Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 28, 2013).
The only good things about Mondays are red wine and The Bachelor. The two go together like cocaine and waffles.
Episode 4 starts off as most do: Sean, shirtless and reflecting. I’m not complaining. The first solo date card arrives at the house of harlots and it’s for Selma. Sean picks up Selma who is dressed for the gym despite claiming a bit later in the episode that she doesn’t exercise. This makes me wonder if the date wardrobes of the ladies on The Bachelor are provided to them? If so I NEED to become best friends with whomever was in charge of dressing Kacie B. so that he/she can move into my apartment and make all of my life choices. All of them.
Back to the date. A spandex-clad and super-pretty Selma is mildly disappointed to find herself in the desert. “You brought an Iraqi to the desert!” she quips. Apparently, Selma hates the heat and was superduper hoping for a more romantic indoor date. But, it’s The Bachelor and bitch is gonna suck.it.up. They hike about for a bit in Joshua Tree National Park and Sean announces that they’re going to do some rock climbing – he specifically picked Selma for this particular date to pull her out of her comfort zone. Panic flashes across Selma’s face but is almost instantly replaced by the placating thoughts of future babies with the world’s blondest man. The duo harness up and, despite some treacherous conditions and the obvious heat, Selma gets a sudden burst of power and climbs like there’s a rose waiting for her at the top. Or maybe some deodorant and pinot grigio.
In the evening portion of their rendezvous (they get to shower, right? these thoughts keep me up at night) Sean brings Selma to a kitschy-cute trailer park of sorts, plastic pink flamingos et al. They chat about past relationships and in his private on-camera interview Sean keeps gushing about how badly he wants to kiss Selma. But….we soon find out that Selma isn’t going to be kissing on national television any time soon as it may or may not cause her mother to, like, die. Respect. Selma breaks the news to a practically panting Sean and he takes it super well. Dare I say this raises Selma’s stock in his eyes? I dare. Sean tells Selma he’s crazy about her, gives her the date rose, and the camera pans off into the starry desert night.
On the group date, Sean signs his skanks up for some roller derby action. The group date includes Sarah – the lovely blonde who was born with one arm. Already I’m uncomfortable: roller derby seems a bit dangerous for a bunch of girls who are counting on their pretty faces to get them through life (translation: marry rich). Possibly crazy Amanda does her best to mess with the minds of the other ladies, telling them she’s had previous experience on the roller derby course. She has not. Karma will soon come knocking at her door. The next 5 minutes is taken up mostly by footage of the women falling on their zumba-tightened asses. It’s a jumble of spray-tanned legs and elbow pads. Sarah is having a particularly tough time with her balance, and she tears up a bit but is comforted by Sean who reassures her that he couldn’t care less about her skills on skates. Fortified by Sean’s charms, Sarah gives it another go and makes it through the rest of the practice.
Uber confident and big-grinned Amanda takes a spill and lands on her face. Ouch. She’s quickly whisked off in an ambulance. That’s 2 ambulances in 4 episodes, if you’re keeping track. And I am. Sean calls an end to all the shenanigans and the date continues as a free skate instead of a death match with fractures.
After the bruises have had some time to heal or be covered by concealer, Sean rejoins his brood on a rooftop terrace for some drinks and drama. Immediately we’re thrust into Tierra drama and she is quickly referred to as Tierra-ble. Genius.
Tierra is still super pissed that she was stuck on another group date, so she’s being extra pouty. Things heat up when she accuses Robyn of pretending that she ‘doesn’t exist’ and Tierra storms off in a huff. She proceeds to cry at a female producer, wailing that she hates drama and can’t handle being around all these horrible women, etc. etc. She demands to speak to Sean, who is preparing to climb into the hot tub with Lindsay. Sean gets sucked into Tierra’s devious web of tears, lip gloss and fake eyelashes. Despite the fact that she’s acting like the world’s biggest tool, Sean not only persuades Tierra to stay (why?) but HE GIVES HER THE DAMN DATE ROSE. Cue the group groan. At one point in her pointless rant Tierra states: “Living with all these women is so hard. It’s torture”. Um, what? First of all, what’s with the hard emphasis on ‘women.’ Are they not women? I’m confused. Also, someone clearly hasn’t seen Zero Dark 30 or, like, read anything ever or she wouldn’t be tossing out the word ‘torture’ so fast and loose.
The last solo date card arrives the next day and it’s for Leslie H. Yays! I’ve been hoping to see her go on a one-on-one date with Sean. She seems smart. At least, her teeth do, and that’s all I really notice on her face. Leslie is billed as a ‘poker dealer’ so I’m pretty sure she’s an assassin. A gift of diamond earrings arrives for her at the house and Sean drives them to Rodeo Drive for some shopping. Julie Roberts shows up but is turned away for forgetting to wear clothes. Just kidding (obligatory Pretty Woman reference). After trying on a bunch of increasingly ugly dresses, Sean and Leslie slow dance in a store (?) and then she gets to wear an expensive necklace and frankly I tuned out at this point to get more wine because their lack of chemistry was making my hair hurt.
All decked out in fancy duds and diamonds, Leslie and Sean head to dinner where Sean is really hoping for a romantic connection. But love doesn’t come a-knocking. After opening up about her parents’ divorce and talking about what she wants in a marriage, Sean picks up the date rose…but tells Leslie that they just didn’t click in the way he had hoped. Sigh. I thought maybe Leslie was going to stick around for awhile. Before getting into the sad girl dump-a-rama video confession car, Leslie warns Sean that some of the women who already have roses aren’t there for the right reasons (translation: Tierra). Back at the house, Leslie’s suitcase is removed from the living room in front of all of the other ladies. All I’m thinking is: “That suitcase is smaller than my purse….hmm..did she get to keep the earrings?”
Time for the whack-a-doodle wine-fuelled bitch-a-thon that is rose ceremony night. Sean addresses the women on sending Leslie home and encourages them to feel free to ask him any questions about why he sent her home to cry in her shower and probably write a lot of really explicit Twilight fan fiction.
The first lady to pull Sean away for a private moment is Robyn, who does a bit with chocolate and eating chocolate or she’s chocolate and he should kiss chocolate (or something). Her shtick works and they kiss.
Later, Tierra gives a half-assed and oddly accusatory apology speech to Jackie (seriously, WHO IS JACKIE AND HAS SHE EVER EVEN TALKED TO SEAN? ARE THE PRODUCERS JUST FUCKING WITH US AND NOT SHOWING HER?) and Robyn, where she mostly alludes to them being terrible people while tossing the word ‘sorry’ in a few times. Now that that’s all settled, Tierra corners Sean to let him know that she’s so amazing and it’s other women who are terrible and women just don’t get her.
Adorable Catherine – I’d almost forgotten about her but Sean clearly hasn’t – is next up for some one-on-one time and she spends it basically telling Sean that she’s super attracted to his hot ass. They head off into the bushes for some smooching.
At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Amanda and Daniella for the last rose. I had forgotten that since Sean sent Leslie H. home earlier, he only had to send one girl home at the rose ceremony. My prediction leading into the rose ceremony was that Jackie (again, who? gawd she looks SO MUCH like Malin Ackerman, no?) and Daniella (who’s starting to come off as kind of a skankface) would be sent packing. With only one rose to hand out I revised my prediction to Danielle. Surprise, surprise Sean gives Amanda the boot. At this point, R and I nearly fall off the couch because we’re gesticulating too wildly to maintain seated while shouting “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiittttttttt!!!” And that’s the end of that.
Looks like next week The Bachelor will be on both Monday and Tuesday night! Woot! I’ll have to buy twice as much wine and three times as much cheese. Just go with it. So next week I’ll have two posts for y’all. Also, it appears that the mysterious (or just potentially boring) Jackie will finally get some screen time. Stay tuned.