The Bachelor (Sean) – Week Two

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 14, 2013).

We open on Sean wailing on his pecs at the gym. Shirtless, natch. He’s reminiscing about week one and meeting all the ladies. All that talk must work up quite the sweat because then he’s showering out in the open for the camera crew. Of course.

Host Chris Harrison (looking thinner than I remember) shows up at the Skank Palace (aka the Bachelorette House) and gets the crazy engines revved up by saying he strongly believes that Sean will get engaged to one of the remaining ladies. Some of the woman are wearing more makeup at (I presume) 10 a.m. then I’ve worn in my entire life, combined. And it’s time for the first date card.

The recipient of the first one-on-one date card is Sarah. She piqued Sean’s interest when she spoke so openly during week one about being born with one arm. Sean arrives later that morning in a helicopter. So I guess the producers are gonna keep the dates really low-key again this year. Cough.

They land atop a skyscraper and Sean reveals they’re going to have champagne…after they freefall 360 feet. What a girl’s gotta do for some hooch on The Bachelor. To Sarah’s credit, she doesn’t shit herself (probably). Sean and Sarah get strapped in (cue dramatic music) and drop. Sarah is rewarded with a hug and the aforementioned champagne (which I would have chugged). Later over dinner Sarah tells Sean a story of how she went to Vegas with her dad and wanted to go ziplining and was prohibited from doing so due to her having only one arm, so she is looking for a guy who can handle stuff like this and have faith in her abilities.

Back at the house another date card arrives for the Group date. The date hint is ‘let’s capture the romance’. So they’re most likely doing something that involves herpes.

Back on the one-on-one date, Sean presents Sarah with the rose and they hug a lot before finally kissing and Sarah says fairytale for like the fifth time. Gawd.

Now it’s time for the group date. Sean awaits his vagina bregade in front of a mansion/palace/castle. He announces that they will be posing as cover models for Harlequin romance novels. Sean’s shirt is off again (is dude allergic?) and the girls head into wardrobe and makeup. Tierra is already rubbing some of the ladies the wrong way and Robyn is calling her out for being fake. The first photo shoot set-up is ‘country,’ including horses and cowboy hats. Lesley‘s midriff makes quite an impression on Sean and he kisses her, much to the annoyance of the other ladies. The second photo shoot is more of a romantic, glamour-themed one and model Kristy gets into the action by basically molesting herself using Sean’s arms. Kristy is named the winner of the 3-book Harlequin cover prize while the other ladies start metaphorically sharpening their claws.

The group date action then moves to the pool and cowgirl Lesley pulls Sean away for some private talk time. Sean asks her for the real reason why she’s on The Bachelor and she tells him ‘for love’ and then they do this almost kissing thing for what seems like FOREVER before finally givin’ it in the garden while another contestant spies on them during her interview.

Kacie and Sean have a chinwag and Sean admits he’s excited that she was the surprise 26th contestant but is having a teensy bit of trouble shifting from seeing her as a friend to seeing her as a potential romantic partner. Kacie stops breathing and then Sean tells her he’s open to getting to know her better, horizontally. Ok he doesn’t actually say that but sometimes one has to fill in the blanks. She’s out of the friend zone and that’s all that matters.

Graphic designer Catherine tells Sean that she’s vegan but she ‘loves the beef’ and real estate developer Selma up-talks every sentence. Sean pulls a pouty Tierra aside and asks her why she seemed so..well..pouty. She miraculously pulls an amazing speech out of her ass that manages to let Sean know that she watched him on Emily’s season and wanted a piece without sounding stalker-adjacent at all. She’s kind of a genius, guys. Sean is into Tierra in a big way.

Back at the house, the final date card arrives and Desiree gets the final one-on-one of the week. I’ve decided that I like Desiree even though her name makes me want to punch faces.

Meanwhile on the group date, Sean tries to give everyone his jacket and crazy-haired Katie (she’s the yoga chick who walked out of the limo in bare feet during week one) decides The Bachelor is not her scene and she takes off to buy some kale chips or whatever. Kale chips are delicious.

Next up is Sean’s one-on-one with Desiree and he’s setting up a prank where Desiree will believe that she has broken an expensive piece of art. They enter an art gallery and Desiree is so gosh golly sweet and awe shucks adorable that Sean starts to worry he picked the wrong girl to punk. Host Chris Harrison and Sean watch Desiree via a hidden camera. The ‘art’ piece shatters on the ground and the ‘artist’ has a meltdown. Sean reveals the prank and all the actors in on it and they take off for dinner. Sean has cooked up some steaks and they play getting to know you, The Bachelor edition. Sean and Desiree hold hands and want to be BFF’s. Desiree pops on a bikini and they hit the hot tub (standard practice on The Bachelor). Clearly Sean likes ‘Des’ at least as much as I do because he gives her a rose and they make out in the pool but it doesn’t look like he took Ari’s advice on kissing.

It’s time for the Week Two rose ceremony and one of my Week One favourites – ‘fit model’ Amanda – is being a weirdly mute bitchbasket, according to the pre-commercial preview. Lindsay, the wedding dress wearing chick from week one apologizes for being a drunk mess, and Sean reassures her that just because she didn’t have a date this week doesn’t mean she’s getting the boot.

Sean goes off to chat with some ladies privately and the remaining women turn their attention to Amanda who’s being ‘weird.’ Robyn (wearing an amazing chartreuse dress) wonders if Sean likes black women and it turns out he does. His last girlfriend was black and he’s also dated Hispanic and Persian women and is game for whomever. I applaud Robyn for asking the question. Selma corners Sean to teach him some Arabic. Some drunk bitches in the kitchen are staring down a ‘sneering’ Amanda and hoping for her demise. She certainly turns on the charm when Sean enters the room, however.

Chris Harrison enters and announces that it’s time for the rose ceremony. Sean tells the ladies he has a difficult decision to make and heads off to flex, presumably.

At the rose ceremony, the ladies are looking nervous and hair-sprayed. Amanda gets the final rose, and Brooke and Diana are sent home. Sean tells Diana he didn’t feel right keeping her away from her kids when he didn’t see a connection. Brooke gives an incredibly poised and well-spoken goodbye interview. it’s probably the last classy exit interview we’ll see this season.

And that’s that, folks!

A reminder that I’m in Mexico next week (booyah) so I’ll be posting a Week Three and Week Four recaps the week of January 28th.

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