Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week one of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 7, 2013).
So here we go again!
Ah, Sean. I’m probably going to call him Yawn once and awhile. Act surprised. Don’t get me wrong – I think Yawn’s great. But he might be too nice/naive/sweet/generic for the skank parade that’s coming at him. There are literally going to be 25 women in Spanx hurtling their vaginas at him 24/7 for the next couple of weeks.
First up – we get the sneak peek look at the season ahead. There’s a mean girl, lots of crying and an ambulance is called at some point. The usual.
You may remember Sean from Emily Maynard’s season. We also get to re-watch Sean getting dumped by Emily Maynard. I had forgotten that he was final three during her season. I thought he left a bit earlier than that.
It’s pretty clear within the first 5 minutes that my Bachelor/Bachelorette drinking game – drink whenever someone says the word ‘journey’ – will continue this season. I might need to invest in a stomach pump. Later, when the first estrogen-filled limo is on its way to the house, host Chris Harrison says “Let the journey begin,” and I groaned so loudly I think I damaged my vocal chords.
And…..Arie shows up! Looking as handsome as ever. I’d not realized Arie and Sean had bro bonded during Emily’s season. The two joke around and reminisce about their stint on The Bachelorette and Arie helps Sean practice his ‘will you accept this rose’ speech. They do all this while wearing the heck out of some deep v t-shirts. Well played. My favourite part of this scene is when Sean says he can’t use the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line in the rose ceremony eliminations because “it’s obviously them.” Sean mentions that Arie is known for being a good kisser (something that did NOT go unnoticed by my Bachelorette-watching crew), so Arie gives Sean some pointers while I grab a towel to sit on.
Later, Sean stands on a mountain and hopes he meets that special someone amongst the whore brigade he’s about to be introduced to. Why do the producers of The Bachelor/Bachelorette always have people standing on mountains with dramatic voice-overs? Or gazing out at a lake or at the ocean? If I was the Bachelorette most of my self-reflection scenes would take place inside the LCBO or next to a lot of cheeseburgers.
Time to meet the ladies! There’s a lot of sequins, big hair, bigger teeth, crazy eyes and (probably) syphilis. There’s the token mom,(side note: why do the mom’s always emphasize that their children ‘mean the world’ to them. Of course they do. THEY’RE YOUR CHILDREN!), the token ‘my dog is my baby’ girl, a cat lady, 2 hair stylists, a 50 Shades of Grey addict (vomit), a Southern belle, a model, a cruise ship entertainer, a graphic designer, a professional organizer (I got so excited when I found out this was a real job), a crappy gymnast (I don’t think that’s her job) and a jumbotron operator (it’s Paige from Bachelor Pad!). A leasing consultant named Tierra (nice stripper name) makes such a good impression on Sean during their initial meeting that he asks Chris Harrison if he can give her a rose right away. Boom. Frontrunner. I’m intrigued, since it’s pretty obvious from the sneak peak earlier in the episode that Tierra is going to be a controversial contestant/possible mean girl this season. Based on limo-exiting first impressions, I particularly like Amanda who, upon meeting Sean, suggests they get any awkwardness out of the way immediately. So they hold hands and stare dumbly at each other for like 15 seconds. Cute. One chick steps out of the limo in a wedding dress. A WEDDING DRESS. I can’t make this shit up. And then the best thing happens: Kacie B. (from Ben Flajnik’s season) stepped out of the limo as a surprise 26th contestant. I LOVE KACIE B. This is the most excited I’ve ever been about anything, ever. Well, since breakfast.
Sean enters the cocktail party and gives a brief speech encouraging the women to be themselves and go into things open-minded so that nothing but good things will come out of this experience (translation: please don’t be batshit crazy cuntbaskets who spend the next few weeks indulging in ass-clownery).
Now is the part of the evening where Sean spends a few minutes chatting with each of the ladies in order to dwindle them down later on. He has a nice talk with Kacie B. and lends her his coat (sigh). Bridal stylist Desiree catches Sean’s eye and gets a rose too. Then some girl in a red dress whose name I didn’t catch has a rose in her hand too. And then everyone is getting roses. Yawn is changing the rules! He’s doing whatever he wants and switching up. Me likey.
The alcohol is flowing and Sean now has some time to chat with Lindsay aka the girl in the wedding dress (who is also a substitute teacher). Lindsay admits she’s a bit drunk (you don’t say!) and basically begs Sean to make out with her. He offers a kiss on the cheek and she calls him “Mr. Traditional.” No rose for drunkey. Back in the house, one of the Ashley’s – Ashley P. – is also wasted and starts dancing in front of Sean who’s busy talking with Paige. It’s…not a good scene. Ashley P. then basically attacks Sean with a 50 Shades of Grey tie (it’s a thing but I have no idea what it means) and tells him that they’re probably getting married. She also couch dances. Sean tells her he has a rape whistle (ha!) and later refers to her in his on-camera interview as ’50 Shades of Drunk’. I start to think that maybe this season isn’t going to be as much of a Yawn as I had predicted.
We meet our first crier of the night – Taryn – who has the sads because she doesn’t want to ‘fight for a guy.’ Um. YOU’RE ON THE BACHELOR. Duh.
Sarah (the lovely lady who was born with one arm) also gets a rose after chatting with Sean and then it’s time for the official rose ceremony. A number of the ladies already have roses, so the ones without them are pretty stressed/drunk.
Host Chris Harrison reminds the ladies that Sean is pretty much the best! guy! ever! and then Sean hands out the rest of the roses. Amongst the recipients: Amanda (my early favourite but that will likely change) and Kacie B. Among those eliminated: Ashley (aka ‘50 Shades of Drunk’) and Paige from Bachelor Pad. And that ends week one.
What I really like about Sean is that he seems like a genuinely nice person. I hope he can wade through the sea of slut and crazy and end up with a great girl in the end. I’m looking forward to this season and will continue to share my thoughts on this blog. As a note, I will be out of the country during week 3 so I’ll be posting my summary of that episode a week late.