You guys I have to confess: I got totally sucked in to Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette. I would have conversations about it with complete strangers and I could not contain my disdain for anyone who didn’t share my (extremely high) level of enthusiasm for all things Bachelorette. Some would have called me obnoxious. I prefer the term ‘spirited’.
As always, STOP READING NOW if you don’t want to know who Emily chose in the finale episode which aired on Sunday, July 22. SPOILERS GALORE. Though I’m so late in posting this (I’m off work this week yet haven’t had a spare moment until now) that you probs already know.
I gathered with a gaggle of ladies to watch the finale on Sunday night. Pretty much every episode of every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette has been advertised as being the most dramatic/emotional/shocking episode EVER. But in this case, it actually was. More on that soon.
We all agreed that part of the fascination with this season is that the 25 men in Emily’s Penis Parade were just so great, particularly her final three (Sean, Arie and Jef). How would she ever choose between Jef and Arie in the final? As I’ve mentioned about 743 times on this blog, I absolutely love Jef. For myself (ha). And Arie? He’s no slouch either and looks like he could win an award for kissing. Both men are sweet, funny, hot, great dressers, totally in love with Emily and completely gung-ho to take on the role of step-father to her daughter Ricki. I got stressed just thinking about how Emily would ever decide, and I was dreading watching that inevitable final scene where both men proposed and Emily would tell one that she’s picked the other dude. Brutal. Usually, being the heartless scag that I am, I would find some humour in the whole situation because, after all, it’s a reality TV show where people convince themselves that they’ve fallen in love with someone that they’ve known for about 8 minutes. But it’s Jef and Arie! They’re the best. I didn’t want to see either of them getting hurt. I believe this is referred to as ‘empathy’ but I’m not entirely familiar with the term.
After 2 months + of watching Emily play with her hair and not bang anyone, the finale episode began where week 9 left off: in Curacao. It’s time for Emily to go on her final dates with Jef and Arie and it’s time for them to [cue dramatic music] meet the family! And maybe Ricki too. Emily takes a lot of long, introspective walks on the beach and talks about her feelings. She has a lot of them. And they’re conflicted, apparently.
The first meet-my-folks date is with (my husband) Jef, who is on a mission. He wants to meet and mingle with the Maynard’s and get Emily’s dad’s permission to ask Emily to marry him. Cue the group squeal.
We actually squealed.
Jef makes a great impression on Emily’s family, including her brother Ernie who we initially thought was a robot. Emily’s mom seems to like Jef almost as much as she likes face lifts and too-short dresses.
Arie’s playdate with the Maynard’s starts off a bit awkwardly with lots of long pauses and such, but Arie wins everyone over with a gift he brought: a box containing every rose he has received from Emily throughout the season. Clever! Arie really has to win over Ernie, who’s already decided he has a dude crush on Jef. Arie also gets Mr. Maynard’s blessing to ask Emily to marry him. But in the end, Emily’s family confesses (after Arie has left) that they like both men equally. Basically, Emily’s fucked. She was hoping her family would help her make her decision by declaring their preference for one dude over the other. No such luck, Emily. There is one catch though: Emily’ mom doesn’t want her to get engaged. Um, has she not seen the show? That’s kind of the end game here, lady.
The next day, Emily embarks on her final date with Jef. And her daughter is definitely on her mind. Ricki is in Curacao and Emily is debating whether or not to introduce her to her potential future step-father. Emily and Jef sit on a beach and repeat every conversation they’ve had over the past two months. Emily admits that she has her daughter on the brain, and Jef tells her that he’s been thinking about meeting Ricki every day and how excited he is. Well, that’s enough to convince Emily and so off they go. Emily introduces her daughter to her ‘friend’ Jef and then my uterus practically threw itself at the TV because Jef puts on some pink goggles (of course) and joins Ricki in the pool. It was the cutest. Full of high fives and awesomeness. With pool time over, Jef puts on a shirt (boo) and sits on a couch with Emily to hold hands and be adorable. He gives her a book on Curacao in which he has added a personal touch: stick figure drawings of him and Emily doing things around Curacao. He thanks Emily for “everything you’ve ever done in your whole life” and departs.
The next day Emily prepares for her date with Arie……actually that doesn’t happen.
Mouths agape (which made it easier to shove like 100 appetizers into my body, and a few Palm Bays) we watch as Emily holds an emergency pow-wow with host Chris Harrison.
And this is where shit got real.
Emily has already made up her mind. She chooses Jef.
She doesn’t even want to go on her final date with Arie.
Somewhere in hipster heaven, an angel got its wings. And in an apartment in West Toronto there was – for the first time ever – dead silence.
Emily heads out to meet with Arie, but first she has a good cry on a bench.
And maybe we cried a little too. Poor Arie!
Nearby, Arie is making a love potion. A potion that, perhaps, could have come in handy the day before.
Emily heads over to me Arie but she can barely keep her shit together and he immediately knows something is up.
Emily tells Arie that she’s so so so sorry but that she’s made up her mind. She’s chose Jef. Arie is SHOCKED. He handles the news well, but does say (with a little bit of sarcasm, natch): “Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment tomorrow.”
It’s obvious that he did not see this coming. None of us did, AMIRIGHT? Props to Emily for not stringing him along any further (not that there was much further to go). But she didn’t want him to have to go through with a possible proposal only to dump him then.
So that’s done. Arie drives off in the world’s saddest SUV.
Now we see Jef pick out an engagement ring for Emily and faster than you can say “You’re my soulmate”, Jef and Emily get engaged (suck it Mrs. Maynard!) in what appears to be a parking lot in Curacao (?) after the world’s longest pause (“Will you marry me?…….10 seconds….”Yes!”). They walk off (in slow motion) into the sunset hand in hand (in hand) with Ricki while that song from the Karate Kid movie plays in the background. I can’t make this stuff up folks.
In the live ‘After the Final Rose’ special, Arie confesses that he was so distraught after the show finished filming that he flew to Emily’s home to try and change her mind but instead left her his journal. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE JOURNALLING ON THIS SHOW? Emily returns the journal to Arie and confesses she never read it out of respect to Jef and Arie (of course). Arie is sincerely happy for Emily and Jef, though still a little hurt (obvi) . But he’s all class and we all agree that he’s probs already banged out 3 high-class escorts and an ex girlfriend or two. He’ll be fine. And Arie and Jef are still buds! Phew! Then Jef comes out and him and Emily are so in love it’s almost nauseating and everyone’s happy happy happy. They`re off to Africa to do some humanitarian work (and maybe get hitched…). Maybe Arie will be the next Bachelor? GIRD YOUR LOINS!
Think I can convince Emily to let me sister wife her with Jef? Probably not. Sigh.
So that’s the end of that folks.
Thanks for reading!