Last night the members of Bachelorette Emily Maynard’s rejected Penis Parade got together for the ‘Men Tell All’ special. The Men Tell All special historically serves as a forum for the ousted men to shit talk the biggest asshole (or two) from the season, whom the audience inevitably boos every time he speaks. It’s also when the token ‘nice guy’ from the season who isn’t in the final two can barely be heard over the roar of lusty audience members whose bras are coming undone (through sheer will) and flinging towards the stage. I bet that’s someone’s job: catch the bras before they hit the stage. It doesn’t pay well but you get to keep the bras.
To kick things off, host Chris Harrison and Emily recap the season’s most controversial men – Ryan, Kalon and Doug – in a pre-taped interview. That’s followed with some previously unseen moments from the show (yawn) and a sneak peek at……..the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad (starting July 23).
So it looks like Bachelor Pad this go-round will consist mostly of rejected chicks from Ben’s season (Rachel, Blakeley and runner-up Lindzi). Crazy Erica is back at the Bachelor Pad and so is Michael who won the last season with ex-girlfriend Holly (who shortly thereafter married fellow contestant Blake – ouch). From Emily’s season (which comes to a conclusion this Sunday) we see Kalon (who says he’s gone on BP because he ‘needs helicopter fuel money’) and Chris. There’s also a few dudes from Bachelorette Jillian’s season and a couple ‘fans’ thrown into the mix. This season should be good for some laughs and a new drinking game!
Back in the studio the mainly female audience completely loses their shit for Sean who was sent home in the most recent episode, leaving (my husband) Jef and Arie as the final two. There’s a recap of all the dude drama though honestly, the dudes are exponentially less crazy/dramatic then the chicks who go on The Bachelor and there’s barely any drama to speak of. Basically, it’s a montage of Doug wearing no shirt under a half zipped-up hoodie and some shots of Ryan’s seemingly never ending parade of see-through tight v-neck shirts and girly tank tops. The best part is re-living Ryan lamenting over how much his buds will miss him after he’s ‘shockingly’ eliminated while back at the Penis Pad they’re all high fiving after his luggage is vamoosed. Chris whines a bit (what else is new) about how he felt the men picked on him for being 25 and ‘immature.’ No dude, they picked on you because you’re kind of a pussy. Moving on.
First up in the official hot seat is Kalon, who feebly attempts to defend his complete lack of a soul. OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN HE TOLD EMILY “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK BUT I WISH YOU’D LET ME FINISH”?????? That was cray cray, When pressed by Chris Harrison about why he came on the show if he felt that children were a ‘huge issue’ (and knew a few weeks before taping began that the Bachelorette was Emily), Kalon replies that it would have said “less” about his ‘character’ if he didn’t go through with the show. Gross. When asked what he would pick as the #1 most offensive thing he’d said on the show, Kalon says referring to Emily daughter Ricki as “baggage” was the most offensive TO OTHER PEOPLE but not to him. You read that right. He didn’t think he was being offensive – just honest. Apparently, Americans want everything to be “sugar-coated” and he’s a straight shooter. Ugh, someone get him off that seat, wipe it down with a Lysol antibacterial wipe and let’s move on.
Ryan takes the hot seat next. We get to see a recap of all the shitty things HE did/said during his run on the show. Remember when Ryan seemed like a frontrunner? Remember when he referred to his “worldly gifts” and dropped a few not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be the next Bachelor? Chris Harrison asks Ryan if he really is an ‘arrogant ass’ and, no surprise here, Ryan doesn’t think so. He views himself as confident and fun loving, not arrogant. Contestant Chris and Ryan get into a pissing contest about Ryan’s intentions on the show. Was he actually there for Emily? Did he truly have feelings for her? Ryan says he ‘journal-ed’ (whaaaaaaaa?)’ throughout the experience and these writings reinforced that it was never 100% about Emily. He was there to find his wife. Um, okay. Chris then reveals that Ryan specifically said that he wanted to make it to the end of the show, but lose, so that he could be the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison confirms it’s “not happening” and the world breathes a collective sigh of relief.
Next in the hot seat is Chris. He was the first to tell Emily that he loved her, and he was the angriest when she sent him packing (“I told you I LOVED you!”). Chris was crushed to be sent home after the home town dates. He admits to coming off as “over-emotional” during the season, but he says it’s only because he’ll fight for something he believes in and he could die tomorrow so why not put it all out there on the table. I’m curious to see how his personality plays out on Bachelor Pad this season. I have him pegged as a revenge banger.
Mr. Perfect – Sean – is up next. The dude has some FANS. I bet I could pick him out of no-heads-hot-bodies-only police line up. That’s not a thing. But it should be. He should never wear a shirt. 200 pairs of underpants simultaneously hit the studio floor. It sounds like angels. So Sean is still heartbroken over being sent home in the most recent episode. He was very much in love and saw himself married to Emily and acting as a step-father to Ricki. He tells Chris that his family has been helping him get through the break-up. Sean has nothing but nice things to say about Emily. He’s almost too nice. Class act all the way. Sean is definitely a fan favourite – perhaps he will be the next Bachelor? I’d love to see the skanks* they’d throw at him.
Now it’s Emily’s turn to take the hot seat. Cue dramatic music. First, Emily tells Sean that she “ugly cried” watching his last episode and Sean THANKS HER for opening his eyes to the possibility of love. He’s hopeful he’ll find it in the (very near) future. When the conversation turns to Doug, Emily zings with this gem: “I’ve never had the breakup talk and a first kiss in one conversation.” Hahahah. She thanks Doug for warning her about Kalon though. Speaking of Kalon, he interjects about wishing the best for Emily, who counters with:”You should be a politician because that’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.” Oh, snap. When Chris Harrison questions Emily about her relationship with Ryan, she admits that despite all the warning bells in her head she really did start to like Ryan, but ultimately she couldn’t get past his penchant for being a condescending dick (I’m paraphrasing).
Next up is a blooper reel. I didn’t know this was a thing on these pre-finale specials, but it’s super hilarious. My favourite scene was from the first episode before Emily meets the 25 men and her and Chris are chatting and Chris (jokingly) asks how many of the men she plans to sleep with and Emily nonchalantly replies “Hopefully all 25. That would be a success.” Jokes! She banged NOBODY. Oh and the clip where Chris’s junk was showing during the Highland Games tug of war with Doug. Saucy.
The ‘Men Tell All’ special wraps up with a look at the final two men competing for Emily heart: Arie and Jef. We get no new hints as to which of the two wonderful remaining penises Emily will choose beyond what we saw at the tail end of last week’s episode –Emily is confused and crying a lot.
I love them both so hard. I’m buying a box of wine and a family-sized bag of Cheetos. That should get me through the first hour of the 3 hour finale.
Programming Reminder: The Bachelorette finale will air on Sunday, July 22 instead of its usual Monday night time slot. That slot will be filled (pun intended) by the new season of Bachelor Pad.
Until next week!