The Bachelorette – Week 9

Holy crapballs! Week 9 was a doozie! As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week nine spoilers (original air date – Monday, July 9, 2012).

So Emily and the final 3 in the Penis Parade – Jef, Arie and Sean – were in Curacao this week. The end game? Selecting her final two dudes. Pressure!

K, R and I watched the episode together and all agreed that Emily’s final three are really great guys – possibly the best men in Bachelorette history.Lucky girl. Any one of them would be a great fiancé/husband/father figure for Emily’s daughter Ricki. How to choose!?

The episode kicks off with a refresher on the final three bros. The highlights:

Sean: Blonde. Hot body. ‘Perfect’.

Jef: Quirky (are we calling skinny jeans and converse ‘quirky’ now?), adorable, makes Emily laugh.

Arie: Hottie hot hot hot, great kisser, hottie hot hot hot.

Then there’s a stupid beach walk montage where Emily writes her name in the sand. I screamed “SHE’S GOING TO PUT A PLUS SIGN THEN A QUESTION MARK! WATCH! I JUST KNOW IT!” And she totally did. Am I psychic? Nope. I’m simply not….headless. Saw that one coming a mile away.

Emily’s first fantasy date-with-overnight potential is with Sean. Adorable, hard bodied, sweet, “perfect,” slightly boring Sean. He shows up wearing the shit out of a tight blue v-neck and some salmon-coloured shorts. I grunt at the TV screen for about 5 minutes.

A helicopter whisks our super blonde twosome off to a private island. Upon arrival, they lay out a picnic…and their feelings. See what I did there? Sean basically repeats word for word the story of his ex-girlfriend that he’s ALREADY TOLD HER. “I loved her but I wasn’t in love with her.” Blah blah, yeah Sean we’ve heard it before take off your shirt if you’re going to keep yapping. Sean is the only dude left who hasn’t told Emily that he loves her. Can you really blame the stud? She’s dating two other people after all,

Later at dinner, Sean reads Emily a letter he wrote to her daughter Ricki. It’s a good letter. R and I may have gotten a bit teary eyed and I was only one Palm Bay in so it was not alcohol-induced emotion. It was more…alcohol adjacent. And then Emily gets what she’s been waiting for. Sean tells her: “I’ve fallen in love with you.” Booyah!

It appears that Sean is going to be handsomely rewarded for this admission when Emily presents him with the fantasy suite card. [For those new to the show, it’s a card that basically invites a dude over to your place to get in a hot tub and then most likely get it in, but no one can call you on it and it’s not slutty because the card was written by a producer on some pretty pricey card stock. The more you know!] I immediately predict that Sean won’t stay the night. He seems a little proper for that and frankly I’m leaning towards Emily deciding that ultimately a night of (vanilla) sex with Sean isn’t worth the potential impact on her squeaky-clean perfect mother image.

After making out in a hot tub for awhile, Emily and Sean (regrettably) part ways for the evening. She says she doesn’t want to be a bad role model but I know a part of her has to be dying to get Sean into bed just to see what’s up.

Next up is (my future husband) Jef. He only needs one ‘f’ because he’s better than all other men. Or something. The theme of Jef and Emily’s date is ‘sailing and hugs’. They talk family (Jef says his parents were bummed to have not met Emily on the home town date but are looking forward to meeting her), fatherhood (Jef would totes be the ‘fun’ dad) and ‘getting each other’. Oooooh Jef’s got it bad and Emily is totally a smitten kitten. If I met Jef and Emily, separately, in real life I would never think of them as being a match but somehow it fits.

At dinner, Jef is all about the questions. Suddenly, he’s Mr. Practical. Where would they live? Why did Emily’s previous relationships fail? Does Emily think him and Ricki would get along? Emily’s answers are (in order): 1) Wherever Jef wants; 2) No spark; 3) He’d be a perfect fit. And you know what? I think he would. Emily tells Jef she can picture them like, hanging out in the kitchen making lunches and stuff. Cute city.

Time to deal with the fantasy suite card. Now, Jef wears some pretty tight pants so there’s not the same mystery as there is with Sean (wink). “Bang him, bang him,” I may have chanted. But before Emily can turn Jef down, Jef turns Emily down. As much as he’d like to strip down to just his converse with Emily, Jef knows that her daughter may watch and their families will watch and it’s just not the time. Besides, Jef points out, they have the rest of their lives to be together in their own fantasy suite of life.

Dreamy sigh.

Arie’s turn. Oh Arie. We ♥ Arie. Handsome, good kisser, race car driving Arie. Their date involves a ton of making out and swimming with dolphins. They spend so much time kissing (it’s their favourite thing!) that Emily worries she won’t be able to turn Arie down for an overnight. #BacheloretteProblems

In her pre-dinner interview, Emily worries that perhaps things are too physical with Arie and they should spend more time, like, talking about stuff. So once they sit down to eat (well, Arie eats – has anyone actually seen Emily eat?), Emily is determined to figure out the day-to-day Arie to see if they could be compatible when their faces aren’t glued together. AND BOY DOES ARIE PULL THROUGH. I actually clapped, that’s how perfect Arie is.

He’s the whole package: physical chemistry, totes in love with Emily, not shy about saying he wants to get married and he even aces the kid stuff saying that he would first approach Ricki as a friend before even trying to be all parent-y. Emily is even surprised at some of the stuff Arie was saying, and I bet she’s breathing a sigh of relief that he’s more than just a great ass awith mad make-out skills. He’s got some substance too! Emily knows that she shouldn’t even tempt herself by having Arie drop by her place so she doesn’t even mention the fantasy suite overnight date card. She could teach a class in restraint, this one.

So now that Emily has gone on day-long dates with the final 3 in her Penis Parade, it’s time to make a big decision. And Emily turns to her BFF (I want them to be): host Chris Harrison. Emily is struggling with her decision. They’re all great guys (they really are), ya di ya di yada. Emily’s only hope is that she wakes up the next morning not regretting her decision.

So here’s how R, K and I broke it down.

Sean

Pros: Dependable, perfect, husband material. He has a really hot body and finally dropped the ‘L’ word. Sean would make a great dad, and they would totes make super cute blonde babies together.

Cons: Maybe a bit boring and predictable, and Emily seems to like a guy with a bit of an edge. Also, not a lot of heat when they kiss.

Jef

Pros: They’re really cute together and he makes her laugh. Jef’s a romantic guy and wants to “marry the f!@#” out of Emily. Though he may come off as a bit ‘young’, that youthful energy is one of the things Emily likes best about him as a potential husband and father.

Cons: This is tough for me because Jef seems perfect and I want to have his babies. I guess if I had to pick something it would be that perhaps he seems a little caught up in the ‘idea’ of love and the romance of it all but would that translate to commitment outside of the show when day-to-day  life sets in?

Arie

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Nope.

Ok fine. I have to say one con I guess. During dinner, Arie confessed that his life involves a lot of dinners out with friends and sleeping in until 9 a.m. Would his lifestyle mesh with Emily’s go-go-Supermom-life? Could be  a problem. But the kissing! The glorious kissing! They can get a nanny.

Chris Harrison reminds Emily (as if she needed the reminder) that this is THE LAST ROSE CEREMONY and that the next step is a potential engagement. Then Emily has to watch video messages each of the guys made for her, and she does a lot of crying. THEY ALL SAY ALL THE RIGHT THINGS. Some combination of ‘I love you’ and ‘I want to be a dad for Ricki’ and ‘we fit so well together’. Tough choice ahead. Emily is sick at the thought of breaking someone’s heart tonight.

When the rose ceremony begins, Emily forgoes her usual long speech thanking them for being there and blah blah blah. Instead, she only tells them that she can see herself ending up with each of them and that she’s sorry that she has to say goodbye to someone tonight.

My prediction was that frontrunner Arie would get the first rose and that it would be a tense toss-up between Jef and Sean (and I wasn’t sure how that would shake out, though I was leaning towards Sean going home).

So imagine my surprise when the first rose goes to Jef. R looked completely panicked at the thought of Arie being sent home and shrieked “I WILL STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW IF ARIE GOES HOME!!!” But…the first rose going to Jef made it 100% obvi to me that Sean was going home. There was NO WAY it was going to be Arie. So in trying to create suspense by giving the first rose to Jef, the producers actually created the reverse effect and made it painfully obvious that Arie would make it to the final and Sean would be sent packing.

The second rose indeed goes to Arie, and Emily walks Sean out to say their final goodbyes. They sit on a bench and…crickets. After what feels like the world’ longest silence, Sean confesses he feels stupid and embarrassed. Emily just cries and tells Sean she wanted it to be him “so bad.”  Sean, being the nicest guy ever, tells Emily that he’s crushed but just wants what’s best for her in the end.  That guy is going to get laid so much when he gets home he’ll probably have to quit his job.

In his van ride to Broken Heart Town (or Sad Sack Village? Lonely Cove?), Sean confesses that when Emily had walked into the rose ceremony that night he looked at her and was sure she was going to be his wife. Ouch. I knew Sean would be all class all the way. He’s not the type to confront Emily angrily or dump on the other dudes in the car ride out.

So it’s down to Jef and Arie. And they’ve been buds since the early days. Kudos to them for always being super friendly and bro-mancing the shit out of each other. I want them both to win. Or both to lose so I can date them. I’m so conflicted.

Next week is the ‘Men Tell All’ episode, so we’ll have to wait two weeks to find out who Emily ends up with….though the editing of the preview for the finale kinda tried to make it seem like Emily picks no one. Don’t fall for it. This girl wants to get married. SHE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH THE POWER OF HER FAKE BOOBS AND TEETH VENEERS.

Oh and if you weren’t already in love with Arie, these outtakes from last night’s episode will set.you.over.the.edge.

x

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