The Bachelorette – Week 8

I’m a little late posting my Bachelorette recap today because I spent Friday through Monday night in Boston and am just catching up on last night’s episode. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week eight spoilers (original air date – Monday, July 2, 2012).

Week 8 starts with Emily home in North Carolina to spend some time hugging her daughter before the hometown dates begin and she has to narrow down Ricki’s potential pool of step-daddy’s from four to three.

After a recap of the four remaining men in the penis parade — Chris, Jef, Arie and Sean — we kick off hometown date week with Chris in Chicago.

Upon meeting up downtown, Chris and Emily have the most platonic kiss ever. Seriously people, Donny and Marie Osmond have more sexual chemistry than these two. The theme of Chris’s hometown date seems to be ‘Polish’. As he tells Emily: “On a scale of 1 to Polish, we’re Polish!”

They sit down for some pints and to discuss the weirdness of the past few weeks while being soothed by alcohol. Chris then gives Emily the lowdown on his family: they’re Polish. That’s about it. At Chris’s home they sit around the large wooden family table and drink wine in the day time (my kind of family!). Emily has a private sit down with Chris’s dad and asks if he feels that Chris would be ok taking on the role of step-dad to Ricky. Chris’s dad (who seems so so lovely) is confident that his son would make an excellent husband and step-dad. Meanwhile, Chris’s mom is basically telling her son to man up and fight for Emily if he thinks she’s the right woman. Next up to bat is Chris’s sister. She worried about Chris getting his heart broken (psychic?). She asks Emily to cut Chris off sooner rather than later if he’s not ‘the one’ for her. Fair.

As the night continues, Chris tells Emily that he’s fallen in love with her. I’m pretty sure they’ve spent a total of 45 minutes alone together and most of that was spent in a harness climbing up the side of a building. Also, is it just me or does Chris always sound congested? I’m dying of allergies too but someone get this boy some nasal spray. Later there’s a Polish dance party on the family deck. I WANT TO GO TO THERE! And that’s all she wrote on that.

Next we see Emily’s hometown date with my dream boyfriend Jef. Jef’s from Utah and his family has a ranch! A real ranch! The Holmstead Ranch (GET IT? because Jef’s last name is Holm). The closest I’ve ever gotten to a ranch is having a police horse almost poop on me.

Turns out that despite Jef’s tight jeans, converse shoes and city dude hair, he’s a total country boy at heart. Swoon. Emily and Jef strap into an ATV and head towards…guns! Time to shoot stuff. Clay pigeons to be specific. “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot. He looked hot doing it,” comments Emily. Emily also proves to be a good shot! Turns out her ‘I don’t know how to shoot a gun’ posturing is all an act because she’s a pro. And Jef notices.“Emily looks so hot with a gun. I just want her to hold a gun all day long.” Um, that could make sex a little tricky, Jef. And a lot dangerous. But, like, sexy dangerous (?).

After gun hour, Emily and Jef have a tête-à-blonde-tête. Emily has been nervous to meet Jef’s family ever since he told her that he once broke up with a chick because his family didn’t like her. Harsh. Jef reminds Emily that she’s not meeting his folks so that’s some pressure off, no? Rather, his brothers and sisters will be the ones grilling/meeting Emily (which is meant to comfort her but doesn’t – she’s better with parents!). There’s a really cute moment when they’re sitting on a bench (that I like to imagine Jef made, shirtless) where Jef is rubbing Emily’s leg and her dress inches up a little and he fixes it for her. Precious. He mentions that his parents are in South Carolina doing “charity work”. Last week I commented that perhaps they were Mormons doing missionary work? It’s seeming increasingly likely that I’m right about this.

Time to meet the Holm siblings! They are warm and welcoming. Jef’s older brother Steve pulls Emily aside for a chat about core values and long-term love, and tells her “It’s not an investment, it’s an adventure.” Well said. Emily gets the Steve seal of approval! Time for the three sisters. They all sit around a bale of hay like it’s an apothecary table from Pottery Barn. When the question of where would Jef and Emily live if they ended up together comes up, Emily confirms that she would definitely be willing to move. When asked if Emily is falling in love with Jef, she confirms she is but is taking it slow. Some cute blonde niece of Jef’s crawls onto Emily’s lap and it’s cute overload. Success!

I could watch Jef and Emily make out on a dirt road all day long. Luckily, my wish is kinda granted. They eventually unlock lips to sit down and Jef tells her that on the flight home from Prague he wrote down some thoughts about their relationship which he reads to her and then every woman in North America watching at home made Jef their screen saver at work. True story. Their hometown date ends with Jef telling Emily that he’s completely in love with her. I want to always have my fingers in his hair.

Time for Arie’s hometown date in Arizona. They meet…where else…on the racetrack. Arie looks “stupid hot” and takes Emily for a ride around the track. Fun times. Later, Arie gives Emily the skinny on his folks. He advises Emily that his mother may be the biggest skeptic about the whole ‘Bachelorette’ thing so she’s the one to win over. Mission: accepted.

Later that evening it’s time to meet the parents and Arie’s twin brothers (I totally referred to them as the Winklevoss twins). Emily is visibly nervous as they walk up to Arie’s family homr. Arie’s family are super Dutch and super cute. They talk about Emily in Dutch for a bit, which is a bit awkward. Emily and Arie’s mom Mieke soon step away for a chat. She wants to know what happened between Emily and Brad after they got engaged on Brad’s second season of The Bachelor a few years back. Emily talks her way through it with ease and by the end she’s really won Arie’s mom over. Phew! Arie tells his dad that he could see himself proposing to Emily. And they man cheek kiss! I love when fathers and sons cheek kiss. It’s my kryptonite. Arie is super confident that he’s going to “marry Emily in the end”. We’ll see, handsome face. We’ll see.

Last is Sean’s hometown date in Dallas, Texas (of course). Sean brings his dogs (of course) to greet Emily. Over wine in the park. Sean confesses to having only been in one serious relationship. Sean is “very excited about where this is going” and Emily likes that he is “genuine”, “wholesome”, “perfect” and “well-rounded”. Sean has one of those perfect all-American families including a niece named – wait for it – Kensington, who has a play fortress that is bigger than my apartment. Emily immediately fits in with Sean’s family. Sean announces to Emily in rather dramatic fashion that he still lives at home and she totally poker faces it and is all ‘That’s great! It’s great here. I’d totally live here too if I could’. He shows her his bedroom and it’s…disgusting. Sean even makes a comment about his mom not cleaning up his room lately. Emily’s all ‘that’s cool’ (translation: ‘I haven’t forgotten that you have a super hot body but this is testing my limits’). But….it’s all a huge joke. He doesn’t live there. That’s not his room. I bet some producer had a kicky time staging some guest room with old jeans and cookie crumbs. Well played Sean.

Sean and his dad have the seemingly obligatory hometown week ‘is it love?’ talk and I just love love love his dad. I want to be adopted by Sean’s family. I don’t think Sean will ultimately be Emily’s choice (he’s wonderful and perfect but maybe a little dull?), but I think he would be a great husband and dad and his family is amazeballs. Sean’s dad later tells Emily that he’s seen a huge change in Sean since going on The Bachelorette. Sean’s mom pulls him aside for some serious talk. She wants to make sure that Sean understands that Emily is looking for a husband and a father for her daughter, and that makes it even more serious. Time for Emily to go. They kiss goodbye and he even chases down her departing car to give her another kiss. The perfect hometown date. They should get married and have perfect blonde babies named, like, Dallas and Bluebonnet or something.

Hometown dates are done and it’s time for Emily to narrow down the Penis Posse from four to three.

Pre-rose ceremony Emily sits down with her new BFF, host Chris Harrison, and gets emotional talking about the pending rose ceremony and having to send someone home after meeting their families. She doesn’t want the man who she lets go to think she didn’t like meeting his family or that her not choosing to move forward with him is in any way a reflection of their family. I interpret this as code for “I think I liked Chicago more than I like Chris.” Just sayin’. I’m guessing he’s going home tonight.

At the rose ceremony (no COCKtail party tonight – maybe she’s still tipsy from all the home town pre-meet the family day drinking), Emily presents the first rose to Arie. Ik hou van jou Arie! That’s Dutch for ‘I love you sweet ass.’ Actually, it’s just Dutch for ‘I love you’ but the ‘sweet ass’ was implied.

The second rose goes to Jef. YAYS.

Either Sean or Chris is heading home and………..predictably, it’s Chris who gets the boot.

And ooooooohhhh golly he is PISSED. A couple of bro hugs and he is ready to get the hell out. NOT SO FAST CHRIS – now you get to listen to why Emily didn’t choo-choo-choose you.

Chris is straight up angry, and Emily is flustered and tries to soften the blow by telling Chris that maybe when she wakes up the next day she’ll think she’s made a mistake but she ‘had to follow her heart’. He hurls himself into the limo and drives off. In the car ride confessional, Chris says some swears (gasp!) and can’t get over how perfect things had seemed and how much he loved Emily. Peace out, Chris.

Next week they’re off to Curacao! Until then….

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