The Bachelorette – Week 7

Week 7 finds Emily and the Penis Parade in Prague. Jealous! As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week seven spoilers (original air date – Monday, June 25, 2012).

This is the week before home town dates (when Emily will go meet the families of her final four dudes), so the stakes are high! We find out that there will be 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date this week. No roses will be handed out during the one-on-one dates, but there will be a rose up for grabs on the group date.

Arie gets the first solo date card (“Let’s Czech out Prague together!”). Oh you clever producers, you. I bet you were only lunch drunk when you came up with that gem! Meanwhile, Chris is starting to unravel which I’m curious to see play out.

Arie gets ready for his date by shaving with his dress shirt unbuttoned and I swear I had to reapply deodorant just watching him. So handsome.

Arie and Emily head out on their date and start with a stroll through picturesque Prague (with Emily wearing some scalloped silver shorts deal). They do a lot of kissing. They touch some statues. And Emily reveals (to the viewers) that she knows a secret about Arie. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

And of course we all know the secret because they’ve been hinting at it for weeks: Arie once dated one of the show’s producers.

[Cue dramatic music]

Host Chris Harrison addresses the issue. We find out that Arie once dated producer Cassie Lambert. It happened a long time ago, and Cassie told Emily about it as soon as it became clear to her that Emily and Arie were really hitting it off. We then see a conversation that takes place between Emily and Cassie (with Cassie standing off-camera). Emily worries that if Arie can so easily hide this relationship from her then what else could he be hiding?

Cassie fills in some details:

1) It’s been about 10 years since she and Arie dated;

2) They dated very, very briefly and it wasn’t serious; and

3) They’d only seen each other maybe once or twice since that time.

Cassie emphasizes that she wanted Emily to get to know Arie without associating him with Cassie right off the bat. Fair enough.

Cassie also confesses that she hasn’t told Arie that she’s told Emily about their history. It really sounds like Emily and Cassie are friends because Emily even knows Cassie’s fiancé. Emily is visibly upset by the whole situation.

Back on their date, Emily is asking Arie if considers himself to be honest and trustworthy and he’s all ‘totes!’ Oh shiiiiiiiiiit. This goes on for a while and then Arie’s says: “Do you want me to be honest with you?”

……[cue dramatic music…this is IT…].

Just kidding. Arie only confesses to a tattoo he got for his ex.

Poop.

Now Emily is really worried. In her mind, Arie had his chance to come clean and he didn’t.

Annnnnnnnnd we’re back to Chris Harrison who re-emphasizes that the relationship between Cassie and Arie was “very brief.” We are told that Emily, Arie and Cassie had a sit down off camera that afternoon where Arie claimed that he felt since his ‘relationship’ with Cassie had happened so long ago and was so brief it didn’t need to be brought up. Emily clearly accepts this answer and it’s all good in the hood.

Later that evening, Arie and Emily continue their date. They’re all cute and fancy dressed and kissy kissy and happy that everything’s all out in the open. Emily and Arie later talk about the home town dates, so it’s pretty obvi that Arie is making it through the week.  Arie drops the L word (all together now: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww) and tells Emily he’s had strong feelings for her since Croatia. Oh Arie, you’re so handsome with your perfect face and your perfect hair and please walk around shirtless more. Fireworks!!! No really, there are actual fireworks.

Back at the Penis Pad the dudes are wondering how Arie and Emily’s date is going, and Chris is “going a little bit crazy.” Um, dude, you are already there. Welcome to crazy. Population: you.

The next date card arrives and it’s for…John. Chris is “livid” but doesn’t want to show that he’s “losing his cool” (again, too late bud).

Time for Emily and John’s one-on-one date, and Emily admits  that she came close to sending John home before but she wanted to get to know him a bit better and see if there’s a connection there. It’s make or break day for John, and he feels it. They arrive at a site where lovers write messages on locks and attach them to a fence. Because locks are obviously a metaphor for their relationship, the lock won’t, you know, lock. Oops.

Back at the Prague Penis Pad, the dudes are noticing that Chris is getting a little nuts. He’s tired of sitting around and not having time with Emily and it’s getting to him. So, he announces he’s going to start day drinking (respect!). We also glimpse tattoos on Jef and Arie, and I cry a little because I love them so much and also I want to watch them hug.

Continuing with the trend of dark and somewhat creepy dinner dates, Emily and John go to dinner in a dungeon. John announces that “today was pretty awesome” and I almost spit out my lunch when Emily responds “you think so…” with just a hint of a question mark at the end. They start discussing past relationships and John confesses that the last girl he loved cheated on him. Downer! He gets into a LOT of detail on this – he called hospitals AND PRISONS (umm…why is your go-to thought that your girlfriend was in prison? She sounds like a winner). John is very keen to bring Emily to his hometown, and explains his slow relationship-y pace with Emily by saying: “I’m not a starter. I’m a closer.” Okey-dokey.

The group date card arrives at the Penis Pad and it’s for Sean, Doug and Crazy Chris. Chris is “visibly upset” about not getting a one-on-one date, and Sean decides he has to see Emily before the group date so he takes to the streets of Prague shouting Emily’s name. True story. He finally finds her and while Emily’s mouth says “This is a nice surprise,” her eyes scream “Creeper!” They chat a bit on the street and then go to make out and drink pints in a bar. It’s actually kind of cute, if you edit out the street screaming part.

The next day it’s time for the last group date of the season, and there’s one rose up for grabs. Whomever gets that rose is locked in for a hometown date. The men folk and Emily load onto a horse-drawn carriage and ride to an old castle.

Doug the Dad gives a toast to Emily being a “great host” and she confesses in her private interview that she was thisclose to sending him home the previous week. They grab a window bench seat and Doug tries to sell Emily on a hometown date with him. Then things get real awkward, real quick because Doug’s body language doesn’t read as someone who’s into her. He’s all crossed arms and awkward leg placement. He apologizes for their legs touching. What the eff?…Later, as they stand in the rain, Emily tells Doug that she feels like she’s fighting for him and isn’t really getting the impression that he’s into her. Translation: I don’t like you anymore but it’s easier if I just say that I think YOU’RE not into ME.

After a short speech, Emily cuts Doug loose.  Wow. I did not see that one coming. Doug gives an emotional speech in the van ride out about how he wants to fall in love and give his son a mom. It’s the most I’ve ever liked Doug from the neck up. Early on I would’ve pegged him as top 3 but in the last few weeks he’s been showing some really weird aspects of his personality so I’m kinda glad to see him go. I suspect his home town segment would’ve been awkward to watch, even after a bottle of wine.

So Doug’s gone, which means that Emily is now on a two-on-one date with Sean and Chris. Two-on-one dates are THE WORST. First Emily pulls Sean aside for some private time. They talk about how much they love their families (though would anyone ever say they HATE their families on this show? Like, “yeah my mom is a cunt basket and my pops is a complete douche nugget”). So they make out a bit. Meanwhile, Chris is losing his mind.

Back at the Penis Pad, Jef gets the last one-on-one date card, and the men talk about Chris and his barely contained crazy.

Back on her date, Emily and Chris are chatting and Chris tells her he’s kind of ticked about not getting a one-on-one date in Prague. Emily’s kiss is clearly the cure for crazy because Chris goes from a 10 to a 3 on the nutso scale.

Briefly.

After announcing how awkward the situation is, Emily gives Sean the date rose and Chris acts like he’s all cool with it but in his private interview he goes off the rails.

The next day, Emily arrives to pick (my husband) Jef up for their date. They enter the world’s creepiest puppet/doll/marionette store that’s the stuff of nightmares. A particularly life-like Michael Jackson puppet makes me cry a little in fear. After they step out, Jef runs back to get a ‘Ricki doll’ for Emily’s daughter Ricki.

Then they’re off to an amazing library that I’d love to drink wine in. Jef and Emily decide to re-enact their relationship through marionettes, and I hate the dolls but I love their chemistry. The ‘Jef’ marionette tells the ‘Emily’ marionette that he loves her, and their dolls kiss. And then they do. And then someone burned the dolls (I hope).

OHMYGODILOVEJEFSOMUCH.

They chat about the hometown dates and Jef let’s her know that if Emily came home with him to Utah she’d meet some of his brothers and sisters (one of whom is currently in China), but not his parents as they are in South Carolina and are “committed to some stuff  for a few years.” Mormon missionaries? I guess we’ll maybe find out later on. I am tempted to take more detailed notes because these are probably my future brother and sister-in-laws (according to my dreams/after five Palm Bays). Jef confesses that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her, and Emily panics a bit.

Emily and Jef cuddle up on the floor of the library (um, ok) and talk about their future and if they would move in together before marriage.  I love them so much as a couple even though I want to have like 6 of his babies. They don’t seem like a match on the surface but they really have something special. They talk about having kids and how they would discipline them (or not).

Then Jef drops the best line of the entire show and I threw my underwear at the TV (and by TV I mean my computer screen):

“I want to date you so hard and marry the [bleep] out of you.”

After their date, Emily and Chris Harrison have a chin wag (I love their chats – I feel like they’re actually buds), and Emily decides to forgo the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail since she knows exactly what she wants to do.  Out in the holding area, Chris is on the verge of hysteria and then Chris Harrison enters and let’s them know that there’s not going to be a COCKtail party and therefore no chance to speak with Emily before the elimination. Chris goes into full-on panic mode, and John is super confident that the perceived awesomeness of their date is edging him ahead of Chris and that he’s safe. In a private interview, Chris gets teary-eyed and says he’s “not ready for it to be over” with him and Emily. Shit.

Rose ceremony time y’all! Sean is safe from his group date rose so he’s all relaxed and shiny. Jef gets the first rose. Then Arie.

Pretty predictable.

It’s down to Chris and John.

Just as Emily is about to hand out the final rose, Chris announces that he needs to speak to Emily. He tells her he’s really “dying inside” because of how he acted on their group date and that he’s falling in love with Emily.

Of. Course.

The rose ultimately goes to Chris and John looks like he could poop or scream or both.

Emily and John say their goodbyes, and John is clearly a bit in shock but he handles himself really well. Class act, dude.

And then there were four………

Until next week!

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