I honestly don’t know why I resisted watching the Bachelor/Bachelorette for so many years. This show is my happy place (and this week featured a bunch of handsome men in kilts – I died). As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week six spoilers (original air date – Monday, June 18, 2012).
Week six finds the Penis Parade in Croatia (jealous), and Travis the egg guy gets the first one-on-one date card. I had forgotten that Travis existed, and I think that’s kind of the problem with him. Too generic, blendy, blah. As Emily and Travis stroll through Dubrovnik with ice cream cones in hand, he’s clearly smitten but her body language is practically screaming ‘WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.’ They come across some rock deal poking out of some ancient wall that supposedly has magic love powers if you can manage to stand on it for like 30 seconds and remove an article of clothing (best scam ever). I’ve never seen a man so desperate to balance on anything, ever. But he forgets to take his shirt off and Emily is bummed because she wanted to see what’s under all those clothes. Dear Emily: Travis is NOT Sean. Just because Travis is also blonde doesn’t mean he has Sean’s ridiculous body. Apparently church does the body good, AMIRIGHT? Also, I comment that Travis just seems…old. And he’s only 30. But M reminds me that “American 30 is like Canadian 40.” Word.
Even the camera guys are bored on this date so the action swings back to the Penis Pad and I’m pretty sure the only reason they even aired this footage was so the world could collectively laugh at Ryan’s tank top. I’ll give you a minute with this.
So I guess in between shaving his legs and grooming his facial hair, Ryan somehow found the time to shop for some women’s clothing.
I’m still laughing at this image when the action swings back to Emily and Travis in a cave (?). It’s like she’s allergic to real restaurants or something. What’s with all the dark dinners? Their date is boring and blah blah Travis was engaged and blah blah he has a big heart and blah blah I spend this time getting more wine.
The group date card arrives back at the Penis Pad, and by process of elimination we learn that Ryan gets the next one-on-one date (his second of the season). I want to wipe my brain with Purell in anticipation of the grossness that I’m going to have to listen to on this date.
Back at dinner, it’s rose time and Emily tells Travis that she thinks he’s really great and sweet and funny but that she just doesn’t feel the romantic connection that she had hoped for. He’s out. When he gets up from the table to leave he brings his wine which makes me actually find him attractive for the first time. I would’ve been shoving bottles into my purse.
They say their goodbyes and he walks through the rain (of course) and cries (you’ve known her for like a minute – man up!) and THROWS HIS UMBRELLA onto the street. I bet he’s thinking “I can’t believe I smashed an ostrich egg for this chick.”
So it’s group date time and nothing says adult romance like watching an animated children’s movie about a rebellious Scottish teenager (?). It’s called ‘Brave’ and I’m probably going to see it, but not sober. Bringing your own wine into a movie theater is technically ‘against the rules’ or whatever but I prefer to view it as ‘frowned upon’ and nothing turns a frown upside down like an $8.95 bottle of wine poured into 6 flasks.
Emily announces that the men on the group date will now put on some skirts and compete in some Highland Games. I heard Hunger Games at first and I got really excited because I wanted someone to set killer bees on Doug the Dad. Am I mean? But then my hatred of Doug was set aside by fear for Jef’s safety, because he has poet arms and I love him. Luckily, it wasn’t Hunger Games but actually just dudes throwing around trees and playing tug-of-war.
First up was archery and everyone laughed at Chris for standing like a gymnast who’s just stuck her landing off the balance beam. Next up was log throwing (there’s a clever penis euphemism here somewhere but I’m dying of allergies and even my hair hurts), and Sean proves Jesus IS his homeboy because he not only successfully tosses the log but his super human strength (hello, biceps) actually causes the log to BREAK. I swear my vagina somersaulted towards the TV screen just a little bit. The last event is a sexy tug-of-war with a stick and Chris chooses to go up against Doug which proves he’s probably a bit blind because Doug may be a dope but the dude is built. Chris loses but is gracious about it and Emily gives him the ‘Bravery Award’ and a kiss under a blanket during some private time after the Games.
Back in pants (boo – Jef looked so adorable in that kilt) the men folk get to relax a little at the post-Games COCKtail party where Emily and Arie go for a walk and make out against a wall. It’s hot. Arie looks like the best kisser of the bunch. Jef and Emily also get some private time and when she confronts him about why he took so long to kiss her Jef admits he was scared but let’s her know he’s super into her and then they make out and I want to touch his hair all the time. Chris gets the group date rose because Emily thinks he’s really good looking.
Time for Ryan’s one-on-one and it’s fairly obvious from the editing of his getting-ready montage that the producers hate Ryan as much as we do. We’re treated to a view of the bright blue loafers he plans to wear on his date, his meticulous grooming habits and his morning pep talk routine (which should go something like: “Today I’m going to be condescending to women and do a lot of maniac blinks”).
Emily and Ryan drive off to their one-on-one date and already she’s feeling a little unsure and calling him ‘trouble.’ But there’s obviously some chemistry there though I can’t help but feel that Ryan makes her feel like she has to impress him all the time (and later she confirms this in her solo interview). After a boat ride where oysters are on offer (Emily spits hers out), they head to a bench by the water and Ryan starts throwing around the term ‘trophy wife’ again. Emily is visibly annoyed.
At dinner, Ryan pulls out a list of 12 qualities he’s looking for in a (trophy) wife. HE MADE A LIST Y’ALL. Um, when did this become the ‘Ryan Show’? Qualities include a ‘servant’, someone who is ‘loyal’, ‘logical’, ‘unselfish’ and ‘catches his eye’. I’m thinking he could go to Japan and get one of those girlfriend dolls and just be done with it. So Emily kind of gives him the gears. She confesses that she feels the need to always be ‘perfect’ around him and that although she thinks he’s great looking and they definitely have a connection she’s just not sure they’re on the same page. Her priorities are family and his is, apparently, marrying a submissive Barbie Doll. Ryan is stunned. Stunned. He can NOT believe she isn’t jumping over the table to pin that rose on him. After telling her how ‘very shocking’ this all is about 10 times he proceeds to spend the next 5 years (or so it feels) telling her why she’s making a HUGE mistake and how he just can’t believe it and oh my god I stopped breathing because it really seemed like she would change her mind.
I swear we all screamed at the TV ‘NOOOOOOOOOOO’. He almost had her. Almost. She wavers – worrying that she’s not 100% sure she’s making the right decision in letting him go. But in the end Emily sends a SHOCKED Ryan packing.
While walking to the car Ryan’s voice-over says he’s sure the guys will all be floored when he doesn’t come back to the Penis Pad, and that of course they’re all such good pals and his bros will miss him soooooo much.
Um, not so much!
Back at the Penis Pad the guys are vocal about their hopes that Ryan doesn’t return. When his suitcase is retrieved, indicating that he was sent home, they all holler and laugh and high-five and back slap and Arie is so handsome when he’s getting his way. It’s a great scene.
Later that night, Arie sneaks over to Emily’s room and tells Emily how happy he is that she saw through Ryan’s salesmanship and smooth exterior to the true evil within (I’m paraphrasing). They make out (natch) and M, R and I actually grunt at the television. In a voice-over while Arie reluctantly heads back to his room he confesses he could “marry that girl tomorrow.” Wow. Dude, pump the brakes a little. Why is it always like this on The Bachelor/Bachelorette? People fall in love in like 4 minutes. Must be the alcohol. and European air.
Time for the COCKtail party and rose ceremony. Having sent her two one-one-one dates (Travis and Ryan) home, Emily has 6 potential suitors left. At this point, I’m looking at John (nickname “Wolf”) to go because they seem to have never even talked. But it turns out John’s got a big brain under that receding hairline because he pulls out the dead grandparents card. Literally. He pulls out of his wallet the funeral cards of his grandparents. He gets emotional, she gets emotional, they kiss and it would appear that John has made his mark. Well played.
So who’s going to go, then? Well, Doug the Dad has lost momentum the past two weeks, and since Chris already has a rose from the group date then there’s really no one else I can see her sending home at this point. And when Doug and Emily chat it’s awkward and feels forced and he even admits that he feels the other guys have gotten way ahead of where he is at this point.
When it’s time to hand out the roses it seems like Doug’s going home because Emily would feel too guilty to get rid of John after their emotional conversation and kiss. She gets down to one rose and as predicted, it’s between John and Doug.
Emily abruptly leaves the room and finds host Chris Harrison who is lurking in a cobblestone alley with another camera guy or producer-type (um, creepy!). A panicked sounding Emily tells Chris she doesn’t know what to do. Chris assures Emily that there are “no rules” and she can do whatever she wants. She hands Chris the remaining rose and walks back in and we’re all thinking ‘holy shit she’s getting rid of both of them!!!’ But at the last second Chris walks into the room with TWO roses and everyone stays.
Somewhere, Ryan is looking into a mirror and whispering “It’s ok, big guy. You’re totally going to be the next Bachelor. Also, remember to shave my chest tomorrow.”
Next week the Penis Brigade and Emily are off to Prague and it looks like there’s trouble in paradise for Emily and Arie. Stay tuned…..