The Bachelorette – Week 5

Welcome to Week 5! I was eagerly anticipating this episode but I was out having dinner to celebrate my 30th birthday(!) so I had to covertly watch it in my office on my lunch break today. Mostly I was just excited to see my future husband Jef (let me have my delusions) get his first one-on-one date with Emily. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week five spoilers (original air date – Monday, June 11, 2012).

The Penis Parade is in jolly ole’ England, and good guy Sean gets the first date card.

At the Penis Pad (London), Jef is bummed about not getting a date card and always being on group dates. Kalon douches up their hotel suite by commenting that whoever ends up with Emily will basically always be on a group date because she has a daughter. OHNOYOUDIDN’T.

While Sean and Emily are being super tourists, the group date card arrives and by process of elimination it’s revealed that Jef (which goes so well with Jenn, right?) will be on the one-on-one date later in the week. 27 booyahs.

Back on Sean and Emily’s date in the Tower of London, Emily is crushing hard on ‘marriage material’ Sean and has lost her voice at some point. They eat dinner and give each other googly eyes. He gets the rose. They make out on a balcony. I start to suspect Emily is contractually obliged to make out with as many of the men in as many cliché places as possible.

Group date time. Oh god help us all the men have to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. I almost had to fast forward through this part because if anyone can kill Romeo and Juliet for me, it’s Ryan and Kalon. They may suck at acting, but most of these dudes have really great style. There were pea coats, people. PEA COATS! After auditioning for various roles, the men costume up and perform for a group of onlookers. Kalon takes his Romeo role too serious. Arie kills it playing a chick, and has the best one liner of the episode with: “If Shakespeare was alive today and saw Ryan, he would say, ‘Thouest suck’.” Oh snap. Doug is exponentially less annoying when he’s playing The Nurse.

After butchering Shakespeare, the dudes get to hang out with Emily and Arie gets the first makeout of the night. Then Ryan pulls her aside and says he has a surprise for her. I whisper “syphilis’ but it turns out to be jewelry. Kalon is sulky and says he’s not looking forward to talk to an “exhausted, sick mother who has a daughter waiting at home” and the men collectively lose their shit. The word ‘baggage’ is used about 100 times and Doug the Dad is nominated to tell Emily about what Kalon has been saying. Her initial response is that she wants to respond in a ‘lady-like’ way…followed quickly by a confession that she wants to ‘rip his limbs off.’ That’s more like it. I would have taken off my earrings, handed them to Doug, and made a run at Kalon for some dick punching. Emily lets us know that she wants to go “West Virginia, hood rat backwoods on his ass” and I clapped at my desk. I have a fondness for hood rats, as I kind of was one from the age of 14-15. Like, I SAT ON THE HOODS OF CARS and wore a lot of tight ponytails.

Oh oh oh and then Emily heads out to confront a sputtering Kalon and uses his words against him. Remember in week three when Kalon said “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish?” Well Emily gets her digs with this gem: “Let me talk. I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done. I got that line from you.” She tells Kalon to get the fuck out. Literally. Fist pump. Emily confronts the men about not telling her that Kalon was a piece of crap earlier, but the men respond well in saying that they figured she would figure it out on her own. She decides not to hand out a date rose and is super upset that none of the men had her back.

The next day, Jef shows up for his one-on-one date looking so handsome I slid off my chair. But then I found a cheesestring that I brought for a snack and thought I had left on the subway under my desk so win-win right?

Jef and Emily meet with an etiquette teacher for afternoon tea and Jef is bummed because all he wants to do is walk with Emily and hold her hand but etiquette teacher Jean is all up in his crumpet. Emily and Jef decide to take off to a pub for some pints (yays!). Jef confesses that Kalon had talked shit in front of him and Emily questions why he didn’t tell her. Jef compares Emily’s daughter to a high-end handbag (it sounded better than it reads, trust me) and they cheers and I want to live in his blood. Later, they head to the London Eye for some din dins and conversation. Emily worries that Jef moves too slow and about her judgment in not seeing Kalon’s true colours earlier. Jef responds handsomely. That’s a thing, right? I stopped listening to the words, to be honest. But they both swore a lot. And then OH MY GOD Emily lets slip that she wanted to ‘take off her earrings’ the previous night and go after Kalon. Confession time: I’m kind of live blogging while watching the episode (hello, multi-tasking) so my earlier comment about wanting to take off my earrings was a total coincidence and I may have just blurted out: “We both like to remove our earrings before slapping people – we’re fight twins!’ My office mate didn’t react because this doesn’t even make the list of top 10 weird things I’ve said out loud today.

Jef and Emily have a great chat where Jef pretty much comes off as the perfect date, boyfriend and future step-father. Um, he’s like super into dance parties of the at-home variety and everyone who’s ever met me knows that I pretty much only leave my apartment when I get tired of dancing in my OWN kitchen and want to dance in someone else’s apartment.  He gets the rose and finally – FINALLY – kisses Emily. I wasn’t even jealous. That’s how evolved I am since turning 30. Yesterday.

Time for the COCKtail party and all the men are scrambling to explain why they didn’t tell her about Kalon earlier. Arie probably handles it best but Emily is definitely shaken up by the whole thing. Ryan, predictably, acts out the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet in an effort to get back in Emily’s good books. Sean and Emily have a sweet slow dance and then it’s time for the rose ceremony. I predict that Travis the Egg Guy, Alejandro or John will be sent home as they are pretty obvious bottom three guys. Despite leaving Arie and Alejandro for last, not one person with ears or eyes would ever think for a second that Arie would be leaving so it comes as no surprise when Alejandro is sent packing. Ale-Ale-jandro.

Looks like next week Emily makes out with everyone in Croatia. Can’t wait!

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