The Bachelorette – Week Four

Ah, week 4. Quite the game changer. K made some amazing grilled chicken and veg, R cracked a bottle of red and we were glued to the couch for the next two hours. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week four spoilers (original air date – Monday, June 4, 2012).

It’s off to Bermuda for Emily and the Penis Parade! It appears that Bermuda was rather chilly that week. And that’s not a metaphor because I’ve not had sufficient caffeine and therefore am the opposite of clever today.

So right off the bat, Ryan is annoying. We started calling him ‘Thick Neck’ during last week’s episode and it stuck. This week he increasingly comes off as douche-y and downright rude. Also…sketchy? More on that later.

The first date card arrives and the lucky dude is Doug the dad. Doug made a great impression on Emily’s friends last week, but his friendly facade starts to crack when Arie teases him a bit about whether or not he’s stressing on getting a rose on this date. It’s instant elimination, bros. Go big or go home. Pressure! Emily walks in right smack in the middle of the Arie-Doug shitstorm and immediately senses tension. Doug plasters on a quick fake smile and an ‘it’s all good’ posture and they head off on their date. In a video confession clip, Arie hilariously compares Doug to The Hulk and I almost peed a little. Oh and somewhere in there Alejandro complains about not getting any time with Emily to which I screamed at the TV “YOU’RE A MUSHROOM FARMER AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE 8 YEARS OLD. SUCK IT UP.”

Doug and Emily are off to explore Bermuda, but mostly Doug just mentions that he’s a dad every 4 seconds. Dude, we get it. You have a kid. That’s great. Anything else to share? Emily has written a letter to Doug’s son (awwww….) that she reads aloud and things seem to be cute between these two. Later during dinner Emily grills Doug about what an ex-girlfriend would say were the bad things about him. Loaded question, Emily. Someone just brought a gun to a knife fight! He again manages to work BEING A DAD into this one and also that maybe his ex would’ve said he didn’t wash her car…enough. Gag me dude.  Doug gets the date rose and we groaned so loud I think K’s neighbours heard us.

Back at the Penis Pad (Bermuda), the group date card arrives (sailing adventures, booyah!) and the three dudes who didn’t make the cut – Nate, Michael and John – are dreading going on the 2-on-1 date because it’s instant elimination for one dude. I bet they were hoping NOT to get the date card for that one. I’ve had high hopes for Nate because I want to smell all of his t-shirts. I can’t stand Michael’s long-hair/headband look that he’s been sporting in Bermuda and I find John completely generic and uninteresting. But we must wait to find out which two guys are going on that date because…..

It’s group date time!

The Penis Parade hits the open seas (insert obvious seamen joke here). Jef (love of my life and skateboarding entrepreneur), Arie (handsome race car driver), Kalon (flew in on a helicopter/cartoon villain face), Sean (handsome and sweet but a shiny face problem), Travis (the egg guy), Ryan (thick neck/douchebag), Charlie (loveable and huggable but not very interesting) and Chris (he’s NOT too young for you, Emily!) are on this date. In true Bachelorette fashion, the men are divided into two teams and told they are competing to win time with Emily later on.

I love a good sailing race. Probably because I look really good in deck shoes and I once was in a sailing race and got hit in the head with the boom which is like the ONE thing they tell you to watch out for and then everything went a little fuzzy after that. Anyhoodle.

The yellow team wins (Jef, Kalon, Arie and Ryan) and are off to celebrate with alcohol and awkward toasts (I had to laugh when Emily walked in the room – can’t remember if it was at this point or later during the pre-rose ceremony COCKtails – and announced “You all look so handsome” and every single guy responded “You too!” haha). At the victory party, there’s the seemingly obligatory group toast and Ryan – hand to god – toasts to his ‘future wife’. OHNOYOUDIDN’T. Whatever. She makes out with Arie like a minute later. Boom.

Then she takes Jef out to the beach and he just won’t kiss her which I’m thrilled about, because he should be dating me (ha) and because I think maybe he’s keeping her a bit on her toes by being the anti-Ryan aggressive type. Respect Jef with one F. Respect.

Now it’s Ryan’s turn for some private time with Emily and I immediately want to punch him in the taint. Every word that comes out of his mouth is borderline rude or outright asshat-y (it’s totes a word). But in his mind that’s being ‘flirtatious’. Uh, whatever thick neck. He also manages to basically call Emily a whore for making out with other guys on the show and further twists the knife by saying she’s a role model for young women watching the show so she should really think about what she’s portraying on national television.

Cut to Emily doing a solo interview and saying that there’s a double standard when it comes to the Bachelor vs. the Bachelorette (so true!) and that she feels Ryan is “judging her” (also true). Hmm….Miss Maynard may be onto Ryan’s dickbag behaviour. Fingers crossed.

Later, Emily gives Jef the date rose (thrilled, but did he really deserve it?) and the gang is off to watch fireworks. “Jef, you make fireworks happen in my pants!” I may have shouted at the television. You’ll never know.

It’s 2-on-1 date time, also known as the most awkward date EVER. Nate and John (why is his nickname ‘Wolf’?) are the (un)lucky two. They head out on their date knowing that one of them isn’t coming back. Cue dramatic music. No, really, they cued dramatic music. Nate shows up perhaps a tad overdressed but looking like a murder suspect on CSI: Miami and John is…forgettable. Like I have to keep checking that his name is John.

Back at the Penis Pad, Doug is dicking Chris around about being a ‘younger dude’ and how that speaks to his ‘maturity.’ Things get tense. I got another glass of wine.

Back at the 2-on-1, Emily is wearing a bikini and telling Nate and John that she never works out, and I’m sitting on K’s couch with fists clenched because I’ve been living on lean cuisines and salad for a month and I think it’s making my eye twitch but MOVING ON… everyone cliff jumps or whatever and then it’s time to start drinking and pushing food around on a plate with your forks because this is the most awkward date of all time. ALL TIME. Emily pulls Nate away for a chat and he talks about the amazing people in his life and gets choked up and I get choked up because I bet he smells so good. And then she chats with John and I can’t remember what he says because I’m busy trying to convince R and K that Nate is a dark horse and we shouldn’t count him out and how great is the name Nate! RIGHT?! And then when I looked back at the TV Emily was sending Nate home. Boo. As Nate is walking away to the tiny speedboat of embarrassment that will take him off the island, John totally chugs some wine and then maybe I like him a little now. I’m a fickle bitch.

It’s once again time for the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party. Emily immediately pulls Alejandro aside and he’s all cute and everything but the chemistry is lacking and now Ryan is back and more patronizing than ever and I can barely contain my rage [red wine, red wine]. Arie interrupts Emily and Ryan’s chat (thanksgod) and Emily confesses that she thinks about Arie when she’s alone at night. Meow! Then the audience is treated to Ryan chatting with Michael about how he thinks he’s meant for bigger and better things and how if he’s ever The Bachelor he would be like a gift to the world or something. HATE. I had started to suspect he was a complete jerk but this just took it to a new level. So was this all just a ploy for him to be the next Bachelor? Does he even like Emily at all? I am sure that people have definitely come on the show in the past to get their 15 minutes of fame out of it but (and please tell me if I’m wrong because I’ve only watched a few seasons of the show) are they ever actually dumb enough to admit their scheming ways on camera? Thick neck has a thick head, apparently.

Sean and Emily have a cute makeout session and then Chris rats on Doug to Emily for calling him immature and too young. Emboldened by his reveal to Emily that some dudes are giving him the gears for being 25, Chris goes off to confront Doug. They both come off kind of bad in their resulting war of words, and I see just a hint of sociopath in Doug’s eyes and I’m starting to worry that maybe he’s actually just a creeper (who’s a dad – did you know? ha) with really nice biceps.

Just before the rose ceremony, Emily sits down with host Chris Harrison for an incredibly revealing and candid chat where she fully admits to knowing that Ryan is manipulative and that Doug causes drama. And I fist pump a little for her because she is totally seeing it. She still keeps them both around though, and sends Michael and Charlie home.

That’s all folks. And I’m so excited for next week because they’re off to London, England, and it looks like Jef finally gets a 1-on-1 date and his outfit made me scream a little.


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