Last night K, R and I resurrected our Monday night TV dates and hunkered down with some sushi, wine and The Bachelorette. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week three spoilers (original air date – Monday, May 28).
I’m just going to jump right in.
So the first solo date card is awarded to Chris, the Corporate Sales Director (whatever that means) from Chicago (♥). After scaling a tall building (!) and high-fiving (yup), Chris and Emily sit down to dinner where Emily is dismayed to learn that Chris is – GASP – one whole year younger than her. She gives him concerned eyes and he counters with “BUT I’M A MAN!” I wish I was making that part up because I actually like Chris and think he’s probs going to be among the final four contestants. Clearly, she like his Tarzan-esque speech because she gives him a rose and they continue onto the second half of their date: a country crooner and a kiss. Emily surprises Chris by taking him to see Luke Bryan perform and they share a rather cute kiss (the first of the season!) in front of a bunch of strangers who are made to sit back and watch this all go down before the producers finally give the go-ahead for them to join in on the fun and everyone piles onto the dance floor. Also, Luke Bryan is très handsome and to borrow a phrase from M: “I would like to go camping on his face.”
On to a group date that I will refer to as ‘Interrogation Nation’. The Penis Parade shows up at a park and immediately Ryan (who received the first solo date last week) starts swinging his dick around like him and Em’s are already a done deal and these other dudes are just losers creeping around a park full of kids. Emily leaves the men tossing around a football and wanders off to find……her best friends! All of them look 35. All of them are married with kids, apparently. Seriously Americans, doesn’t anyone go to college any more or are you all getting married and then knocked up straight out of high school??!!! Turns out this day in the park won’t be all fun and games but there will be some grilling (though just not the fun kind where you end up with a cheeseburger). Emily’s friends pair up to interview Em’s potential suitors – and they don’t go easy on them. They ask about any experience dating women with children, and it turns out a few of the men have dated women with kids (including my husband Jef – and yes, I’m still referring to him as my husband because I CAN and I’m cute so I generally get away with this kind of crazy). Emily’s friends also grill the dudes about any history of cheating and they fully call out Travis on the whole egg thing (seriously, what the eff is up with him carrying around a freaking EGG and why did he name it?). Stevie, the Party MC (I would’ve just put ‘unemployed’ on my application) busts out some dance moves and basically sends my lady parts running for the hills. Sean, the insurance agent from Dallas (who I had forgotten existed) comes out of nowhere and aces his interview with Emily’s friends. He’s charming and adorable (though a tad shiny-skinned), and it turns out he has a super hot body and he’s kinda religious which may work in his favour with Emily(?). Suddenly, Sean seems like a frontrunner and Ryan is increasingly looking like a thick-necked sleaze, especially after he basically tells Emily that if they were to get married and she got fat he’d need like 10 Viagra prescriptions just to cuddle with her. Any chemistry that Ryan had built with Emily during their first date evaporates in the blink of an over-mascaraed eye.
After the park, Emily makes special time for single dad Doug and Sean, who her friends indicated were their top two picks for her based on the Interrogation Nation afternoon. I suspect Doug will also make it far in this competition, and he’s an early fan favourite whom Emily seems rather smitten with. Sean talks to her about the loving husband/father example his dad set for him (his parents still hold hands – squeal), and Doug pours his heart out about his difficult upbringing in foster care. Tony (the other single dad on the show) is really missing his son and gets quite emotional about it and cries all over Emily and, really, it’s touching but also I think deep down he knows that they’re not a match and maybe he should just go home now. And then Emily sends him home, but Tony’s in good spirits about it. As expected, Sean gets the date rose. Well played hot body Jesus guy.
Back at the Penis Pad, Arie the race car driver gets the final one-on-one date card. Can I just say that although by the end of the episode I’m totally team Arie, I still think it’s a bit in poor taste for the producers to have cast a race car driver on the show given that Emily’s first fiancé (who passed away in a plane crash) was a race car driver. Just sayin’.
So Emily and Arie fly to Dollywood and are tasked with writing a love song. Gag me. But then Dolly Parton shows up like an angel with magnificent breasts and a love story of her own to share: her and her husband have been together for 47 years!!! Dolly and Emily share some private girl talk time and it’s really cute how much of a superfan Emily is. Then Dolly performs a song written for Emily and I swear even my cold heart melted a little. I do love me some Dolly. R looked at me and said “We would’ve totally yelled at her to sing Jolene.” Totally.
Later at dinner, Arie reveals that he too once dated a woman with kids and that this was his last relationship that had ended about a year ago. Emily dicks Arie around for like a minute pretending he won’t get a rose but of course he does (I smell top 4), and then they make out.
Once again, it’s COCKtail party time at the Penis Pad. And complete douchecanoe/luxury brand consultant Kalon (remember him – flew in on a helicopter?) gets some early alone time with Emily. He promptly shits all over this opportunity by actually saying these words: “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish” after she interjects on one of his dumbass soliloquies. I SHIT YOU NOT. Despite that, she ends up giving him a rose during the rose ceremony. Ugh. But she does make him sweat a little. Claps. Also during the COCKtail party, Emily gets to smash Travis’s stupid egg (finally). Alessandro, the icky Brazilian guy who has a hot face but date rapist hair gets promptly eliminated by Emily during a chat when he tells her that being with someone who has a child would be a “compromise.” What an ass. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt at first that it was a language barrier issue but nope, he said “compromise” like 8 times and she said buy-bye. Shaken by Alessandro’s rudeness, Emily seems a bit pissy but is quickly comforted by Arie and then Sean (who lays it on a little thick with the ‘your daughter would be my daughter’ stuff) who she makes out with too. Good week for Emily – three makeouts!
Rose ceremony time. It gets down to Nate the accountant (the guy who Emily said “smelled really good” in week one but whom we’ve barely seen since then, promoting me to incorrectly refer to him as Kyle for most of the episode) and Stevie the party MC. I panic a little that she might get rid of Nate because they seemingly haven’t exchanged a word. Prior to the rose ceremony I was thinking that maybe Nate would be a dark horse in this competition, and that the producers were editing out his scenes with Emily to throw us off the scent and lead us to believe that he wouldn’t be around for long, but that started to seem like a long shot as the roses dwindled. Much to my relief, Nate receives the final rose and Stevie is sent home to continue being an MC and looking a little too much like Chris Kirkpatrick of ‘N Sync. The end,
Until next week!