The Bachelorette – Week Two

I’ve been in Montreal since Friday so I’m quite behind on my TV viewing, but I did manage to catch up on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week two spoilers (original air date – Monday, May 21). 

I can sum up week two in one word: YAWN.

I appreciate that Emily chose to forgo the typical crazy first one-on-one date of the season (helicopter jumping or cliff diving or bare knuckle boxing with a drunk grizzly bear) to spend a casual afternoon at her mansion baking cookies with Ryan for her daughter’s soccer game. After all, she is a single mom and this is her life. She’s got shit to do, yo. Hand to god I want her to do a laundry date. If I were The Bachelorette, I’d be trying to convince the producers that nothing would make for better TV than having my potential suitors over to paint my place and do some light laundry and tiling. Two birds, people. Two birds.

Ryan seemed a tad disappointed that he wasn’t going to spend the day fighting ninjas or whatever but they got on well and had a nice afternoon. Later they do dinner and a surprise performance by her favourite country band who’s name I can’t bother to look up. There’s some awkward dancing and everyone is taking their picture with their iPhones to post to Facebook later. Awkward. Ryan’s handsome in a smooth, soap opera actor kind of way (he’d make a good Lance or Mitch). The date ends well, and Ryan gets a rose and as such will be safe during the rose ceremony.

Meanwhile, back at the Penis Pad (that’s just how I’m going to refer to the house where the men sleep and drink beer)…… everyone hates Kalon (the guy who flew in on a helicopter), the men are starting to get aggressive in their ploys for time with Emily, and I start to feel sorry for the camera man whose job it is to film the men lounging out by the pool all the time.

The group date involves the Muppets. That’s all the time I want to spend writing about that. I have recurring nightmares about Kermit the Frog. Moving on.

The final one-on-one date of the week is with Joe, who Emily says reminds her of Matthew McConaughey. That made me laugh so hard I spit out my lunch wine. The dude looks more like a foot with hair. Nice enough guy. Kind of generic. Emily ultimately decides not to give Joe a rose, and so he is sent home immediately. These sudden death eliminations are stressful! Back at the Penis Pad, the dudes are shocked to see Joe’s bags being taken away. Emily cries and laments over how hard it is and looks really pretty on a balcony while doing so.

Time for the pre-rose ceremony COCKtails (get it?). The men folk clamour for some last moments of one-on-one time with Emily…and she only has eyes for my husband Jef. That’s just what I’m going to call him from now on. Go with it.

Ryan gives her a note and makes her read it and it’s awkward for everyone and the men are pissed because OH MY GOD RYAN ALREADY HAS A ROSE HOW DARE HE TALK TO EMILY! —- and my god is she STILL reading that note because while that’s been happening I had enough time to take a shower AND cyber-stalk Ryan Gosling and ok we’re back —- and Kalon is creepy and let’s just get this night over with people!

Aaron (I love his big glasses and the fact that he teaches biology and I cheated my way through biology in high school) and Kyle (he’s like human frozen yogurt) are sent packing and everyone drinks.

Until next week. Dolly Parton will be on the show y’all. Gird your loins!

See last week’s recap here:


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