If you haven’t watched the most recent episode of The Bachelorette – being the first episode of this new season featuring Emily Maynard (air date: Monday, May 14) – you may want to stop reading as I reveal one of the eliminated contestants.
Before you start judging, I would like to offer up a weak defense: I’ve only watched – in total – maybe 3 seasons of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad. Hand to god. And there’s been a combined, like, 389 seasons. Or something. I’d like to say my reasons for not watching have been altruistic, but really it’s because since moving into my own apartment in the city 6 1/2 years ago, I’ve never had cable nor been able to pick up CityTV with rabbit ears. Probably for the best.
About a year and a half ago I got sucked into Bachelor Pad (because I’m a stupid bitch), and then this past winter I watched every single episode of Ben’s season on The Bachelor because I wanted to get some tips on what a girl’s got to do to bag a wine maker. It turns out, you have to be really beautiful but completely awful to women.
So cut to me on my couch Tuesday night streaming the previous night’s premiere episode of The Bachelorette Season 8 featuring Emily Maynard. She’s 26 (which seems impossible to me because I’m 29 and she looks waaaaaaaaaay older but not in a busted face way) and a single mom. Her fiancé was a racecar driver who died in a plane crash about a week before she discovered she was pregnant. She also ‘won’ a previous season of the Bachelor (Brad’s second season) but they broke up like a minute later. Pretty typical.
So week one of every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette is when they introduce the contestants. This week’s episode was pretty much a penis parade. One dude after another got out of a limo (or a helicopter, ick) and introduced himself to Emily with some variation on the phrase “My god you’re beautiful/You look spectacular/I can’t wait to go on this journey/You look amazing.” – side note: I wanted to start a drinking game during Ben’s season where you had to take a shot every time someone said the word journey, but I would have been trashed after the “previously, on The Bachelor’ recap that they run in the first 5 minutes of each episode.
There were some stand-out dudes. A handsome single dad named Doug who ended up with the first impression rose. A super handsome pro sports trainer named Ryan whose neck I want to sniff a little. A skateboarding CEO of a water bottle company named Jef who I think I’m in love with. An accountant named Nate who Emily seemed smitten with during the intros, and described as smelling really good (sold!).
There was one dude who I immediately had to scream “OH HELL NO!” at. A ‘singer-songwriter’ from New York named David who I’m pretty sure was using The Bachelorette as a forum by which to announce to the world that he’s a complete douchenugget without having to get t-shirts printed up. He was one of the men they included amongst the more in-depth interviews they ran early in the episode (you see where they live, their cute dogs, maybe a glance at them in some gym attire, meow). His entire segment consisted of him singing into a camera the chorus to a song clearly called Emily. The chorus, if you’re interested, was just the word ‘Emily’ over and over again. He – spoiler – got eliminated. Phew.
Then I had to wait for M to catch up. And then this text message conversation happened:
M: Watching The Bachelorette – she’s 26??????? aaaaaaaaaaand she’s been engaged twice. Twice! I’ve only been fake engaged once.
J: And that was to me. I’m having trouble with the 26 too. But how much do we love CEO skateboarder Jef?
M: Seriously though, he’s the reason girls (okay me) keep dating guys who are basically homeless.
J: Right? I’m hoping he’s like the host of PUNK’D: SO CAL EDITION.
M: And all of the proceeds go to helping teach inner city children how to read. Fucker. Ugh, he’s probably curing AIDS.
J: With his feelings. I need to meme him.
M: I hope he murders New York singer-songwriter guy. Seriously! Where is his studio. His mom’s basement? Because no one’s paying him for that.
J: They pay him to stop. I was actually terrified of him. I had to fast forward through his bits.
M: That is the shape of my nightmares.
J: He probably gets murdered.
M: Fingers crossed. She should just marry Chris Harrison. He’s the best one.
J: And he just split with his wife!
M: Exactly! They both obviously love being engaged.