Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number

First, a moment of remembrance for Aaliyah. I was OBSESSED with this song and the fact that Aaliyah was 14. 14!!!!

But I digress.

So I was thinking today about the first time I felt ‘old.’

Side note: I know I’m not actually ‘old’, though I can see 30 from where I’m standing (in my kicky Steve Madden booties that I can’t really walk in and we could say I’m wearing a beret but I’m not but let’s say I am) and it’s freaking me out a bit. But I still get ID’d for lottery tickets and actually had to show my dental hygienist my driver’s license to prove that I am not, in fact, a 16-year-old high school student. I also experience this age disbelief frequently when travelling, particularly across the United States. When we were in Las Vegas  two  sassy and inebriated cougars  just WOULD NOT BELIEVE that my friend R and I were – at the time – 28 and insisted  we show them our passports. Americans look…older. I think it’s the lack of gun control. That kind of power causes wrinkles.

Looking younger than my age (something I pray continues, because I’m sticking with 23 as my go-to fake age for awhile) has enabled me to delude myself into thinking I’m actually much younger than I am. But that illusion came to a screeching halt late last summer. And it happened the day after I saw the movie Bridesmaids. For those of you who have seen it, you’ll recall that at the end of the movie (SPOILER ALERT) there’s a cameo by 90s super group Wilson Phillips. I was eight years old when ‘Hold On’ took over the radio waves and had top billing on my Walkman. On this particular day last summer, I was in my office power lip synching to every Wilson Phillips music video I could find on youtube when my fetus-like intern walked into my office and ruined my entire life with this sentence: “What is that song? It was in Bridesmaids right? The old ladies sitting in front of me at the theater  knew all the words.”

I swear to god my heart stopped.

Because although I was very young when the song came out, she wasn’t even born. And Wilson Phillips is part of my pop culture history but not hers. SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY WERE – SHE JUST THOUGHT THEY WERE SOME MIDDLE-AGED WEDDING SINGERS WHO LUCKED OUT AND GOT CAST IN A MOVIE. I panic ate a box of donuts that afternoon just trying to process this information.

If you’re wondering what happened to my intern, I had her killed and her ashes mixed into a powerful anti-aging hand cream so that one day my face will be 80 but my hands will be a 21 year old university student that will have never touched a Zack Morris poster.


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