Funny Girls in Tight Jeans

From time to time on this blog I like to post email conversations that took place between my pal M and I when she was still a corporate slave and we were both just trying to get through the summer of 2010 without getting knocked up or inflicting permanent liver damage onto ourselves or spraining an ankle acting out scenes from Dirty Dancing. Here is one of those conversations. And I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes. We really do talk about Rob Lowe this much.


M: Good Morning! How was your evening in air conditioned bliss? Did you go out to play bocce ball? I ended up going to the Blue Jays game. We bought $14 walk ups and ended up sitting close enough for me to see the shame in their eyes. But I still love them. We went by the Horseshoe after for a couple of drinks and then bed. That’s where I’m Sylvester Stallone’s girlfriend. I’m not even joking, I’ve had a few dreams now that I’m dating a young Sylvester Stallone. It’s still pretty new but he treats me well.

Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone

I’ve had the St. Elmo’s Fire song in my head since Friday.

Me: I have St. Elmo’s Fire in my head
C: It’s called something else
Me: It says “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)”
C: Yeah, it’s called “Man In Motion”
 Me: Noooooooo, it’s not
C: People just know it as the other thing
Me: I don’t think that’s it

I listened to the song four times this morning. FOUR TIMES!

J: When I read ‘Good Morning!’ I visualized someone shouting it at me and then I got nauseous and almost puked into my PowerAde (seriously, a miracle hangover cure). Yes, I went to bocce ball. That’s where I went wrong. I don’t know why but this summer I can’t even drink a half liter of red wine on an empty stomach at midnight without feeling like a bag of crap the next day. This guy? REALLY?

Handsome Face - Rob Lowe

St.Elmo’s Fire. REALLY! Rob Lowe was ridiculously stunning. Like, it hurts to look at him sometimes.

Handsome Face - Rob Lowe

But my co-worker just told me her bestie worked on a movie with him and he’s a douche. Troubling. Man in Motion is actually one of my favourite songs. I think about it and the movie on an almost daily basis and it’s interfering with my career. I want to have been born in 1969 so that I would have been a teenager in the 80s. I get emotional thinking about it. I would have looked unbelievable in this outfit:

Fab Outfit

Wait. I totally dressed like this when I was 22. Can I go home and die now?

M: Really.

Handsome EVERYTHING - Rob Lowe

What the heck time did you get in? I was home just after one and I thought that I was bananas for that. That is weird to not be able to mayhem a half litre on an empty stomach and feel bad. Maybe you have a stomach virus? Yes, PowerAde. It has saved me plenty of times so don’t barf in it! Rob Lowe you say? He is pretty dreamy. Christ, if he smiled at me, like, I don’t know how I’d survive. Probably by putting my mouth on his mouth.


I was always partial to this guy:

Andrew McCarthy

Yep. Andrew McCarthy. But not in Pretty in Pink because let’s face it, it’s all about James Spader. Booyah! *wets self*

James Spader

J: Got home around 1 but when I tried to sleep I was too hot and it took me like 8 minutes to tear off my PJs (meow) and then another 10 minutes to get the right placement of my leg hanging over the bed. You know how it is. Clearly, I’m suffering from some medical ailment as yet undiagnosed by modern medicine. Or, I’m just an idiot who really JUST THIS SUMMER figured out that one cannot drink on an empty stomach. To confirm this theory, I called R just now who drank the exact same amount as me and she’s fine. Then again, she’s kind of a professional morning after kind of girl so I wasn’t expecting much sympathy or understanding. I’m feeling better now that I’ve had my Activia yogurt and googled Rob Lowe photos. If I ever ran into Rob Lowe I’d already be flinging my bra off before his brain could even kick in with the survivor instinct to RUN. I’m obsessed with Andrew McCarthy. I watch Mannequin on a weekly basis. Have you seen Less than Zero? Between him and Robert Downey Junior I’m having to lay a towel down on the couch. I like James Spader too but there’s something….’a sex offender lives next door’ about him that I just can’t shake.

M: Wow. I had to wipe away tears after that one. I would die happy forever if I could just see your bra land on Rob Lowe’s face. By the way, thanks for understanding the Stallone thing. I like his hat. I googled “abdominal pain” but all the causes sound gross so clearly you don’t have any of those. I used to drink without eating dinner all the time. That flat stomach I had from all the underage puking was PROOF that it’s okay. I know exactly what you mean about James Spader – he seems like a deviant. And I really like that about him?

J: A fun (but strangely accurate and not x-rated) time waster:

Watching me encounter celebs is actually less funny than it sounds. Ask anyone who watched me meet Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart from Twilight when I was in Vancouver. I shaky spilled a barrel of beer on myself and when Rob (I can call him Rob since we’re pals – in my mind) and I went out for a dart (what my friends from North Bay call a smoke, lovesit!) I lit the wrong end of my cigarette.

Less Than Zero is a cinematic gem. Have you read the book? Mildly infatuated with Bret Easton Ellis. The first time me and C hung out outside of work where we met was to see Bret at a reading at Harbourfront. When we went to get our books signed, C was speechless and awkward. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. That was also the night me and C almost got kicked out of a book reading because we were hysterically – tears rolling down our faces, couldn’t breathe – laughing during the entire reading given by the ‘opening author’ who was tiny, nervous, British, ugly, and dared to begin his reading by saying: ‘Dear Osama.’ I just about died.

M: So according to I’m a wild dog. Looking forward to that career in running. Once, my sister took one of those tests that is supposed to tell you what career you are most suited for (she didn’t, however, find out which animal she has inside of her. Smirk). She could be a) trapeze artist b) crayon factory worker or c) busker. After I finished crying from laughter I told her she had failed a personality test because “who is suited to a career as a homeless person?”

That guy deserved to be laughed at. Excuse me, but “Dear Osama” is a punch line, am I right? That’s a pretty cute first friend date though. Not gonna lie, I’m a bit jealous. The first time C and I hung out by ourselves, I fell asleep on his couch watching infomercials. I was pretty good about meeting famous people when I was a kid. I met Brandon Fraiser (I know!) at a baseball game and was pretty cool about it. After that I just seem to be drunk all the time. The first time I hung out with members of Arcade Fire I was drunk in a gator backstage at Hillside. They got in with me and were like “so where are we going” and I responded “Ohhhohoho! They took my keys away long ago. Would you like some wine?” [offers wine concealed in a modified juicebox]. I’ve actually never read anything by Bret Easton Ellis.

J: Think how sleek you’ll look running in those black skinny jeans. Yee haw. In high school a similar test done on me revealed: comedian, lawyer, journalist, social worker, or professional ping pong player. Just kidding. There was no mention of journalism. You SHOULD be jealous. ‘Dear Osama’ is legendary now. Legendary! C and I are terrible in situations where we are supposed to be serious or respectful. The moment of silence on Remembrance Day at the office just a few short weeks later was almost too much to bear. Encino Man was the first movie I watched on repeat for an entire weekend. I had a pretty severe crush. Brendan Fraser was just so..broad. Now his head scares me.

M: I LOVE Brendan Fraser. Then, Now, Always *google image search*. BFF = Brendan Fraser Forever. I’m trying to navigate the crackers that are on one side of my desk while wearing my head phones which are plugged into the computer on the other side. I’m listening to St Elmo’s Fire  on repeat and literally in crises over whether to make Andrew McCarthy or James Spader my new desktop wallpaper.


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