In light of the *overwhelming popularity of my previous Funny Girls in Tight Jeans post, I have decided to make it a regular feature. Mostly because M and I emailed eachother on an almost daily basis last November during the work day and last November was a real bruiser. Bruiser November = hilarious email chains. You’re welcome.
*My mom called it charming.
November 29, 2010
M: How was your day yesterday? After eating one hundred cupcakes I had the neighbourhood kids roll me down the street to the market for some shopping. Totally stoned on sugar for the rest of the day, I made two different curries and watched videos on youtube about how to do my hair and makeup. As if I will ever do my hair. Or makeup. I called my dad and I guess I sounded disappointed when he wanted to get off the phone because he was like “Oh, was there something else?” And I answered “No.” So he was like “I’m sure that I will talk to you before Friday”. Hahaha. Twice. Saturday was like a half-strength exercise for how much I am going to eat next weekend. Once on TVO I saw a show on snakes and a boa constrictor ate an entire antelope, antlers and everything. Like that.
J: Ugh I did NOTHING. I hate when plans fall through because I spent the day wandering aimlessly around my apartment feeling useless and slightly nauseaus. And then I went to bed at like 9:30. Had I not been down to my last $6, I would’ve finished my Christmas shopping or tried to be somewhat productive. Instead I watched Letters to Juliet and spent those 2 hours focusing on not gouging my eyes out. So bad. Like, Telented Mr. Ripley bad. I forced my dad to talk to me for like an hour. On Skype. I even convinced him to set up an Amazon account so he could buy my Christmas presents online. He made fun of me for 10 minutes for asking for the Hunger Games trilogy which is considered Young Adult fiction. He described the shame he felt when he was led to the children’s section by a pimple faced and judgmental teen working the floor at the St. Catharines area Chapters bookstore. Antlers too? I’m slightly jealous. Though I have a recurring dream in which I eat a yacht.
M: Letters to Juliet you say? I guess it’s good practise for not gouging out your eyes. You never know when you’re going to be faced with a nightmare box or Clive Owen’s wife. Ugh! So many Ripley related shudders. Turns out snakes are not discerning eaters. They’re not fancy like us. Fancy Scags – 1 Snakes – 0. I had a dream last night that I had a bump on my head and when I cut it open inside was citrus fruit. I’m so tired today. I really wish I’d gone to bed at 9:30 instead of treating my gmail like I was a seventeen year old boy in a chat room. I have to have two therapists just so one doesn’t know how crazy I actually am.
J: I think it’s cute that you think you’ve fooled 50% of your therapists.
M: So does my support group.
J: I didn’t realize we were referring to Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as a ‘group’.
M: Ever since three became a crowd. It’s them and that enabling bitch Sara Lee.
J: Don’t even get me started on Häagen-Dazs. Though they made for great prom dates.