Chicago’s Coolest 80-Year-Old?

The other day, K sent me a link to THIS ARTICLE, titled “Chicago’s Coolest 80-Year-Old Reveals Her Beauty and Style Secrets.” Interesting read. Give it a go.

I’ll wait.

La la la. Jeopardy theme song. Crickets, crickets.

Done?

Good, right?

Adorable.

Here was my response:

“Perhaps this article is missing a Page 3? Heading: ‘Money’

1.      Being rich. “I am very wealthy and very wealthy people simply age better. It’s because I sleep in a sleeping mask made with the placenta of Nepalese Sherpa children. Very good for reducing puffiness.” Mamie also eats organic food grown exclusively blind farmers whom she generously houses in her basement cellar/torture room.

2.      Being even MORE rich. “I dry my hands with $1,000,000 bills (Yes! They exist! How kitsch!) and sleep in a cryogenic chamber. I’m actually 325 years old,” laughs Mamie, while slapping her maid in the face because her unibrow was “throwing off the chi of the sitting room.”

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