Bathroom Wars

Nothing gets me fired up like bathroom talk. I work in an office, so bathroom etiquette is a topic that is both near and dear to my heart. It can be dicey out there ladies. I’m here to help you navigate the shit storm (literally).


  • It wouldn’t kill you to toss a quick backwards glance over your shoulder to ensure everything went down. A second flush may be necessary to achieve this.
  • Ladies, I beg of you: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. I read this one in the bathroom of a Niagara Falls-area Red Lobster and it’s stuck with me ever since. Also, every time I pee now I get a hankering for some shrimp and cheese biscuits.
  • Check before you enter a stall. Locks are not fail proof and you don’t want to walk in on another girl mid-tampon insertion. That’s an image you can never wipe clean from your brain. Trust me.


  • Don’t engage in conversation with people while you’re both on the toilet. It creeps people out. I know this because I used to chat to my summer student all the time while on bathroom breaks and she told me it creeped her out. Also, once you’re done, don’t hang around and chitchat at the sinks (see lurker, below).
  • Don’t spray your nasty-ass perfume to try and mask any smells. We’re onto you. No one is fooled into thinking they walked into a fragrant rose garden that you just coincidentally exited. It just ends up smelling like you took a dump in a cheap flower shop that also rents DVDs for 99 cents.
  • Good God don’t talk on your cell/BlackBerry whilst in the bathroom. It’s gross, and I will not hesitate to make a gagging noise if I see you do it. Also, imagine if the phone fell into the toilet. Then you’re a disgustington and you’re kinda fucked too, right?

Some terms to keep in mind:

Lurker: A lurker is the bane of my existence. This is someone who is either a) Obviously in the middle of, or about to take, a dump and then goes completely silent upon you entering the bathroom and proceeds to remain dead silent and wait you out while you do your business – this type of lurker is particularly troublesome if you, too, are trying to poop. I’ve had many a lurking showdown. My success rate is around 40%. Someone once out-lurked me so well I actually clapped upon leaving the bathroom.

Oh, and b) The second type of lurker is the sink lurker. This is the cuntbasket who brings her entire arsenal of makeup/brushes/teeth brushing accoutrements into the bathroom and proceeds to give herself an entire makeover at the sink while you sweat trying to hold back farting noises. Also, I find it hard to pee when I know someone, two feet away, is curling their eyelashes.

Foiler: I’ll set the scene: You walk into the bathroom. All stalls are clean. It’s an anomaly. You can hear angels singing. You shall have a private pee/poop. Then, suddenly, someone walks in and ruins your entire life. The cleaning lady at my office foils me so often I find it amusing. Well, I used to find it amusing. Then someone (cough) called immigration and I haven’t seen her since.

Escapee: You know when you sit down to pee and a fart accidently slips out? That’s an escapee. Super embarrassing but happens to everyone. Laugh silently at yourself and move on.

Courtesy flush: Ladies, if it gets nasty, just a mid-way flush is all it takes to minimize the impact on the rest of the bathroom. Thanks in advance.

Bathroom recon: This is the practice of walking into a bathroom and then only washing your hands because a quick glance around has revealed that you’re dealing with potential lurkers or someone has come in right behind you (a foiler) and you’ll just come back later and hope the coast is clear.

Safe haven: A safe haven is a little used or slightly off the beaten path washroom. It’s your oasis, your home away from home. The place you go after a night of Mexican food and cheap beers, knowing that you shall not be interrupted. Mine is the client washroom behind the reception area at my work. I also have a backup at a nearby hotel. It takes 10 minutes to get there via subway but it’s worth it.

The bathroom walk-of-shame: Self explanatory, n’est pas?


One thought on “Bathroom Wars

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