Life Lessons From My Spiritual Guide: IKEA

Patience is putting your new bed together with Allen wrenches instead of real tools.

Foresight is implementing a swear jar system whilst putting together said bed from IKEA, thus ending up with enough money in said swear jar to buy oneself a pony or a Subway franchise.

Pleasure is delectable IKEA Swedish meatballs with lingonberry sauce, all for less than $5. Lingonberry is the fruit of the future.

Harmony is buying a 200 pack of tea lights for $2.99. Because you can never have enough tea lights. They make everything look less…well…gross.

Discipline is going to IKEA with the intention of buying a lamp and a matching sheet set with pillowcases, and leaving the store 4 hours later having spent $2500 and the realization that you left your child in the ball pit. The discipline part is…wait for it…the knowledge that you can now afford only to eat mac and cheese for the next three months, but that you will be disciplined in your decision to avoid IKEA for at least that long.

Direction is feeling safe in the knowledge that you can’t get lost at IKEA, because they pretty much force your path from the getgo, complete with helpful faux footprints on the ground, should you accidentally get lost in in amongst the light fixtures.

Strength is hoisting your new 200 pound coffee table onto a flatbed. Though it would appear the coffee table only consists of a top and 4 legs, there are in fact 17 boxes involved. Gird your loins.

Salvation is the $1 breakfast sandwiches and all the cinnabuns you can eat, fatty.

Culture is learning Swedish names, as per the names of IKEA furniture. Malm! Hemles Sorum! Solfred!

For a bunch of glue-sniffing Swedish minimalists, you really taught me alot about life.

Thank you IKEA.

God bless.

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