An Open Letter to People Who Can’t Shut Up on Elevators

Little known fact: the world’s most tragically dreadful people instantly become 27% MORE obnoxious when they’re on an elevator. Working in a large office tower in Toronto’s financial district, I spend far too much time on cramped elevators. Thanksgod, most people know to keep their traps shut on the elevator – maybe a few perfunctory comments about the weather or the ‘global economic crisis’ or Britney Spears. I greatly respect this stance, and fully support the minimal chatter on the elevator movement.

Because here’s the deal: no one wants to hear you talk/no one cares about you or your life/just shut the fuck up for 3 minutes until you get to your office please. Save the blahblahblah.

Unfortunately, the quiet elevator movement has been thwarted by the DUT. DUT = Dumb Uptalking Twat. The female  DUT sports a knockoff designer handbag, circa 2001 highlights (?!), a personal blackberry glued to her hand, fake nails,  and a barrel-sized coffee from Tim Hortons.

The scene: Elevator. Last Thursday. 9 a.m. Approximately 25 year old DUT with a voice like a cartoon hyena enters the elevator with an older male (presumably her boss) and an older female (a co-worker). The following exchange occurred (please keep in mind that this occurred on a packed elevator where she was surrounded by 5 strangers, as well as the two unfortunate victims mentioned above.

Older Male (OM): So, I guess with the prices being what they are, you’re stepping up your search to buy a condo?

Young female DUT speaking to OM: {Talking so loudly my hair hurt, and she had penchant for saying everything like it’s a question?} Like oh my god. So all my friends are buying condos? And I’m like, I want a condo! And like, do you want to give me the money for a down payment? Because I have like no money! Did you like win the lottery or something?

Entire elevator suppressing desire to gag the DUT/commit suicide. I, meanwhile, began searching my purse for something to fashion into a makeshift shiv.

OM: Um….

Older female (OF): {Trying to break the awkward silence created by unbelievably rude BOB with volume issues} So, any plans for the weekend?

DUT: Like oh my god, like my best friend is getting married? And she’s such a bridezilla and I’m like so whatever, like so over it, you know?

And then god smiled down upon me and the elevator door opened and the DUT walked off. And not even joking the entire elevator audibly sighed with relief, and put away our crudely made shivs.

The point? When you’re on an elevator, just shut up. No one wants to hear it. Your life isn’t interesting. Not even a little. To quote someone I don’t know who may or may not have been a contestant on America’s Next Top Model: “Keep it cute or put it on mute”.

Scratch that: “Just put it on mute”.

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