Alternate Career Suggestions for Scarlett Johansson

I know this post will make me unpopular with people who have a penis, but I’m willing to take on the wrath. Mostly because I’ve been working out like a maniac (wailing on my pecs, murdering my quads, etc.) and I can take even most men down in 2 hits: me hitting them, them hitting the floor. And to be clear upfront, I think Scarlett is absolutely stunning, and seems like she’d be a cool girl to hang with – she also looks like she’d be into shooting whiskey, making out with random boys in bar bathrooms, and partaking in the occasional poutine binge. My kind of girl, obvi.

Anyhoo, I consider it my contribution to society (along with my sparkling wit and casual views on public nudity) to state the most obvious thing, like, ever:

Scarlett Johansson cannot act.

Again, I don’t have a penis, so I’m able to focus more on her complete and utter lack of acting ability or talent of any kind. Quick! What colour are her eyes? You don’t know because you’ve never looked above her neck.

I’m only half joking when I say I’d rather perform an appendectomy on myself then watch her in another movie. That said, she was pretty good in that movie where she wore a tight low-cut v-neck t-shirt and did a lot of pouting…what was that one called…oh right…EVERY MOVIE SHE’S EVER BEEN IN.

This dick bandit (her ex boyfriends include greasy but cute Josh Hartnett, creepy but hot Jared Leto, and steroid-infused Derek Jeter) recently split from Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds. I couldn’t pick Ryan Reynolds out of a lineup. Unless it was a lineup of shirtless men. No clue what colour his eyes are.

And now, some alternate career suggestions for Scarlett Johansson:

  • Receptionist at a sperm donor clinic (she’d…umm…speed up the process, I would think. At least the clinic would save some money, as they’d need to purchase fewer magazines and videos for the deposit rooms. We’re in a recession people!)
  • College dorm super slut and overall vagina of destruction.
  • Nude model. Specialty: mini faux-fur cowboy hats and mechanical bulls.
  • Cardboard cutout model for WonderBra.
  • Cage cleaner at a second-rate zoo.
  • Terrorist negotiator in Afghanistan. Use those boobs for good, SJ.
  • Sample lady at Costco. Specializing in the fried meats and the various sauces and accoutrements that one can purchase to accompany their fried meats.
  • Heroin mule.
  • Nude grave digger.

In closing, props to Scarlett for cramming in as many movie roles as she can before her spectacular/awe-inspiring boobage starts to sag. She clearly has the world’s smartest management team (that is, next to Lauren Conrad’s management team, who have managed to fool an entire nation into thinking Lauren Conrad ISN’T, in fact, a very VERY boring robot).


4 thoughts on “Alternate Career Suggestions for Scarlett Johansson

  1. So it’s been over a year since this was posted, so let me ask, this: Is women being assholes at other women still a thing that happens? Because, if so, I’ll let the patriarchy know we’re still safe.

    Also, in Re: Time: Have you seen either Iron Man 2, or The Avengers? Because… Well, there’s a scene, in that latter one, there. This lady sums it up nicely:


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