For once, I Wasn’t Ignoring You (I swear)

I’ve been so bad with posting these last few (or seven) months. But I have so many excuses. So many!
I took a little hiatus from blogging (and combing my hair – but that’s neither here nor there) but I filled that hiatus with a shit ton of awesomeness.

Want proof? In no particular order I:

  • Celebrated my heterosexual life partner M’s engagement, and kept the secret of her pending engagement for months. Side note: I almost started to hate her now-fiancé for telling me so far in advance. Secrets hurt my hair.
  • Went to Vegas with M, her sister K and R to celebrate M and K’s birthdays. Yabitch, we went to Vegas. SO FUN! I never thought I could enjoy day drinking this much (right?!). The weather was beautiful. Our hotel – The MGM Grand – was gorgeous (Pools! Restaurants! Cheesy clubs with $20 drinks..if you’re a dude or ugly! Old men to sidle up to and ask to blow on their dice!). But my favourite part? There are no laws in Vegas! You can drink and smoke EVERYWHERE (including when trying on shoes and out on the street trying to dodge a pedophile in an M&Ms costume). The only downside was that upon returning home I found myself at a loss of what to do with my right hand because it was no longer wrapped around a 4 foot tall plastic tube of margarita from 11 a.m. onwards. Suspicious.
  • Baked a lot of birthday cupcakes. Too many people I know were born between October and December. Fix that.
  • Perfected my side-eye technique.
  • Started watching the new series of Dr. Who with the amazingly talented Matt Smith and the equally adorable Karen Gillan.
  • Went to therapy to discuss why I started watching the new series of Dr. Who.
  • Drank about 349 litres of bad wine, 4 bottles of really good wine, and a bottle of Grey Goose smuggled back from Vegas.
  • Became obsessed with Costco. True story. People actually have to interrupt me now with phrases such as “Wow, you REALLY like Costo” or “I’ve never known ANYONE who knows this much about Costco/talks this much about Costco/knows so much about the shipping and receiving practices at Costs without having actually ever worked at Costco.”
  • Discovered (rather painfully and publicly) that I rather suck at the board game Settlers of Catan. Devastated.
  • Increased my B12 consumption to twice per day. Jealous?
  • Smoked too many cigarettes. I had thought of quitting. But no one likes a quitter.
  • Had a bunch of sweaty amazing kitchen dance parties in R’s kitchen with R and MB.
  • Re-watched seasons 1 through 5 of Gilmore Girls. The best!
  • Watched St. Elmo’s Fire with R and MB (scags!) about 9 times and, consequently, am now a little bit pregnant with 1985 Rob Lowe’s baby.
  • Made a lot of abortion jokes (sorry, God).
  • Re-embraced my fave term: cuntbasket. But now I say it with a French accent.
  • Got braces after having a good think on it for about 7 years.
  • Got a little obsessed with speaking in a Bronx accent but nipped that one in the cervix after about two weeks.
  • Bought the new Taylor Swift CD ‘Speak Now’ (no haters!) and didn’t love it as much as the last one. Sad face.
  • Stopped pretending I was listening to Bob Dylan on my iPod whenever I bumped into a friend in public. Started admitting that by ‘Bob Dylan’ I meant Taylor Swift.
  • Started referring to my female friends as ‘Sister Wives.’
  • Spent way too much time during work one day composing an email to MB in which I described – in pictures – what would be left behind if her and I were to spontaneously combust. The list: leather jacket, high-top Converse shoes, cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, a St. Elmo’s Fire DVD, a prescription for Plan B, and a pack of Belmont cigarettes.
  • Dressed up as the ladies from St. Elmo’s Fire for Halloween with MB as Demi Moore and R as Ally Sheedy. I dressed up as the frumpy blonde one who’s name I frankly don’t have the energy to look up. We killed it. No one knew who we were. But trust me – we killed it.
  • Watched a Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathon and got far too involved in their lives. I started referring to them in casual conversation and now I think my co-workers may have the impression that I’m actually friends with them. Which I so am. Wink.
  • Got kicked in the vag by accident on the subway and screamed “SWEET VALLEY HIGH!”
  • Got ‘updutched.’ Meaning, I met another Dutch person but he was so much more Dutch than me that I just threw a clog at him and ran away.
  • Spent a lot of time in the suburbs hanging out with R’s amazing family: her parents, sister, brother-in-law, gorgeous nephews and niece. Drank a lot of boxed wine and ate a lot of mozzarella sticks.
  • Bought a kicky new dress for work that I couldn’t fit into three days later (thanks, mozzarella sticks).
  • Ate a lot of Pizza Hut pizza (sorry hips!). Big ups to R’s roommate who, upon finding us scags in a sweaty Pizza hut-induced coma, asked if he needed to take us for a walk. Sweet.
  • Used the sentence: “I wouldn’t even wear that to run to the corner store for hot pockets.”
  • Saw the movie ‘Little Fockers’ with my folks, and afterwards looked at my mom and said “I can’t believe I put on pants for this.”
  • Used my good boob (the right one) to get a free muffin.
  • Got into the habit of making out with strangers on the subway who are reading travel guides of places I like or want to visit.
  • Was 100% sure I got roofied at a local bar but it turned out I just forgot about the 3 Caesers I pre-drank earlier in the night.
  • Ordered the following at Starbucks: “I need a latte. With an extra shot of get your shit together.”

Ta da.

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