Please Excuse Me While My Vagina Does a Back Flip

Looks like after nearly three years together, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have broken up. According to an “insider,” my little Jakey-poo is heartbroken. Hey Jake, you know what will be broken soon? My headboard, when you ditch LA and come hang out in my basement apartment, baby.
  
On a related note, if I were famous and stories like this were written about me, we all know my “insider” would be an employee of McDonalds, right?
  
  

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