A Jessica Simpson Post

As I was watching Jessica Simpson sleep the other night, I couldn’t help but think that her life has become kind of a joke. She’s like a younger, dumber Jennifer Aniston without the appetite suppressants. I remember loving Newlyweds. Mostly because I couldn’t picture anyone else wanting to date (not to mention freaking MARRY) either Jessica Simpson or Nick Lachey, so it seemed like a perfect match. Since they divorced, Nick dated that freakie doll-looking chick Vanessa Manillo. I can’t be bothered to look her up so I may have spelled her name wrong. I think they just broke up. Maybe he got tired of sleeping with someone who looks like they still compete in children’s beauty pageants.
Jessica, after dating/being peed on by John Mayer for two rounds of weirdo dating, hooked up with NFL football player Tony Romo. He recently dumped her (for the second time -ouchies) the day before her birthday. So expect a massive weight gain, followed by more Pro-Active zit cream commercials and maybe another budget shoe line. For her sake, I hope the paparazzi respect her privacy and let her eat her body weight in Mexican alone and in peace. Hey, I’d have a touch of the sads too if I was just dumped for the billionth time and my uglier, less talented sister Ashlee was just cast in the new Melrose Place and had a cute husband (Pete Wentz) and a cute baby (it seemed genetically impossible but little Bronx dodged the bad nose big chin DNA).
Oh, and Jessica, if you’re reading this I would totally be your friend, if you want. I give good advice, I’m a great hair braider and I’m already intimately familiar with the contents of your underwear drawer (you know, given my stalking and all). So call me.



One thought on “A Jessica Simpson Post

  1. ang here..somewhere in here it should be noted that we all dont always share the same opinions. in fact, hardly ever 😉 I love J.Simp. love love love. always have (skipped a grade twelve presentation worth 40% of my mark to see her..yeah i did..and passed the class with flying colours, too!) and always will.
    love love love.
    now please reunited with J.Mayer, J.Simp. cause i love him too.


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