Dear Heidi Montag-Pratt?,
Hope all is well. Wanted to write and kindly suggest that perhaps all of the blonde hair dye/silicone/botox you’ve been using to go from a pretty, natural-looking girl from Colorado into fake-boobs-bleached-barbie-hair-nose-job-freakshow has messed with your head somewhat. You did after all willingly enter into a (possible fake) marriage with Captain Douchebag Spencer Pratt. Shudder. Anyways, I’ve caught wind of your Twitter page, and um, you mention my name. Like a lot. Please stop talking about me like we be homies.
Thanks in advane,