Imaginary Person: So Blair, what did you do today?
Me: Oh you know, nothing major. I’m on vacation so I slept in. Got up, made a tea, had a colonic….
Imaginary Person: Are you pulling my dick? A colonic! For realsies?
Me: For realsies, my imaginary friend. For realsies.
So as you can ascertain from the exchange above, today I participated in a little colon hydrotherapy (also known as a colonic). And here begins the over-share of the century.
So for those of you who don’t know what a colonic is, it’s basically “the practice of using water to flush waste from the colon”. That’s the polite way of saying “we gonna stick a tube up your ass and clean out the old poop.” A more scientific description is as follows:
The mechanics of colonics involve a large container filled with filtered water which flows into a tube. This tube is attached to a disposable hard plastic instrument called a proctoscope. Once the proctoscope is gently inserted into the rectum, a second tube is attached which carries waste matter and water out of the body and directly into the septic system. Water entering the body travels through the colon and exits into the waste tube in a continuous flow. In this way, water is able to travel the entire length of the colon (approximately 5 to 5 1/2 feet), reaching all the way to the cecum, the farthermost region of the colon where waste matter and parasites typically settle. A membranous flap called the ileocecal valve separates the colon from the small intestine, preventing water from flowing beyond the colon. There is no mess and no odour as the water and waste are completely contained.
I was a teensy bit nervous going into the whole thing, because I have ass issues, and particularly issues surrounding people/clowns shoving tubes into it. But I’ve been thinking of getting a colonic for over a year now. I’ve done shitloads (ha) of research and talked to quite a few people who have had them done and I decided to go for it.
Upon walking into the centre, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire that asked about my health history, any digestive issues I had, and requested that I describe my typical bowel movements. You should know that I love talking about poop. I have to admit – I may talk a big game, but I was totes embarrassed talking about it with a complete stranger. I was lead to the colonic room where me and the colonic therapist had a lovely chat about the process, my general health, how the colon works, etc. She told me to strip down below the waste while she left the room. She also pointed to the toilet in the room and said I should try and ‘relieve’ myself if possible. Um, no. I peed a little, and that seemed to please her. So she re-entered the room when I was ready and then began the elegant and not at all embarrassing process (ha!) of sticking the tube into my ass. It didn’t hurt, it was just uncomfortable. I tend to poop when I’m uncomfortable. Vicious circle.
So basically, water (alternating between warm and cool) goes into the colon while the colonic therapist describe what’s happening and manages the tubes. She made me feel totally comfortable, gave me a heating pad to keep my tummy warm, and helped me stay calm and relaxed. The slap on the ass to get things going was a little unexpected, though.
In all seriousness, it really wasn’t painful. It was hard to relax, but it didn’t hurt. Water goes in, she squeezes a tube, and stuff comes out. And you get to watch the stuff come our because there’s mirrors above the bed you’re laying on. Sexy, non? The only uncomfortable bits were when she pinched off the water tube in order to keep the water circulating in the colon. She alternated between quick holds and longer holds, so the longer holds started to make me feel like I was going to pop the tube out. But that didn’t happen. She stopped to massage my abdomen a few times to keep things going. We chitchatted about the weather and stuff. It was pretty pleasant all in all.
So, um. How do I go into this next part….
Sweet fancy moses, Stuff. Came. Out. Like, way more than I thought. At first it was just water but about 10 minutes into it, teeny pieces of other stuff started to come out. And later on there were some bigger pieces. The therapist was very excited about this! (Overly excited?) When I noticed the tube was pulsing (for serious) she said that it was a good sign of a healthy colon, because my colon was pushing the water right back out, causing the tube to spasm slightly. Gross/fascinating.
After about 30 minutes the process was over. She left the room, I used the toilet and that was it. I was then given a big probiotic pill to swallow. Which I didn’t. I have a pill swallowing problem so I came home, busted the pill open and drank it in a margarita.
I mixed it into brownie batter and ate that instead. Hee.
So would I do it again? Yes.
Would I recommend it to my friends? Totally.
Was it pricey? Nope. About $75. There’s the option to buy packages of sessions which end up being about a 30% discount off the one-time price.
Will I be haunted by images of my old poop draining in a tube before my eyes? Oh most definitely.
I left with a feeling of lightness and well being. Then I went to Pizza Pizza and got 2 slices of pepperoni pizza. True story.