A few years ago my mother’s curtains were stolen from my parents home in broad daylight. There were no witnesses, and we couldn’t fathom what anyone would want with some old ugly-ass curtains. So imagine my surprise when, during my seasonal stalking of soap opera actresses, I solved the case. This bitch stole my mom’s curtains and a mere 5 years later had the nerve to wear them as a skirt to the Valkyrie premiere. You’re in for a world of hurt Michelle Stafford. A world of hurt. I’m going to go both YOUNG and RESTLESS on your thieving ass. Sleep with one eye open you klepto ginger whore. ONE. EYE. OPEN.