Movie Review: Twilight

Amazing. Spectacular. Oscar-worthy. Brilliant.
 

None of these words will ever be used to describe the shiteous mess that is Twilight.

Jesus H. Macy and William H. Christ this was one terrible movie. And I wanted it to be good. I wanted it more the Lindsay Lohan wants to actually be attracted to chicks. How did I miss reading any review that mentioned that Twilight is unintentionally the comedy smash hit of the season?

Evidently my rage blackouts have escalated to the point where I no longer have any sense of what’s going on in the world.
GAH! So bad.

Within the first 15 minutes we were laughing so hard, I forget I was watching a movie that is supposed to be serious and heart-wrenching. It was excruciating and embarrassing. Angela laughed so much she started crying and (thankfully) suffered from temporary blindness due to the tears. At first I felt guilty, thinking my snickering-turned giggling-turned all out goose honking laugh was bothering fellow audience members. But as it turned out, the rest of the audience was not blind/deaf/headless, and by the end the whole lot of us were like a family united in laughing at the crap on toast that Twilight delivered. We bonded.
I kept waiting for it to, like, you know, get good. But it didn’t. Even the low-key scenes were excruciating and seriously I may have cracked a rib from the laughing.

On a positive note, Robert Pattinson (as Edward Cullen – teenage vampire extraordinaire) and Kristen Stewart (as Bella Swan – average teen in love with a sexy vampire whose accent changed 3 separate time during the film) do the best they can with the material they were given. They are both huge talents, and I don’t think their careers will suffer much as a result of this movie. Side note: kudos to the marketing GENIUSES at Summit who made the trailer for this movie look phenom, given that the production values are in fact more along the line with something one’s drunk and pervy uncle videotaped at a wedding.

And here I would like to take a minute to describe the WORST scene in the history of film (and I’ve seen the Spice Girls movie as well as The Talented Mr. Ripley, yet believe me when I say that Twilight was the worst). So in the books, vampires can go out in sunlight (doesn’t fry them to a crisp or anything) but the effect is..radiant. Sparkly. The scene in the movie where Edward reveals his sparkle to Bella is a PSA for adult diapers. KILLED MYSELF. The entire theatre was roaring with laughter. So bad. So, so bad. He looks like he was sparkling himself up for a gay pride parade.

And now, to the makeup. Dear Twilight executives: FIRE YOUR MAKEUP ARTIST. Jesus. Terrible. And what’s with casting a bunch of naturally dark-haired people and then bleaching their hair blonde? Nikki Reed (from Thirteen) plays vampire Rosaline, who is described in the book as very blonde. Nikki Reed, however, is a Latina fantastica. The overall effect is more mental patient than vampire beauty. In the books, the Cullen vampire clan are described as being shockingly attractive.

Obviously, the casting execs skimmed over this part of the book. Because other than Nikki Reed the rest of the teen camps are disgustingtons.

There’s a scene in the movie where Edward plays Bella the lullaby he’s written for her. Mmm…cute boy playing piano. So I thought, pretty hard scene to fuck up right? Wrong. What is described in the book as a powerful and emotional private moment where Edward reveals his love via song instead looks like a cheesy Meatloaf-inspired 80s music video complete with a smoke machine and spinny camera work. Overall, the special effects in this film were seemingly orchestrated by a 49 year old meth addict named Roy who has a severe hand twitch and a pretty serious spiderman obsession.

And now to (my boyfriend) Robert Pattinson. Robert is so beautiful it’s almost painful. Like gorgeous. And that hair! That hair should win an Oscar. He also looks amazing in clothes. In our post-movie debrief (at a bar, natch) Angela was preoccupied with trying to determine how this movie cost so much to make, given the stanky production values and budget cast. Well, it would appear the money went into Rob’s ‘Edward’ wardrobe. This boy wears the hell out of a pair of jeans. And in a cotton t-shirt? I creamed. So hot, despite spending half the movie looking like he’s been shot in the foot, is in severe pain, and is simply trying to walk it off. My favourite Edward scene is the one that takes place when Edward and Bella go public with their relationship during a sexy strut from the parking lot to the Forks High School doors (Go Spartans!). Yummers. Kristen Stewart is beautiful. Perfect for the role. Gorgeous without being intimidating. Kinda girl next door and tomboyish which works really well for Bella. Her skin is perfection. I officially have a new girl crush (step aside, Rachel McAdams).

Another great scene is the climax (ha) of the movie – the first Bella/Edward kiss. Oh it’s good. It made the rest of the movie bearable. 14 year old girls across the country will be losing their virginity en masse after watching that scene. Best.Kiss.Ever.

I wish I had nicer things to say about the supporting case, but I don’t. The Emmett character is apparently unable to be in a car without sticking his head out the window like some sort of dog. And the sideways baseball caps and ghetto white boy wardrobe is brutal. Jasper looks like he’s shitting himself in every scene. Props to the writer on only giving him two lines.

The character of James (badass vampire with a ponytail who’s big into human hunting) is played by Cam Gigandet. He does a decent job. Maybe a little overkill on the head cocking and deep inhaling whenever he gets close to Bella. I should take this moment to say that if you haven’t read the book you would have NO FUCKING CLUE what was happening in the movie. I read the book and I had NO FUCKING CLUE was was happening in the movie.

About ¾ of the way through the mental lobotomy, I turned to Angela and whispered (ok shouted): “They knew it was bad. When they were making it. They knew, right? How could they not know. They must have known.” Then I spent the rest of the movie trying to catch a glimpse into the eyes of the actors to see if there was any indication that behind their perfectly coiffed hair and black eyeliner-rimmed eyes they were silently screaming for help and also for forgiveness.

Mercifully, after 2 painful hours it ended. And even the ending was sucky and cheesy. And the way things are left, it wouldn’t make sense unless there was a sequel. So there’s going to be a sequel. Shudder.

And now if you’ll excuse me, ever since Edward said to Bella that she was his exact brand of heroin, I’ve had a real hankering for the stuff. Off to self-medicate!

 

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