Dear Jessica Alba,
I am so, so sorry. I can’t apologize enough. You see, all these years I thought you were just a talentless skank, getting by in Hollywood based on your body alone. Plus, I had always heard that you were kind of a major bitch. I really didn’t understand how you kept getting hired to make movies. Bullet point: I didn’t take you very seriously – lumped you in with the Heather Graham’s and Jessica Biel’s of Hollywood.
But it appears I was wrong.
Because clearly, you’re a serious actress Jessica Alba. And how do I know this? Because of your new bangs. Lesson learned, Alba, lesson learned. If a girl wants to get ahead in Hollywood – be taken seriously for the immense talent that she so obviously possesses – she musn’t waste her time with acting classes. Get bangs!