Dear Employees of Scotiabank Theatre (Cineplex Odeon),
I would like to apologize for my behaviour on November 21st, 2008. Or, as the official court documents refer to it, ‘The Jenn incident on opening night of Twilight.’
Please accept my most sincere apologies for any trauma I may have caused, both temporary and long-term. An additional apology for property damage in excess of $86. You are a lovely and hard-working group of highly-valued employees, popping that popcorn just so and keeping the bathrooms just a shade under disgusting, and I’m sorry if I treated you in a disrespectful manner that undermined your position and/or authority.
Under no circumstances was it appropriate for me to head-but, scratch, or spit at you when you refused to allow me to bring in my life-sized cutouts of Edward and Bella into the highly-anticipated Twilight movie, based on the book of the same name. Well, to be precise, you did not refuse entry to my cutouts, but rather insisted I pay for 2 additional seats and, well frankly, I’m broke as a joke. I further wish to make amends for my insistence, despite protests from both management and my fellow movie-goers, on acting out each scene, with props, in the theatre aisle. I now see the error of my ways.
It has come to my attention that one of your employees, Michelle Anderson, I believe, remains under medical care for ear damage, as a result of my excited exclamations whilst waiting in line, which were reminiscent to sounds made by the mating screeching howler monkeys of the Amazon. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, and I’ve knitted you some protective earmuffs (enclosed).
To explain, I’m a big fan of the book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, the first in a series of four books that follow the love story of Bella Swan (average yet slightly pathetic high school student) and her paramour Edward Cullen (jesusly hot vampire with supercool hair who has a thing for average yet slightly pathetic high school students). [Side note: if a series of 3 is a trilogy, what the hell is 4? A fourlogy?] To see Twilight brought to life on the big screen was just a bit more than I was emotionally prepared for, according to the psychiatrist who treated me ‘on the scene’. Look at me, using cop talk! I’ve yet to read the remaining 3 books in the saga, and am slightly hesitant to do so, as I’ve heard from highly reliable sources (laineygossip.com) that each book gets a little more annoying, though unfailingly addictive. Perhaps it is best for you all, and your fine movie-viewing establishment, if the remaining books are not turned into movies. If that is the case, however, my screams of torment will haunt your dreams for the rest of your lives.
P.S. Link to Twilight trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1GbukZnl1Y