Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw

Dude, I love quoting ‘Heathers’.

Buckle up bitches – cuz Mercury is in Retrograde again. Started this morning. Ends on the 15th of October. So for you math lovers out there, that’s 22 days of mind fuckery and general malaise. When I text(ed?) the TBS gals about it this morning, replies varied from “fuck” to….well… “FUCK!”

To clarify, I’m not a hippie and I’m not super into signs and planets and stuff like that. But this Mercury in Retrograde stuff can’t be ignored! If you try and ignore it, you anger it, and it comes after you harder.

The first time I heard about MIR (from TBS girl M’s former boss – who was a total nutter) I dismissed it as voodoo freaky crap…until I looked into it a bit more and realized it was majorly effing with my life roughly 3 times a year. And frankly that’s more effing with my life than I care for.

So what is MIR? Basically, a planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. So it doesn’t ACTUALLY move backwards. It’s just clever enough to APPEAR to be moving backwards. Genius. As a rule, retrograde planets indicate a period of seemingly inevitable or fated events, and present peeps with a series of events over which we seem to have little or no control, relating especially to the sign in which the retrograde occurs.

How does MIR fuck with your life? In many, many delightful ways you can’t even begin to imagine. In broad stokes, however, it messes with:

  • Communication of ANY kind (phone, fax, email, text, mail)
  • Travel
  • Appointments
  • Relationships
  • Finances

In general, Mercury snarls up thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information. By extension, MIR tinkers with the noggins of people who work in the travel, communication and finance industries. So glad I work in communications. Ha. Tears. There’s more. MIR also leads to an abundance of personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, as well as glitches and breakdowns with phones, Blackberry’s, computers, cars, buses, and trains. Cheers!

To state the obvi, it’s not wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is very likely that these decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!

You may also want to be extra careful when you talk, send emails, or breathe in general. Just stay home. Lock the doors. Enjoy this newly found free time to deep condition your hair and learn how to give yourself a bikini wax.

MIR affects people differently, depending on where it hits their personal charts. Some people actually prosper under a retro Mercury! Though I have yet to meet one of these people, and am pretty sure this rule only applies to Smurf’s and the cast of Sesame Street. The real fucked up part (for me) is that I’m a Gemini and Gemini is apparently ruled by Mercury, which means during MIR I’m pretty much fucked, doesn’t matter what sign MIR falls under. All bad, all the time. I once read that people born smack in the middle of Gemini season are the most effected. P.S. I’m born smack in the middle of Gemini season. I once mentioned this to a person who’s really really into astrology and MIR and, no joke, she took my hand and whispered ‘poor, poor, thing’  – then quickly scampered away like she was scared some of my bad luck would rub off on her. MIR affected me so badly a few years back when I was at my first PR/Marketing job, that my boss instituted a no-calling policy and she had to proofread all my emails before I hit send. True story. She also worked for M’s one-time boss and knew the drill.

This time around, Mercury is in retrograde in Libra. MIR in Libra can disturb the mental balance, making us more than usually indecisive. Joy! Virtue and morality will be under pressure from both sides, combining jealousy and possessiveness with the agonies of doubt and indecision! Sounds amazing. This period brings travel snafus and missed appointments of all kinds. Documents can go astray. Be sure to carry an agenda/post-it/diary and refer to it often.

Take a deep breath, and let the shit storm begin.



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