Living La Vida Lesbian? defines a “Fake Lesbian” as:


When a girl pretends to be a lesbian and therefore turns on a member of the opposite sex. By doing this making the male erect and refusing to stimulate him to ejaculation. Also causing blue ball. Example: Emily pretended to pull Jo and enjoy it giving me a hard on. She is a fake lesbian.


True story.


Seems it’s kinda trendy these days to be a temporary lesbian. Whether for a night, a week, an episode arc during sweeps, or for one reality dating show.


On TV we had that whole Marissa/hot blonde chick on the O.C. It passed in 4 episodes or so, and the blonde lesbian is now a doctor on House. And just prior to that, witchy Willow went super gay for boring, poorly-cast Tara on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was a step down from the werewolf she dated previously. Samantha briefly went over to vag town on Sex and the City. Just last week, luscious Latina Dr. Torres went gay for Dr. Hahn on Grey’s Anatomy.


If you’re really, truly, a lesbian, good for you. So how annoyed must you be that every 18 year-old twat with a facebook page posts pics of her making out with her female roommate every other week? While her status clearly demonstrates that she is in a relationship…with a boy.


It also seems that the only girl-on-girl action men get excited about is the fake kind. I, for one, have never seen a guy get aroused at an Indigo Girls concert or by Ellen DeGeneres’ dance moves. And for the casual lesbian considering going full-time, keep this in mind: If you think that dating a fellow woman is any easier, or that women are less likely to fuck you over or break your heart – Jodie Foster CHEATED on her lesbian lover of 13 years. Slut.


I have an ‘if I were gay list’ that probably won’t surprise anyone. Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore, that dancer Edyta on Dancing with the Stars (her little outfits and leg warmers…oh my). Just a few weeks ago I heard the term ‘lipstick lesbian’ for the first time. According to Wikipedia, lipstick lesbian is:


A slang term used to describe gay (lesbian) and bisexual women who exhibit feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up (thus, lipstick), wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women. In mainstream American films, lesbians are often portrayed according to the lipstick lesbian stereotype to be both politically safer and more sexually attractive to male viewers. A good example is Showtime’s television series The L Word, which presents most of its major lesbian characters in this way.Most lesbians in mainstream pornography are also portrayed in this way.



And now I think it’s only appropriate to discuss the biggest faker of them all: Tila Tequila. Midget, anime character and fake lesbian extraordinaire. Turning her MySpace sluttery into way more than 15 minutes of fame on her reality hit series: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. The premise? Tila pits straight men and lesbian chicks against each other in an effort to win her love. Tila, you see, is bisexual. “Bisexual” being code for “Attention-seeking fake lesbian”. She picked a man the first time around. But then she wanted more money and decided to do a second…I mean…they broke up. This second go around, it’s pretty clear she’s gonna have to pick a chick. So when they ‘break up’ I’m guessing season 3 she’ll pick a horse. Because what’s left?


Remember Russian ‘sensations’ TATU. They had that one good song and they kissed and they were like 15 and it was scandalous? And then on some MTV music awards show they had a bunch of girls kissing onstage during their performance? One’s married with a kid now. The charade is over ladies.


Four-time mother Sinead O’Connor declared herself a lesbian in a 2000 interview. She has since revised her position, claiming to be “three-quarters heterosexual, a quarter gay.”


Remember Anne Heche? Crazy bitch.
Straight, then gay (with the above-mentioned DeGeneres), then got married to a dude and they had a kid and then she cheated on him with another guy. What crazy think will she do next? French kiss her brother on national television? Oops…that was Angelina Jolie.


Can we take a moment to give thanks to the lesbians of the music world? We thank you for bringing Lilith Fair and wearable women’s flannel to the masses. I always thought Alanis Morissette was gay. Then she wrote that song about going down on some guy at the movies. Really cleared things up for me.


And now this parting nugget of lesbian history: Lesbos was the home of the poet Sappho, who expressed her love of other women in lyric verses written in the early sixth century BC.




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