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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode four of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 23, 2017).
Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about his actions with Bouncy Castle Straddler™ Corinne. “It was enough to question if you’re looking for a wife,” Vanessa tells our Bachelor, of witnessing his behaviour with the mansion’s early villain during the pool party. To his credit, Nick tells Vanessa he cares about what she thinks, but implores her to “try and be a little more patient.” Corinne, meanwhile, is all about the naps these days and keeps retreating to her room to hide. Taylor and Sarah try and talk some sense into her. Corinne responds that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and insists that in this situation she’s “not privileged.” For the first time, Corinne is going into a rose ceremony without a rose. Oh calamity!
Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it’s time for another rose ceremony, and in his pep talk with Nick he asks him about Corinne “rubbing the girls the wrong way.” The problem is more that she rubs Nick’s junk in bouncy castles. When all is said and done, the final rose of the night goes to Corinne (duh), resulting in a “shocked” Christen and “single for so long” Brittany being sent home. Corinne decides this is the time to make a little speech/pep talk to the remaining women that no one even pretends to listen to because they’re all sick of her “mean girl vibe.” Shit’s about to get – wait for it – dramatic.
The women are instructed by Chris to pack their bags for a #journey. First stop: Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SO EXOTIC YOU GUYS! The ladies panic pack and charge out of the mansion with the speed and determination I reserve for office birthday cake announcements.
Nick joins his parents in Milwaukee and they talk about love and connecting and hope. “My hope is that there’s one relationship that will outshine the rest,” Nick announces. His dad responds “we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Ha.
The first one-on-one date of the week goes to a very giggly Danielle L. Nick admits that he had instant physical chemistry with Danielle, but they haven’t really had a chance to chat much so he brings her on a walk around his town. They pop into a bakery and look at ‘Nick-er-doodle’ cookies (don’t ask) and then they ‘run into’ one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. The ex, Amber (of course), gives some lame perspective on why Nick is still single in order to prove they are still on good terms. The whole thing is so staged and fake that even I have trouble paying attention and I once lost an entire weekend to a Kardashian marathon. Willingly. Nick and Danielle cop a squat in the park, and he confesses to once making a girl locker shelves in high school to get a kiss. Collectively: awwwwww.
Over cocktails that evening, Nick comments that Danielle is very put together and he’s curious as to whether she’s ever grocery shopped in sweatpants or had an embarrassing moment. The answer to both is yes. I would’ve killed that answer! Most of my embarrassing moments happen while I’m wearing sweatpants at the grocery store. Usually in the frozen foods aisle for some reason or near the samples booth. Danielle reminisces about her parents (pre-divorce) and comments that their split was hard for her because they were so affectionate and cute and the divorce came as a surprise. Nick gives her the date rose. I enjoy Danielle but the date lacked substance and she spent most of it laughing and giving one-word responses. I have to hope that her nerves got to her because she seems super awesome.
Meanwhile, a group date card arrives and the only name not called – and therefore the woman going on the next one-on-one date with Nick – is Raven. Not Corinne.
Back on their date, a concert by some bro-handsome country singer whose name I can’t be assed to google is tonight’s date ‘surprise.’ Nick and Danielle slow dance and kiss in front of a concert full of strangers. “We made a connection that is hard to explain,” our Bachelor gushes.
The next day’s group date is all ‘fun-on-the-farm’ themed and (most of) the women momentarily forget the fact that everything smells like poop when they find Nick bottle-feeding milk to baby cows. Corinne, however, is far from wooed. The head farmer/cow barista shows the women how to feed the cows and shovel poop. Corinne is not a fan of farm chores, and because she’s basically a saint she says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel “shovel poopie”. Oh, had you forgotten Corinne has a nanny? She bails and complains about needing sushi while the other women make clever poop puns about her behaviour.
During the evening portion of the group date, Nick and Kristina connect while Corinne complains that she’s simply misunderstood. Vanessa presents Nick with a book that her students made for him, and it’s cuter than a box of puppies. Corinne addresses the other women in a ‘we’re all in this together’ way and Sarah is weirdly angry about Corinne taking a nap during last week’s rose ceremony. “Abraham Lincoln took naps!” Corinne proclaims. I have to say, watching Corinne imitate the uproar over her nap is kind of hilarious. More this Corinne, less straddler/sex predator, please. There’s also some talk about her maturity and Nick being older. Um, these girls are all like 24 so let’s just breeze past that one. Kristina approaches Corinne kindly and with concern about her ability to handle the reality of maybe being engaged to Nick at the end of this. Corinne claims that her avoidance of the rose ceremony last week was due to a panic attack, while her bailing on the cow chores was due to a “serious medical condition” of her hand cramping. Her new strategy is to get the group date rose by making Nick feel sorry for her because the other ladies have been giving her the “cold shoulder.” Nick was kind of the Corinne of Kaitlyn’s season (minus the whining, nanny and hair extensions), so he admires her ‘maturity’ in dealing with the drama. Ultimately, Corinne’s plan doesn’t work because Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina.
The last date of the week is with Raven. They meet up with Nick’s youngest sister Bella, whom we met on Kaitlyn’s season. Oh right, Nick is one of 8 kids or something? Insane. They watch Bella’s soccer game and he introduces Raven to his parents. That goes well, and they join Bella at the roller rink. Nick hams it up on the rink (he’s alarmingly good at this) while Bella and Raven chat. Bella is a fan, and it’s clear Nick is too as they skate around on what Nick calls one of his favourite dates. Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background which is amazing because I’ve been nostalgic for 1997 all day and no I didn’t even have to google the year that song came out.
Later that evening, Raven regales Nick with the story of catching her most recent ex cheating on her. She caught him full-on intercourse-ing with another woman. “I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat him in the head with it,” she laughs. That’s one of the lighter moments, but the story actually turns into a cute moment between them and it’s one of the best dates of the season. I didn’t anticipate Raven and Nick having such a strong connection but it’s definitely there. “If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued then they’re not worth my time,” she drawls. “It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself,” Nick responds. He finds her interesting and sassy and says Raven is someone that he’s going to keep his eye on. Raven accepts the date rose and confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love. I mean, that seems ridiculous to me but maybe she’s just super into dudes who can rollerskate? Last weekend I saw a dude rollerblading on my street and I actually shouted “WHY?!”at him. To each their own, I suppose.
It’s time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and according to Corinne, Taylor is acting very “attitude-y.” Taylor definitely has a hate-on for Corinne right now and is sooooo over her acting cuntingly (not a real word, but kind of perfect, no?). Danielle L. is the first to pull Nick aside, and this ruffles Taylor’s feathers because she already has a rose. So Taylor just hates everyone tonight, apparently. Taylor interrupts Danielle and Nick and cuddles up with him by the fire. The women start to turn on Taylor now, with Josephine suddenly on Team Corinne. BLACK IS WHITE. UP IS DOWN. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Corinne confronts Taylor, with Corinne calling her behaviour “disgusting.” “My concern is just not feeling confident that you are in a place to enter into a committed, romantic, healthy, fulfilling relationship,” Taylor starts. She states that she’s not sure Corinne has the “emotional intelligence” to be here. Corinne calls out Taylor for “feeling superior” to her when, according to Corinne, she shouldn’t. “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company…stop treating me like an idiot,” Corinne half-yells. “Taylor is the shit that I scooped in my shovel…I literally can’t even.”
And that’s it for this week. A voiceover from Chris Harrison reveals that either Taylor or Corinne won’t be around after next week. Hit me up in the comments with your predictions!
Until next week.