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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.

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Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Two

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.

Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a group date. The women arrive in a parade of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets dressed up as brides, bridesmaids, and something – in Brittany’s case – that involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.

Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.

SIDEBAR: HIRE ME BACHELOR SHOW I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING DATE IDEAS LIKE EATING A DOZEN DONUTS IN SILENCE WHILE MAINTAINING HARD EYE CONTACT WITH MY DATE AND ALSO GETTING DAY DRUNK AND NAPPING ON ALL THE BEDS AT IKEA.™

Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.

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Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne returns to the women after her first interrupting and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.

Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang – we found out in week one that they hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the adorable Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”

In a hot tub.

On a yacht.

Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle opens up to Nick about her fiancé dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”) arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.

The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch. A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz and seems a bit nervous. Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).

After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in four boring ways, one painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff. Aside from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they hooked up. Ruh roh.

As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen (it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue – he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.

Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!

And that’s where we leave things.

So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.

Back  next week.

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 2, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get re-acquainted with our Bachelor Nick, shall we?

 

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

 

So, Nick isn’t new. He’s basically a Bachelor world veteran at this point. His #journey started a few years ago when he made it to the final two of Andi Dorfman’s season and was dumped before he could get down on one knee. Fast forward to the next Bachelorette – Kaitlyn Bristowe. Nick was a bit of a late addition to her season, joining a few weeks in. He had met Kaitlyn at some Bachelor social before she was announced as the next Bachelorette (I imagine it was Vegas-themed for some reason) and decided they had enough of a connection that he needed to pursue her on national television. He made it to the final two once again – this time he did propose (sorta) but was insta-rejected by our Bachelorette. Down but not out, Nick showed up on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. After a brief showmance with single mom Amanda he seemed to have found his match in Jen, but ultimately he didn’t propose (proving that people can change) and was announced as the next Bachelor while that show was still airing. Full disclosh (not a real word, you’ll learn to love it): I’m a huge Nick Viall fan. He’s adorable, funny, smart and is, like, really good dresser. I basically want to live in a pile of his cardigans. He’s 36 and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I bet his neck smells great.

First we’re treated to a bro-down with Nick and former Bachelors Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins. They’re all “we didn’t really like you on Andi’s season but we like you know dude.” Ben tells Nick to just be himself. I have an alternate suggestion: never wear a shirt. What? Nick has a banging body. Sorry not sorry. I hope there are some awesome women in his bunch who can keep up with Nick. He’s pretty bright and the dude wears the fuck out of a 3-piece suit. If I were a contestant, I’d throw my body at his body and hope for the best. Actually, who am I kidding? I’d hyperventilate in the limo and then bail and hit an In-N-Out burger or something.

Amongst this season’s women there is a French Canadian, a salon owner, a nursing student, a boutique owner who goes ‘mudding’, a soft spoken neonatal nurse, and a bridesmaid from Bachelor in Paradise’s success couple Jade and Tanner’s wedding who got drunk with Nick that night and banged him but didn’t give him her number because.. umm…. BECAUSE WHY DUMB DUMB?

It’s time for limo arrivals. They must have thrown a spider into a few of them because these women are actually screaming. Nick and host Chris Harrison share a tender “welcome back” moment. Nick is wearing an amazing polka dot tie and Chris pretends not to notice and instead is all “you were a controversial choice for Bachelor.” Nick is ready to find love and it’s just in the..err..nick of time because the women arrive.

Salon owner Danielle L. is the first out of the limo and Nick looks pleased as punch. Elizabeth – a marketing manager from Texas – is “soooo glad” that Nick is our Bachelor. There’s a possibly insane wedding videographer named Christen who is thrilled that Nick is very tall in person. Mental health counsellor Taylor makes a good first impression until she opens her mouth and blurts out that all of her friends casually refer to Nick as a “piece of shit” (yes, she told him this). There’s a model named Angela who seems quite lovely.  Sassy Sarah is tickled to find food awaiting her in the mansion (spirit animal!) and a spunky gal named Ida Marie does a trust fall with our Bachelor. When our favourite bridesmaid (and doula, cool!) Elizabeth “Liz” shows up she suspects Nick doesn’t remember her (and claims she’s cool with that) but he reveals to Chris Harrison that he thinks he met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Corinne  gets a “she’s cute” from Nick and Frenchie Vanessa wows him as well. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. arrives with homemade syrup and they have a very sweet exchange (see what I did there? It’s ok to groan). Alexis shows up in a shark costume but THINKS SHE IS A DOLPHIN (yes, I’m shouting).

Nick enters the mansion after meeting his 30 ladies and says some stuff about being normal in an abnormal world or whatever who cares he’s so handsome. We enter the portion of night one where Nick starts to have some one-on-one time with his girlfriends. He really connects with lawyer Rachel, Danielle L. and Vanessa. Corinne gets the first kiss of the night, which obviously doesn’t annoy the other women at.all (sarcasm). Wait until they hear she referred to him as Nickelodeon (no!). The women are all gorgeous, are mostly wearing red dresses, and look like they promote sunglasses and meal delivery services on Instagram.

While Nick gets to know, well, everyone, Jasmine G. earns the title of First Crier. She’s emotional over “the environment” of the house. Shark girl Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin and jumps in the pool and then Nick breaks it to her that she is dressed as a shark. “That’s a concern,” Nick deadpans. While chatting with Liz, Nick confesses he totes remembers meeting herat Jade and Tanner’s wedding (that explains the “weird look”, she responds). “I remember being very intrigued by you,” Nick tells her, and adds that he was bummed when she wouldn’t give him her digits, post-coitus. After all, she could’ve just asked Jade for his number if she really wanted to stay in touch. Liz says that after she saw Nick on Bachelor in Paradise her impression of him changed and her “stereotype” of him disappeared. That conversation ends abruptly, and Liz worries that Nick may send her packing. Later, he tells Chris that their conversation wasn’t the best and their connection is on “shakey ground.” I guess it may seem suspect that she didn’t want to stay in touch with him after they hooked up but suddenly he’s The Bachelor and here she is? I actually hope he keeps Liz around because she seems pretty cool and down-to-earth.

The First Impression Rose (FIR – I like acronyms, you’ll adapt) makes its first appearance, and the girl who forced Nick to eat a raw hot dog with him Lady-and-the-Tramp style hopes it doesn’t go to Corinne: “It’s a bold move to kiss someone on the first night.” So is giving someone food poisoning. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. is just so gosh darned sweet but it isn’t enough to land her the FIR which goes to Rachel. Our Bachelor tells Rachel he was immediately taken by her “aura and presence” and she accepts his rose “100%.” They kiss and hold hands a bit and it’s pretty cute.

Once the roses are handed out, Shark-Dolphin is safe. So is the girl who kept telling Nick that all her friends think he’s THE WORST. And Liz is safe too, proving that it is always a good idea to bed down after weddings because that guy may be the Bachelor one day.

Lauren and Angela and Briana and some other red dresses are sent home.

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!

Bits & Pieces

Hiya,

You guys, Spring is here. I think. Probably?

After a relatively mild winter in Toronto we got slammed with cold weather and snow last week. I really can’t complain because I seem to have been out of the country in El Salvador during the only other week this winter where proper boots were required. I can’t wait to bust out my leather jacket and ditch the toque. The forecast looks great for this weekend. I’m spending it celebrating my mom’s birthday by doing what I do best: handing her an envelope full of cash and taking her to Red Lobster (because: their cheese biscuits!). Tradition, y’all.

Hope you and yours have a lovely weekend full of loveliness.

Here are a few bits and pieces that made my week:

  • A great read on traveling with friends to make all of your vacations a little more fancy (read: Airbnb/villa rentals). I love the vibe of sharing a house with friends on vacation and have always had a blast doing it.
  • Have you been watching this season of Girls? I honestly think it’s the best season so far. I think, actually, that season 1 was my least favourite but I stuck with it. If you’ve not caught up I won’t ruin it for you but Allison Williams gives an absolutely stunning performance in season 5 episode 6, and talked about it in Vulture. Spoilers, obvi.
  • I started a new job recently and share a space with a vegan, a vegetarian and a Paleo follower. I am none of these things. That said, inspired, I’ve been seeking out some vegan recipes. I’m not a huge fan of pasta but I had a ass ton of avocado to use up in a hurry and this recipe for vegan alfredo was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. I loved it so much I’ve made it twice this week.
  • Have you heard of the Spike Lee movie Chiraq? It focuses on the gang violence in Chicago’s South Side where, in an effort to curb the shootings, the neighbourhood women get together and decide to withhold sex until the violence stops. The story is based on Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, a Classical Greek comedy play in which women withhold sex from their husbands as punishment for fighting in the Peloponnesian War. I watched it this week and found it quite brilliant. It has some great musical elements and the soundtrack is amazing. Also, more Angela Bassett in everything please.

xo

 

 

Recap: The Bachelor – After The Final Rose

SPOILERS AHEAD.

 

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We head straight from Ben’s proposal to Lauren B. into the After the Final Rose special. Live in studio, Ben and host Chris Harrison talk about his struggle with being in love with both Lauren and JoJo. Ben has no regrets telling both Lauren and JoJo that he loved them. “I tried to be as honest as possible and it led me to Lauren…I can’t regret that,” Ben says.

Oh god, what did they do with JoJo’s parents who were there backstage in case Ben picked JoJo and they got married on TV? Did someone quietly hand JoJo’s mom a bottle of champs and usher them out the back into a waiting limousine?

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JoJo’s mom during hometown dates

JoJo joins Ben on stage and he tells her he will “never regret” having her as part of his life. JoJo seems poised and calm and, dare I say happy? “It was gut wrenching watching that, but it helped me to see that it was hard for you too,” JoJo admits. She is all class wishing Ben and Lauren the best and saying how wonderful Lauren is. Now I’ll have the super sads if JoJo isn’t the next Bachelorette. She’s so lovely. Whyyyyy is Chris Harrison hinting that it’s not necessarily who we think?

Back from commercial break, JoJo says that life right after Jamaica was spent at home doing a lot of reflecting and thinking. “Watching back helped me a lot,” she confirms. “There’s a very big difference between the way he looked at Lauren and the way he looked at me,” JoJo says, echoing everyone on Twitter for the last 10 weeks. She asks Ben what the deciding factor for him was. “My desire was to stay open,” Ben says, “but as I started to really let myself feel things, I couldn’t picture my life without Lauren.” JoJo says she will always have a special place in her heart for Ben but adds that she’s moved on and has found peace and, again, is super happy for Lauren and Ben because they’re amazing people. No joke it’s the loveliest After the Final Rose runner-up face-to-face  ever.

PSYCH! The new Bachelorette *is* JoJo. Fuck, Chris Harrison even gestured towards off stage as if someone was going to walk out but then pointed right back at JoJo. The studio audience loses their damn minds. I may have shouted YASSSSSSSS at my TV. JoJo for Bachelorette! I’m going to watch the shit out of that season.

Lauren joins Ben on stage, where she says that she wasn’t “blindsided” by anything she saw on the show because the night after they got engaged Ben told her everything that had happened between him and JoJo. “Smart man,” Chris chuckles. “I was surprised but I wasn’t surprised,” Lauren says, of learning about Ben’s feelings for JoJo. They’re clearly super happy together and Lauren is full of sparkle and personality tonight. And wearing a white dress. Hmm…

Lauren confirms she is moving to Denver to be with Ben and she says she doesn’t want a long engagement. Bachelor superfan, late night host Jimmy Kimmel stands up in the crowd and asks them “what happens in the Fantasy Suite” (demonstrated with Barbies both clothed and naked).

That wedding Chris Harrison has been teasing all night? They bring out the Pastor but Ben says they owe it to each other to do a big wedding with all of their friends and family. Instead, Ben surprises Lauren with the news that her parents have been backstage and he calls them out and re- proposes.

Ben thanks Bachelor Nation for being supportive during a really `weird`season. And that`s it for another season of The Bachelor. Swoon!

Thanks for reading!

 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Finale

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the finale of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, March 14, 2016). Seriously, STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHO BEN PICKED. We good? Cool.

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The Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Alright Bachelor fans – tonight is the night we find out if Ben proposes to Lauren or JoJo (or no one, but come on) on the “emotional season finale”. So gird your loins and let’s do this! This is a three hour finale so hopefully you got enough wine. If not, it’s totally normal to start panicking right about now,

When we last saw Ben, he had told both Lauren and JoJo that he was in love with them – gasp! Then he went on ‘Women Tell All’ and announced that he was so in love he would marry the woman of his choice ASAP. So, when we go to studio for the live broadcast hosted by Chris Harrison, we learn that the producers have flown in the families of both women and that Ben and his intended will, in fact, get married on the After the Final Rose special. His pastor is literally on stand-by. I CAN’T EVEN.

Cut to Lauren and JoJo (separately, of course) in Jamaica all happy and in love but also starting to wonder if maybe Ben’s been playing a little fast and loose with the “I love you’s.” On his end, Ben swears he is in love with both women. He has no idea what he’s going to do because he can’t imagine saying goodbye to either of them, and they both love him too. For a guy who described himself as feeling “unlovable” he’s certainly found himself in quite the pickle.

It’s time for the last ladies standing to meet the Higgins’. Ben swears up and down that his mind is not made up, so he’s hoping that his parents can provide some clarity: Betty or Veronica. Err…I mean Lauren or JoJo.

First up is Lauren. Ben tells his parents how Lauren had mentioned wanting to meet them during their first date waaaayyyy back in week three, which played more adorable than stage 5 clinger. Lauren’s conversation with Ben’s dad is pretty innocuous. She saves the good stuff for Ben’s mom who looks great in shorts and is more than skeptical about Ben being in love with two women. Lauren asks how she can best be a good partner to Ben during the tough times. Good question, and she gets serious mom points. I don’t really listen to the answer but I’m sure it’s fine because Lauren and mom are holding hands which is in direct conflict with the ‘oh, you two think you’re in love, eh?…how adorable‘ vibe mom has been giving off so far. “I’d marry Ben tomorrow,” Lauren proclaims. There’s the Bachelor spirit! Her and Ben kiss and say goodbye and it’s all kind of boring.

When JoJo meets the parents she’s so nervous she’s shaking, but first impressions are amazeballs. She goes right into the ‘I’m in love with your son’ stuff and Ben talks about how they have had the most ‘amazing moments’ on their dates. JoJo tells Ben’s dad that there will never be a day when Ben doesn’t know how much she loves him (awwww). JoJo and Ben’s mom also hold hands (IS THIS A THING?) and JoJo says she feels “safe” and protected with Ben, which mom likes because Ben says the same about JoJo. Ben confirms that JoJo is a hit with the folks, and, when questioned by JoJo, says that a proposal in the end is definitely a possibility.

Based purely on the meet-the-parents shtick, JoJo comes out the winner but if the internet has anything to say about it, she’s heading for heartbreak. Ben’s dad is all ‘shit Ben, they’re both awesome – you have a tough choice’. Dad describes Lauren as “polished” and JoJo as a “best friend.” Mom says everything about both of them was “so wonderful.” Not the clarity Ben was seeking from his parents. Mom cries worrying about the fact that Ben still doesn’t know who to get engaged to but says whoever he picks is going to be “blessed” (and on the cover of US Weekly).

Back in the studio, the camera pans over Ben’s pastor who is literally reading the Bible. WE GET IT. Is he looking for a passage that will make the bridge less mad after seeing that Ben didn’t know who to propose to until, like, the night before?

For their ‘final date’, Lauren and Ben kiss on a catamaran and talk about feelings and not being able to sleep. He looks at Lauren like he wants to devour her, but Lauren senses his “heavy mind.” Ben tells her it’s been “so perfect since the moment I saw you,” and admits he knew he loved her right away. In his voiceover, he questions his feelings for Lauren and talks about being freaked out because he felt so strongly about her immediately.

Later, Ben visits a nervous Lauren and she wants to know if he has any doubts or any questions. “I’m ready to spend my life with you,” says an emotional Lauren, while Ben continues to look slightly barfy. None of this would be happening if Chris Harrison had been around more this season to bro down with Ben and offer his awesome Harrison advice, I’ve decided. But I digress. Lauren and Ben touch foreheads while the serious Bachelor music plays, and Ben says “no matter what happens, you’ve made me a better person…you’ve made this worth it.” In her private on-camera interview, Lauren looks scared as fuck because she knows Ben could be equally in love with JoJo. “I can’t picture my life without Ben,” she says.

The next day Ben wakes feeling “uneasy” and can still picture “life with both JoJo and Lauren.” He now “has to compare relationships.” “I’m going to pray for clarity,” Ben announces.

He meets up with JoJo for their last date. They kiss like one of them just got out of prison and then hop into a jeep. They’re in the jungle and there’s a waterfall and it’s all very romantic when they Tarzan vine swing into the water and make out like teenagers. “If there’s anything left that I need to say to him, today’s my last chance,” JoJo says. That leads to them chatting about the future and JoJo tells Ben she’s committed to making their relationship work because she has “so much faith in you and I.” “My mind is in a thousand different places,” Ben admits to a visibly freaked JoJo, who we just watched realize that Ben is in love with her and Lauren. JoJo is hoping to hear something that gives her a bit of hope – because Ben admits to being torn between the two women – and says she prays she doesn’t end up “looking like a fool.”

For the evening portion of their date, JoJo is determined to pick up on any info she can that will confirm to her that it will be the two of them in the end. When prompted by JoJo, Ben says he has no fears or concerns about their relationship. “The next time I see you, you could make me the happiest person or I could be heartbroken,” she says. “Somehow in two months you became my best friend,” Ben tells her. But that’s not enough for JoJo who still wants to hear from Ben that he’s going to pick her, even though she knows he can’t give her that. Her strategy is to lock them in the bathroom, still mic’d, and tell him she’s losing her mind. “You love her too, am I right?” JoJo pleads. Ben confirms, and also admits to having told Lauren that he loves her too. She breaks down crying because she’s “so tired of competing with other people.” Off the bathroom floor and back on the couch, Ben says he doesn’t want to say goodbye and he cries a little and thanks JoJo for sticking with him through this whole process. They say ‘I love you’ for the millionth time and he leaves.

It’s starting to sink in that Ben is probs getting married on live TV within the next 90 minutes which means there’s a pretty good chance he’s not marrying me. That’s just science, people.

Neil Lane arrives for the ‘pick the ring’ part and it’s possible that Ben still hasn’t quiiiiite decided. NEIL IS A JEWELER, NOT A THERAPIST, BEN. Luckily, looking at the ring, Ben says he knows who it is. “I love two women, but I’m only fully in love with one woman,” he says. #finally

Lauren and JoJo get ready to get engaged or dumped. Lauren says when she met Ben she finally knew what people meant when they said they “met the love of their life.” For her part, JoJo is super sure that Ben is the one for her and she wants him to get down on one knee so they can start their life together. She thinks she’ll know if it’s her or not immediately when she sees him.

Ben awaits Lauren and JoJo and paces nervously, feeling “physically sick” over having to break up with one of them.

JoJo arrives in a helicopter (of course) and takes the loooong walk towards Ben. “From our first kiss on that rooftop in LA…to being able to finally tell you ‘I love you’…these are the moments where taking a crazy chance on love has been worth it,” Lauren says. “This is worth it…you are worth it. I’m never going to run from this,” she adds.

Ben starts with: “I, uh…”

Oh, crap.

“I came into this not knowing if I was going to find love…I found it with you…but I found it with somebody else more,” Ben drops. “I don’t want to let you go because I don’t want to say goodbye,” he tells a completely gutted JoJo. “Even on a day like today, I still don’t question that I love you…but you asked me to be honest and I’m trying to be.”

JoJo puts on a brave smile but admits she’s “confused and blindsided.” “Where did it go wrong?” she asks. When Ben tries to explain, she brushes him of and they start walking. He cries telling her he couldn’t imagine saying bye to her and doesn’t know how to explain why he is choosing someone else. They hug goodbye before he puts her into the Limo of Broken Dreams™. So sad…but JoJo for Bachelorette, right? RIGHT?!

Ben watches the limo pull away while inside it JoJo cries and says she wants to go home. “JoJo gets the raw end of this deal…she didn’t deserve this…I don’t deserve JoJo,” Ben says, in tears. Somewhere, JoJo’s brothers are cracking their knuckles and picking out their best asskicking cardigans.

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JoJo’s brothers

“I love Lauren so much that saying goodbye to JoJo had to happen,” states an emotional Ben before calling Lauren’s dad to ask permission to propose. Lauren’s dad says he has the whole family’s blessing and that they can’t wait to hug him and welcome him to the family. God dammit how does this show make me emotional? I thought I was dead inside by now. Gah!

Lauren emerges from her helicopter, her voiceover proclaiming she’s “at her best” with Ben. “Today will either be the best day of my life or the worst day,” she predicts.

“You couldn’t look more beautiful,” he greets her.  Lauren tells Ben that she hoped her first kiss with him was her last first kiss ever. “You are my person,” she tells him. While Ben briefly gathers his thoughts, his downcast gaze and slight pause result in Lauren’s eyes widening in complete fear. That fear quickly turns to relief when Ben says “Lauren, I never want to say goodbye to you.” “My desire from here on out is to live for you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you” he adds. He proposed, he accepts. The usual. Ben tells her she’s also his person and it’s pretty adorable and mushy. He presents Lauren with the final rose. “Yes! Give me that thing!” she laughs, showing the most personality she has shown in weeks.

And there you have it! Pretty predictable, but I did think for a split second after the meet-the-parents part that he would maybe pick JoJo.

Hit me up in the comments – did Ben make the right decision?

Coming up, my recap of the After the Final Rose special.

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Recap: The Bachelor – ‘Women Tell All’

Howdy rose lovers,

As per tradition, between the week that our Bachelor Ben Higgins narrows the herd down from three women to two after overnight “fantasy suite” dates/scheduled intercourse and the week where, likely, a proposal happens, it’s the Women Tell All! This is when former contestants get together on one stage, many attempting to reclaim their 15 minutes of fame while everyone typically gangs up on one or two recently departed contestants.

Here are some highlights from the episode:

  • Host Chris Harrison reminds us that this season featured the most women to ever tell a Bachelor they love him, and the first time a Bachelor has told the final two women (JoJo and Lauren) that he loves them
  • Chris and Ben do some surprise drop-ins on Bachelor viewing parties – one house has their babies in Mrs. Higgins onesies and scoreboards with the women’s photos
  • In another house, Ben is greeted by 40 bouncy ladies who should be panicking that their Ben shrines will come off more “creepy” than “superfan” – their journals will hear A LOT about this night
  • Ben admits that one year ago he was on Tinder! Cue 80,000 more women joining Tinder!
  • Olivia has cut her hair but still won’t close her mouth
  • Did they slip a few bonus Lauren’s in there to eff with us? #somanylaurens
  • A chicken named Sheila steals the show (reminding us that early-offed contestant Tiara was a “chicken enthusiast”)
  • Amongst the season’s “villain’s” (Olivia, Lace, Leah and Jubilee), I thought Olivia would get the most hate but there’s a lot of cut eye and negative comments aimed towards Leah right off the bat
  • Amber’s face looks different – really different (nose?)
  • Allegedly, Jubilee made comments during taping around going the farthest on the show as a ‘true’ black woman (thus angering biracial angels Amber and Jami) but she claims those allegations are false(ish)
  •  I still love Jubilee (who remains in the military and just made Sergeant) and she speaks very well in her one-on-one with Chris Harrison, admitting she spent too much time “over-thinking” things during her time on the show
  • Lace is in good spirits watching the recap of her time on the show, which was definitely cringe-worthy and borderline crazypants
  • Lace claims that after watching herself back on the show she has made some major life changes (including cutting down on using the word “crazy”)
  • Speaking of crazy, a random (and obviously planted) dude in the crowd shouts out during Lace’s couch time with Chris Harrison to say that she may be crazy but she’s crazy beautiful and shows off his tattoo of Lace’s face on his ribs (the eff?) and then goes on stage to get a photo with her during which Chris is all “we need better security” and “don’t actually touch her” but no, seriously, you need better security
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A Lace face tattoo on some nutjob’s ribcage

  • Chris convinces Lace to go on Bachelor in Paradise (probably because there’s security there to protect her from tattoo guy)
  • Chris really earns his paycheque tonight acting as host, therapist and bodyguard
  • Olivia feels that it’s unfair that the women all shit-talked her during taping instead of coming right to her to hash out issues like they did more with Jubilee
  • Sweetie pie twins Emily and Haley call Olivia a bully for saying Ben should “run” from single mom Amanda and insinuating that the other women were sluts based on wardrobe choices
  • Olivia counters that she was severely bullied as a child and claims she is actually very much an introvert despite her public persona and job as a TV anchor (though she did say she finds the mouth jokes directed at her “funny”)
  • “There’s no way to know how to do this right. I did it wrong,” Olivia says – and surprisingly, Chris does not ask her to join Bachelor in Paradise
  • Second runner up and overall adorable gal (and Ben-anointed “sex panther”) Caila takes the hot seat after Olivia and says she still has strong feelings for Ben and that him not loving her back pretty much gutted her
  • Caila says that watching the show back it was helpful for her to see how Ben looked at JoJo and Lauren because she wants to meet someone who looks at her that way
  • “The most popular Bachelor in history” (definitely the most handsome) takes the stage and is visibly nervous
  • First thing’s first – Chris reminds Ben of the mess he is in having told two women that he loves them last week
  • Ben addresses Caila and hopes she knows how much their relationship meant to him
  • Amanda and Becca have nothing but the loveliest of lovely things to say about Ben, and he can still tell twins Emily and Haley apart (win!)
  • Ben confirms he is super in love (we find out next week if it’s with JoJo or Lauren) and would get married tomorrow (to Lauren, I’m guessing, leaving JoJo open to be the next Bachelorette!)
Come back next week to read my finale recap!