Funny Girls in Tight Jeans

8 01 2012

From time to time I like to post old email conversations between my friend M and I because we’re not great people but we are really funny. This one is from September 2, 2010. Also known as 90210 day.

I didn’t even realize it at first, the whole 90210 day thing. I comb youtube for clips of the original Beverly Hills 90210 series on a daily basis, so I didn’t notice at first the saturation of 90210-related mentions all over facebook and twitter. I just figured that everyone had finally caught on to the amazingness. Actually, I probably didn’t even think about it because it’s so ‘normal’ to me, like talking about Carrie Bradshaw as if she’s a real person who I am also friends with. That morning I searched for a clip of the big love triangle fiasco final fight between Brenda-Dylan-Kelly and posted it on M’s facebook wall and she responded something about 90210 day and I thought ‘Isn’t EVERY day 90210 day?’ and just went with it. It wasn’t until about 3:30 p.m. that I caught on when a co-worker stopped by my office and literally shouted ‘Happy 90210 day!’ right into my uterus.

It was the best day.

Here is the email convo between M and myself:

M: It’s 90210 today! Let’s get in our mom jeans and act like we’re just about to make our with our twin!!!!

J: Let’s! And can we discuss why they are always wearing jackets? It’s hot in Cali, right? Like all the time? So much spandex. So much flower print. So many perfectly sculpted sideburns. Remember when Scott shot himself. So funny. Right?

M: I want to be in flower print tights immediately.  Like right now. I think it’s more temperate in California, like 22 everyday?  Or sweating all day every day will drop your dress size in a week.

J: Speaking of sweating to death, I need to lose 23 pounds before I get to Vegas in a month. Do-able? Cut to me google-ing ‘liquid diet’ and then modifying my search to include ‘alcohol.’

…later…(3:33 p.m.)

J: Ohmygod I just realized that it’s actually 9/02/10 day.

M: Wait – for you this is all a coincidence?  Your super power IS pop culture!!





Whatever Happened to…Maureen Flannigan?

16 04 2011

In my early high school years I had a bit of a hard on for Days of Our Lives. Every day my bestie Amanda and I raced home from the mall after gorging ourselves on poutine and chicken fries to catch the 1 – 2 p.m Days epi.

It was our routine. Our religion.

In our zest to not miss a second, we often ended up being a bit early for the show. Lucky for us, the 12:30 – 1 time slot was taken up by a little known but well loved show called Out of this World.

Premise: Evie Garland is the daughter of Troy and Donna Garland. Troy, however, is an alien from the planet Anterias. As a benefit of her half-alien parentage, Evie develops three powers as the series progresses. She can pause and un-pause time, “gleep” objects into existence, and can transport herself from one place to another. Episodes usually revolve around Evie getting herself out of a situation that she has caused.

So Evie was played by super blonde and mildly flatulent (I presume) Maureen Flannigan. And admit it, you tried touching your index figures together to stop time too, didn’t you. You did.  What follows is what I believe happened to Maureen Flannigan after the show went off the air in 1991 after four spunky seasons:

So Maureen finds herself without a job and without the actual ability to freeze time, despite her best attempts. She hooks up with that kid who played that kid in the E.T. movies, and together they begin a passionate love affair revolving around  Indian takeout and shooting heroin into eachothers feet. In the mid 90s, she headed to Puerto Rico to make an art house (*cough* porn *cough*) film. While in Puerto Rico, she ditched the E.T. kid and took up with a local drug lord named Pedro. Pedro liked his woman to have a little junk in the trunk, as they say. He brought Maureen to a local plastic surgeon/town butcher who injected her ass with a fun filled combo of pig fat and coffee. Then things went downhill.

Scarred from her surgery and forced to file bankruptcy, Maureen fled to Waco Texas and found God in the form of bourbon and a diner job. To make extra cash, she blew truck drivers in the mens room of the nearby Piggly Wiggly grocery store. After a stint selling Avon and a bit part in a community theatre production of ‘Annie Get Your Gun,’, Maureen found employment selling jewellery at Target. Where she remains today. She just celebrated her 10 years at Target. There was cake.

Maureen Flannigan from Out of This World





California’s New Crappiest Address: Melrose Place

10 03 2009

They’re remaking Melrose Place. It wasn’t that super the first time around. And the 90210 remake is craptastic. And this new Melrose Place will make the new 90210 look like The Wire (um, cuz I hear The Wire is well written). And Ashlee Simpson is gonna be on the new Melrose Place. She’s going to be the new crazy redhead, obvi. And maybe Mischa Barton too, who’s going to take time out of her busy ‘showing up to everything wearing a headband’ schedule to shit up the airways with her complete lack of talent and penchant for coked out up-talking. Yeah, I’ll watch it.

 

 





Fuck You NBC. Fuck You.

13 11 2008
So NBC has pulled the plug on Lipstick Jungle, and I am none too pleased. Lipstick Jungle is the show I illegally watch online on Saturday mornings while drinking a bucket of tea in my trackies and Hilary Duff concert t-shirt that’s roughly 8 sizes too small. True story. FUCK YOU NBC. I’ll always love you Kirby.
Devastated.
Devastated?
Devastated.

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