Just Say Jenn

For the record, this is all from one email chain. It was that kind of day.

“I know people who just don’t drink and sometimes I’m like “lame” and other times I’m just jealous because they’ve never known what it’s like to vomit in their own bathtub.”

“…And then I ran into everyone I’ve ever met while eating greasy Popeyes chicken OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG.”

“I just literally ate a piece of bread with about 9 slices on bacon on it. Call an ambulance.”

“I recently saw an old photo of me and I can’t believe H&M even made that many stupid graphic t-shirts. I didn’t need to buy ALL of them, 22 year old me. I probably dropped over $600 on stupid t-shirts in my early 20s. I could’ve spent that money on hair extensions and abortions.”

“He was wearing a cardigan and had I been wearing underpants that night I would’ve surely flung them at his torso.”

“I was friends with EVERYONE on MySpace. I was probs friends with Saddam Hussein on MySpace.”

From time to time on this blog I like to post old email conversations between my friend M and I because, frankly, we’re the funniest people we know.

Me: How was your weekend visiting your parents and sister? Lots of hand holding and sing-along’s, I presume?

M: My weekend was great! It’s amazing how much coffee we all managed to drink in spite of the constant laughing and sitting under blankets. Saturday I got my hair did. For the rest of the afternoon, my sister had school work to do so I mostly just sat across from her whispering “you’re so perfect”. I saw a good friend when we went out for dinner. It’s his brother’s restaurant so he works there during the holidays. I’ve known him since grade three and he looks like Clark Kent. Seriously, I was asked three times (by three different 50-somethings) if they kept a phone booth in the back for when he became Superman. After my parents went to bed, my sister and I watched La Bamba. And yeah, it’s still totally awesome. Not Surprised. After I got home Sunday night I ate my (new) weight in risotto and fudge and slept like it was my full-time job. How was your weekend? Did I miss anything spectacular? I still want to watch the 5^th and 6^th (or whatever the last two were) Harry Potter’s before the holidays because I’m going to go see the 7^th with my mom. Maybe thinking about that this week… What are you up to? Tell me everything.

Me: Ooh so excited to see your haircut!!! I won’t be able to stop touching your face, I just know it. Sounds like a perfect weekend of perfectness. My weekend was fine. Friday me and R went to see a friend’s band at The Horseshoe (thank you guest list – the place was rammed), and I pre-drank half a box of wine and then just kept going from there. Around 3:30 a.m. I threw my last pair of contact lenses out onto the street and went home and took a shower (?) and when I woke up at noon on Saturday I found evidence that I had eaten two packages of chicken flavoured Mr. Noodle and had downloaded some British show about magic. Or something. On Saturday I saw Harry Potter 7 (AWESOME) and then went to my friend’s house party for her birthday where I ate roughly 12 salmon wellington puffs and half a pound of baked brie. And drank an entire bowl of adult punch. Yesterday I slept and cleaned and baked muffins and made perogies and watched 1/2 of Sherlock Holmes then woke up in the middle of the night to scratch myself for a while because I keep forgetting which laundry detergent I’m allergic to (all of them). Yes let’s watch Harry Potter 5 and 6 this week. Wednesday? Or maybe Friday?

M: So excited for so much face touching! Your Friday sounds fun and fairly classic. I love the throw-your-contacts-into-the-street move. It makes so much sense! I also like waking up with them either on my nightstand or still in my eyes so I can’t open them and feel like I’m being tortured trying to peel my eyelids back so I can take them out. If we watch a movie on Wednesday there might be some fudge left. MIGHT be. Wednesday’s also better for me so I can pretend to be sick Friday night and stay in wearing track pants and an exfoliating face mask without people trying to get me out to drink. A pound of baked brie sounds right on point – should I call France? I think I have them on speed dial. Oh my god what kind of muffins did you bake? Last night I would have killed someone for an oatmeal muffin but no one was home.*sigh* I watched Inception last night! It really happened!! It was awesome. I also woke up in the middle of the night but it was because my uterus was showing off.

Me: Well, I was apparently done with those contacts (?) so they belong to the sidewalk now! Joke’s on me though. When I tried to put in a new pair that day they were defective…and my last pair. So I’m in glasses for awhile. Remember that drunken night you found out I wore glasses and you, like, straddled me on the floor of your parents’ basement? I baked oatmeal chocolate chip muffins. The best! And from the dollar store. No judgment. Oh god, Inception. I could pretend to understand that movie for the rest of my life. I loved it. I think.

M: STRADDLEU4LIFE!! Oatmeal chocolate chip are my favourite. I KNEW that’s what you made. Sometime last year I was down to one contact lense and actually talked an optometrist into an emergency pair. Apparently it’s only illegal when you’re not annoying as hell.

From time to time on this blog I like to post old email conversations between my friend M and I because we’re a hot bag of crazy and generally speaking everyone already knows it anyways so may as well, right?

Here’s one from January 2011.

J: Hey, how was your weekend?

M: The weekend was fun!  Friday I stayed in and watched Revenge of the Nerds. Bummed around all day Saturday, cleaned a little. I made pancakes. I did manage to stay in bed most of the day snoozing on Sunday.  Then I stumbled to the couch and pretended to watch Arrested Development. I totally had that morning this morning.  I spent the night dreaming that I was up cooking and watching movies at my parents’ house and I kept being like “I HAVE to go to bed. I have to work in the morning!’ So I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all.  And I woke up late to boot since I forgot to change my alarm back.  I had the sickest pillow crease running from my right eye brow, bisecting my eye and down to my chin.  It lasted for about two hours. Oh!  And my face looks like breaking out is its job. *sigh*

J: All I did all weekend was eat, drink and watch shows about the Kardashians at MM’s parents’ house. We hung out with her cousins who are all way younger than me and getting married. I ate so much Saturday night that I couldn’t fit into my jeans the next day. Sunday, we couldn’t tear ourselves away from the basement until after 6 p.m. and then we all made that groaning noise old people make when they get out of bed in the morning. MM actually shouted: “MY BONES!”  I was bummed to leave and go back home so I buried my feelings by eating all the leftover dip. So to sum up, we spent all day Saturday eating and drinking, and all day Sunday laying on futons and talking about how much the basement reeked of cheese and farts but we didn’t care. I drank a lot of Palm Bays. I did have somewhat of a life on Friday – a birthday party. We got there around 11:30 and danced until 2:30 a.m. It was like a soundtrack to high school. All R&B and reggae and hip hop. The DJ was a woman but we didn’t know that until R talked to him/her to make a request. I was startled – physically startled – when MM knew almost all the words to a circa 1998 dance hall reggae song. Every song that came on we were like: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

M: Your weekend sounds lovely! Meeeeeee-ow!  I believe that you guys were out until last call Friday night. As soon as R said “two drinks” instead of one I knew it was going to be a night. We’re still hanging out this Friday? Get ready to get hit on by a bunch of 20-somethings.

J: Yes still on for Friday. I’m gonna wear shoulder pads and get my hair braided. Cool?

M: Yes hair braids!  What looks better on white girls? Oh.  Maybe wedged flip-flops. Shoulder pads or ANYthing Baby Phat.  There are going to be so many NY hats you’re not going to know what’s what.

J: I own a New York Yankees hat. In baby pink. I used to wear it in college. A lot of girls with 3 pound hoop earrings and baby strollers asked me where I got it. One offered to buy it from me. Well not buy so much as make a trade but I wasn’t interested in her baby because it was wearing more expensive shoes than me.

M: I have so much shell jewellery it looks like I rolled the little mermaid. Good call on the baby.  Sure, the re-sale numbers look good but there are always so many questions.

J: Sometimes I don’t even know why I like you because you’re so much funnier than me but then I remember what your ass looks like in a pair of smart slacks and it’s game over.