We kick off this week’s episode at the Penis Pad, where apparently the dress code is v-necks and hoodies. Host Chris Harrison arrives to address the remaining 13 men and let them know they’re heading to douche capital Atlantic City for their next dates.

Already in Atlantic City, Des strolls the boardwalk terrifying seagulls while her voice over talks about how excited she is to “move forward” with her dude harem. Upon arrival, Kasey announces that it’s like “Las Vegas on the ocean!” #shutupKasey

The date card arrives and the first one-on-one goes to dumb-face accountant Brad with the secret hot body. Des and Brad head out to the boardwalk for various shenanigans including wandering through the back rooms of a candy shop to thief some chocolate and break a bunch of health code rules.

Meanwhile, Zak W. is creeping on their date from high above in the hotel suite, and is devastated when he spots Des and Brad on the carousel because “things always happen on the carousel” apparently. Oh is THAT why I keep getting knocked up at carnivals? Food for thought.

Later on, Des and Brad curl up next to a fancy sand castle and Des is wondering if there’s a connection there or if she’s just into his good dad qualities. They reconnect at the Absecon Lighthouse for dinner and things are stalling a bit on the conversation side, so they drink more wine.

Back in the Handsome Hotel, a group date card arrives for Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey T., Ben, Michael and Chris. Therefore, James will have the one-on-one date card later on the trip.

We’re back at the restaurant and things are getting even more awkward between Des and Brad. It seems that when they’re not hanging out near carnies and salt water taffy, they have nothing to talk about. They head up to the top of the Lighthouse (is this really the best setting for a potential rejection?) and Des tells Brad that something was “missing” and that she doesn’t see a ‘forever’ connection. Brad is sent home to hang out with his son Maddox. They hug forever and Brad parts with a nice “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” Moving on.

Time for the group date and everyone meets up at Boardwalk Hall. Hugs all around for Des the “mystical creature” (ugh Brooks you’re the worst). Host Chris Harrison and the current Miss America (please don’t make me google her name, I’m tired) greet the menfolk and announce that they will be competing in a Mr. America-style competition. Bring on the oiled up abdominals AMIRIGHT? They meet their pageant coach and head off to prep for the talent portion of the competition. I would’ve assumed Juan Pablo’s talent would be unhooking a woman’s bra by just being in the same room as her, but it turns out he’s super good at twirling a baton (not a euphemism). Zak W. goes for the guitar (groan) while Chris gravitates to the high heels. Drew describes the whole thing as a “hodgepodge of tomfoolery” and becomes my favourite for about 5 minutes (sorry Chris).

Miss America coaches the dudes for the interview portion where Mikey T. shines (for once), and then it’s time for the most important part: the swimsuits. Juan Pablo is confident in his speedo prowess. Chris Harrison arrives, looking totally boss in a suit, and announces that the pageant is going to be in front of a live audience. Balls!

The competition begins and Kasey is up first for the interview portion. He’s asked if he’s a ‘giver’ or a ‘taker’ in a relationship and he’s a definite giver. Nailed it. Zak W. says he would be ‘fire’ over ‘water’ and Brooks would be a lion if he were an animal. Chris fumbles a date question and we find out that Juan Pablo has a daughter (we didn’t know that yet, right?). Mikey T. defends his meathead persona and good god can we get to the bathing suit part already???!!! During the talent portion, Kasey reveals his tap dancing skills (or lack thereof) in the world’s brightest pair of red pants, Mikey T. does a shirtless headstand (BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU’RE MORE THAN A HOT BODY!), Brooks creepily sings and plays the ukulele, Drew performs a Shakespeare scene, Chris strips down to boxers and a pair of heels and does something with hula hoops, and Bryden humps the stage with a tie around his neck. Zak W. does a great John Mayer impression and then it’s time for swimsuits. Yays. It’s ab-tastic! And the most I’ve ever liked Ben. Kasey is crowned the winner (for realsies), but the biggest injustice is that we never get to see Juan Pablo in the bathing suit competition. Devastated.

At the post-pageant COCKtail party, my lady boner for Chris instantly disappears with this sentence: “I write poetry, actually.” And then he reads some of it. “Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!” shouts my vagina. Then Des kisses him. I’m hoping she does this so that he shuts up but I think maybe Des was into the bad poetry (an oxymoron). Crap. Chris was my favourite. Maybe he’ll redeem himself? Meanwhile, the dudes are all hating on Ben (particularly Michael and Zak W. who comment that after trotting out his son during week one, Ben talks more about his bar than his son). Whatever Ben is saying. it’s working on Des because she can apparently see him as a future mate.

Back in the hotel room, James is relaxing in a bathrobe, drinking wine and mentally preparing for his solo date with Des. I kinda assumed his pre-date prep involved more push-ups.

Zak W. decides to spend his few minutes alone with Des playing her the rest of his pageant song (there was more?), and Des almost pulls a face muscle trying to act like she’s into it but still – much to my amazement – offers the date rose to him. WHAAAAT?

The next day, James and Des venture out on their one-on-one date. A departure from the usual fun-filled dates on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Des and James do a helicopter flyover of the Jersey Shore with a Red Cross rep names Jackie to view the damage from Hurricane Sandy. Side note: I melted a little when James introduced himself to the Red Cross lady and said “pleasure to meet you ma’am” all cute and polite.

They survey the devastation in Seaside Heights and both Des and James tear up. They eventually touch down in the Heights and meet a lovely older couple – Manny and Jan – who were affected by the hurricane. They’re also big fans of Desiree! Manny and Jan tell their hurricane survival story and it’s so heartbreaking. They spent their 38^th wedding anniversary in a shelter. Des and James decide to send Manny and Jan on their romantic dinner date back in Atlantic City. Manny and Jan head off in a limo and we see them enjoying dinner (“here’s to you baby,” Manny toasts Jan). It’s a really good thing that I’m an attractive crier (snort). Des and James, meanwhile, are having an equally cute time chowing down at a neighbourhood joint. James confesses that he cheated on his previous girlfriend 5 and ½ years into their relationship. He swears he would never cheat again and Des seems disappointed but still smitten.

Back on Manny and Jan’s date, they are presented with a wedding album that the Red Cross has helped restore. They are soon joined by Des and James and then that guy from Hootie and the Blowfish (who I for some reason thought had been murdered like 8 years ago) serenades them. Des presents James with the date rose and everyone dances.

Time for the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party. Michael feels like it’s make or break time for him. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s still around. He really feels like a spare. He sits down with Des and tells her the reasons why he likes her so far with visual aids and they kiss for a bit. Bryden, meanwhile, reveals that his feelings are falling behind where they should be, and he really wants to get some alone time with Des to figure out if he even wants to continue on the Bachelorette journey (yup, I utilized the most overused word on The Bachelor/Bachelorette aside from ‘fairytale’). Des would be devastated if Bryden left – he’s one of her early faves! Chris tells Des that he’s excited about where their relationship is going and he asks her about being away from her family. Des talks about taking care of herself financially and her independence and circle of guy friends. After a weird talk about maybe being BFFs, Desiree and Chris kiss and put that notion to a rest. Bryden finally gets his alone time with Des and tells her straight up that he was on a high after their first date but it feels like things have been ‘falling behind’ since then. I half expect Des to send Bryden packing but instead she tells him that she wants him to stay and that she feels a connection. Bryden’s still there, though, when Des gives her ‘I’m going off to decide which one of y’all heads home in the Sad Sack Limo tonight’ speech.

The rose ceremony begins and roses are handed out to Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablo (I love how she always asks him in Spanish – I would just ask him by pointing at his crotch and mouthing ‘I want’), Drew, Michael, Ben, and Kasey. When Des calls Bryden’s name, he goes all statue for what seems like an eternity before finally claiming his rose. The last dudes standing are Mikey T. and Zack. K. Ultimately, Zack K. is let go. Meh. I’ve forgotten about him already.

Until next week! Des and the crew are off to Munich, Germany.

Gosh there’s so much going on in Toronto this weekend that I’m actually getting a headache thinking about fitting it all in. There’s NxNE and Taste of Little Italy and Roncy Rocks and so much more. I want to do it all!

Hope you have a great weekend.

Here are some bits and pieces that made my week.

• Funny post on gentrification.

• Having a baby in Finland.

• The 101 best written TV shows, ever.

• What it’s like to go on a date with a particular Canadian radio personality. Eek.

• That time Alyssa Milano made a workout video.

• Stop. This. Now.

• Pretty sure my friends and I already invented this drinking game.

• IKEA makes me nervous too.

“I know people who just don’t drink and sometimes I’m like “lame” and other times I’m just jealous because they’ve never known what it’s like to vomit in their own bathtub.”

“…And then I ran into everyone I’ve ever met while eating greasy Popeyes chicken OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG.”

“I just literally ate a piece of bread with about 9 slices on bacon on it. Call an ambulance.”

“I recently saw an old photo of me and I can’t believe H&M even made that many stupid graphic t-shirts. I didn’t need to buy ALL of them, 22 year old me. I probably dropped over $600 on stupid t-shirts in my early 20s. I could’ve spent that money on hair extensions and abortions.”

“He was wearing a cardigan and had I been wearing underpants that night I would’ve surely flung them at his torso.”

“I was friends with EVERYONE on MySpace. I was probs friends with Saddam Hussein on MySpace.”

We start things off at the Penis Pad where the group date card arrives with a bit of a warning – “Love is a battlefield!” – for Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael G., Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Zack K., and Ben. When they arrive at their date, they are greeted by the head of the National Dodgeball League (THAT’S A THING?!) and the violence begins as they play against ‘professional’ dodgeball players. Soon Chris Harrison arrives to give the dudes a break from being ‘pummelled’ and divides the fellas into two teams to battle for Desiree’s heart. But wait – there’s more! The battle royale is actually taking place in public. More specifically, in a mall parking lot. Where real men battle for macho supremacy. In tiny shorts. Chris Harrison kicks it all off with a battle cry of “3-2-1-dodgeball!” After a few rounds of pitiful play – somewhere in there Brooks hurts his finger and rolls around like he got shot – it comes down to Chris (my favourite) vs. Zack K. and in the end it’s Zack K. and the blue team who are crowned the victors. Zack piggybacks Des out in a victory lap and both teams (Des insists) head to the victory party. Meanwhile, Brooks is passing out in the ER having his broken finger re-set and my god he’s one of those people that has ranked his worst paper cuts isn’t he?

At the victory COCKtail party (see what I did there), Brad (hand to god I said “Who’s that guy? He has a dumb face” out loud..at the screen…alone) is the first to pull Des aside because he’s DYING to tell her some super personal thing about himself. Turns out Brad has a 3-year old son named Maddox. Dude, you should’ve totally played that card week one – Des is super into kids!. It’s kind of sweet because Brad says he wouldn’t have come on the show if the Bachelorette was anyone but Desiree. Also, Brad’s baby mamma is a drunkie who accused him of domestic violence (the charges were dismissed). So now we know Brad.

Back at the Penis Pad, Kasey (#hashtagguy) receives the one-on-one date card. He’s #stoked.

Meanwhile, mortgage broker Chris is finally getting some camera time after hurling dodgeballs at people like a boss. And he uses his time wisely, bringing Desiree onto the roof for some PG-rated sexy time. Chris confesses he was skeptical before but seeing Des “in her own skin” during the dodgeball date really convinced him that he was here for the right reasons. Des counters that she was also noticing Chris during the group date, but I suspect it’s hard not to notice a guy who’s actually trying to be that good at dodgeball. Brooks returns and steals everyone’s thunder with his war wound and they quickly get to kissing. But a broken finger isn’t enough to earn the date rose, no ma’am. That goes to nice guy Chris, and he and Des get serenaded and dance while creepo Brandon spies from the rooftop. That’s sort of his thing.

The next day, Desiree is dreamily talking about how much she likes all her candidates and how awesome they are…and then she gets a call from Chris Harrison with some bizarre news. “I don’t want him to get away with this” we hear Chris say on the other end of the line. Chris Harrison is the LAW y’all. Des is pissed and she’s off to the Penis Pad to confront…someone. Kasey is told that Des needs to chat with Brian before they head out on their date. #drama #bitchplease

So Desiree and Brian sit outside and Des does a slow lead in, getting Brian to talk about his ‘past’ relationship. Inside, Chis Harrison arrives with a woman scorned. They make their way outside just in time to hear Brian say he’s “still friends” with his ex. Well that ‘ex’ is here bro. Stephanie (after a hug from Desiree) is greeted by Brian who can only say “oh jeeze”! Oh jeeze, indeed Brian, Oh jeeze, indeed.

Pretty and petite Stephanie immediately lays into Brian, saying: “Do you realize that this girl is looking for love? Looking for a husband. You think you’re capable of that?” She also insists Brian swore he wasn’t going to date anyone else. Brian is adamant that their relationship was “in the past”, but Stephanie insists that they’re “still together” and that he’s “lying on national television.” And oh fuck she has a SON. Brian’s not the dad but still. And apparently Brian told Stephanie he was on a business trip! Amazing. Brian is adamant that Stephanie is lying and that he’s “being attacked.” And then Stephanie spews a bunch of stuff that makes me think that maybe Brian is being attacked and maybe Stephanie is a stage five clinger crazy bitch but the reality is Brian was being shady and shouldn’t have auditioned for the show in the first place. Des sends him packing, with a security guy in tow to make sure he doesn’t linger. Des comforts Stephanie while Brian shoves a bunch of suits into a suitcase. And cut to me JUST NOW (on my 31^st birthday) realizing the origin of the word suitcase. Lord.

The remaining men are reeling, completely shocked and particularly disgusted by the fact that Brian would do this to a single mom with whom he’s been in a relationship. Brandon (feeler of so many feelings), in particular, is devastated and ugly cries recalling the men that dated his single mom but didn’t stick around (fear! of! abandonment!). The pressure is on Kasey to take Desiree’s mind off all of the drama. #mission

On their date, Kasey and Des are #handholding on Sunset and soon find themselves hundreds of feet in the air dangling off the side of a building. They are engaging in an activity known as bandaloop. Which is basically dancing sideways. Terrifyingly. Later that night they try and enjoy drinks (that keep blowing away) while almost being blown off the rooftop Wizard of Oz style, so to warm up they jump into a pool which seems counterproductive. Of all the times to NOT end up in a hot tub… Kasey tries to get a kiss but it’s just so cold and windy and crappy out and Des isn’t really feeling it but she gives Kasey a rose anyways and he’s just happy spending time with her. Sweet.

For the week’s second group date, James, Bryden, Dan, Zak W. and unsettling handsome Juan Pablo find themselves at a ranch where Desiree awaits dressed like a fancy prostitute in a Western movie. Only a headless person wouldn’t have picked up on the cowboy theme of the group date by this point. The stunt coordinator from the upcoming The Lone Ranger movie trains the dude bros in all things cowboy. Then each man takes a turn ‘saving’ Des from a ne’er do well which she LOVES. I pick up on this because she says “I love being rescued!!!!!!!!!!!” I don’t like read minds or anything guys. Dan (we all forgot about Dan right?) splits his pants getting up on his horse and Juan Pablo makes panties drop THROUGH THE TV and wins the challenge so him and Des walk off into the sunset (or to make out and watch the new The Lone Ranger movie which looks terrible). Let’s be honest, Juan Pablo could’ve set Des on fire and she probably still would’ve given him the prize. Also, he says it “popcorns” instead of “popcorn” and I want to have at least 3 of his kids. He makes me nervous and I’m not even in the same room as him (yet).

Later that evening, Desiree reunites with the other men from the cowboy group date but quickly pulls Bryden away for some smooching. That’s his reward for looking so hot in a cowboy uniform, apparently. Des feels that Bryden is a bit more reserved and doesn’t know when to make the moves, but when she gets the ball rolling he’s ‘on it’. When Zak W. gets some solo time with Des he is charming and flirty and confesses he tried to kiss her earlier in the day. They spend a lot of time laughing and chatting and it’s the only time I’ve ever liked Zak W. Switching gears, James tells Des that he’s struggling being away from his father who has pancreatitis. He basically asks Des if he’s actually a contender in this whole deal and Des gives him a rose so that’s a big yes! If he didn’t believe her yet, she really sealed the deal by pretty much lunging at him with her mouth.

The next day Chris Harrison makes a surprise visit to the Penis Pad and announces that Desiree is cancelling the typical pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party and instead they will have a pool party in the afternoon and just a rose ceremony that night. Daytime pressure! Ben hovers by the door (wearing a total douche canoe tank top – the same one Ryan wore on Emily’s season remember?) and pounces on Desiree before she can head inside to lure her away for a quick drive. When they return and a few of the men think they spot Ben in her car they are less than pleased, particularly Mikey who is livid when Ben claims to have not talked to Des that day. Lies and the lying liars who tell them. Ben is unapologetic because after all he’s not on a show called Let’s Make Friends. By the way, I’d totally watch that show if a Kardashian was on it. Brandon (ugh) sits down for a chat with Des and tells her that the roughly 30 seconds he’s known her have been the best days of his life or something and then he brings up Brian two-timing a single mom and gets choked up while Des tries not to look completely terrified. Then Brandon says – and my god I actually cringe writing this – that he’s falling in love with her. I shit you not. Then he rams his face into hers. TOO MUCH BRANDON. Too much. It’s week 3!!!!!!!! Desiree looks freaked.

Brandon says he’s “never felt so confident” going into a rose ceremony, so obviously he’s going home tonight (I hope). Desiree starts handing out roses and they go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks (survivor of traumatic finger injury), Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael, Mikey, and…..Ben.

Brandon (mouth agape in total shock) and Dan are sent packing. Dan is understandably bummed (though not dramatically so) but seems more concerned that Des is being ‘duped’ by Ben. Brandon, on the other hand, is “fucking blown away” that he’s being sent home AND that Ben is still there. Des tells Brandon in her best soothing please-don’t-stalk-me-now voice that he’s an “incredible person” but it just…wasn’t for her. Ha. He walks away and Des abruptly goes after him to apologize and explain that she needed to end things earlier rather than string him along when there was no chemistry. Brandon sighs: “Once again, somebody left me.” Oh crap, now I feel bad for the guy. I thought he was going to totally lose it on her but he was pretty composed. That limo driver is in for an earful of sad!

Until next week!

Talking Heads – This Must Be The Place

Simon and Garfunkel – Cecilia

Pixies – Here Comes Your Man

Fleetwood Mac – Everywhere

Bob Dylan – Like a Rolling Stone

Sam Cooke – Wonderful World

The Ronettes – Be My Baby

Creedence Clearwater Revival – Down On The Corner

Passion Pit – Little Secrets

The Isley Brothers – This Old Heart of Mine

Frightened Rabbit – The Twist

The Crystals – And Then He Kissed Me

I’m visiting my mom this weekend. We’ll  eat a lot of brie and she’ll pretend not to be annoyed when I insist on watching a Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon or something. My mom’s cool like that.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Here are some bits and pieces that made my week:

• Last Saturday, Doctor Who fans had the sads. Lead actor Matt Smith announced he was to leave the show following the next Christmas special. Boo. This post on Hello Giggles was kind of perfect.

• ….and then almost immediate speculation on who would replace him began. My choice would be this handsome fellow.

• The sweet story behind Before Sunrise.

• The 2013 ‘Dirty Dozen’.

• Stunning aerial views of London.

• This girl wins break-up letters.

• On spoilers. (Thanks H!)

• Well played, Shoppers Drug Mart.

• I always look forward to Toronto Life‘s Reasons to Love Toronto list and this year’s didn’t disappoint. It always reignites my love for this (mostly) awesome city. Now if we could just get rid of the mayor……

• I can’t wait to see This Is The End but I had no idea Jonah Hill was this much of a douche, and he’s kind of ruining it for me.

xo

I can’t wait for it to come back this summer. Get here faster, July 14!

Growing up, I envisioned myself working in a busy news room like the one portrayed on the show, but by the time I was graduating high school it was all ‘journalism is dying!’. Instead, I went into PR, which in many ways is the flip side of journalism. After a few years of doing PR at a busy corporate law firm, I transitioned into marketing and business development so I could focus more on writing (and deal with fewer crises!). But I digress.

To tide myself over, I’ve been scouring deleted scenes from season one on youtube and came across this one that I can’t stop watching. Amazingness.

We start the episode with host Chris Harrison ushering the Penis Parade into their new digs, and applause thunders when they learn they will be getting a visit from Des. The first solo date goes to Brooks (what a bullshit name), who’s super pumped to spend some one-on-one time with a “ball of mystery”. Meanwhile at the Princess Pad, Desiree is sketching something and then gets ready for her date. Is this going to be a thing? Des sitting around sketching all the time? Because if you were to put a camera in my apartment to capture my down time you’d be physically startled at what you’d see: me drinking red wine out of a plastic cup (too busy for dishes), slamming down a hot pocket (or 4) and wearing Lululemon pants to appear athletic while reading articles about workouts I’ll never try in real life. THAT’S REAL LIFE.

For their date, Des and Brooks head to a bridal boutique, where Brooks outfits himself in something from Dumb and Dumber. It’s leprechaun green, and I’d be willing to bet that Des WILL get his lucky charms. She tries on a bunch of wedding dresses, but apparently it’s only a little awkward because she is a wedding dress designer after all. Clad in a wedding dress and tux, they drive to a cupcake truck where Des is molested by a female fan and then fed a cupcake by Brooks. Afterwards, the duo takes a scenic drive to the Hollywood sign and then sit on it; more specifically, on one of the “L’s”. With the sun setting, Des talks about coming into LA to go to school and Brooks talks about having his heart broken in the past and his willingness to take another risk. Typical Bachelorette banter. The music swells, they kiss. I’m bored.

Later, Desiree pretends to get them lost in a sketchy area of LA (we can tell it’s sketchy because Brooks says there is graffiti – bone chilling!), but really they end up on some closed-off bridge with purple chandeliers and a dinner set up. Brooks gets a bit emotional when Des questions him about his parents’ divorce. He gives some stock answer but basically something went down with his dad. Desiree gives Brooks a rose, thus ensuring he will stick around for another “magical” week. But wait – there’s more! Some band I’ve never heard of (seriously, who are these Bachelor/Bachelorette bands??!!!) called Andy Grammer (?) serenades the smooching couple.

The next day, Desiree ventures out onto her first group date. The men folk arrive at a mansion and spot a few luxury cars on the grounds. Des announces that they’re going to star in their own rap video. Groan. Soulja Boy strolls out and it’s clear that this shit is going to get real. [P.S. Soulja Boy’s real name? DeAndre Cortez Way. Love.] The men start free styling some lyrics at varying degrees of success. Soulja picks his main crew – Brandon, Michael G, Ben and James – and they’re off to prepare a video for a song called ‘Right Reasons” or some nonsense. As in ‘we’re here for the right reasons’. The other dudes have been relegated to back-up dancers, and a choreographer named Kance runs them through some routines. Oh the horror! Clearly these men were not selected for the show based on their dancing prowess. As the main crew begin reading the lyrics to the rap, they quickly realize that the song is a nod to former Bachelorette contestants who demonstrated devious, weird and just plain embarrassing behaviour. Clever producers.

Desiree returns in a cropped denim top and denim short shorts and starts shooting the video with different guys, starting with Ben which makes the other dudes a tad jealous. At one point she comments she’s “glad to see that looks and personality can combine” when it comes to her potential future husbands/contestants. Brandon is fretting about his scene and having to jiggle his junk in front of Des. He flubs lines like it’s his job. I think my favourite part is that they have to blur out his, erm….area… because it’s too hot for tv or something.

After the rap video shoot, it’s time for Des and her dudes to drink. Hallelujah! Zak is the first to score some coveted private time. He admits to being a bit of a douche on the first night but somewhat redeems himself from the whole shirtless spectacle when he presents Des with an antique blank journal that has an inscription from a father to his daughter. ‘A’ for effort, Zak. Des strikes me as the journaling type. Lots of feelings and doodles, you know. Zak really doesn’t want Desiree to see him as the shirtless clown. And it seems to be working.

Brandon, meanwhile, really wishes everyone would stop caring about the rose and just ‘be themselves’ and chillax already. He throws in a butterfly reference somewhere in there that makes zero sense but his dumb face is kind of appealing so I let it slide. Ben is also gunning hard for a rose, and is rubbing some of the other men the wrong way in the process. He interrupts Mikey’s chat with Des (Mikey: “Oh what have we got here?”) and is rewarded for his douchebaggery by scoring his first kiss with Des after getting permission (Ben: If you don’t mind”). Brandon – perched like a gargoyle atop the house – is totally gutted when he spots them kissing. Devastated.

Michael G. (he’s a FEDERAL PROSECUTOR???!!!) scores points with Des by talking about how much he respects the women in his life. Yawn. Mikey decides to ‘clear the air’ by telling Ben the gets a ‘politician vibe’ from him. Mikey claims that Ben is a different dude (re: nicer) when the cameras are rolling. Ben handles himself really well and they seem to hash it out.

Back at the Penis Pad, a date card arrives for Bryden. Oh, hello mortgage broker Chris. Though you’re barely a part of this scene, I see you. I SEE YOU.

And we’re back on the group date where Brandon is feeling a lot of feelings. A lot. He finally grows a pair and pulls Des aside for a solo chat where he launches into his family history (dad ran away, mom was a drug addict, he basically raised his siblings), and then sells himself to Des as the potential perfect husband and father. Here’s my issue: Brandon seems like a decent dude but when people pour out their whole life story so early on it strikes me as a teensy bit manipulative. Like he’s trying too hard to form an insta-bond by basically shouting MY LIFE WAS HARD TOO directly into Desiree’s mouth. Ben is awarded with the date rose, and this is met with crickets. “Welcome to group date!” chirps Desiree.

The next day Desiree and Bryden venture out on their one-on-one date and it’s a road trip. Last week I commented that Bryden seemed a bit generic, but here was a definite instant attraction there. Also, I think he looks a bit like Desiree’s brother…just me? The duo pit stop for snacks (genius!) and talk about how awesome California is. The scenery! The ocean! First stop: Matador Beach. There’s kite flying and frolicking. At one point Des yells “I’m the Queen of the world” and somewhere James Cameron is doing a face plant.

They head further North to Orange Grove and do some orange picking and Desiree has to explain what brie is. I literally stopped breathing. HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW WHAT BRIE IS? HE LIVES IN THE WORLD, RIGHT? Gawd. I think if I’d been on that date I would’ve literally stood up, pointed at him, said ‘NOT OKAY’ and stormed off.

Later Desiree and Bryden enjoy a nice outdoor candlelit dinner in Ojai where Bryden reveals he was in a horrible accident in college and was “pretty messed up for awhile” and oh good there are pictures. Seriously, he busts out pictures of the accident and him in the hospital. Well, on the bright side his accident motivated him to join the army (a dream of his) and he did that after he got all better.

Oh it just hit me – Bryden looks a little like Aidan from Sex and the City? Similar mouth? Just me?

Bryden kinda looks like Aidan, no?

Anyhoodle. Bryden wasn’t ready for a relationship before and used the army as a scapegoat but those days are over. He’s ready to share something with somebody, y’all. Bryden gets the date rose. Hooray! Then it’s the cliché late night swim surrounded by candles. After what seems like FOREVER (seriously….FOREVER) they finally kiss. And I’m pretty sure it only happens because Desiree says “Just kiss me already!” Ha. I like her gumption.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail and cockblock, Desiree arrives and announces that all the men look “adorable”. I can practically hear their penises deflating. She’s had an “amazing week” and feels like the “luckiest girl ever.” Michael G. scores some early one-on-one time and tells Des that he has diabetes. His moment is short-lived, however, because Ben swoops in to steal Des away. Oh and he already has a rose so the other men are incensed about the robbery. Ben and Desiree get to kissing outside, while inside the men are fuming.

When Ben heads back inside he’s confronted by a bunch of angry suits. Michael G. and Mikey, in particular, go off on him. Ben thinks they just don’t get it, and it’s a “dangerous form” of not getting it. Whatever that means. Some of the biggest Ben haters gather to chat about how Ben had mentioned the show benefiting business owners (he owns a bar and maybe could use The Bachelorette to expand to 5 bars?). While they’re chin-wagging, Brian carries Desiree over to the couch to get “more serious” with her. Desiree asks him about previous relationships. Brian confesses that his most recent relationship ended a few months prior but probably should have been over earlier than that. He also says he comes from a divorce-free family and reminds Des that she’s ‘in the driver’s seat’.

Chris Harrison arrives to break up the party and Des starts the rose ceremony by saying that so many of the men are “husband material.”

James, Kasey (#hewasinvisiblethisweek), Dan (didn’t even remember there was a Dan), Juan Pablo (meow), Brad (is he new?), Chris, Brian, Zak. W., Drew, Mikey, Zack K., Michael G. and lastly Brandon (who looked about ready to shit himself) receive roses.

Alas, Robert, Nick M. and Will are sent packing. Damn. I liked Robert. And Will managed not to high five her upon leaving. That kind of restraint could’ve served him better in week one. Sayonara, dudes.

Desiree reiterates how lucky she is and toasts to the “Right Reasons!”.

Until next week!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

Here are some bits and pieces that made my week.

xo

• Summer beers.

• And on the flip side, here are some tips to eat healthier this summer.

• Hahaha. FOMO: the movie.

• Cute overload. You’re welcome.

• All of my faves, in one place.

• Tweet of the week.

“Have you ever looked at someone and just KNOWN they went to a Christian university? That guy, look. His teeth look soooo religious.”

“According to every show EVER on A&E, arsenic was *the* poison of choice for women named Dawn murdering their husbands in 1989.”

“On a scale of ’1′ to ‘Dear God woman put those things away’ – how much side boob is this dress showing?”

“All that’s in my fridge right now is an empty Brita water filter, two kinds of mustard, and on onion of questionable origin.”