Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week one of Desiree Hartsock’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 27, 2013).
Time to bust out the wine and snacks and settle in for a summer of drama, tears, and over-the-top dates. That’s right friends: The Bachelorette is back. It’s been 3 months since Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine rode off into the sunset on an elephant. True story. My how time flies. The After the Final Rose special announced that Desiree Hartsock from Sean’s season would be the next Bachelorette and my was I excited! You may recall that Desiree was sent packing during the hometown dates after a tense exchange between Sean and her brother. But now Desiree is back and looking for love. On TV. Yup.
And here we go.
We start off with a little sneak peak at the season ahead and it looks like there’s going to be the predictable amount of tears, tension and bikinis. Desiree rolls up to her temporary crash pad to find host Chris Harrison waiting for her. She tours the luxe Malibu house and LITERALLY ROLLS AROUND ON THE BED while a teary voiceover reminds us that she was raised poor y’all. But her family was rich on love. Speaking of love, Desiree admits she really thought her and Sean would end up together and she was devastated when he sent her home. But she’s feeling optimistic and gosh darn it she’s adorable. Desiree heads out for a ride in a blue Bentley and then our eyes are assaulted with the cheesiest montage of Des that consists of her:
1) Roller skating on the boardwalk in knee socks, short shorts and a bikini top (while everyone around her is wearing jeans and parkas)
2) Trying on cowboy hats that only strippers would buy
3) Watching seagulls soar over the ocean waves
4) Sketching palm trees
5) Feeding seagulls on the beach and then screaming at them
Powerful stuff, folks.
Desiree and Chris sit down to chat in advance of the evening menfolk arrival and she mentions feeling like Cinderella. Twice. If you’re keeping count, that’s three Cinderella mentions so far this episode. Des is looking for someone to cuddle and communicate with. Chris asks her if she has any rules as far as kissing on the show. Des confirms she has no rules and is looking forward to weeding out the men from the boys. She’s off to ho up for the limo arrivals.
Following Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition, we are treated to a segment highlighting a few of the bros on Desiree’s roster. Here’s a sampling:
Bryden: The army guy from Missouri with the beautiful dog and an almost jarring lack of personality.
Will: The yoga enthusiast and banker from Chicago who gets his jollies by forcing strangers on the street to high five him.
Drew: The digital marketer from Arizona with the heart-tugging family story and a pubescent cracking voice.
Nick R: The tailor and “professional magician” (vomit) from Chicago. Time to make your side job disappear, bro.
Zak W.: The Drilling Fluid Engineer (sounds made up) from Texas who’s allergic to the letter ‘c’ and clothes.
Robert: The entrepreneur sign spinner who resides in Los Angeles and is basically this season’s Jef Holm. He uses the phrase “All signs point to love” so already I want to punch him in the taint.
Mike R.: The dental student from Texas with the frat boy/date rapist smile and manicured hands.
Brandon: The painting contractor and ‘adrenaline junkie’ who resides in California but is originally from Minneapolis who really, REALLY, likes the outdoors and had a tough childhood.
Wearing a slinky silver sheath, Desiree awaits the firs crop of dudes in the Penis Parade. Drew is first out of the limo and he practically dry humps Desiree’s leg. It’s a stream of capped teeth, tight hugs, expensive suits, and ‘you look amazing’s. Another standout (not in a good way) is Kasey, the social media guy who hashtags (it’s a verb now) all over Desiree (#theperfectbachelorette, #marriagematerial, you get the gist). Will high fives her (groan) and nicknames her Athena. So he’s probably going home tonight. Lawyer Jonathan presents Des with an invite to the Fantasy Suite (too soon dude!), and Zak W. arrives shirtless to ask if she will “accept these abs”. Larry, the world’s most awkward ER doctor, effs up her dress in a failed attempt at a romantic dance dip. Nick R. busts out a magic trick that goes over surprisingly well and not at all creepy like I had imagined. Diogo arrives in a “try-hard” suit of armour (?!). Cutie Chris (my favourite of the night) pulls a proposal fake out. Former pro soccer player Juan Pablo gets out of the limo and vaginas across North America squealed in unison. Can’t really understand a word he’s saying but who cares. Nick M. reads the world’s crappiest poem. Token single dad Ben totes out his even cuter son Brody who wishes he could “go to the party”.
With the initial intros over and done with, Chris tells Des she can hand out roses whenever and to whomever, a la Sean Lowe. She enters the cocktail party and urges the men to be themselves.
Quick aside – it’s weird that the Bachelorette website lists the shoe sizes of the dudes, right?
Nick R. ‘makes Des disappear’ and wins the first bit of one-on-one time. Des immediately inquires (fearfully) as to whether the magician thing is full time but is reassured that it’s a night and weekend gig only. Ha. The men are aggressive in swooping in for their time with the beautiful Bachelorette. Brandon confesses he flipped a coin to go to the interview to be on the show (but it was actually his mom’s sobriety token?) and thinks he’s already met his future wife. Dad Ben and Des really hit it off (plus he has that cute kid thing going on) and she presents him with an impromptu rose. Jealousies quickly flare and perceived frontrunners are totally shit on. Zak W. is still allergic to wearing clothes and is deserted in the pool (but is later rewarded with a rose), Kasey shouts “hashtag streakage”, and other general shenanigans ensue. Army dude Bryden pulls Des aside and tells her a sweet story about a young boy he met while stationed in Iraq and gets a rose too. Hmm…I had originally dismissed Bryden as too boring/generic but Desiree seems genuinely smitten. Juan Pablo engages her in a quick (and handsome) game of soccer that turns into a group event. Drew (he has a touch of gay face, no?) also gets a rose after a cute and flirty couch session. Larry is creepy and a little pathetic. Douche face Jonathan is still hoping Des will change her mind about the Fantasy Suite invite. She doesn’t. He’s for sure going home. Don’t worry – he’ll be fine. His mom thinks he’s a catch. Jonathan goes for a THIRD try at luring Des to the Fantasy Suite (so…I guess it’s not a joke then) and she flat out says no and tells him he’s making her feel very uncomfortable and asks him to leave the house (Kasey: “hashtag fantasy suite fail”). One down.
Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce the start of the official first rose ceremony. Des goes off and the men practice their best ‘panic face’ poses.
Desiree tells the men they exceeded her expectations before sending home the uggos and creepos. I’m surprised that high-fiving Will is given a rose and just mostly disappointed that Kasey sticks around too (#colourmesurprised). The final rose goes to kinda cute in a Jersey Shore way Mikey T.
The men sent home are: knight in not-so-shining armour (but total sweetheart) Diogo, dental student Mike R., barely seen Micah, sad ER doc Larry and magician Nick R. (she didn’t care for his bag of tricks so she made him disappear – the jokes write themselves, friends).
Until next week!