RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Four

27 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 26, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We kick off this week with host Chris Harrison addressing the women who are all in their day makeup (meaning fewer false eyelashes). He reveals that this week there will be two group dates and a highly coveted one-on-one date, the recipient of which will be selected by Chris’ three sisters. Knowing from the preview of this week’s show that there’s a Cinderella theme to that date, I have to assume that it was not the producers intention to insinuate that Chris’s sisters are, in fact, wicked. The first date card (“let’s do what feels natural”) is for Ashley S., Ashley I., Megan, Kaitlyn, Juelia, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie and Kelsey. This sends some of the woman into a panic, as they worry that they will have to embark on this date sans makeup. They speed off down the highway in red convertibles and end at a lake. Ashley I. seems allergic to buttoning up her shorts and later goes topless in the lake, prompting Kaitlyn to do the same. Kelsey isn’t super into the evolving nudity of this group date.

Back at the Chick Compound, there’s a knock on the door and Carly practically gallops across the living room to greet Chris’ sisters. Hard-bodied Jillian (with the perpetual ‘blurred’ out ass) has fallen asleep by the pool and is out of sorts for her first impression with the sisters, but I’m more distracted by Carly’s eyebrows which should have their own reality show (suggested title: ‘The Longing’ or perhaps even ‘Put down those tweezers!’). Britt admits to the sisters that she feels like the frontrunner when she’s with Chris. Bold! Jade is a website clothing model and also just launched her own line of organic makeup, and this seems to impress the sisters. Carly’s time with them involves a lot of tears: she admits she’s never had a dude treat her well in a relationship. She wants to date a man like her grandpa, evidently. Ultimately, Jade is awarded the golden date card and is told that (Prince) Chris won’t know who is showing up on their fantasy date. There’s a “strike of midnight” mention in there too, just in case it wasn’t clear that this date has a Cinderella theme. An emotional Jade says that “it’s just nice to be recognized” and chosen for this date by his sisters.

Back at the lake of sin, Chris has an announcement: the date is an overnight-er. They will be camping.

[Aside: the last time a dude mentioned going camping to me, I told him that if he wanted to murder me so badly he should save himself the gas money and just take a run at me in my apartment and let’s see who ends up alive. Not that I don’t like camping.*]

Kelsey is not pleased with this turn of events, and while giving her private interview she gets stung by a wasp. On the inner thigh. When it’s time to put up the tents, the brain trust known as Ashley I. and Mackenzie struggle with the poles (not a euphemism, though Ashley I. is a virgin). Kaitlyn and Chris get some quiet time to cultivate their “natural connection” and make out. He finds her impressive, and the perfect full moon ain’t shabby either. Kelsey is observed to be pouting while sitting around the fire. She lights up around Chris, however, but asks “are we seriously spending the night here?” The girls begin to comment on her ‘fake-ness,’ which is kind of a bummer: I had her pegged as a top four during week one. The whiskey starts flowing and Ashley S. brings out some nutty dance moves while Mackenzie starts with the alien talk (again). Apparently it’s the perfect place to be abducted and probed by extraterrestrials.

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve witnessed the bizarro antics of Ashley S. but they are back in full force. Her and Chris have some private time and she asks “what are you?” A Scorpio, apparently. To his credit, Chris tries SUPER hard to keep the conversation somewhat normal and on track, even when she says “I like, really love you, and I love everything about you.” I can almost hear the cartoon tire screeching sound in his brain. Make it stop. Please god make it stop. Later Ashley I. and her huge crush puts her mouth on his mouth forever, and she is looking more and more like a Kardashian as the weeks go by. A steamy make-out session isn’t enough to get her the group date card, however. That goes to Kaitlyn.

After everyone has gone off to bed, Ashley I. decides to kick things up a notch and she sneaks into Chris’ tent and confesses that not only has she never had sex, but she’s never had a boyfriend before. Chris tells her that he got the vibe that she’s a “smart, well-rounded girl.” Ashley I. is relieved that she has admitted these aspects about herself to a half-asleep Chris and demonstrated that she’s “wife material.” “He can ask about it, she says. “He can probe at that area if he wants later on.” Ah, classic double entendre. The next day the (un)happy campers return and learn that Jade will be going on the solo date with Chris. Ashley I. is supremely bummed that she wasn’t in play for the  Cinderella date because whenever she tells people about herself, the fact that she considers herself a Disney princess type comes up. As in, she actively describes herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess.” Obviously, Ashley I. has an asston of friends (cough).

Jade has a team assigned to her princess-ification, and she is presented with Neil Lane diamond earrings and fancy glass-adorned Louboutins to keep, eliciting (warranted) jealousy gasps from the other ladies. It’s all dresses and tiaras and then a 60 second promotion for the upcoming Cinderella movie, all overseen by a fairy godmother/stylist with neon pink hair and the world’s largest pair of glasses.

Jade is whisked away in a white Rolls Royce while Chris practises his ballroom dancing  in nervous anticipation of who his date will be. His face when he sees Jade is pretty priceless. He’s “extremely happy” that his sisters chose her. Sweet Jade admits that she got engaged very young but it didn’t work out, and Chris tells her that he too was engaged after a 7-year relationship that was long-distance in the end. He feels that he can really relate to Jade, and she speaks very well about transitioning from life to a small town then Omaha and now “lonely” Los Angeles. “The Princess thing works well for you, I’m not going to lie,” Chris says before presenting her with the date rose. He then leads her to a platform before a full orchestra so they can have their Disney-moment dance. At the stroke of midnight (groan), they share a kiss and Jade “has to go.” Meaning, she has to run down the stairs in Louboutins. That just seems cruel. “Hopefully, Jade and I’s fairytale becomes reality,” says Chris,

Meanwhile, Ashley I.’s bitterness about not being selected for the Cinderella date is palpable. She is decked out in a dress she specifically bought for a Princess-themed date. It’s decidely less Princess Jasmine and more Cinderella-looking than her previous gowns. “Prince Farming decided to go on a Princess date with some other girl,” she grumbles. She comforts herself by eating corn on the cob by herself in the living room. Hey, that kind of sounds like my dream date scenario.

Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca are to be on the next group date. Just outside the house they find large boxes with their names on them, full of wedding dresses. Jillian isn’t a fan, and would rather be hiking or doing something decidedly less “girly.” After disembarking a private jet in San Francisco, the wedding dress-clad bunch find themselves at a muddy obstacle course that raises funds for Multiple Sclerosis. The ‘bride’ who wins ‘muckfest’ goes on to a private date with our Bachelor. The race begins and Becca is almost thwarted by the “big balls swinging” in her face. Carly gives up at the big balls because she’s “offended.” Miss ‘in it to win it’ Jillian is the easy victor, despite not having lifted weights in four whole weeks. Her and BFF Britt have a cute moment at the end of the course, where Britt spits from exertion and then tops it off with a cute pose. Later that evening, Becca comments that Jillian beat them so badly that she deserved two dates.

Chris and Jillian clean up and head to a rooftop patio for champagne and the standard untouched dinner. Seriously, no one ever eats the food. I’m surprised more people don’t pass out from hunger on this show. In his private interview, Chris says that purely based on quick physical attraction and first impressions, he would’ve predicted that Jillian would be “top three.” Things get a little treacherous when Chris asks her where she sees herself in five years. Jillian hates when people ask her about the future. Instead, she wants to talk about training and fitness competitions and sponsorships. My oh my she talks fast, and Chris is visibly overwhelmed. He visualizes unicorns and dancing fairies. Never a good sign. The date goes downhill from there, with Chris commenting in his private interview that they don’t have much of a romantic connection, it turns out. He clearly prefers a slightly more..genteel…girl. And one who speaks decidedly slower I bet. I like Jillian’s sass and passion for fitness but she could’ve sworn a bit less on this date. She’s feeling confident about heading back to the house later to gloat about her date but that won’t be happening because Chris opts to send Jillian home instead. “Maybe our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other,” he stutters. He adds that he doesn’t feel a connection in his gut. “I’m sorry I couldn’t share my heart with you,” says a tearful Jillian. She’s sent off in the Sad Gal limo.

The gals are shocked by the departure of Jillian, and see this as a signal to step up their game, as Chris isn’t hesitant to thin the potential wife herd. Megan pulls Chris aside from some blindfolded fruit tasting, and Ashley I. wants to drive it home to Chris that she’s a virgin. She’s exhausting. Chris is visibly surprised. Clearly he was half asleep during the camping confessional and didn’t pick up what she was putting down that night. She runs to Mackenzie to discuss, and now she’s in a tizzy because she thinks she’s maybe now coming off as “too innocent” and that’s why Chris wouldn’t kiss her during their chat. May I offer an alternate theory? Maybe it’s because you’re like an emotional Bosnia every week. She seems like…a lot of work.

So it turns out there are two virgins in the Bachelor house: Becca spills the beans on her sexual status. I recall that during the first episode, host Chris Harrison said that a virgin would be spending the night in a Fantasy Suite. I had assumed a second virgin would be revealed, as I didn’t see Ashley I. making it that far. So it’s a fairly safe bet that unless a third virgin emerges (for some reason I thought perhaps Britt would turn out to be a virgin as well), Becca will be going quite far in this ‘journey.’

Early frontrunner Britt pulls Chris aside and she’s feeling less solid in their connection. She is perturbed that Chris awarded a date rose to Kaitlyn after she shed her bikini top on a group date, because she wants to know “why those actions and behaviours are being validated.” This obviously resonates with Chris, but perhaps not in the way Britt had hoped. Honestly? He seems annoyed, but he recovers and thanks Britt for her honesty. He presumably immediately heads back in the house to make a speech, but it could just be the editing. Either way, Chris addresses his harem and says the following: “I’m here to find a wife, and if any of you question that you’re more than welcome to go home…if you feel that I’m not here for the right intentions. I will see you all at the rose ceremony.” Gauntlet thrown.

Lucky for Britt, her failed attempt to mask jealousy as moral concern doesn’t spell the end of the road for her. Once the rose dust settles, Nikki (practically invisible this whole run), Ashley S. and Juelia are the ones being sent home this week. Ashley S. walks out with no incident, but Chris asks to walk Juelia out. He super respects what she went through (her baby’s father killed himself) and doesn’t want to waste her time. “You deserve the best,” he assures her. They share a sweet goodbye. Oh snap, during the credits (which I usually don’t bother to watch) Ashley S. and her crazy eyes announces that she feels nothing. “I have no feelings.” Ok then.

Until next week!


*I don’t like camping.

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Three

20 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 19, 2015).

Cue the ominous music – a certain fella by the name of Jimmy Kimmel is creeping through the grounds of Chris’s Bachelor Pad and it’s time to wake up and “start an amazing journey together.” He greets his “sister wives” and host Chris Harrison announces that Jimmy will be guest co-hosting this week and even planning some dates, starting with a date for Kaitlyn and Chris at…Costco. Ah, a man after my own heart. I LOVE COSTCO SO HARD. Where else can I buy a box of 48 taquitos, 150 pencils, a barrel of olives and the latest Dr. Phil hardcover? Nowhere. That’s where. Kaitlyn and Chris set about shopping as per Jimmy’s instructions, in preparation for a dinner they will cook later that evening. Shenanigans ensue, including rolling around in a giant plastic blue ball (not a euphemism for blue balls, I hope) and buying office chairs. Later they cook up some steaks and hang out in the kitchen being super cute together. Kaitlyn and Chris conclude that normal is where it’s at and helicopters and over-the-top dates are so last week (literally). Also, they joke about the fact that she laughs like a dude while he laughs like a chick (true story). This duo seems super at ease with each other. Jimmy arrives and pokes fun at Chris for having lipstick transfer on his face and Kaitlyn teasingly calls Jimmy a dick. Jimmy says marrying Kaitlyn would be like marrying “another guy” because she likes beef and whiskey, while she confesses that she’s into farmers and dated a cow farmer before. Over dinner, Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’d be pissed if her and Chris ended up together and she later found out he slept with other women in the Fantasy Suite. Her answer?: Nah. “Canadians are the best!” declares Jimmy, and then urges Chris to bang e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. A few threesome jokes and lots of laughs later, this date is clearly a winner. The best is when Jimmy totally rags on Chris’ speech-making abilities while he’s presenting Kaitlyn with the date rose, – “Are there people on the farm or just animals?” – and makes him start over. The shot later of Chris and Kaitlyn making out in a hot tub while Jimmy sits two feet away eating chicken wings and staring at them made me pee a little, I’m not going to lie.

Back at the Chick Compound, the group date card arrives for Becca, Kelsey, Amber, Britt, Jillian, Tracy, Mackenzie, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly.

Oh and there’s an “Amazing jar’, where one has to put in a dollar every time they say the painfully overused word. That jar is almost full already.

Jillian is little Miss Muscular and “in it to win it.” Her pre-date ritual consists of an ass ton of squats. Just wailing on that ass. Jimmy addresses the ladies on the group date and announces that they are on a Hoedown Throwdown date. Corn shucking, “erotic” goat milking, something about eggs, etc. These ladies have to be down for life on the farm after all. I like how they keep blurring Jillian’s ass like it’s THAT out of control. Oh my god it might actually be THAT out of control. Cut to me slow clapping. To her relief, Amber is eliminated before the milk drinking part which she’s happy about because it was apparently “salty and warm” and to quote Amber: “That’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” Boom.

In the end, Carly is the “winner” and gets a blue ribbon and some alone time with Chris during a photoshoot re-creation of the famous American Gothic painting. Later she gets “in the game” when she pulls Chris aside and plants one on him. He then makes out with Amber and Jillian in quick succession. Mackenzie calls him on it and it is super awkward and never has she sounded more like a 21 year old. We finally see Becca and Chris chat and they say bye with a hug. But don’t let that lack of kissing fool ya, Becca scores the date rose! Chris was totes smitten with her during the limo exits in week one, but she hasn’t had much screen time since.

The next solo date card arrives and it’s for a very relived (and still slightly cartoon-voiced) Whitney. This date is the polar opposite of a Hoedown and takes place in Heaven. Also known as a winery. Whitney launches right into a “what are you looking for?” chat and apparently it’s a woman who can “roll the cob.” I like that. The pair notice a wedding taking place nearby and Whitney suggests they should crash it. After getting fancy dressed and picking up a gift, Chris and Whitney attempt to go incognito at a wedding for some couple named Nick and Shannon who, after the airing of this episode, are about to have about 15,000 new Facebook friends, while Bachelor producers wander about trying to stealthily film their wedding crashing on their cell phones. They chat with the bride’s sisters and mother and Whitney totally “rolls with the cob.” Translation: Lies a lot. And does it well. They even take to the dance floor where Chris pulls out some fun dance moves including the ‘shopping cart,’ and the ‘make out during a slow dance.’ Sadly, Whitney doesn’t catch the bouquet, but she does snag the date rose. In his private interview, Chris says he can “absolutely” imagine Whitney being his wife. Wow! He is REALLY into wedding crashing.

Chris claims he’s not just here to “shower with Jimmy Kimmel” but that gives me the sads because the scene with them soaping each other’s backs in Chris’ outdoor shower is one I won’t forget for days. Ok, months. A now squeaky-clean Jimmy lets the women know that there will be no traditional cocktail party that night and instead there will be a daytime pool party, much to the dismay of Ashley I. who is devastated that she won’t be able to bust out her “Kardashian look.” Juelia tells Chris she “doesn’t care about material things” and “treasures people more” as a result of her former husband’s suicide shortly after she gave birth. He handles her emotional breakdown super well and barely seems to notice her insistence on wearing a jewelled headband to a pool party. Also at this point I’m convinced that someone on set is the designated “tissue holder”. Like, that’s their job. To walk around with tissues at the ready for these moments. I wonder if that job comes with a good dental plan.

Britt and Chris have a tête-à-tête. No, literally, they can barely keep their faces apart. Next, Jade steps up to the proverbial place and asks Chris for a tour of his living quarters. Jade, like, really, like, just wanted some time to, like, get to know Chris better. Amidst a lot of weird giggling she jumps (literally) into bed with Chris where they proceed to make out, and Chris labels it a “good idea.” Meanwhile, Jillian is waiting out in his hot tub and witnesses Chris and Jade quasi sneaking out of his place. Unfazed, Jillian and Chris get some make out time of their own before Ashley I., Mackenzie and Megan crash their hot tub party. Ashley I. is quickly becoming unhinged and upset at her lack of alone time with the Bachelor and she walks off in a bit of a huff, tossing her plastic (wine?) cup in the process. Chris shows up at the house and she practically rips his arm off dragging him upstairs to a a rooftop deck for private time. She laugh-cries her confession to Chris that she’s a “little upset,” but he makes her feel all better and then she kisses him super hard, almost causing both of them to fall of the roof. Seriously, he just prevented them from tumbling off a roof by grabbing onto a ledge.

Before handing out the roses, Chris sits down with Jimmy Kimmel who gives him this sage advice: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” CAN JIMMY KIMMEL HOST EVERYTHING PLEASE? This is the best episode of The Bachelor ever. Or should I say, the most AMAZING.

At the rose ceremony, those left without a rose and therefore off to the Sad Gal Limo are Trina, Tracy and Amber. No shockers there.

Until next week!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Two

13 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 2 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 12, 2015).

Picking up right where we left off last week, Bachelor Chris Soules and his slightly smaller harem are busy toasting to the Bachelor “journey” when rejected prospect Kimberly returns and asks to speak to Chris in private. She promptly starts crying and asks Chris for another chance. He bros down with host Chris Harrison and worries what kind of message it would send to the other women to allow Kimberly to return to the house. Chris addresses the other ladies and says that as he didn’t have time to chat with Kimberly during the cocktail party he has decided to accept her request to stick around. There are some decidedly mixed reactions from the ladies, though on the surface they mostly appear to be cool with it. I repeat: on the surface.

The next morning (I kind of hope they actually had a day to recover from the boozefest of night one – I’d need three days for my feet to stop hurting from wearing heels and I imagine some of those fake eyelashes were tricky to get off), Chris Harrison arrives at the Chick Compound to whip the ladies into a hormonal frenzy. He announces that dates are starting today (duh) and that the Bachelor himself is living just a short walk away (cue the stalking) and taking a lot of outdoor showers apparently. Giddy up! The first group date card arrives (“show your country”!) for Mackenzie, Jade, Tandra, (the less crazy of the Ashley’s) Ashley I., (second-chance) Kimberly and (likely hung-over) Tara.

On the group date, Chris (in a half zipped-up hoodie with no shirt underneath – is this a thing now?) cutely re-introduces himself to a relieved Kimberly. Later, the women wander – bikini-clad – down the streets of Los Angeles and find themselves tits-to-tires with a bunch of tractors. What proceeds is the world’s slowest tractor “race,” which Ashley I. wins. She promptly sits on Chris’ lap (too soon?) and drinks wine or champagne or something that will hopefully help erase the memory of participating in a tractor race, in a bikini, in downtown LA. I bet there’s a specific roofie for that. He requests some alone time to continue the date with just “flattered” Mackenzie, and Tara enters a sadness spiral that even Jack Daniels can’t pull her out of. It’s sad y’all.

Meanwhile back at the house, Jillian (with her butt blurred out? I’m guessing she’s sporting a thong) and Megan sneak into Chris’ place (that didn’t take long) to try on his motorcycle helmet and slam their heads into things to check how well it works. I almost wish I was making this up. On a more serious note, the barely seen until now Juelia (not a typo) reveals that she has a daughter and her husband committed suicide.

Over dinner, a very young Mackenzie notices that Chris had his ears pierced at one point and basically says Chris has a big nose (more specifically: a “prominent” one). She then asks if he believes in aliens, which is a “red flag” for Chris “on a first date.” Mackenzie finally manages to sputter out (between saying “like” a bunch of times) that she has a son (lest we forget: Kale). She imitates Kale and shows off pictures of her cutie. Because he sees something in her that’s “genuine,” Chris presents Mackenzie with the date rose. Hope you’re cool with having your honeymoon at Area 51 buddy. And for a girl’s name, how about quinoa? You’re welcome.

The first solo date card arrives for a thrilled Megan, who thinks it’s a love note not a date card. She is quickly schooled by the other women, who manage to suppress hard eye rolls. Chris arrives to pick her up and a giggly throng awaits him. After holding hands for a million years they arrive in Las Vegas to take a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon, where they stop for a picnic lunch. Chris toasts to the “most beautiful blue eyes in North America” and Megan can’t believe she’s on this “journey”. Megan tells Chris that her boss convinced her to audition for the show but her dad passed away shortly after her audition which made her second-guess her decision to come on the show. At the prodding of her mother, she decided to go forward with it and “take a leap of faith”. They kiss, she accepts his rose, the usual. It makes me so sad when she says that this was the best day of her life because clearly she’s never eaten 3 McLobsters while watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon and ordering a bunch of Young Adult books off Amazon while wearing a promotional t-shirt from a strip club.

The next (slightly morbid-sounding) group date card arrives for Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca (who I suspect will be final four based on being one of his favourites during the limo exit but barely shown since), Amber, (crazy Ashley) Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn and (early front-runner) Britt. The ladies are driven out to some murder-y location. Big shout out to the Bachelor producer who added the super cheesy wolf howl sound effects, in case we didn’t realize this date is intended to scare the extensions right off the heads of these ladies. Chris arrives and is greeted by a car full of screaming women. Cute! Then the group is off to a zombie hunt on some set that to me looks a lot like Detroit at night. It’s basically paintball with lipstick and uptalking. Chris finds it all very “sexy.” Ashley S. and her crazy eyes are excited at the prospect of shooting..anything.

While Ashley S. is eerily strolling through zombie territory and staring at candles calling them “angels,” back at the Chick Compound some of the girls are unwinding with face masks while Jordan is a hot drunk mess who’s making fun of Jillian’s (allegedly) hairy but super toned ass.

Back on the group date, Chris and Kaitlyn (oh she’s Canadian!) are bonding. She may have made some off-putting jokes in week one but her free-spirit and sense of humour are big pluses for Chris, and they kiss. Upon returning from time with Kaitlyn, Chris and Ashley S. pair up and she asks him to hide. Moments before, she was attempting to chat with the ladies by repeating “boom” and “find your truth” and they all looked, frankly, terrified. Ashley S. asks Chris about his fears and when he tries to answer she cuts him off by practically shouting “ARE WE IN A DOME?” at him. While Chris is filming his private on-camera interview where he’s addressing Ashley S.’s odd behaviour, she interrupts him and tells him his leather jacket smells good. Then she says “you don’t want to lose the whole world.” Oh shit this is getting legitimately uncomfortable. She thanks a camera man and wanders off. I can’t even. To his credit, Chris handles it all super well. Luckily, Britt comes along and Chris is visibly happy to hang out with her. They’re super cute if a little intense, and Chris gives her a ‘Free Kiss from Chris’ coupon. Nice call back to week one, pal! They make out for days, but ultimately Chris gives the date rose to Kaitlyn.

During the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Whitney is the first to pull Chris away and she has the perfect mini date planned – drinking whiskey by the fire. It’s pretty cute, and her voice sounds way less cartoon-y. Meanwhile it’s confession time over on the couch: Disney princess-looking Ashley I.  with the great eyebrows and a penchant for crop tops tells single mom Mackenzie that she’s a virgin. To Mackenzie, Ashley I. is a triple threat: super pretty, good personality and a virgin. Her jealousy is both verbally expressed and physically palpable.

When she gets some time with Chris, Ashley I. offers him three wishes from her bellybutton. His first wish is a kiss (original!) and they really go to town. With an audience. The women inside the house get an eyeful out the window. This sends Britt into tears, because she feels like Chris is her boyfriend.

Amber is “on cloud 9” after kissing Chris and a very enthusiastic (read: drunk as a skunk) Jordan just wants to make out. Step 1: put on lipstick. Step 2: interrupt Chris talking to Juelia. Step 3: Go in for the kill – oh wait Chris isn’t into it. At all. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. Too bad, Jordan seems fun and she’s super cute in a Kate Hudson way.

Time for the rose ceremony. After a stumble from hard-bodied Jillian (who took a dive after mistakenly hearing her name called to collect a rose), the girls sent packing are: Jordan, Alissa, Tara, Tandra and Kimberly (this time it sticks, despite her cute face and yoga instructor body). In case you’re keeping track, Ashley S. made it through another week. T.h.e fuck?

Until next week!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week One

6 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 1 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 5, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers. It seems like just yesterday we were watching Nick act like a complete suck bag of humanity on the ‘After the Final Rose’ special after learning that sassy and beautiful Assistant District Attorney Andi Dorfman picked former baseball player Josh to be her fella.

We’re promised a Bachelor season premier like we’ve never seen before. Evidently the Bachelor producers are under the impression that everyone with a vagina in North America has experienced a collective loss of memory. Uh guys, I really think by this point we know the drill: a montage of our Bachelor/Bachelorette in tight shirts/a bikini flashing a wall of perfect white teeth, waxing poetic on love, pumping out some version of “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” and gazing out at the ocean/corn field/forest. Turns out the ‘like we’ve never seen before’ is a live red carpet premiere event in Hollywood. I’m guessing somewhere near the corner of Desperation Ave. and Journey Blvd. And my first supressed vomit occurs early on: we’re referring to our Bachelor Chris Soules as Prince Farming? I…can’t.

We’re promised virgins! and widows! and a famous talk show host who will, at some point, fill in for host Chris Harrison! Oh my.

So let’s meet Chris Soules whom I will probably refer to frequently as Farmer Chris. Chris is 33, blonde, generically appealing, and a bit of a clenched-jaw talker. I described him as having a face made of yawns for most of the season until he got Andi’s attention with some ‘Secret Admirer’ antics and sorta re-enacted that pottery wheel scene from Ghost. It wasn’t enough to win Andi over though. And at that point, the collective panties of viewers dropped and he was pretty much cemented as the next Bachelor. More about Chris: he’s a 4th generation farmer, he’s apparently rich as fuck, he drops the ubiquitous Bachelor/Bachelorette word “journey” 3 times in 10 minutes (best drinking game ever!) and he fulfills the producers’ #1 requirement of the next Bachelor: he’s not at all like Juan Pablo. God, remember Juan Pablo, the last Bachelor? #theworst. Oh and whoever Chris ends up with must love wine (according to his family) and living on a farm (not to be confused with a fun/lazy/nothing actually dies farm like the one in Farmville).

Aside: remember when everyone and their mother was playing Farmville on Facebook and you’d hear people talking about it on the street? I remember hearing so many idiots saying things like “maybe I’ll buy a farm.” Hahahaha. Good luck with that. I literally take 3 vitamins just to get out of bed in the morning, so I’m not fooling myself into thinking that waking up at 5 am is in any way fun.


At one point we see Chris shooting the shit at a local watering hole in Arlington, Iowa, with some farmers and one thing is painfully clear: there are no dateable women in Arlington. Just a bunch of dudes talking about rain and grain prices (oh, that gets me hot). And Chris wants to wife up. So a chance to meet 25 (30?) ladies at once? Sign him up. His pal Cody (also from Andi’s season) has been helping Chris buff up for TV. It looks exhausting. Luckily, Chris has a sweet sweet motorcycle to lean and relax on while wearing a leather jacket and gazing over his acres and acres of land, talking about SOULESmates. Get it? SOULESmates. Because his last name is Soules? (pats self on back). This is going to be a fun season. Not, like, actually fun to watch but fun for the puns, yo.

Back on the red carpet host Chris Harrison chats with Bachelor couple Sean and Catherine. Man, they love trotting out these two. I guess they have so few success stories that they’ll be interviewing them until they die. Chris Harrison will probably live tweet the funeral. Next it’s recently engaged Marcus and Lacey from Bachelor in Paradise. They got engaged after “dating” on an island for about 9 minutes and they’re getting married this summer. Sweet as pie Lacey says they’re “80/40” on the date and location for their wedding, so I’m sure she’s super busy with all those Mensa meetings and hasn’t had much time to plan. We also hear that Bachelorette Desiree and her chosen one/consolation prize Chris are tying the knot soon. So all is well.

Time to get to know a few of the ladies/contestants better:

Britt is a stunning waitress from Los Angeles who hasn’t felt a deep connection in, like, forever. Sidenote: she’s 27. She’s a big fan of backpacks from Urban Outfitters and she loves hiking. Initial thoughts: adorable but potentially a Stage 5 clinger.

Jillian is a news producer from Washington DC. She can dead lift more than a lot of guys she knows and has the thighs of a viking. Initial thoughts: Could be a contender. Could certainly take down her competition. Literally.

Ballet teacher Amanda is living la vida loca rent-free at her mom’s place. She hates cooking and cleaning and she has really big eyes. Initial thoughts: Cray cray. In a hilarious way.

Cartoon-voiced Whitney from Chicago is a fertility nurse. She’s been looking for love but can’t find someone who wants to just settle down already. Initial thoughts: Blonde, perky, sweet and a nurse to boot. Could be a contender. I don’t think I’d let her look inside me though.

Time for the token single mom – dental assistant Mackenzie and her son Kale (I can’t even). Initial thoughts: Get new friends Mac – they let you name your baby Kale. But adorable. Maybe a bit too young.

Alissa is a flight attendant from New Jersey who likes airline puns and awkwardly winking. She wants to “fly off into the sunset” with Chris. Initial thoughts: Despite the slightly pervy intro clip, she could be a contender.

Kelsey is a guidance counsellor from Texas. Lovely and poised, she’s also a widow (for 1 year and 4 months). Initial thoughts: Smart and well-spoken. My favourite so far.

Ridiculously attractive recent Bachelorette couple Andi and Josh are on the red carpet for a chat with Chris and confess that they haven’t even had time to start wedding planning. I’m guessing they’ve just been too wrapped saying “no, you’re prettier” to each other. Chris made it super far on Andi’s season. She’s thrilled that he’s the Bachelor and is confident that he can find a girl who can live life on the farm in Iowa. Next Chris speaks to the “winner” of Juan Pablo’s very controversial season, Nikki. It didn’t really feel like she won considering how much of an asshat Juan Pablo turned out to be. Nikki confirms what Bachelor Nation already knows: they be splitsville. Nikki speaks quite thoughtfully about their relationship and JP’s reluctance to express his feelings about Nikki on their finale aftershow. Nikki points to distance and non-compatible lifestyles as the reason for their breakup, and Chris never shuts up about how terrible JP was and what the heck did she see in him anyways?

UPDATE: According to TMZ, Andi and Josh have broken up. Just 3 days after showing up on the red carpet together!

Moving on and back to our Bachelor, Farmer Chris is trying on tight long-sleeved shirts and being fitted for suits and generally aw shucks-ing over being picked as the Bachelor. Oh thanks god, they found him a giant bale of hay to pose on for his official photo shoot. And here I was, worried they were going to overdo it on the farmer theme.

The first Giggle Limo arrives and to his credit Chris only looks slightly terrified. He knows there’ll be some crazy thundercunts in those limos but maybe his future wife too. And if all else fails: open bar, Chris. Open bar. Britt’s the first out of the limo, and she gives Chris the longest hug in recorded history. He thinks she’s beautiful, and she hands him a cute note for an IOU on a free hug later. Kelsey’s arrival is pretty cute, with her saying she’s “just a regular girl” and him countering that he’s “just a regular guy.” Donated tissue specialist Reegan brings a prop cooler, and cow girl Tara arrives in (too short) jean shorts that she has to pull out of her hush, but she quickly changes into a cocktail dress and re-introduces herself to Chris (earning a cute wink). Amanda turns the tables and doesn’t let Chris see her before she heads inside the house, thus becoming his secret admirer. Brooklyn-based hair stylist Ashley S puts a penny in Chris’ shoe, and Kaitlyn makes a plowing joke that leaves Chris speechless. Later when Chris enters the house (where 15 girls are lounging) she makes another bad sex joke involving a tight seal. I’ll spare you the rest. Britt pulls Chris aside early on for some one-on-one time and describes herself as a “safe haven.” She’s super cute but it’s a bit of overkill, especially when she talks about wanting to raise kids in a small town. There’s an almost kiss and definitely a connection there. Kelsey and Chris compare dimples, while the other women speculate on how many more will be arriving. Typically 25 women compete, but Chris Harrison has revealed to the live audience that there will be 30.

After a chat with big-eyed secret admirer Amanda (that’s what some of the other ladies have labelled her), Chris Harrison pulls Farmer Chris aside to tell him there are 15 more ladies en route.

And here come more limos! Wedding cake decorator Michelle calls Chris a “babe,” and he’s very obviously instantly smitten with bouncy Becca and her midnight blue sparkly dress. Tandra rolls in on a motorcycle which is awesome. Jordan (from Windsor, Ontario – holler Canada!) brings him whiskey and they pause for a drink, while WWE wrestler Brittany is wearing some sort of lingerie dress and totally steals my SOULESmates bit.

But wait…there’s more! Yet another limo arrives, bringing our tally up to the promised 30. Like, whoa. 30 women! I almost feel bad for the guy. Fourth grade teacher Tracy brings notes from her students and I kind of love her, and pretty brunette Jade definitely gets his attention. “If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will,” Farmer Chris tells host Chris. He enters the lions den full of mostly drunk women and admits he’s “overwhelmed.” Time to chat with the women a bit more.

Kaitlyn gives Chris a dance lesson, and despite her weird sex jokes Chris seems into her. No wonder he jokes about wishing he was a polygamist. He’s into a lot of the women! Plus-sized model Bo loves meat, while inside Ashley S. is starting to unravel. Perfect timing too, since some of the ladies are trying to figure out who the crazy one is. DING DING DING. She interrupts Chris and talks about onions and running through sunflower fields and riding horses and it’s a gigantic mess which is blessedly interrupted.

Tara’s on the hot mess express train too, and evidently she smells like whiskey. Predictably, the first impression rose goes to Britt, and Chris tells her that when he saw her he felt something he hasn’t felt in a long time. They’re so cute together and it’s only been 5 hours (so about 4 minutes in TV time). Chris is super smitten with Britt already, and they kiss.

At the rose ceremony, Tara starts to crumple, which is the polite way of saying that she could really use a pizza and a nap. She ends up getting a rose, along with Ashley S. Ultimately the women sent packing are: Reegan, Michelle, Nicole, Kara, Brittany, Amanda, Bo and Kimberly (who is none to pleased to be sent packing).

And that’s it for Chris Soules’ first night as The Bachelor. Until next week!







31 12 2014

I was on the subway this evening and found myself wedged into a doorway surrounded by a pack of already drunk girls in their early 20s. They engaged me in conversation (a common mistake) about their plans for New Year’s Eve. Having decided to forego the whole New Year’s shit show that engulfs Toronto each year (line-ups and cover at your local dive bar, no taxis, sidestepping puddles of puke) for a girls night of appetizers and tequila, I decided this was my moment to perhaps make a difference. While maintaining steady eye contact with the drunkest of the herd, I bestowed this bit of wisdom and advice:

“Ladies, just…make good decisions tonight. Please.”

One girl yawned. Another checked her phone. But I think I got to one of them. There was a glimmer of understanding in her heavily made-up eyes.

And thus with just a few hours left I (possibly) fulfilled one of my new year’s resolutions for 2014: be an abortion time cop for a complete stranger.

I’m basically an urban hero. You’re welcome, dads.


Bits & Pieces

19 12 2014

Happy merry (almost) Christmahanakwanzika or whatever!

I never feel like it’s truly the holiday season until I’ve wandered the Distillery Christmas market in Toronto with a hot chocolate and then promptly shoved a churro (or two) in my mouth. Hey, everyone has their own traditions, and mine happened this week so I’m all in baby. My Songza Christmas playlist is going at work and I had a candy cane for breakfast. Heaven.

Wishing you a very happy holiday season, and I’ll be back to posting in the new year.

Here are some bits and pieces that made my week.

  • Start every day psyched (without the use of methamphetamines). Lately I’ve been blasting Taylor Swift’s 1989 album and indulging in a solo kitchen dance party to chase away the dark morning winter blahs. It totally works.



18 12 2014


At the 1:25 mark, I never stopped laughing.


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