RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Eight

24 02 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 8 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 23, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We’re down to the final three women – Kaitlyn, Whitney and Becca. Chris and the ladies are in Bali, and this is the week of the overnight ‘Fantasy Suite’ dates.

His first date in Bali is with spunky Kaitlyn, and they head into a temple and participate in some spiritual customs (which include attempting to balance a basket/box on their heads). Bali is so beautiful but I can feel sympathy sweat trickling down my back just imaging how humid it must be there. Kaitlyn is looking to let her guard down with Chris, who seems remarkably comfortable in Indonesia given his small-town farm life in isolated Iowa. The language barrier works for him here, since he’s not that great with the whole talking thing anyways. It’s just a lot of smiles and stranger hugs and everyone’s best friends in 5 minutes. Chris and Kaitlyn wander the streets and stop for roadside beers. Why did the monkey cross the road? To hiss at Chris, apparently. The cute duo have a brief run-in with some feisty street monkeys. Later, a different(?) monkey pees on Chris while he feeds it a banana (I hate bananas, so I understand this reaction) and then they sit on a bench and make out for what seems like hours. Kaitlyn tells Chris that her family L.O.V.E.D him lots. “Every moment that I have with Chris is exciting,” Kaitlyn gushes. For the evening portion of their date, they stroll a candlelit path and make their way to a ‘dinner’ (no one ever eats) and basically engage in “no, you’re prettier” banter. Kaitlyn admits her guard is up but she wants very badly to “let it down.” Kaitlyn accepts Chris’ invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, where she admits that she is “completely falling in love” with Chris. Chris responds that he is falling in love with her as well. WHOA! Is he even allowed to say that?! Rule breaking farmer! Love it.

Chris and Whitney’s date on a boat starts its ‘journey’ by being steered into the dock by the Captain, who assures us that it’s all good by flashing a thumbs up. Ok buddy, You just crashed a boat into the thing you were specifically moving away from. Not inspiring total confidence. Over tons of wine, the couple explore the Indian Ocean. Whitney lets Chris know that her sister Kimberly can be a bit of a Debbie Downer. She is an attorney after all – Whitney wants us to know – by way of explanation (?). So Whitney just hopes that her sister’s hesitation the previous week in giving Chris her “blessing” to propose to Whitney (should that time come) won’t fuck things up for her. Chris isn’t bothered. His feelings for Whitney are “really strong” and he’s confident that when the time is right he’ll get that blessing. Even her “soul” is confident that she’ll marry Chris. Over (more wine), Whitney reiterates to Chris that she’s head over heels in love. The boat captain gives the thumbs up. But he also gave the thumbs up after bumping the boat into the dock earlier, so maybe he’s just fast and loose with the thumbs up.

For the evening portion of their date, Whitney is wearing the shit out of a chartreuse dress and the main thing on Chris’ mind is taking Whitney away from her career in Chicago as a fertility nurse. She assures him that she’s more than happy to move to Iowa. Whitney is the only woman left who hadn’t seen Arlington, so Chris wants to really make sure she knows how teeny tiny it is. 500 people, remember. And if you want to do something, anything, you better be ready to drive. “I have always wanted to be a wife and to be a mom…I have this career but I’m not fully happy because I feel that there’s half of me missing and that’s to be a wife and a mom. If I move to Arlington I would leave that (career) and be ready to have babies,” Whitney declares. My insides groan, but really what else was she going to say? She’s in love. This is what people do. Or at least promise to do on television. So we know for sure where Whitney stands. Chris admits in his private interview that he’s falling in love with Whitney. I’ve no doubt that her willingness to move to Arlington has likely secured her a spot in the final two. I adore Kaitlyn but I think she’d lose her mind in a small town. There aren’t even any tattoo parlours! Shudder. Whitney also accepts the Fantasy Suite date card and with a cute giggle and a “cheque please!” they head back to the hotel, which has been kitted out with candles, matching robes, and a bubble bath.

The final date of the week is with Becca the virgin, and my how Chris’ penis must be tired. Luckily it will probs get a rest tonight. Chris apparently packed a full complement of pastel-coloured shirts, and today he’s wearing a lovely sherbet-coloured one. He pals around with a couple of local kids, and then him and Becca sit in a temple and question the local medium, asking “are we meant to be together?” The answer? They’re a very good couple. Becca asks for advice for their “very important” date that night and the advice is to “make love.” Specifically, while facing west. Amazingly awkward. Afterwards, Becca reveals to Chris that she’s learned a lot about herself through this experience. She too is falling in love, but Chris admits in his voice-over to having some lingering doubts because her family indicated during hometown week that Becca has never really been in love. Meanwhile, Becca is worried that her virginity might be a deal-breaker.

Over dinner Chris tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her (three for three! and unprecedented in Bachelor history), and when the Fantasy Suite date card arrives they both agree that they want to spend more time together. But no virgin confession yet. Over champagne Becca cheers to “falling in love in the most unexpected way” and reiterates that she feels she’s falling in love with Chris. She announces that she’s a virgin and Chris’ face briefly look stunned, then not surprised at all, then amused. “I respect that in a lot of ways,” he says, clearly not speaking on behalf of his penis. He adds that he’s more interested in finding out if they work as a couple. “I’m 100% in,” says Becca. And we’re left to wonder if Chris gets 100% in or just, like, the tip.

After the Fantasy Suite dates are done, Chris has to decide who to send home. He ponders that Whitney and Kaitlyn have confirmed they love him to his face (as opposed to ‘falling in love’), but he also really cares about Becca. He tears up during his on-camera interview, saying he wishes all three women could meet his family. “The toughest thing right now for me is worrying about making a mistake…but it’s not just about me.” He bros down with host Chris Harrison and talks about his struggle. It sounds like Whitney is for sure getting a rose, then probs Kaitlyn as Becca seems like the biggest question mark; however, Chris goes on about how much he liked Becca’s family and can see that she’s a passionate person. I just wish she had a bit more…spark. Spark is the word I’m looking for. Whitney and Kaitlyn have spark in spades.

At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison (dressed in white with a colourful sash, as is the Bachelor) lets Chris know that the temple chosen for this ceremony is of the ‘don’t kiss here’ variety. Chris is visibly nervous and is trusting his gut to make the right choice. He stands before the final three ladies and says that the decision has been “excruciating.” Before he makes his announcement, he asks to speak to Becca privately. Whitney says that Becca had mentioned feeling like she was going to be sent home, so assumes that this is Chris pulling Becca aside to say goodbye privately. Becca doesn’t want to leave without Chris knowing how she feels. She talks about love and being in love and then we learn that in the Fantasy Suite Chris had asked her if her feelings were because of the show or because they’re her feelings. Becca now assures him that the show can only take credit for introducing them and that’s all. This is the most Becca has ever spoken! “This week is nothing I could’ve prepared myself for.” Still, she is talking like she is being sent home.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Whitney are tossing about theories as to what’s going on with Becca and Chris. Kaitlyn feels guilty for being excited about making it to the final two and meeting Chris’ family while Becca is (presumably) being kicked to the curb. Whitney feels that Becca is “young” and may not be ready for marriage. Both are understandably surprised to see Chris returning with Becca. It’s unclear at this moment whether Chris wanted to chat with Becca to confirm his decision to keep her through to the final two, or if he had been planning to send her home and she, for lack of a better term, talked him out of it.

Predictably, the first rose goes to Whitney and Kaitlyn is ultimately the one send packing. Boo. I really really like Kaitlyn. But truth? I think she might be too cool for Chris. She cares about him and all, but I think life in Arlington would’ve gotten real old, real quick. Kaitlyn and Chris leave the temple holding hands (not against temple rules, just keep those hands where we can see them folks). She asks “what happened” and he responds that “nothing happened…just certain things I don’t even understand right now.” Not the best answer, but par for the course for Chris. While a rooster crows in the background (I’m terrified of roosters, they look like they know more than they let on), Chris tells Kaitlyn that he could see a life with her and thinks the world of her but…you know. It is what it is. “There’s no real right decision,” he confesses, confusingly. He hugs a crying Kaitlyn, who doesn’t want to leave. But the driver starts the engine, basically being all “let’s go lady.” Her heart may be broken, but Kaitlyn remembers to buckle up when she is driven off. Safety first! She says it’s the most humiliating moment of her life and is “really, really confused.” You know what will help with that? Realizing that Chris is kind of boring (albeit a total sweetheart) and you’re probs going to be the next Bachelorette.

Next week it’s the Women Tell All special. Can’t wait to see what happens with Britt and the much-hated Kelsey.

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Seven (Part 2)

17 02 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 7 (Part 2) of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 16, 2015).

Let’s jump right into the second half of The Bachelor’s two-night special. Sunday night’s episode ended with the ladies speculating the end for Britt, after a pouty meltdown on a group date with Carly and Kaitlyn. Host Chris Harrison promises that the “drama in Iowa continues.” We pick up the action with Chris strolling the streets of Des Moines and thinking about how awkward Britt made things after she didn’t get the date rose. Chris and Becca meet up for their date at the loft where he is staying. He tells her that things feel “real” when they are together. Real…kinda boring? Becca opens up about the fact that she’s never been in love before, despite having been in an on-and-off relationship for four years. All sex free years, remember. She admits that she wouldn’t necessarily accept if he proposed today (good!). Don’t worry honey, a proposal is, like, three whole weeks away. That’s enough time, right? Ha. Chris and Becca head to the roof to watch the sunset and do that awkward peck kissing thing they do.

Back at the hotel, the gals are gossiping about Britt’s disastrous outburst the night before and she drops a bomb: she’s packed her bags and is thinking of leaving before the rose ceremony the next night. For some reason the women start to talk her out of it, and she cries, but Carly thinks it’s all for show and calls Britt out on her wishy-washyness (not a word) because Carly doesn’t believe for a second that Britt is bailing. Whitney muses that Britt is cracking because for the first time since night one she isn’t getting exactly what she wants, and what she wants is for Chris to always be “fighting for her.”

The following evening finds the ladies preparing for the final rose ceremony before hometown date week. Jade is preparing to reveal that she posed for Playboy while Britt says she is gearing up to leave before the ceremony, because she’s not sure if she’s ready for Chris to meet her family. She is mentally preparing to say goodbye and get “closure.” The other women are beyond convinced that this ‘I’m leaving’ thing is all a sherade and that Britt is simply setting up a scenario where she says she’s leaving in the hopes that Chris will beg her to stay. Host Chris Harrison arrives and makes a shocking announcement: there will be no cocktail party beforehand, so instead the remaining women head straight to the rose ceremony.

Chris launches into his (horrible, as usual) pre-elimination speech and Britt interrupts, asking to speak to him privately. “She wants him to beg, and if not she’s leaving him,” Jade predicts. Once she has Chris alone, Britt apologizes for her behaviour on the group date while back inside the other woman try to not vomit in frustration. “I think she could convince him,” Kaitlyn grudgingly admits. Chris tells Britt that she put him in a “tough position” and reveals that some of the other women have questioned her honesty, particularly about her reaction to his hometown of Arlington. Britt wants to know from whom he heard that she wasn’t being honest, and WAS IT CARLY? When he asks if that’s important Britt insists that it is. Things get a bit heated and Chris has clearly had enough. He stands up and they hug and I have no idea what’s going on and then he’s walking Britt out the door and they say goodbye. Insert screeching tire sound here. Chris looks totally gutted and Britt sits on a curb sobbing, while inside the atmosphere is just short of a mardi gras parade.
Chris returns to his ladies and confirms that he has sent Britt home, and he thanks them (translation: Carly) for helping confirm the doubts he had about Britt before handing out roses. Alas, Carly is left without a rose and is therefore sent packing. The girls are all genuinely sad to see Carly go, probs because she’s the funny one and she looks like she’d be amazing at French-braiding hair. Also, she was sort of the buffer – as long as Carly was around there was a spare woman who was always up on the chopping block. And now the buffer has been sent home crying in a limo and things are getting real.
In what may end up being the shortest season of The Bachelor ever, we’re down to four women‎ and it’s time for hometown dates. First up is Becca in Louisiana. Our last virgin standing is a smitten kitten when it comes to Chris, who also happens to be the first man she has brought home to meet her folks. Chris is mildly freaked but Becca puts his mind at ease. “I can only see my feelings progressing” she gushes. Chris is introduced to Becca’s large and attractive family and her sister confides in Chris that Becca isn’t usually an “intimate” or “affectionate” person. ‎This is a bit of a red flag for Chris. After all, living on a farm in isolated Arlington leaves plenty of time for boning, so he’d likely prefer a woman who’s into some PDA. When talking to Becca’s lovely mom, she says she has never seen Becca be so affectionate with a man. Remember: Chris doesn’t know Becca is a virgin. Becca’s sister Katie reminds her that fantasy suite dates are around the corner. Thanks Captain Obvious! “It would be really great to be the guy that Becca has been waiting for,” Chris declares. After family time, Chris whisks Becca away to a nearby state fair so they can kiss on a ferris wheel. Finally a kiss that lasts longer than two seconds! Becca thinks that maybe possibly maybe this could be the night she would look back on and think that this is when she started to maybe fall in love. Maybe.
‎Next up Chris heads to Chicago to visit fertility nurse and world’s perkiest woman, Whitney. After a pretty adorable one-on-one date in Des Moines, the stakes are high on this hometown date. Whitney kicks things off by teasing Chris that they are off to “make a baby,” so they head to her work and change into scrubs. She walks Chris through a fertilization and gosh Whitney is so cute showing Chris her work. There’s an obligatory peak into the room where the “magic happens.” Chris notices the Playboys (probs not the one with Jade, this place seems like they keep their subscription up-to-date) that are in the room to help with the aforementioned “magic.” I appreciate that Whitney keeps the joke going for like 5 minutes too long.
‎Later that day, Chris asks Whitney who, given that her father isn’t in her life and her mom passed away a few years back, would be the person Chris would need to get ‘permission’ from should things progress. She says it’s her sister. During the ‘meet the family’ portion of the evening, Whitney’s uncle John pulls Chris aside for a talk, and Chris emphasizes their compatibility. Her sister wonders if living in Arlington is really feasible, and Whitney desperately wants her sister to give her approval but it doesn’t appear that things will go smoothly if Chris were to ask. After all, there are four other women left in play. Chris asks for her sister’s blessing and she answers honestly that she doesn’t like the idea of her sister being one of four so “call me when you have that (certainty) for her.” Fair enough! I wonder if Chris requested similar permission from all of the families and those parts were edited out or if he really only asked Whitney’s family? Hmm.
‎When Whitney questions Chris about it later she is so worried that the lack of a family blessing will work against her. He circles around the topic a bit and says just enough to take Whitney’s panic level from an eight to a four, and then Whitney shows him a bottle of wine from Napa that she had been saving to share with the man she planned to marry. She cries and tells Chris that she’s fallen in love with him and then they suck face and drink the aspirational wine.  Chris declares that Whitney “brings out the best in me.” I’m just impressed that she held on to wine for that long. Wine doesn’t last long in my apartment. I’ll always find some excuse to partake, like “hey it’s Monday” or “this wine would pair perfectly with this bucket of chicken.” It physically hurt me not to be able to bring wine home from my November visit to Napa. I had to pick between carry-on luggage and being able to bring wine back. The connecting flights forced my hand, and carry-on luggage won out. Boo.
For their date, Canadian gal Kaitlyn‎ meets Chris behind some dumpsters in Phoenix. Perfect! Phoenix is where her family “winters” when they’re not in Alberta. She resides in Vancouver. They head into a recording studio to record a love rap, and the vibe is cute and playful. ‎Chris is as good at rapping as he is at speeches. So, not good. At all. “She would make life fun,” he says, eyes aglow. Chris is introduced to Kaitlyn’s parents and their respective spouses. It’s nice to see a family where the parents are divorced and remarried but can all hang out together and meet some guy from TV who has spent roughly eight hours with their daughter and might be her fiance in a hot minute. Kaitlyn can’t stop smiling and she gushes to her mom that she’s “so excited” about Chris. “I know I need to be in love (to move) and I see huge potential.” She later leads Chris to a billboard sign that reads Kaitlyn ♥ Chris and it’s a super sweet moment.
Randomly, I miss Britt. It’s weird that she’s not around, right? Totally didn’t expect her to leave this week.
Chris meets Jade in Nebraska (though she makes her home in LA these days) and she’s worried about her pending Playboy confession. Chris is introduced to Jade’s mom, dad and future step-mom (everyone is so civilized!), and he gifts Jade a letter jacket. Something about sports? Who cares. As an aside: it drives me nuts when people wear shoes in the home. Chris talks to Jade’s dad Laren about appreciating Jade’s values, and says he’s falling in love with her. Laren brings up Jade’s ex-boyfriends (why?)  saying that she can be “too much” for some men. He also hints that there’s another side to Jade, and the comment doesn’t go unnoticed by Chris. I’m guessing that side is ass-up? Jade’s brother Zach refers to her as a “wild mustang” and “free spirit.” So… maybe not the sort of girl looking to settle down and move to Iowa. When Jade chats alone with her dad, he gets emotional telling her that he just hopes she can settle down with a man who likes her for who she is. Translation: I love you and you deserve the best and you’re great but please for the love of god keep your clothes on.
The duo make their way to Chris’ hotel, and she launches into her confession: “There are some things about me that would surprise you…” Jade finally reveals her Playboy past and 15 muscles in Chris’s face strain to not react. She then, inexplicably, offers to show him some of the photos and Chris let’s out a choked laugh and agrees to see them. Jade brings the photos up on her laptop (convenient that she brought that along) and Chris is treated to full frontal Jade. He giggles nervously and practically chews his hand off. Oh there’s a behind-the-scenes video too. In his private on-camera interview, Chris comments that “Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl. I would’ve never expected something like this to be part of her past.” He tells Jade that “something like that” wouldn’t make him think any differently of her. Hey, she did make that cute speech before about how Chris shouldn’t feel ashamed about loving Arlington, so let’s just call them even? “I know who you are as a person,” he assures her. “If she’s my soul mate I’ll stand behind her,” Chris declares. Cue 500,000 Google image searches for “Jade Elizabeth Playboy”.  But hey, who are we to judge? Everyone goes a little “wild mustang” when they move away from their childhood home. I bought a whimsical set of salt and pepper shakers and a stereo system from Coscto. I get it.
With the hometown dates complete, ‎it’s time for another rose ceremony. It’s between Jade and Becca for the last rose. Ultimately, Jade is sent packing which actually isn’t that shocking if you’ve been paying attention. During week one on the red carpet host Chris Harrison said a virgin ended up in the fantasy suite so we knew Becca was going to make it to the final three. I honestly thought Chris would keep Jade if only to prove how non-judgmental he was, but honestly his connection is stronger with the rest of the women. He walks Jade out and says things have moved faster with all the other girls and that’s “all there is to it.” Jade cries but handles herself so well. “You’ve been a gift to me just to have you in my life” he tells her. I am going to let the white shoes with a black dress slide because Jade is a super sweet chick. Chris watches her being driven away in the sad gal limo, crying. Probs because he knows what she looks like naked and won’t get to see it again. In the limo, Jade is crying prettily and says “I really did have feelings for him.” Sigh. And then there were three!
Until next week!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Seven (Part 1)

16 02 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 7 (Part 1) of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Sunday, February 15, 2015).

It’s a two-night Bachelor event rose lovers! First it’s a one hour ‘Chris Tells All’ special, which is really more of an ‘Andi Cries All’ special. At the start of the hour, host Chris Harrison sits down with ousted Bachelorette Kelsey. Last week, Chris ended both Kelsey and Ashley I’s ‘journeys’ by ditching them in the Badlands and making a hasty exit in a helicopter. Kelsey says she is shocked to hear that she has been such a controversial figure this season, and seems chagrined that the other woman found her condescending and manipulative and thought she faked her panic attack. She claims a “flippant comment was misconstrued as condescending” and insists she had no dark motives in going to Chris’ hotel room to tell him about her ‎dead husband. On top of that, Kelsey swears she didn’t fake the panic attack and was, rather, “flooded” with emotions that night. I have no idea what to make of Kelsey. Either she’s genuinely a good person and has fallen prey to sneaky editing and smarty-pants syndrome, or she’s a true sociopath. When Chris asks if she’s worried about the ‘Women Tell All’ special, she admits she is concerned it will be her “crucifixion.”

Next up, Chris Harrison chats with Bachelor Chris Soules and first on the agenda is to question Chris’ reasons for ratting Ashley out to Kelsey (telling Kelsey that Ashley called her out for being “fake”) during the awkward two-on-one date. “I clearly know less about women than I thought I knew,” Chris laughs. He adds that he didn’t see a future with either of them and claims the double elimination had nothing to do with the specifics of that date. We then get treated to a montage of Ashley S. scenes. Ashley S. was this season’s resident nutbag, and her antics left many scratching their heads. She spoke nonsensically and just never “acted normal,” Chris says. Chris Harrison reveals that Ashley S. had a habit of wandering about the set/property at night, snacking from the craft services table and creeping up on the production staff. I was sincerely hoping for a big Ashley S. reveal. Perhaps she was just acting cray cray and was some sort of performance artist in addition to being a hairstylist. Alas, it was not an act, and Chris Harrison swears her audition tape was normal. They show a few clips from her tape and she does come off as normal. Harrison insists that no one could have predicted her behaviour based on those tapes. When asked about the women who have left thus far, Chris seems most upset about Jillian, and says that from the get-go he had her pegged as ‘top three.’ Too bad their date was such a disaster, and she was sent home. 

To wrap up the one hour special, Chris Harrison chats with Andi Dorfman, the most recent Bachelorette. A few days after Chris’ season kicked off, we learned that Andi and fiance/winner Josh had broken up. What made it even more shocking was that they had appeared together at the live red carpet premiere of Chris’ season, as Chris had been on Andi’s season. Harrison goes all Oprah on her ass and asks “what went wrong?” so she immediately starts crying and doesn’t stop. “We had been struggling for awhile” Andi admits. She was 100% sure that Josh was her soul mate and that she had made the right decision in picking him over Nick in her season. Andi confesses that seeing other happy couples at the premiere, and having people ask about their wedding date/plans was eye opening for the couple. Upon their return to Georgia they finally had to admit – mutually – that they didn’t “better each other.” Andi adds that she is super sad and breaks down when Chris asks if she is still in love with Josh. She says she has never loved anyone like that and Josh was her first true love and true heartbreak. Andi refers to the break up as the “biggest failure” of her life so far, and Harrison tries to comfort her saying it’s not a failure. She’s worried she “disappointed people” and feels bad that it didn’t work out when people were rooting for them to make it as a couple. Even I tear up and I’m pretty much a monster most of the time.

Time for the show! We pick up the action with the women and Chris still kicking it in Deadwood, South Dakota. Chris has sent Ashley and Kelsey home (or stranded in the Badlands, but that’s neither here‎ nor there). The remaining women are dressed to the nines and Britt asks why Chris sent both of the ladies home. Carly let’s it be known that they were thrilled about Kelsey’s departure, in particular. Megan and Chris sit together and she admits she hasn’t felt any progression in their connection lately, though they did have that great first date. “You are amazing,” Chris starts, but adds that “there’s some relationships that are moving forward…” but not this one. Boom. Megan is out. Happy trails Megan. Chris sits down in front of an antique shop next to what appears to be a tiny casino (hey, it’s South Dakota) and breathes heavily with the sads.

And then there were six.

Chris returns to his dwindling harem and talks about the “painful” act of saying goodbye. Kaitlyn is relieved because she hopes there will be no rose ceremony given Megan’s departure, but host Chris Harrison arrives to quickly dash that dream. Carly seems like the obvious gal on the chopping block, and she knows it. “He’s an easy person to love,” cries a terrified and apparently nauseous Carly.

Chris returns to announce that he has kiboshed the rose ceremony and Carly launches her body at his body in joy/relief. Instead they will all be going to Iowa. You have never seen people more excited to go to Iowa. It’s like they just found out they are heading to a fancy spa for a week of pampering from men that all look like Bradley Cooper. The producers opt to ease the final six women into Iowa by starting them off in Des Moines instead of dumping them in Chris’ hometown of Arlington.

Jade becomes the first gal to snag a second one-on-one‎ date card. Britt is admittedly jealous, but no one feels bad for her as she’s had a shit ton of solo time with the Bachelor, including last week’s disappearing act. And Kaitlyn is wearing a lipstick so amazing that even I (who only wears makeup when threatened or attending a wedding or hot dog eating contest) feel a physical longing to possess the shade. Chris, meanwhile, is back on the farm (his farm) and realizes he hasn’t brought a woman home since Andi! Hopefully Jade is kinda over watching her boyfriend make out with his other girlfriends in front of her. Chris is really looking for a girl who is DTM (Down to Move), specifically to Arlington. Jade arrives and Chris takes her on a tour of his house, pointing out his lands through the wraparound windows. Jade thinks his house is a little bachelor-looking but would be great with a “tweak”. He points out his cows like they are neighbours: “there’s Bennett!”, etc. I always thought it was an unspoken rule that you don’t name your farm animals. But if we’re doing this, I would like to claim the names Thatcher and Margot. Beat those, Iowa farmers!

Back in Des Moines, Britt is starting to spiral about Jade getting to go on a date in Arlington, and her fears are far from assuaged when the next solo date card arrives for Whitney. I will say, however, that Britt does kind of have a point: Jade getting to see Arlington gives her the upper hand in making a decision about wanting to move forward with Chris to hometown dates with her family. After all, it isn’t just Chris’ decision.

On their date, Chris shows Jade around his (ghost) town, featuring boarded-up businesses and (I presume) a feisty tumbleweed that might be the mayor. No restaurants, bars, coffee shops, or movie theatres here. It’s like playing the world’s shortest game of eye spy. Fuuuck this place is small. Jade looks visibly freaked, but as she senses Chris’‎ insecurity about it, she attempts encouraging noises and agreeable blinks. Jade misses a chance to joke that there was a bar in Arlington until this season’s drunkies Tara and Jordan drank it dry.  At least I now know that something smaller than my apartment exists, and it’s Arlington, Iowa.

Later that evening they hop on Chris’ motorcycle and head to a football game at Chris’ former high school, where he seems to know everyone. There is something to be said for small towns. I couldn’t even pick my neighbour out of a lineup. Time for the mom and dad ambush: Chris brings Jade over to meet his folks who happen to also be at the football game. It may be a weird town law, like that old no eating ice cream in Carmel thing (thanks for coming to the rescue Clint Eastwood!). This town is so small the football players also have to play instruments in the school band during half time! Chris walks Jade through the halls of his former high school and says he was a bit of a rebel back then (I suspect cow tipping, but not Bennett because he looks like he’d fight back). Jade wants to open up to Chris about something but doesn’t go beyond some vague mentions of having rebelled and decisions that made her grow up and blah blah. We’ll find out soon that she posed for Playboy, because that’s the only thing the previews have focused on all night.

‎Jade is less freaked about the small small small town of Arlington now, and the “crowd” cheers them to kiss on the football field after the game. Nothing says romance like kissing the dude you are sharing with five other women in front of his parents. Jade confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love.

Chris’ next one-on-one date is with Whitney. The theme of the date is exploring the thriving art community in Des Moines. Chris tells a super exuberant Whitney that they are going on a photo safari. Given the little time we’ve seen them hang out together they seem exceptionally cute and couple-y. Chris and Whitney take a million photos of themselves kissing at various ‘landmarks’ across the city and it’s kind of precious. Chris “likes a lot of things about Whitney” and appreciates that she isn’t shy about her feelings.

Back at the hotel, Jade is recounting her Arlington date with Chris, and Britt starts crying. Again, no one is sympathetic because Britt has been a perceived front-runner so far and her strong and visible connection with Chris has been the source of some tension in the group. Basically, the ladies feel like maybe it’s Britt’s turn to feel like it’s not all about her. Carly reveals a plan to road trip to Arlington to “check it out” and the women (minus Jade) decide to go for it. After a two-hour drive, the enthusiasm in the vehicle drops to barely a peep. The smells (cow poop) and endless views of…corn. The deserted town. Ever wondered what a van full of resting bitch faces looks like? I wonder no more.

‎The road trippers venture out of the van and quickly find out that everything is closed or abandoned, but Carly finds a ‘sign': the Jesus painting in the church is the same painting in the same frame as one in her grandparents’ house. The women ask a local where they can get some food around these parts and he tells them “not here”. He turns out to be the pastor. Becca the virgin says she likes it in Arlington but would want to “pop out babies” immediately. Probs to alleviate the boredom. And the virginity.

On their date, Chris cheers Whitney to “one of the best days of his life.” They head to a bar and meet up with three of Chris’ besties. Whitney’s cartoon voice is on full blast, but other than that she totally kills it. The couple seem completely in synch and at ease, and she handles all the questions from Chris’ pals with aplomb. They seem like a natural fit.

Meanwhile, the other women have returned from their Arlington road trip and Britt admits that when she got there her first thought was  “I don’t see myself in this town.” But apparently the sunset view on the drive out caused her to do a complete 180, because now she says she could picture living there after all. Carly ain’t buying it and says in her private on-camera interview that Britt is one of the fakest people she’s ever met. The group date card arrives and it’s for Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn, and reads “Icy our future together.”

Chris’ friends have left and it’s time for some real talk. Whitney tells Chris she essentially has no parents because her mom died tragically when she was 20 and she has no relationship with her dad. ‎Whitney emphasizes that she wants a man with a great family and great parents who can be like a mom and dad for her. I hope she likes high school football games!

Chris announces that he has a surprise for her, and they leave the bar and are greeted by Bachelor fans waiting outside to catch a glimpse. There are about 23 people, so it’s like the entire population of Des Moines. He leads Whitney to a wall where one of their photos from earlier in the day has been painted onto a mural like in that A-Ha video. for Take on Me! “Whitney is a person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with,” Chris says. As for Whitney? “I honestly can say I fell in love tonight.” she gushes in her private interview.

‎The next day, Whitney regales Becca and Jade with details of their date. Jade decides to come clean to soon-to-be-relegated-to-the-friend-zone Carly that she did nude modeling for Playboy a few years back. “This could end my relationship with him,” Jade admits. She also reveals that her dad found out from some co-workers. “Sometimes I regret posing nude” Jade says. Honey, your parents named you Jade. There was like a 50/50 chance you were going to pose nude.

Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn arrive at an arena for their group date, where a rose (and therefore a hometown date) is on the table. They lace-up‎ and everyone is terrible so of course they decide to integrate hockey sticks into it. Thanks god that ends the 4-way hand hold skating around the rink. Vomit. Britt whisks Chris away for some alone time and all I can think is that he is so brave for kissing all these super-lipsticked lady mouths. Britt tells him about the road trip to Arlington and he is delighted that the “gals” did that. She confesses that at first she was freaked about the tiny town but ended up loving it. Carly and Kaitlyn, their lust on ice for the time being (see what I did there?), chat about their suspicions that Britt is off with Chris telling him how much she loved his town and they are praying that he sees through her. I have to wonder if Britt (who Chris says he can also see himself marrying) is really deserving of this hatred from Carly. She didn’t pretend to love Arlington at first sight and the other ladies felt exactly the same way, so why all the Britt hate?

When Carly gets Chris alone she babbles that she is really “protective” of him and that’s why she has to tell him that Britt was totally not into Iowa life on the road trip but sang a different tune once they returned to the hotel. “Be careful, Chris” she cries. Way to really friend-zone yourself Carly. She even adds “I know you really like her.”

Carly’s revelation appears to be weighing heavily on the Bachelor’s mind over cocktails later that night, and he pulls Britt aside early on. She gushes that she wants Chris to want to meet her family and adds that he could do the whole tour of her life in, like, three blocks. “Speaking of that…” Chris begins. He is obviously nervous and keeps clearing his throat and seems terrified. When pressed about whether she for realsies could see herself in Arlington, Britt assures him that “there was never a ‘no way’ but..” admits Arlington was a shock. This seems to comfort Chris for the time being.

Kaitlyn is less comforted, and comments about Britt that “she’s moulding herself to be that person that Chris wants her to be.” You know what? I really dig Kaitlyn. In the first two weeks her crude jokes kind of rubbed me the wrong way (odd, since crude jokes are my bread and butter), but she’s kind of the best and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Kaitlyn and Chris sit together, and she admits to feeling like she’s always “playing catch-up.” But unlike with Megan Chris assures her that things are progressing. “You stood out to me on day one,” he tells her. Kaitlyn gets the “big deal” date rose, and Chris tells her “I feel like the luckiest man alive when I’m with you.” She gladly accepts the rose and says that he’s making her “soft”. Cute.

Chris and Kaitlyn return to Carly and Britt, and Britt is shooting daggers out of her eyes at the sight of Kaitlyn holding the date rose. Even her (supposedly unwashed for weeks) hair looks pissed off. Her eyebrows look downright unimpressed. She does not containing her disdain during Chris’ “you are all amazing women” speech. Carly tries to smooth things over during a very awkward moment but Britt cuts her off to express her “not mad” but confused feelings about not getting the date rose. Um, you got one last week!!! Things take an even more awkward turn when Britt tells Chris “you’re allowed to do that,” speaking about him giving the rose to someone else. Um, duh. What’s worse is that she dumps this all on Chris in front of Carly and Kaitlyn, including a mention of not wanting to be her future husband’s ‘third, fourth or whatever choice’. This is imploding, quick. Chris barely maintains patience and decorum, and says he doesn’t find the conversation respectful of Carly and Kaitlyn. With an “I’m looking forward to seeing you all tomorrow,” he leaves.

Britt seems to regret her actions immediately, and (oddly) looks to the other women for comfort. “We’ve all been there,” Kaitlyn says, but adds (and rightly so) that Britt’s outburst made her feel crappy about getting the date rose. “It was you last week!” Carly points out, again justifiably.

Carly is just happy that Chris has possibly now seen Britt’s “true colours”. Suddenly, front-runner Britt isn’t seeming like such a front-runner. “She’s screwed” Carly later tells Whitney. “There’s no recovering.”

And that’s the end of night one of this two-night Bachelor event!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Six

10 02 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 9, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! Last week’s episode ended on a Kelsey cliffhanger – she’s sprawled out on the floor having a (presumed) panic attack. Some of the ladies ain’t buying it, however. They feel the timing of this display is “convenient” and “tactical,” and not a single toned tush even leaves the couch to go check on our whaling widow. Kelsey doesn’t help her case at all when the paramedic asks if she can get anyone for her and she responds to get Chris. Kelsey even jokes that she’s definitely getting a rose tonight. Gasp!

With Chris by her side, Kelsey is visibly calmer and tells Chris she feels much better now. She says she didn’t know he was going to bring up their hotel room conversation earlier that day and also cancel the cocktail party, and that this caused her distress. She returns to the ladies and is all “I’m so embarrassed guys!” The verdict from the other woman: Kelsey is a phony bologna! She then (calmly) reminds everyone how seriously Chris takes this process and bringing someone home to Iowa, and mentions ONCE AGAIN that Chris knew exactly who he was sending home that night so that is why he decided to ditch the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour.

Chris hands out the roses and the two women sent home are young mom Mackenzie and the practically invisible Samantha (seriously WHO WAS SAMANTHA? I kept having to check her name on the official Bachelor web site). So Kelsey is safe for another day, and this doesn’t sit well with the other women. “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shit human being,” Kaitlyn comments.

Mosey-ing right along…

Chris and his harem arrive in Deadwood, South Dakota and on tap this week is a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date where one women is always sent packing. Britt and Kelsey seem to have bonded, and Kelsey feels very deserving of the one-on-one because she’s “worked hard” for it. Either this chick is flat out crazy or the Bachelor producers have been doing some wizard level editing to make her appear that way. The solo date card arrives for low-key Becca, who I suspect will be the dark horse in this whole thing.

Becca and Chris head out on their date where horseback riding is on the agenda. God I love horseback riding. My last experience was on a trip to Costa Rica and all I remember of it (because it was a million degrees and the sun was beating down so hard and the horses mostly looked like they wanted to lay down and die) was when my pal MM was reprimanding her horse for licking her leg, thus removing the sunscreen from just that one spot. I doubt she reads this, so I feel confident in saying that seeing that tiny patch of burn on her leg the next day made me cry with laughter. I’m sorry MM. You’re the bestest and I’ll never make you ride a horse again. Forgive me? She’s not reading this.

Back at the hotel, the women are “being open” with Kelsey. Whitney asks how she could have been so light-hearted after fainting. “I feel like I had overcome a significant emotional hurdle…I don’t know if I said something that upset him in a bad way…” Kelsey starts. “My mental state at that point was just so confused.” Um. Ok, I can maybe accept that. Carly doesn’t. Kelsey insists she has nothing but “respect and admiration” for the other woman and says she’s “blessed with eloquence” and is smart and uses a lot of big words. “I’ll do my best to be mindful,” she concludes. The group date card arrives and tensions are high, as it’s revealed that the women going on the shitshow two-on-one date will be Kelsey and Ashley, who is excited to “kick some Kelsey ass”.

Later that evening, on their date Becca and Chris are adorable and laughing (and laughing about how they laugh) and Chris comments that Becca is “cool and rolls with the punches.” He says it’s one of the most comfortable dates he’s been on thus far. They discuss their five-year plans, which involve marriage and kids (yawn, no one ever says winning a hot dog eating contest, partying with 2 Chainz and starring in a Telenovela – dream life!). Becca obviously gets the date rose and they share their first kiss. At first it’s awkward and tentative, but it evolves into a full-fledged make out. Get yours Becca!

It’s group date day, and Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan take turns hugging Chris before they find out this date is going to be all about songwriting. The band Big & Rich (whose song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” is so fun to sing into your friends’ mouths while drinking tequila) arrive to act as mentors. Megan (who wants to remind us that she’s from Nasvhille) is starstruck. Although to be fair Megan seems like she’d be starstruck by the Hamburglar or the third runner up in a Miss Junior Texas pageant. Sweet girl though. Cosmetics developer Jade is understandably bummed out when Chris and the perpetually un-showered yet always stunning Britt kiss a few feet away from her while she’s attempting to pen a love ballad for our Bachelor. The Britt-Chris connection is palpable. “It’s hard to write a love song about somebody when he’s clearly into somebody else,” moans Jade. Word.

The women all bring their A game to the singing competition/stage show, and cruise ship singer Carly has a real moment after serenading Chris on stage. Even Kaitlyn has to bow down to their connection in that moment. Chris pulls Jade aside for some private time and Jade admits she’s “getting more in touch” with her feelings and can see being with Chris in the end and living in Iowa.

Back at the hotel, Ashley and Kelsey are on a quest to one-up each other with fake enthusiasm about going on the two-on-one date. It’s a weird feeling to be rooting for Ashley. She cries so much and just seems like a lot of work. But at the end of the day, her intentions are good and she’s pretty harmless. And Kelsey is coming off as a right bitch.

The group date plods along with Kaitlyn and Chris holding hands at the bar (the only place I’d want to be on a group date), and she leaves the conversation feeling reassured that Chris hasn’t forgotten about their connection. Speaking of connection, seriously Chris and Britt I can’t even with you two! He whisks her away to see the band play a concert and gives her the rose on stage in front of hundreds of people while the other woman are left behind on the dusty trail of romance (or more specifically, a saloon). Chris and Britt return and he makes an awkward speech about giving Britt the rose and how he felt doing it that way (in private but, you know, on stage at a concert) was more appropriate. “I’ll let you girls have the rest of the evening to yourselves,” he announces, practically Michael Jackson moonwalking out of the saloon. Nice exit, farm boy. Most of the women are in tears by this point and Britt has to awkwardly tell them that she was at the Big & Rich show with Chris. Megan is insulted because Britt, like, doesn’t even heart country music. Even Kaitlyn cries and expresses that she feels “humiliated.” Jade makes it clear that she’s not interested in any “sympathy” from Britt (now there’s a country song in the making!).

Time for Chris’ two-on-one in the Badlands with Kelsey and Ashley, where they arrive via helicopter to make the desert “more beautiful” by sitting on a canopy bed in the middle of nowhere and drinking wine. Chris and virgin/Kardashian lookalike Ashley pull away first to make out, and Ashley is mostly thrilled to have some uninterrupted time with him. He comments that she seems to be handling things “fine” in the house (red flag!) and Ashley lets him know that Kelsey is the odd woman out amongst the dwindling harem. When it’s time to chat with Kelsey (who lets Chris know that she’d be a great wife because, you know, she’s been a wife before), Chris immediately tells her that Ashley had – just moments prior – insinuated that Kelsey was “fake.” Kelsey tells Chris she feels hurt and would hate for Chris to let go of “all the potential” between them because of “girl talk.” Kelsey is PISSED, and in her private on-camera interview she says about Ashley: “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has way too much makeup on to be genuine.” Interestingly, she adds that Ashley is “playing a game…but I’m not.” This coming from the woman who has referred to “winning” a number of times in recent weeks.

Kelsey confronts Ashley about the “fake” comment, and Ashley (who I’ve never liked more than in this moment) gives her sass mouth right back, saying that Kelsey thinks she’s smarter than everyone because she uses big words. Amazing! Then everything goes to shit and any advantage Ashley had is blown when she stomps away to cry and pout. She cries to Chris and doesn’t understand why he sold her out to Kelsey. Chris isn’t great at the comforting hugs, and Ashley is a hot mess express of tears. The whole thing falls apart with Chris saying they’re in different places in their lives (translation: I’m just not that into you). Ashley acknowledges that crying in front of him all the time probs isn’t the greatest, but she “cares so much more” than Kelsey does. Chris tells her that he doesn’t think he could give Ashley the “lifestyle” she “really wants” and Ashley counters by asking Chris if he really thinks that Britt wants that lifestyle. Chris is obviously taken aback at this twist, as he likely didn’t expect Ashley to turn on another woman in the midst of all this Kelsey bashing, and Ashley cops to feeling like a complete dickwhistle for her lengthy sobfest. So Ashley’s done.

Returning to Kelsey, Chris brings her up to speed and they hug but NOT SO FAST “black widow” – you’re heading home too! He tells her that he doesn’t “know if it’s there between us.” Booyah.  Kelsey handles it well, and describes herself as feeling “immeasurably blessed.”

While back at the hotel the women all shit with frustration when Ashley’s bags were removed, now they all squeal for joy when the bag take away-er (not an official title) returns to get Kelsey’s bags too. Ashley may have been a bit of a mess, but she was the lesser of two evils. And with Kelsey gone? Now everyone feels “immeasurably blessed”.

P.S. Chris leaves in a helicopter. I’m sure someone went back for the two ousted women. Eventually.

Until next week – double episode!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Five

3 02 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 2, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We kick off this week with Chris Soules wandering around Santa Fe, New Mexico, also known as “the perfect place to fall in love.” He awaits his harem, who are lounging around the Chick Compound proving how little they know about New Mexico and likely the world in general. I’m looking at you and your sombrero talk, Megan. A cultural Wünderkid she is not.

The ladies arrive at their hotel and cheers to “falling in love in Sante Fe.” The date card arrives for cruise ship singer Carly (“Let’s come together”) who, upon meeting up with Chris, launches herself into his arms for a cute smooch. They arrive in the backyard of a ranch-style house to find a woman meditating. She turns out to be a ‘Love and Intimacy Mentor’ named Tziporah Kingsbury. Guys, my parents almost named me that! Jokes.

Chris and Carly change into linen garb and meet their guru, who is burning sage. She walks them through a cleansing and there’s some chanting too. Five years ago I would’ve rolled my eyes SO HARD at this, but I attend a 9 a.m. meditation class every Sunday that makes this seem very run-of-the-mill. Basically I spend 60 minutes chanting with a bunch of strangers in front of a man wearing all white  who thinks my name is Julia and at the end I go spend $14 on a smoothie. It’s the best part of my week.

Carly is instructed to touch Chris (who is blindfolded at this point) and feed him various fruits. Later there’s some weird sex yoga and this becomes hands-down the weirdest first date I’ve ever seen on The Bachelor, and that’s saying a lot. They are instructed to shed their clothes while maintaining unbearable eye contact. Both are supremely uncomfortable, and decide to tap out. The guru instructs them to verbally “unmask each other” by revealing something personal. Next up is Carly sitting in Chris’ lap, arms wrapped around him, while they breathe into each others mouths. Then the guru gives them carte blanche to make out like maniacs, so they do.

Back at the hotel, Kelsey, Ashley and Mackenzie are lounging outside and Kelsey is talking about her husband’s death. She hasn’t told Chris her story yet, and Ashley voices some concerns about her seemingly casual attitude about his death. The group date card arrives for Becca, Jade, Whitney, Megan, Kaitlyn, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie, Ashley and Kelsey, which means that Britt has gotten the much coveted solo date in Sante Fe.

Over drinks and ‘dinner,’ Carly confesses that her high level of physical discomfort in romantic situations stems from her last relationship, which ended a year-and-a-half prior. Her ex wasn’t the touchy feely type. At all. She appreciates the “comfort and ease” that Chris provided on their date, and Chris appreciates her outer and inner beauty enough to present Carly with the date rose.

It’s group date day and Kaitlyn is hoping the “rapidly” part of the “rapidly falling in love” date clue means that she’ll get to rapid fire a bunch of guns, but alas it’s white water rafting. Megan worries that there are dead bodies and alligators in the water, waiting to scare/eat her. She’s adorable clueless. After a way too short safety briefing (the gist: y’all try not to die) the ladies and Chris head down the river with their guides. Jade falls in the water and has trouble warming up once she’s back on dry land. It turns out she has a medical condition whereby her body goes into hypothermia at an unusually rapid rate. Chris tries to rub warmth back into her feet, while Mackenzie wishes she had thought about throwing herself overboard to get some special touching too. Ah, to be 21 and that ridiculous.

During the evening portion of the group date, ousted bachelorette Jordan (eliminated in week 2) arrives at the hotel and intercepts Chris on his way to meet his dates. She’s driven to Sante Fe to plea for a second chance. In his private interview, Chris confesses to sending Jordan home early on because she didn’t seem to be taking the process seriously. Translation: girl was drunk 24/7. Jordan apologizes for her partying ways, and Chris likes her more serious side. He brings Jordan into the lion’s dean (ie. the room where the other woman are eagerly awaiting his arrival) and jaws hit the floor. He announces that he’d like Jordan to join on the group date, at least for tonight, but tells the rest of the women that he’s totally open to hearing any of their thoughts on the matter. One who has a lot of thoughts on this (along with her asston of fake eyelashes and crop tops) is one of this season’s virgins: Ashley. To sum up? She’s not a Jordan superfan. One by one the women tell Chris as politely as possible (seriously, I can almost hear the restrained eye rolls) that they aren’t team “Second Chance Jordan.” Only Whitney makes the case for Jordan to stay, because mean people (read: Ashley) suck. Jade ‘worries’ that the environment isn’t right for Jade, and that appears to be the straw that breaks the farmer’s back because Chris ‘that’s the right decision for a man’ Soules sends Jordan home. It turns out that genuine niceness pays off in the Bachelor world, because Whitney scores the date rose from Chris, who announces that he is “excited” for their “potential.” I definitely see Whitney sticking around ‘til hometown week. Ashley is mega mad that Whitney got the rose, and her only ally appears to be Mackenzie.

So those rumours about Britt not showering (a little nugget dropped by former contestant Michelle Money during the week one live audience show) turns out to be true. Britt jokes about having to wash her hair for the date and Carly reveals that apparently Britt hasn’t showered in weeks. I once went three days without showering during a camping trip and I was borderline catatonic with grossness. I hosed myself off in my backyard before taking 2 showers. I can’t even imagine how Britt has gone this long, and I pray to all the gods and both Olsen twins that this is a joke.

Spoiler alert: this is not a joke. The girl doesn’t bathe.

The official date card arrives and the “sky” part of “the sky’s the limit” turns Britt into a puddle of tears. Note to future Bachelor contestants: NEVER REVEAL ANY FEARS TO THE PRODUCERS BECAUSE THEY WILL SEND YOU ON THE FLYING/EATING BUGS/GOING DEEP UNDERWATER/REPELLING date. That’s just science.

Next up is Chris’s date with Britt. These two have been vibing since the moment Britt stepped out of the limo in week one – she even got the first impression rose. Their date is starting super early – like, 4:30 in the morning early. Chris sneaks into Britt’s room and lord have mercy the girl sleeps in makeup. Like, lipstick and everything. Chris comments that she smells nice (is this girl a robot?) when she worries that her breath must stink. Carly quips that Britt even puts makeup on to go to sleep. As a girl who forces herself to wear makeup maybe twice a month, this is incomprehensible to me. Remember how Britt is terrified of heights? Apparently that doesn’t apply to hot air balloon rides. Despite her questionable hygiene, there’s no question that Britt and Chris are adorable together. “I feel like Chris is my boyfriend,” she purrs.

Back in the hotel room, the girls are talking about how Britt doesn’t shower. It clearly isn’t an issue for Chris, who is giving Britt a tour of his hotel suite. Ashley has some hot goss: allegedly Britt isn’t down with the whole wife and kids routine. She apparently boasted that she “likes being single.” The mere whisper of this is akin to her telling the other women that she “loves murdering old people in their bathrooms.” Major Bachelor faux pas Britt, if she did in fact say these things. Meanwhile, on their date Britt is all “Kids? I LOVE kids! I want ALL THE KIDS!” She wants like “a hundred” of them. Chris gives her the date rose and they hunker down in bed (!) for a nap. Back at the hotel, Carly is in tears because she’s so upset about Chris sneaking into her shared room with Britt that morning and “shushing her” and kissing Britt in front of her. She also comments that Britt is “manipulative.” When Britt returns from her date, the resting bitch faces of the other women are pure gold. She reveals that her and Chris took a nap, and this sends Kelsey into overdrive. Kelsey was my very early favourite – I pegged her as top 4 in week one. But she demonstrated some sketchy (read: phony) behaviour during last week’s camping date. Now she sneaks away to Chris’ room to “steal” time with him and tells Chris about her husband – Sanderson – whom she met at 19 and married shortly thereafter and who died suddenly in May of 2013.

And then.


Kelsey goes from ‘hmm…is she a manipulative thundercunt or is she just misunderstood?’ to full-on sociopath in my book when, during her private on camera interview, she says with a smile: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic…but it’s amazing. I love my story.”

But Chris just sees a cute girl with a sad story, and they share their first kiss. “I had to tell him my story. We had to have our first kiss,” she emphasizes. “I know this show is about Chris, but this is my love story too.” On her way out, she jokes (?) that Chris should go ahead and cancel the rose ceremony that night. I literally get chills when Kelsey says: “This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” Is it possible that Kelsey has out-crazied Ashley S. who blessedly was sent home last week?

Sitting around waiting for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, the women who don’t have roses yet are fretting about the importance of spending time with Chris, especially for those who haven’t had one-on-one dates yet. Ashley puts herself in the same boat as Samantha (who? seriously), Kelsey and Becca – aka the no solo date crew. Upon hearing this, Kelsey attempts coyness by stating she’s feeling totes comfortable about her position going into the rose ceremony. Her Dead Husband Hail Mary™ has her feeling pretty good about her chances at the rose ceremony. God I hope the whole story isn’t fake. If it turns out she is not a widow I will never stop dry heaving.

Chris addresses the women and reveals that his chat with Kelsey has brought up a lot of emotions for him. He gets choked up and leaves the room, where host Chris Harrison catches up to him for a serious bro chat.

Back inside, Kelsey is telling the women that she had to go and seek private time with Chris because she had to “honour” her story by telling him in a place where they “couldn’t be interrupted.” She also claims she didn’t want the other women to be “jealous of the time.” Then things get even sketchier when she infers that she knows who Chris is sending home that evening. She tops that off with “and it means I have to say goodbye to people.” Party foul! She’s basically telling everyone that her story has effectively cemented her chances of getting a rose and sticking around for another week.

Chris Harrison arrives and declares that there will be no cocktail party after all, and that they will be going right into a rose ceremony. Ashley promptly downs some wine (loved that) and then falls apart in her private interview because Kelsey has a better/more traumatizing story than she does. For eff’s sake are these women really at the point where they are jealous of other woman having experienced more personal tragedy/loss because it gives them a perceived edge? Yes we’re really at that point. While Kaitlyn and Carly ponder the Kelsey situation, it seems that miss “honour my story” has disappeared, and we find her sprawled on the ground hyperventilating and being attended to by a medic. She’s hysterically crying and no one seems to know what’s wrong. And that’s where the episode ends, to be continued next week. Thanks god for Megan and her antics. She’s trying on sombreros and can’t figure out why it’s called “New Mexico” and not “Old Mexico.” Her moment gets four kinds of racist. But I laughed because I’m so so scared of Kelsey right now so it’s a welcome comic relief.

Until next week!

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Four

27 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 26, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We kick off this week with host Chris Harrison addressing the women who are all in their day makeup (meaning fewer false eyelashes). He reveals that this week there will be two group dates and a highly coveted one-on-one date, the recipient of which will be selected by Chris’ three sisters. Knowing from the preview of this week’s show that there’s a Cinderella theme to that date, I have to assume that it was not the producers intention to insinuate that Chris’s sisters are, in fact, wicked. The first date card (“let’s do what feels natural”) is for Ashley S., Ashley I., Megan, Kaitlyn, Juelia, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie and Kelsey. This sends some of the woman into a panic, as they worry that they will have to embark on this date sans makeup. They speed off down the highway in red convertibles and end at a lake. Ashley I. seems allergic to buttoning up her shorts and later goes topless in the lake, prompting Kaitlyn to do the same. Kelsey isn’t super into the evolving nudity of this group date.

Back at the Chick Compound, there’s a knock on the door and Carly practically gallops across the living room to greet Chris’ sisters. Hard-bodied Jillian (with the perpetual ‘blurred’ out ass) has fallen asleep by the pool and is out of sorts for her first impression with the sisters. Britt admits to the sisters that she feels like the frontrunner when she’s with Chris. Bold! Jade is a website clothing model and also just launched her own line of organic makeup, and this seems to impress the sisters. Carly’s time with them involves a lot of tears: she admits she’s never had a dude treat her well in a relationship. She wants to date a man like her grandpa, evidently. Ultimately, Jade is awarded the golden date card and is told that (Prince) Chris won’t know who is showing up on their fantasy date. There’s a “strike of midnight” mention in there too, just in case it wasn’t clear that this date has a Cinderella theme. An emotional Jade says that “it’s just nice to be recognized” and chosen for this date by his sisters.

Back at the lake of sin, Chris has an announcement: the date is an overnight-er. They will be camping.

[Aside: the last time a dude mentioned going camping to me, I told him that if he wanted to murder me so badly he should save himself the gas money and just take a run at me in my apartment and let’s see who ends up alive. Not that I don’t like camping.*]

Kelsey is not pleased with this turn of events, and while giving her private interview she gets stung by a wasp. On the inner thigh. When it’s time to put up the tents, the brain trust known as Ashley I. and Mackenzie struggle with the poles (not a euphemism, though Ashley I. is a virgin). Kaitlyn and Chris get some quiet time to cultivate their “natural connection” and make out. He finds her impressive, and the perfect full moon ain’t shabby either. Kelsey is observed to be pouting while sitting around the fire. She lights up around Chris, however, but asks “are we seriously spending the night here?” The girls begin to comment on her ‘fake-ness,’ which is kind of a bummer: I had her pegged as a top four during week one. The whiskey starts flowing and Ashley S. brings out some nutty dance moves while Mackenzie starts with the alien talk (again). Apparently it’s the perfect place to be abducted and probed by extraterrestrials.

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve witnessed the bizarro antics of Ashley S. but they are back in full force. Her and Chris have some private time and she asks “what are you?” A Scorpio, apparently. To his credit, Chris tries SUPER hard to keep the conversation somewhat normal and on track, even when she says “I like, really love you, and I love everything about you.” I can almost hear the cartoon tire screeching sound in his brain. Make it stop. Please god make it stop. Later Ashley I. and her huge crush puts her mouth on his mouth forever, and she is looking more and more like a Kardashian as the weeks go by. A steamy make-out session isn’t enough to get her the group date card, however. That goes to Kaitlyn.

After everyone has gone off to bed, Ashley I. decides to kick things up a notch and she sneaks into Chris’ tent and confesses that not only has she never had sex, but she’s never had a boyfriend before. Chris tells her that he got the vibe that she’s a “smart, well-rounded girl.” Ashley I. is relieved that she has admitted these aspects about herself to a half-asleep Chris and demonstrated that she’s “wife material.” “He can ask about it, she says. “He can probe at that area if he wants later on.” Ah, classic double entendre. The next day the (un)happy campers return and learn that Jade will be going on the solo date with Chris. Ashley I. is supremely bummed that she wasn’t in play for the  Cinderella date because whenever she tells people about herself, the fact that she considers herself a Disney princess type comes up. As in, she actively describes herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess.” Obviously, Ashley I. has an asston of friends (cough).

Jade has a team assigned to her princess-ification, and she is presented with Neil Lane diamond earrings and fancy glass-adorned Louboutins to keep, eliciting (warranted) jealousy gasps from the other ladies. It’s all dresses and tiaras and then a 60 second promotion for the upcoming Cinderella movie, all overseen by a fairy godmother/stylist with neon pink hair and the world’s largest pair of glasses.

Jade is whisked away in a white Rolls Royce while Chris practises his ballroom dancing  in nervous anticipation of who his date will be. His face when he sees Jade is pretty priceless. He’s “extremely happy” that his sisters chose her. Sweet Jade admits that she got engaged very young but it didn’t work out, and Chris tells her that he too was engaged after a 7-year relationship that was long-distance in the end. He feels that he can really relate to Jade, and she speaks very well about transitioning from life to a small town then Omaha and now “lonely” Los Angeles. “The Princess thing works well for you, I’m not going to lie,” Chris says before presenting her with the date rose. He then leads her to a platform before a full orchestra so they can have their Disney-moment dance. At the stroke of midnight (groan), they share a kiss and Jade “has to go.” Meaning, she has to run down the stairs in Louboutins. That just seems cruel. “Hopefully, Jade and I’s fairytale becomes reality,” says Chris,

Meanwhile, Ashley I.’s bitterness about not being selected for the Cinderella date is palpable. She is decked out in a dress she specifically bought for a Princess-themed date. It’s decidely less Princess Jasmine and more Cinderella-looking than her previous gowns. “Prince Farming decided to go on a Princess date with some other girl,” she grumbles. She comforts herself by eating corn on the cob by herself in the living room. Hey, that kind of sounds like my dream date scenario.

Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca are to be on the next group date. Just outside the house they find large boxes with their names on them, full of wedding dresses. Jillian isn’t a fan, and would rather be hiking or doing something decidedly less “girly.” After disembarking a private jet in San Francisco, the wedding dress-clad bunch find themselves at a muddy obstacle course that raises funds for Multiple Sclerosis. The ‘bride’ who wins ‘muckfest’ goes on to a private date with our Bachelor. The race begins and Becca is almost thwarted by the “big balls swinging” in her face. Carly gives up at the big balls because she’s “offended.” Miss ‘in it to win it’ Jillian is the easy victor, despite not having lifted weights in four whole weeks. Her and BFF Britt have a cute moment at the end of the course, where Britt spits from exertion and then tops it off with a cute pose. Later that evening, Becca comments that Jillian beat them so badly that she deserved two dates.

Chris and Jillian clean up and head to a rooftop patio for champagne and the standard untouched dinner. Seriously, no one ever eats the food. I’m surprised more people don’t pass out from hunger on this show. In his private interview, Chris says that purely based on quick physical attraction and first impressions, he would’ve predicted that Jillian would be “top three.” Things get a little treacherous when Chris asks her where she sees herself in five years. Jillian hates when people ask her about the future. Instead, she wants to talk about training and fitness competitions and sponsorships. My oh my she talks fast, and Chris is visibly overwhelmed. He visualizes unicorns and dancing fairies. Never a good sign. The date goes downhill from there, with Chris commenting in his private interview that they don’t have much of a romantic connection, it turns out. He clearly prefers a slightly more..genteel…girl. And one who speaks decidedly slower I bet. I like Jillian’s sass and passion for fitness but she could’ve sworn a bit less on this date. She’s feeling confident about heading back to the house later to gloat about her date but that won’t be happening because Chris opts to send Jillian home instead. “Maybe our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other,” he stutters. He adds that he doesn’t feel a connection in his gut. “I’m sorry I couldn’t share my heart with you,” says a tearful Jillian. She’s sent off in the Sad Gal limo.

The gals are shocked by the departure of Jillian, and see this as a signal to step up their game, as Chris isn’t hesitant to thin the potential wife herd. Megan pulls Chris aside from some blindfolded fruit tasting, and Ashley I. wants to drive it home to Chris that she’s a virgin. She’s exhausting. Chris is visibly surprised. Clearly he was half asleep during the camping confessional and didn’t pick up what she was putting down that night. She runs to Mackenzie to discuss, and now she’s in a tizzy because she thinks she’s maybe now coming off as “too innocent” and that’s why Chris wouldn’t kiss her during their chat. May I offer an alternate theory? Maybe it’s because you’re like an emotional Bosnia every week. She seems like…a lot of work.

So it turns out there are two virgins in the Bachelor house: Becca spills the beans on her sexual status. I recall that during the first episode, host Chris Harrison said that a virgin would be spending the night in a Fantasy Suite. I had assumed a second virgin would be revealed, as I didn’t see Ashley I. making it that far. So it’s a fairly safe bet that unless a third virgin emerges (for some reason I thought perhaps Britt would turn out to be a virgin as well), Becca will be going quite far in this ‘journey.’

Early frontrunner Britt pulls Chris aside and she’s feeling less solid in their connection. She is perturbed that Chris awarded a date rose to Kaitlyn after she shed her bikini top on a group date, because she wants to know “why those actions and behaviours are being validated.” This obviously resonates with Chris, but perhaps not in the way Britt had hoped. Honestly? He seems annoyed, but he recovers and thanks Britt for her honesty. He presumably immediately heads back in the house to make a speech, but it could just be the editing. Either way, Chris addresses his harem and says the following: “I’m here to find a wife, and if any of you question that you’re more than welcome to go home…if you feel that I’m not here for the right intentions. I will see you all at the rose ceremony.” Gauntlet thrown.

Lucky for Britt, her failed attempt to mask jealousy as moral concern doesn’t spell the end of the road for her. Once the rose dust settles, Nikki (practically invisible this whole run), Ashley S. and Juelia are the ones being sent home this week. Ashley S. walks out with no incident, but Chris asks to walk Juelia out. He super respects what she went through (her baby’s father killed himself) and doesn’t want to waste her time. “You deserve the best,” he assures her. They share a sweet goodbye. Oh snap, during the credits (which I usually don’t bother to watch) Ashley S. and her crazy eyes announces that she feels nothing. “I have no feelings.” Ok then.

Until next week!

*I don’t like camping.

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Three

20 01 2015

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 19, 2015).

Cue the ominous music – a certain fella by the name of Jimmy Kimmel is creeping through the grounds of Chris’s Bachelor Pad and it’s time to wake up and “start an amazing journey together.” He greets his “sister wives” and host Chris Harrison announces that Jimmy will be guest co-hosting this week and even planning some dates, starting with a date for Kaitlyn and Chris at…Costco. Ah, a man after my own heart. I LOVE COSTCO SO HARD. Where else can I buy a box of 48 taquitos, 150 pencils, a barrel of olives and the latest Dr. Phil hardcover? Nowhere. That’s where. Kaitlyn and Chris set about shopping as per Jimmy’s instructions, in preparation for a dinner they will cook later that evening. Shenanigans ensue, including rolling around in a giant plastic blue ball (not a euphemism for blue balls, I hope) and buying office chairs. Later they cook up some steaks and hang out in the kitchen being super cute together. Kaitlyn and Chris conclude that normal is where it’s at and helicopters and over-the-top dates are so last week (literally). Also, they joke about the fact that she laughs like a dude while he laughs like a chick (true story). This duo seems super at ease with each other. Jimmy arrives and pokes fun at Chris for having lipstick transfer on his face and Kaitlyn teasingly calls Jimmy a dick. Jimmy says marrying Kaitlyn would be like marrying “another guy” because she likes beef and whiskey, while she confesses that she’s into farmers and dated a cow farmer before. Over dinner, Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’d be pissed if her and Chris ended up together and she later found out he slept with other women in the Fantasy Suite. Her answer?: Nah. “Canadians are the best!” declares Jimmy, and then urges Chris to bang e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. A few threesome jokes and lots of laughs later, this date is clearly a winner. The best is when Jimmy totally rags on Chris’ speech-making abilities while he’s presenting Kaitlyn with the date rose, – “Are there people on the farm or just animals?” – and makes him start over. The shot later of Chris and Kaitlyn making out in a hot tub while Jimmy sits two feet away eating chicken wings and staring at them made me pee a little, I’m not going to lie.

Back at the Chick Compound, the group date card arrives for Becca, Kelsey, Amber, Britt, Jillian, Tracy, Mackenzie, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly.

Oh and there’s an “Amazing jar’, where one has to put in a dollar every time they say the painfully overused word. That jar is almost full already.

Jillian is little Miss Muscular and “in it to win it.” Her pre-date ritual consists of an ass ton of squats. Just wailing on that ass. Jimmy addresses the ladies on the group date and announces that they are on a Hoedown Throwdown date. Corn shucking, “erotic” goat milking, something about eggs, etc. These ladies have to be down for life on the farm after all. I like how they keep blurring Jillian’s ass like it’s THAT out of control. Oh my god it might actually be THAT out of control. Cut to me slow clapping. To her relief, Amber is eliminated before the milk drinking part which she’s happy about because it was apparently “salty and warm” and to quote Amber: “That’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” Boom.

In the end, Carly is the “winner” and gets a blue ribbon and some alone time with Chris during a photoshoot re-creation of the famous American Gothic painting. Later she gets “in the game” when she pulls Chris aside and plants one on him. He then makes out with Amber and Jillian in quick succession. Mackenzie calls him on it and it is super awkward and never has she sounded more like a 21 year old. We finally see Becca and Chris chat and they say bye with a hug. But don’t let that lack of kissing fool ya, Becca scores the date rose! Chris was totes smitten with her during the limo exits in week one, but she hasn’t had much screen time since.

The next solo date card arrives and it’s for a very relived (and still slightly cartoon-voiced) Whitney. This date is the polar opposite of a Hoedown and takes place in Heaven. Also known as a winery. Whitney launches right into a “what are you looking for?” chat and apparently it’s a woman who can “roll the cob.” I like that. The pair notice a wedding taking place nearby and Whitney suggests they should crash it. After getting fancy dressed and picking up a gift, Chris and Whitney attempt to go incognito at a wedding for some couple named Nick and Shannon who, after the airing of this episode, are about to have about 15,000 new Facebook friends, while Bachelor producers wander about trying to stealthily film their wedding crashing on their cell phones. They chat with the bride’s sisters and mother and Whitney totally “rolls with the cob.” Translation: Lies a lot. And does it well. They even take to the dance floor where Chris pulls out some fun dance moves including the ‘shopping cart,’ and the ‘make out during a slow dance.’ Sadly, Whitney doesn’t catch the bouquet, but she does snag the date rose. In his private interview, Chris says he can “absolutely” imagine Whitney being his wife. Wow! He is REALLY into wedding crashing.

Chris claims he’s not just here to “shower with Jimmy Kimmel” but that gives me the sads because the scene with them soaping each other’s backs in Chris’ outdoor shower is one I won’t forget for days. Ok, months. A now squeaky-clean Jimmy lets the women know that there will be no traditional cocktail party that night and instead there will be a daytime pool party, much to the dismay of Ashley I. who is devastated that she won’t be able to bust out her “Kardashian look.” Juelia tells Chris she “doesn’t care about material things” and “treasures people more” as a result of her former husband’s suicide shortly after she gave birth. He handles her emotional breakdown super well and barely seems to notice her insistence on wearing a jewelled headband to a pool party. Also at this point I’m convinced that someone on set is the designated “tissue holder”. Like, that’s their job. To walk around with tissues at the ready for these moments. I wonder if that job comes with a good dental plan.

Britt and Chris have a tête-à-tête. No, literally, they can barely keep their faces apart. Next, Jade steps up to the proverbial place and asks Chris for a tour of his living quarters. Jade, like, really, like, just wanted some time to, like, get to know Chris better. Amidst a lot of weird giggling she jumps (literally) into bed with Chris where they proceed to make out, and Chris labels it a “good idea.” Meanwhile, Jillian is waiting out in his hot tub and witnesses Chris and Jade quasi sneaking out of his place. Unfazed, Jillian and Chris get some make out time of their own before Ashley I., Mackenzie and Megan crash their hot tub party. Ashley I. is quickly becoming unhinged and upset at her lack of alone time with the Bachelor and she walks off in a bit of a huff, tossing her plastic (wine?) cup in the process. Chris shows up at the house and she practically rips his arm off dragging him upstairs to a a rooftop deck for private time. She laugh-cries her confession to Chris that she’s a “little upset,” but he makes her feel all better and then she kisses him super hard, almost causing both of them to fall of the roof. Seriously, he just prevented them from tumbling off a roof by grabbing onto a ledge.

Before handing out the roses, Chris sits down with Jimmy Kimmel who gives him this sage advice: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” CAN JIMMY KIMMEL HOST EVERYTHING PLEASE? This is the best episode of The Bachelor ever. Or should I say, the most AMAZING.

At the rose ceremony, those left without a rose and therefore off to the Sad Gal Limo are Trina, Tracy and Amber. No shockers there.

Until next week!


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