The Bachelorette (Andi) – Finale and After the Final Rose

29 07 2014

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the finale of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 28, 2014).

Guys, it finally arrived. The culmination of weeks of “y’all’s” and a self-imposed drinking game whenever anyone on the show says “journey,” so yeah, I’ve pretty much been tipsy every Monday night for the last two+ months.

Andi is (still) in the Dominican Republic with the final two men in her dude harem: Nick and Josh. It’s time for her final two suitors to meet her parents!

First to meet Andi’s mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law is Nick. He arrives with flowers for mom and booze for dad and is visibly nervous. Too nervous? Andi’s dad Hy comments that Nick appeared more nervous to meet the parents than any of Andi’s previous paramours. In Nick’s defense, most people don’t have to experience this on camera! Andi’s mom Patti notes that Nick seems “reserved” and “non-demonstrative”. Would you prefer that Nick hump Andi’s leg a little in front of you mom? WOULD YOU? Nick’s nervousness even worries Andi a tad, but things turn around when Nick gushes that Andi is the most wonderful woman he’s ever met and gives props to her parents for raising her so well. Andi’s sister Rachel inquires as to how Nick managed to score the first impression rose on night one and he mumbles out some sort of bullshit answer. Dude, make eye contact and stop with the mumbling and weird giggling. You’re the (perceived) front-runner – start acting like it!

When Nick engages in a tête-à-tête with Andi’s mom, he’s all “I love her in ways that I never thought I’d love somebody before” and “she lights me up” and ‘”I can’t see myself with anyone else,” and mom tears up. Nick has clearly won Patti over. We cut to Andi chatting with her sister, saying that Nick “sees my entire soul” and “makes me feel like a woman.” At this point I’m thinking Nick HAS to be the last man standing, right? They’re so obviously crazy about each other, and he’s obviously a way better match for her intellectually than Josh.

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Nick is going to ask Andi’s dad Hy for permission to get engaged. God, I love Hy. He’s so gruff but charming, and terrifying but huggable.

Andi's awesome dad, Hy Dorfman.

Andi’s awesome dad, Hy Dorfman.

Nick tells Hy “I know that your daughter is it for me” and Hy replies that “if it’s the two of you I think y’all will be a great fit.” Boom. Dad endorsement. Shortly thereafter, Andi and Nick say their goodbyes.

The next day it’s time for a sweaty, exuberant Josh (with flowers for mom and cigars for dad) to meet the family. Hy is eager to “compare” the two men. Josh is much more hands-on with Andi, and mom calls him “boisterous”. Because it’s almost all he talks about, Josh brings up the fact that on night one Andi likely had him pegged as the stereotypical “cocky” jock guy. When Andi steps away to chat privately with her sister, Rachel points out that not only is Josh Andi’s usual type but he lives in Atlanta too. Like, you came on this show to meet 25 dudes and basically ended up with a guy you could have found on Tinder while getting a pedicure? Andi swears that she was ‘won over’ and insists she went out of her way to “challenge” Josh and “he always stepped up” to it. She does muse, however, that whether or not Josh is “too good to be true” is something she may very well think “to the very end.” In fact, Andi says this so many times during this segment that I wonder if the producers cut some older footage from earlier in the season where she was commenting that Josh seemed too good to be true. It’s a tad overkill.

Josh is subjected to a tag-team inquisition by Rachel and her husband. He admits that his friends urged him to try out for the show and emphasizes that he wants to marry the crap out of Andi. Rachel seems impressed, and comments that Josh seems genuine. When Josh and Hy sit down to chat, Hy doesn’t pull any punches. He reminds Josh that their relationship has existed essentially in a bubble, like a “camp romance,” and is Josh sure he’s ready for ‘real life’? Josh claims he’s ready, and adds “I would love to make her my wife…and get your blessing.” Hy gives his blessing, but pointedly reminds Josh that Andi’s blessing is the one he should be worried about. Ha, good one Hy. Before Josh leaves, Andi’s dad jokes that Josh is “one of the two best people” he’s met out there, but in his private on-camera interview Hy does say he can totally see Josh as his future son-in-law. Hy’s not worried at all about the length of time they’ve known each other (and at this point I recall from when Andi was on Juan Pablo’s season that Andi’s parents only knew each other for four months before getting engaged).

The next day it’s time for the first of Andi’s final dates, and it’s Josh, not Nick, who will be joining her for this make-or-break island excursion. Andi confesses she’s looking for “clarity” on this date, and as a nod to their first one-on-one date they venture out on a sailboat. Over wine and between makeout sessions, Josh tells Andi he had a great time with her family and they talk about him asking Hy for his blessing to get engaged. Andi loves that she always just has fun with Josh, but again wonders “is this all too good to be true?” Either way, they jump into the ocean and make out some more.

During the evening portion of their date, the very affectionate couple toast to the future but then Andi confesses to wishing she “didn’t doubt so much.” Josh almost charms her out of her clothes (too bad she can’t charm him out of hose salmon-coloured pants), and then effectively changes the subject by presenting her with gifts (genius!). He gives her a custom baseball card featuring her potential married name (Andi Murray) and some cute stats on the back like “Games Played: Doesn’t Play Games” and “Errors: Can’t Dance and Swears Too Much”. Cute city! Oh my god, am I starting to like Josh??? Ok I confess, some of my defrosting towards Josh has to do with his amazing handwriting and an ass that just won’t quit, even in weird pants. Admittedly, they do look like a couple and those would be some ridiculously cute babies. My viewing mate R commented here that “they look like they’re about to do it” and I realize I would probs watch that sex tape. “He’s so confident in us but I’m the one who questions it all,” Andi admits at the end of their date.

The next day Andi (in a kicky braid) heads out to meet Nick for their ‘last’ date. She says she just wants to go to bed that night “knowing who is the one…for the rest of my life.” After off-roading for a bit they relax near a private lagoon. Nick tells Andi how much he loves her family, and she shares a cute story about how her brother-in-law asked Hy’s permission to marry her sister just moments before proposing. Nick reassures Andi that she would be his “priority” in whatever their future holds. They jump into the lagoon to cool off, but Nick’s voiceover confession certainly sends a chill down my spine: “If I don’t know it’s me, we’re not getting engaged.” Whoa. Since the other men outed him earlier in the season for “strategizing” and studying earlier seasons, it’s particularly shocking to hear Nick make this sort of confession when he must know that Andi is actually FORBIDDEN (likely with the threat of a major fine) to give any indication at this point as to who is ‘the one’ she will choose, especially to the men themselves.

Oh right, Nick was engaged before so that’s why he doesn’t want even “one ounce of doubt” before proposing. Dude, you went on the wrong show if assurances are what you were looking for. He lays it on pretty thick with Andi during a toast. She’d have to be headless not to figure out that he was gunning for some concrete proof of love here. “To an incredible nine weeks…to you, to being here with you right now, to our last date…but hopefully not our last date.” Yeah dude, subtle.

Later that evening, Andi quasi-teases Nick that he’s “working that brain, aren’t you?” Nick can barely make eye contact and he talks WAY TOO MUCH about how upset he was when his engagement fell apart. He mentions waking up the morning he was to propose and feeling like something wasn’t right. Either to shut him up or to reassure him that he is, in fact, her final choice, Andi gives him a somewhat reassuring pat and says “it’s gonna be alright.” Nick takes this as a sign that he will be the last man standing, and presents her with a necklace that has a vial of sand from the beach where he first told Andi he loved her. CUTE! Except the necklace is clunky and ugly. Details. She asks what a typical day together in Chicago would be like, and I start to forgive Nick’s neediness this evening when he says he’d text her “I love you a bunch” during the day. “Nick is basically everything I’ve been looking for in a man,” Andi says. Nick’s opinion of the evening? “Tonight went a long way in reassuring me.”

The next morning, Andi wanders out of her ground-floor hotel suite in a pink silk slip and just the hint of a bathrobe for coverage (as women are wont to do while on vacation in the Dominican???) to ponder on her big decision. She pushed Josh away, but he always came back (so basically you want to wife it up for a human boomerang?). With Nick she has intense feelings and an unrivalled intellectual connection as well as passion. “I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with,” she purrs. Nick. It’s gotta be Nick. It’s Nick, right?

Meanwhile, Nick feels reassured that Andi will pick him and so he has decided to propose. “Spending the rest of my life with Andi would be an adventure.” Josh confesses to feeling “very vulnerable” but never even considered not proposing to his dream woman. He certainly isn’t as confident as Nick that he’s Andi’s final pick.

As per usual (well, usual in the Bachelor/Bachelorette world) famed (?) jeweller Neil Lane arrives at Josh’s hotel room with the rings. I don’t really pay attention to what ring he chooses because I’m crossing everything on my body that Nick doesn’t pick an ugly ring. Then there’s a knock at Nick’s door and R practically jumps from the couch and is like “THAT’S NOT NEIL LANE THAT’S ANDI COMING TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.”

Yup. It is Andi at the door, not Neil Lane.

We cut back to the live studio audience who are awaiting the start of the After the Final Rose segment, but I don’t hear what Chris Harrison says because a noise came out of me that I’ve been told sounded not even remotely human. The live audience – initially silent – goes batshit crazy. Harrison draws out the tension, asking Juan Pablo reject Clare what she thinks is going to happen. She talks for about 2 minutes and manages to say NOTHING. Then Harrison goes to Farmer Chris (practically a lock to be the next Bachelor, though we actually still don’t know who that will be and Harrison has confirmed on his blog that no final decision has been made yet) who is pretty sure Andi’s arrival at his doorstep ain’t good news for Nick y’all.

Back in Nick’s hotel room, Andi tells him she “wanted to come and chat” and Nick looks like he’s about 4 seconds away from puking all over her face. “Alright,” he practically spits at her. They sit on the couch and Andi recalls Nick’s story from the night before about having a bad feeling the morning he woke up to propose to his ex. “I was thinking a lot about what you said last night,” she starts. “I thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t feel that something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” This admission causes Nick to move back to sit as far away from her as two people can possible be on the same couch.

“The last date I wanted to just have fun and relax and as hard as I tried I couldn’t do that,” she begins, and adds “life with you would be me over-analyzing every single moment.” Well, Andi has a point there. These two may have an amazing intellectual connection, but they do both overanalyze A LOT and that could get exhausting. Josh seems…easier. Not my type, but maybe easier is better for Andi? Nick is completely gutted, and can’t even look at her to say “when you looked at me the way you do sometimes, and the way you talk to me and the way you respond to me, I just took it that you meant it.” He mumbles (seriously I had to re-watch this part to ensure I heard him correctly) that Andi “took it too far” with him. Andi starts to cry and apologize and then they’re walking to the door and awkwardly hugging goodbye. OF COURSE it’s now pouring rain out. Perfect. Back in his room, Nick tosses his collection of rose ceremony flowers in the trash. Flopping into the Sad Sack SUV with his luggage, Nick is initially speechless. After an extended period of stunned silence, he whispers “I feel like such a fool.” And later: “She asked me to trust her…I thought we just got each other. I was so confident about us. What is she doing?” Nick sounds absolutely tortured. “I really thought she was it.”

Back in studio, host Chris Harrison reveals that since that day, Nick has “repeatedly tried” to sit down with Andi to talk but she has refused to meet with him. Well, that’s about to change because Andi and Nick will, in fact, face off later in the After the Final Rose special.

Back in the Dominican, Andi is looking radiant in a beautiful cream-coloured Grecian-style dress. Josh is getting ready and tears up when he says “I am so excited to be here with Andi.” Well buddy, that’s good to hear because you are about to be engaged. Hard.

After a brief car ride, Josh (sweating through his ass) is greeted by Chris Harrison and led to Andi. He starts his ‘god I hope you picked me’ speech by saying “When I decided to give up baseball, my first love,” I groan SO HARD I actually miss the next part but then he says “and then I found you Andi Dorfman and my life changed forever…I knew that I wasn’t alone anymore, that it wasn’t just me, that it was us, together.”

“It’s definitely been a journey,” Andi begins. Oh for those who are playing along at home with the whole chug some booze every time someone says ‘journey’ on The Bachelor/Bachelorette you were probably pretty tanked by this point, right?

“Josh, I loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you!” Andi gushes. “REALLY?!” I screamed at the TV.

“The truth is that from the first time I met you I was scared, and when you said the next person you said ‘I love you’ to that she would be your wife…I took that seriously,” she tells him. “You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Andi accepts Josh’s proposal, and he in turn accepts the final rose with an exuberant “yes ma’am.” I admit: these two have won me over. Plus, again, their babies will be ridiculously adorable. They say “I love you” like 57 times and Andi adds “forever.”

Back in the studio it’s time for After the Final Rose. Chris Harrison emphasizes that “Nick was devastated, the likes of which we hadn’t really seen on this show before.” We are shown a clip of Nick wandering the streets of Chicago looking completely miserable. “I definitely didn’t see it coming,” his voiceover laments. “I’m not over her. I felt like she gave me purpose.” Seemingly as equally broken-hearted is Nick’s mom who says that this has torn their family apart. #sadbachelor #sadmom

So it turns out that Nick was at the taping for the Men Tell All that aired last week. He knocks on Chris Harrison’s dressing room door and pleads his case. He moans that he’s still in love with Andi, and Chris agrees to see if Andi will meet with him to talk. He returns with the news that it’s “not the right time,” so instead Nick gives Chris a letter to deliver on his behalf. Chris delivers the letter to Andi who stares at it forever and a day. We don’t see at this point if she actually reads it.

Back in the live studio, Nick joins Chris on stage. “Obviously, you were blindsides,” starts Captain Obvious. Nick says that the hardest part of being dumped by Andi has been that he believed so much in their “connection”. Chris reveals that Nick actually reached out to Andi twice since leaving the show (including once when she was vacationing in Mexico – stalker-ish!), but she has turned him down both times. Nick claims that wanting to talk to Andi has nothing to do with wanting to change her mind, but rather to get some closure. OH MY GOD PEOPLE STOP TALKING ABOUT CLOSURE. IT’S NOT A THING!!

Nick does add that “Josh is a great guy and he has a huge heart…but I will always wonder about what could have been.” That’s quite a change in tone from when he was initially dumped and couldn’t wrap his brain around Andi picking Josh. They cut to commercial and then we see the standard ‘Andi as Bachelorette holding the rose’ screen slide……….but nothing. Just that. After a delay lasting almost three minutes (!) we’re back in studio. So weird. R and I assume that they probably tape the ‘live’ special with a slight delay, and we joke that maybe Nick hyperventilated and needed medical attention before Andi came out on stage; hence, the delay in returning after the commercial break.

Andi comes out to join Nick and they’re both nervous smiles and hand wringing. “I wanted the opportunity to express to you…what I felt about the relationship,” he begins. Andi reveals that she read his letter, but doesn’t elaborate. Nick thanks her for reading the letter and my whole body cringes. “I was so heartbroken…you made me feel like I could find that kind of love again,” he says. Andi counters with “that’s why it was so hard breaking up with you.” Nick adds that watching the show back hasn’t given him any clarity as to why Andi didn’t want to be with him in the end.

Chris Harrison asks Andi if she loved Nick. “I was not in love with him… how do you compete with a greater love? It’s not that something was wrong…it’s just something was more right.” Makes sense.

And then

Oh god.

He didn’t.

He did.

“Knowing how in love with you I was…if you weren’t in love with me I’m just not sure why you made love with me”.

Gasp from audience.

An “OH HELL NO” from me.

Oh yes. He did. No one to make the final three (and therefore to have access to the ‘Fantasy Suite’ and all that it may or may not entail) has ever come right out and said ‘we totally banged, but he/she didn’t pick me.’ And there have been an asston of insane rejectees on this show, yet they’ve all managed to either keep their mouth shut or there’s significantly less banging then we presume going on in those Fantasy Suites. That would hurt my heart y’all. It really would.

Andi, to her credit, barely falters and maintains her cool. For the record, I’d be winding up for the world’s hardest taint punch. R comments that she would have 100% “gone completely Solange Knowles” on his ass.

“That was below the belt,” she tells Nick, who argues that they engaged in “fiancé type of stuff.” Now Andi is getting angry. “I knew how you felt which is why that morning I came to you and said those things.” She agrees that the two had a great relationship while it lasted and did indeed share an amazing connection. She also says she didn’t want to put him through another (failed) engagement.

As an aside: interestingly, Nick’s bombshell occurred almost exactly three minutes after the return from commercial break, meaning that if the producers had been using a standard two-to-three minute ‘delay’ in the live feed, this would exactly account for the frozen title screen and almost three minute delay in returning to the live show after that last commercial break. Me thinks after Nick’s little stunt that The Bachelorette producers stopped to see if Andi was comfortable in that footage airing, and she apparently agreed. This is, of course, just me guessing. I haven’t been able to confirm anything. My web search, however, led me to some interesting tweets and blog posts about Nick’s sex secret reveal. Here’s one I found particularly interesting (source):

“What’s different is that in the traditional version of this narrative, this comes from the woman. Maybe Nick was trying to embarrass or shame her,   maybe he was trying to make her uncomfortable. But if this had been the other way around — a woman complaining that a guy shouldn’t have had sex with her if he didn’t love her — there’d be no assumption that the revelation of sex itself was supposed to reflect poorly on him. It would be about false pretenses only.

Also, this graphic cracked me up.

 

OH NO YOU DIDN'T

OH NO YOU DIDN’T

After the intense Nick/Andi segment, we are shown a preview of the craziness that will be ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ which starts next week. Oh god I’ll totally watch it. I love that R and I both said “EEEEEWWWW” when we were shown a clip of Cody making out with someone.

Back in the studio, Josh and Andi are making their first official public appearance as an engaged and evidently VERY IN LOVE couple. “Madly in love!” Josh practically screams. They confess to wearing wigs and other disguises in order to see each other after filming wrapped without blowing their cover. They are very cute and clearly smitten with each other. I wonder if Josh heard Nick’s segment or if he’s aware that Andi and Nick hooked up?

The duo are already planning a Spring wedding and Andi isn’t pregnant yet but Josh says he’s “trying”. Ha.

So that’s it. Another season of The Bachelorette is in the books, y’all. Hit me up in the comments with your thoughts on the finale.

xo

 





The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Nine

24 07 2014

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week nine of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 14, 2014).

Apologies for having fallen two weeks behind in my Bachelorette recaps. In my defense, I was in beautiful British Columbia for 10 days, drinking all the wine and wondering why I don’t live there (at least part-time). So now I’m back and playing catch up, starting with the July 14 episode – the final three men and potential overnight dates in the Fantasy Suite.

Andi and the final three studs in her dude harem are in the Dominican Republic, and after a thorough(ly boring) recap of all of their “qualities” Andi waxes poetic about feeling quite strongly that she will find her future husband in the end.

First up for dates this week is Andi’s perceived favourite, Nick. In typical Bachelor/Bachelorette fashion, they board a helicopter and head to a private island where they undress in slow motion and make out in the ocean. “It’s that adult romance with Nick,” Andi gushes. And Nick likes that they “just fit.” Andi’s got breakups on her mind; particularly, the circumstance surrounding the demise of Nick’s last two serious relationships (including one that was an engagement). Nick is all ‘it’s cool’ but admits that he didn’t want to really talk to anyone for six months. Six months! After much stuttering and still no ‘I love you’ from Nick, Andi finally suggests they go snorkelling and Nick appears visibly relieved.

Later that evening, things seem unusually forced between the two as they recap their favourite parts of the day. Andi segues into a line of questioning about whether or not Nick is clumsy and then he presents her with an illustrated story he wrote about a “princess” from “the magical land of Los Angeles” who is on a love “quest”. Andi LOVES IT, and Nick even pokes fun at his crappy attitude in France. “There was no doubt for Nick that Andi would be his princess,” he reads. She especially appreciates that Nick has left some blank pages. Oh my god you guys, it’s because their STORY ISN’T OVER. Nick accepts Andi’s invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, and jokingly warns her that he is likely to “talk her ear off” all night which I sincerely hope is a metaphor for anal sex because all that talking sounds exhausting. Joking, guys! Sort of. Nick leads Andi as far away from the cameras as possible (but obviously they are found and still connected to microphones) where he eventually spits out an “I’m really I love with you” followed by a “when you know, you know.” Andi replies “I love hearing that”. They make out under a palm tree and he totally grabs her ass and she does that cute hand in his pocket thing and there’s no doubt these two are gonna bang it out tonight in the Fantasy Suite.

Later that week (presumably after her vag has recovered from her Nick-at-night-a-thon), Andi and Josh unite for their (possibly last) date. “When I’m with Josh I definitely get giddy,” she purrs. They wander around a village and drink sugar cane juice and Josh shows off his Spanish skills and they play some baseball with the local kiddies. Josh really wants Andi and the viewers to know that he’s in love with her – “I am totally in love with Andi!” – even though he knows she can’t say it back. With the Fantasy Suite key heavy on her mind, Andi and Josh somewhat relax over dinner. Josh is worried he came off as “cocky” on night one. Josh and Andi discuss what kind of parents they would be (“protective” and a “softy”, respectively). Josh sees her as his future wife and the mother of his children. “I’ll put up with you…will you put up with me?” he teases her. Andi confesses she worried Josh would never be the type to express his emotions to her so honestly. She didn’t know how he felt for the longest time, because he’s generally a happy-go-lucky kind of guy and it made her question the depth of their relationship. Andi now believes “deep down” that Josh is in love with her, and thus he is invited to spend the night with her in the Fantasy Suite after they take in a fireworks show. Yeah, this was never going to be a ‘separate rooms’ night. These two have been half-humping since night one and I’m fairly certain she gets pregnant just stepping into that hot tub with him. End scene.

Last up is farmer Chris. A total sweetheart, Andi looks legitimately thrilled to see him. The first few weeks, I wrote Chris off as a total yawn face but he’s really stepped it up recently and has emerged as the dark horse of the season. They head out on horseback and literally talk about agriculture (!) and even Andi’s horse is bored because it starts freaking out and Andi is terrified, and I’m reminded of a particularly stubborn horse I had to deal with in Costa Rica once. Have you ever tried reasoning with a horse? Believe me, it is pointless. They don’t care AT ALL when you tell them that getting thrown from a horse into a rocky stream does not go with your outfit.

Things go a little smoother once Andi’s back on two feet. She tells Chris she loved his family (they were my favourite!) and he is happy to report that the feeling was mutual. After the world’s lamest game of hide-and-go-seek, they make out adorably in the fields in the most perfect pre-sunset light. Despite how cute and cuddly they are, in her voiceover Andi confesses that when it comes to spending the night together she’s “still not sure that Chris and [her] are at that point yet.” During the evening portion of their date, Andi’s admits she loved spending time with Chris in Iowa more than she thought she would because, you know, it’s Iowa. Chris assures her that “two people that truly believe they are meant to be together can make most anything work.” Well said, farmer Chris. A tearful Andi counters with “there’s a struggle between seeing what an amazing person is right in front of me, and then also being unsure about it.” Oh shit. Looks like Chris is on the express train to Dumpsville. Chris gives a sweet speech about his strong feelings for her and this only makes Andi cry harder. “In all honesty, I don’t know if I see myself in Iowa but there’s also more to it,” she sobs. “I don’t think that it’s fair to make you sit here for days and wait for a rose ceremony.” An “incredibly disappointed” Chris takes it well, and tells her he respects her honesty. Andi says she feels like an idiot for not being in love with him. “Look at you…you’re smart and successful…the family that you have…everything on paper is…” Andi stammers and Chris reassures her that it’s ok. “My head and heart don’t match up,” she says, and Chris holds it together despite being obviously heartbroken. She walks him out and can’t stop crying and apologizing. “I want your feelings to be for me and if you’re not I want to go home. You did the right thing. You’re an amazing woman…it wasn’t meant to be.” AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH dammit Chris! Stop being so cute. Chris is heading home to Iowa.

Later that week, Andi sits down with host Chris Harrison to talk about sending farmer Chris home. She reiterates that her feelings just weren’t as strong for him as they are for Josh and Nick. “He was as kind to me when I said goodbye to him as he was the day I met him…that’s a man who’s a class act in my opinion.” Hmm…Chris for next Bachelor?

Chris Harrison advises Nick and Josh that Chris won’t be joining them at the rose ceremony, and tells them that although Chris has left there will still be a rose ceremony. Andi lets them know she sent Chris home because she “didn’t see a future with him,” and ultimately both men accept her roses, and as such will be meeting Andi’s family.

That’s it for this week. Kind of a snoozer, right? So, any predictions – will Andi pick Josh, Nick, or neither? Hit me up in the comments.





The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Eight

8 07 2014
Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week eight of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 7, 2014).
It’s hometown week on The Bachelorette! This is the week where Andi gets to meet the families of the four remaining men and get insight into who will go bald, who has a bitchy sister, who has the cutest nephews and nieces, and who was a total uggo as a kid.
To kick things off, Andi meets Nick in Milwaukee. They head to the local market, where Andi tries on a chees hat and they kiss everywhere. Then the cute couple venture to Lakefront Brewery (dream date!) to test out the custom Nick and Andi ‘Perfect Brew’ beer. They seem like they’ve been dating forever, and the (minor) drama surrounding Nick the past few weeks seems to have faded away. Nick teaches Andi how to dance polka, and then they are off to Nick’s family home in Waukesha where we learn that he has like 47 brother and sisters. I’m barely exaggerating: there are ten of them, including Nick.
Nick’s family seems lovely, and when he reveals that he got the first impression rose on night one, he jokes that it’s because Andi “felt sorry” for him. Nick confides in his sister Maria that he’s fallen for Andi, and she confirms that Andi “seems real…definitely your type.” Maria gets a bit emotional speaking to Andi later, because she’s worried that Nick will get hurt again (and she reminds us that he had been engaged at one point). Andi is a hit with Nick’s sister, who thinks she’s “be a great fit” for him and the family.
Nick also has a very young sister named Bella, who has a few questions of her own for Andi. First: what do you like most about him? Andi tries to explain what a “mental connection” means to a 10 year old. Ha. When Bella asks “do you truly love my brother?” Andi responds that he’s “amazing” but it’s all a bit of broken telephone later when Bella relays to Nick that Andi is definitely super in love with him too. It’s all kind of cute, actually.
Nick gushes to his mother that he can see spending the rest of his life with Andi, and they both start to cry. He refers to Andi as “a half of me that’s been missing” and mom just wants to see him happy (well, duh). She knows that her son would treat the woman he loves as well as he’s treated her. Cute overload!
Rejoining Nick’s entire (massive) family, they put Andi on the spot to see if she can name each family member on the GIANT WALL OF FAMILY PORTRAITS. She nails it. But she doesn’t nail Nick, because it’s time to go. While parting ways, Nick’s voiceover says he doesn’t tell Andi he loves her because he’s pretty confident he’s sticking around to next week and will have more time. “I don’t think of her as The Bachelorette anymore,” Nick says. I think of her as my girl.”
Next up we’re in Arlington, Iowa, which sounds made up. It’s time for Andi to visit farmer Chris. I’ve been referring to Chris as yawn face for a few weeks but he’s really impressed me lately and is totally dark horsing the shit out of this show. It doesn’t hurt that Andi thinks he looks super hot in his plaid shirt and best. She arrives at his lovely and very clean and well decorated ‘farm house’ and it’s beautiful and idyllic there. Andi is visibly impressed. They go for a ride on his tractor (not a euphemism) and Andi thinks Chris is just the “epitome of man” and the “hottest farmer ever.” Andi gets a turn to drive the tractor (insert a ‘handling stick’ joke here, as you please) and then they sit down in the fields to enjoy a picnic lunch.
The thought of what life in rural Arlington would be like is heavy on Andi’s mind, particularly in relation to her career. After all, Andi is an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta. She asks Chris “what would I do for work here” and as we saw in the previews last week he responds “there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker” BUT IT’S ALL JOKES Y’ALL. Chris is totally kidding. Andi’s fallen for farm life, and apparently Chris too. She’s not jst a city girl, and speaks about time spend out in Alabama at a family cottage, hunting and getting her hands dirty. “This love is definitely beginning to take off” Chris says, and shortly after a plane flies overhead with a banner reading “Chris Loves Andi.” I’m dying. I’m dead. WELL PLAYED! As for Andi’s thoughts on the declaration? “That melted my heart.”
Later at Chris’ family home, Andi is introduced to ne of the loveliest broods ever. They’re all WHITE TEETH BLONDE HAIR HAPPY HAPPY. His mom raises a glass to Andi, saying how excited they all are to meet her. I’m focused on what they’re actually eating, which appears to be lamb. Fancy! Chris and his family are cute and funny and obviously very close. Someone tells a fart joke and it’s revealed by his sister Lori that Chris used to only wear underwear on school days. Sitting down with his three sisters later on, they gush about how hard working Chris is, while outside Chris and his mom chat around a fire. CAN I MOVE IN?????? Mom asks Chris if Andi could see herself living on a farm, and we learn that she wasn’t a farm girl to start: she was from a ‘city’ and first experienced farm life after marrying Chris’ dad and she loved raising kids and building a life in that environment.
When Andi chats with his mom, she emphasizes that she’s ready to get married and start a family and his mom is all “You’d have gorgeous kids! I’ll babysit! You can totally have a career here!” I love her. Andi and his mom are eve holding hands when they get up from their conversation. Well, I’m totally in love with this family. Looks like Andi is too! When Andi is leaving, Chris says “I told you that you would fit in like a puzzle piece.” They say their goodbyes and Chris is “hoping like crazy that she feels the same way about me that I feel about her.”
The third hometown date of the week is Josh in Tampa, Florida. He’s been living in Atlanta for a bit, but this is where his family hail from. So Josh is undeniably handsome and charming but Andi still seems a teensy bit weary/unsure around him. She has mentioned in earlier episodes that he represents her usual “type” and that he reminds her of some of her exes. They hit up the baseball diamond (predictable, as Josh is a ‘former pro ball player’, whatever that means). It turns out that Josh hasn’t played in seven years, and still has a love/hate relationship with the sport. Andi takes a turn at bat, where she manages to crack a bat in half. Afterwards, they sit around to chat and the topic turns to Josh’s brother Aaron, a college football player who is trying to go pro. They talk about Aaron for so long that I start to get this weird feeling that Josh is maybe using the show to ‘promote’ his brother. Eek.
Arriving at Josh’s family home, Andi is greeted by a large dark-haired and very attractive family. Josh starts to cry because he’s missed them so much. There’s also a bulldog named Sable that steals the show. They sit down to eat and IMMEDIATELY the topic turns to Aaron and his football prospects. Um, hello? Your son is here with a girlfriend who he met on TV. Nothing about that? Ok then. Andi understands that the family is super focused on Aaron right now, but she wants them to be excited about/for Josh too (though I can’t actually remember what his job is).
Josh’s mom pulls Andi aside for some private talk, and she looks young enough to be his sister. She tells Andi she “can tell that Josh is in love” but also says she can’t see him “cutting the chord” from Aaron and his football dreams/the family. WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT AARON? Andi’s voiceover expresses concerns about having to spend every weekend driving to and from various games, so when Josh’s dad asks her if she’d be into that life she lets out a slow “yesssssssss(?)” Josh’s sister Stephanie (clearly the brains of the bunch) is very candid, telling Andi that the family (and Josh) are so sports obsessed that “you’re probably going to fight about it.”
Josh admits to his mother that he’s falling in love with Andi and that it “really does happen” on TV/The Bachelorette. Mom is thrilled, telling him that he’s put himself last for so long. Things turn around when Aaron tells Andi that this is Josh’s time to be happy and focus on himself. Even mom admits in her private interview that Josh needs to make his wife a priority and live life for himself. The night caps off with a game of touch football on the grass.
The final hometown date this week takes place in Dallas, Texas, current residence of Marcus (originally from Alberta, Canada). According to Marcus, he was “ready to get down on one knew a week ago.” Whoa there, easy cowboy. Marcus is wearing the shit out of some shorts and has fantastic legs and god I love a dude in converse shoes. I really do.
Marcus and Andi venture inside some weird looking bar/theatre and he pours her some champagne and then leaves her sitting on a couch. He returns dressed in his pilot costume from earlier in the season, and in a nod to that group date performs a stripper dance for Andi who loves every minute of it because, as she puts it, Marcus is just “SO HOT”. Buttt…couldn’t they have found something better to do with that time? It’s TEXAS! Oh well. Andi purrs that Marcus is “one of the hottest guys” she’s ever dated. Sadly, he has to put his shirt back on so they can leave. They stroll through cute shop-lined streets and Marcus confesses that he’s only ever brought one girl home to meet his family and that was three years ago. He also tells Andi: “you’re everything to me and I love you very much.”
Sports Medicine Manager Marcus has been open about his family issues (absentee dad, no longer really in the picture and his mom had some issues as well) so Andi doesn’t know what to expect but his family turns out to be so, so lovely. Marcus’ niece presents him and Andi with homemade friendship bracelets and they put them on, much to her delight. Marcus’ sister Kathy (?) tells Andi that he was “glowing” when he came into the house. Andi reveals that she likes his “strength” but admits she was a bit worried about how quickly he fell for her. In her voiceover, Andi says that there’s a part of her that worries if she can “catch up” to him on that level. Andi has clearly won over his sister, because she just wants to hug the girl that “makes him that happy.” Outside with his brother Conrad, Marcus gets emotional while thanking Conrad for being the father figure after their dad left. Conrad says he hasn’t seen Marcus so crazy about a woman before, and thinks Andi is “fun and down-to-earth.” They hug it out, handsomely.
When Andi and Marcus’ mom Helena sit down to chat privately, she asks Andi what makes her son special. Andi responds that he’s “humble, confident and mature” and says that Marcus has been very open about his past with her. Mom seems a bit surprised at that, saying that he is typically more reserved so he must trust her very much to open up. Mom tells Andi that she is “bright, intelligent and beautiful” and that Marcus has “sparkles in his eyes.” Later, Marcus tells his mother that he feels “very happy and complete” around Andi and “at peace and fulfilled.” Mom is thrilled and thinks Andi is amazing. When they say their goodbyes, it’s super romantic and Marcus tells Andi “I love you, I truly do.” Andi muses that life with him “would be a fairy tale.”
Following hometown dates, everyone gathers back in LA as per usual but Chris Harrison asks the four remaining men and Andi to come to his house, where he tells them that Eric Hill has passed away. Everyone becomes emotional and it’s obviously a huge shock. Marcus is so distraught he leaves the room and Andi goes after him but tells him they have to go inside and “do this together.” Chris Harrison, Andi, Nick, Marcus, Chris and Josh are comforted by producers (including Elan!!!) and Andi really breaks down talking to a producer named Alicia I think about her last conversation with Eric. The night he left the show, things had gotten a bit heated and Andi feels a lot of guilt that their last moments together were spent upset at one another.
She pulls it together for the rose ceremony the next day (after confiding in Chris Harrison that “there’s a part of me that feels guilty having happiness out of all this”), but standing before the remaining men she begins to cry again and is comforted by Chris Harrison in an adjoining room. She worries that she can’t be strong for the men but Chris reminds her that they’re all trying to be strong for her too. She returns to hand out the roses, saying “we’re all in this together…I’m here for you.” Before handing out the first rose of the night, Andi tells the men that the amount of love she received from their families “was more than I even expected.”
At this point, my viewing mates and I are thinking it’s likely Josh will be sent home, possibly Chris (despite his great hometown date) simply because Nick and Marcus have been frontrunners since the very early weeks. So when the first rose goes to Josh, my viewing mates and I actually shrieked “WHAT?????!!!” at the TV. When the second rose goes to Chris I think I threw up a bit in my mouth. Ultimately, Marcus is the one sent packing tonight. Whoa. I was so sure he was final two, if not ‘the one.’
Sitting on the rejection bench with Andi, she tells a stunned Marcus that he “would give me the workd and…I would be lucky to be with you” but that ultimately he was in love with her and she wasn’t quite there yet. “You did nothing wrong!” she emphasizes a few times. “You’ve been open and vulnerable to me.” At this point Andi is really crying and starts to crumble when Marcus responds: “I don’t know what to do from this point on. You were everything to me.” Andi’s parting words to a devastated Marcus are “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me…you did everything right.” Marcus drives away in the sad sack limo and Andi looks completely gutted. In the car, Marcus confesses that he feels like an idiot, and adds “the sad thing is I’m still going to miss her…I’m still in love with her.” Ouch. As the credits rolled I turned to my viewing mates and predicted that “Marcus is going to revenge fuck half of Texas to try and get over her.”
So what are your thoughts on Marcus’s shocking departure? Does this mean Nick is a lock to be the last man standing? Did she send Marcus home now because bringing him to the final two knowing that she was going to pick Nick would hurt him too much? Or will Chris continue to Dark Horse the shit out of everything? It can’t be Josh in the end, can it?

Hit me up in the comments.

xo

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The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Seven

1 07 2014

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week seven of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 30, 2014).

Welcome back and happy Canada Day! I’ve just returned from an extra-long weekend at the cottage, and I may still smell of bug spray, sunscreen and Palm Bays but I couldn’t wait to catch up on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette.

Andi and her dwindling man harem are in Brussels, Belgium this week. It’s Andi’s last week of “dating” before hometown dates, and the pressure is on!

“Dude, we’re in Brussels. This is sweet,” says someone probably horrible but I can’t remember who. Chris Harrison arrives at the bro-tel to talk to the dudes in their suite, and apparently he didn’t get the scarf memo: Chris, Marcus and Nick are all sporting complicatedly-knotted scarves. Chris Harrison announces that there will be two one-on-one dates and a group date this week, but throws the dudes a curveball: there will be no roses on the one-on-one date but there will be one on the group date.

The first date  goes to Marcus. Total yawn face Chris is bummed and god is Dylan STILL on this show? Andi and Marcus set out, wandering the streets of Brussels and eating chocolate and taking selfies. They sit down over mussels (JEALOUS). Marcus starts talking about “looking back in his journal” and Andi interjects with “have you been journaling?” and I want to shout that IT’S NOT A VERB, but whatever. Marcus looks cute. She brings up the fact that Marcus mentioned last week that he thought about leaving the show, but apparently he only almost-bailed because he had too many feelings. Or something. He tosses in an “I’m in love with you” and Andi is “glad” he stayed, and gushes that Marcus is soooooo romantic.

Later that evening, Andi and Marcus reunite for more eating. She asks him who she would meet if they go to Marcus’ hometown. Marcus admits that his dad doesn’t really play a role in his family. He actually uses the term “abandonment issues” and between this and the journaling I’m smelling some major therapy debt. Andi and Marcus get really deep into family talk, and he reveals that his mother was quite brutal with him but that things are ok between them now. When Andi asks if there was an “a-ha moment” (we can forever thank Oprah for that one) I realize they might be perfect for each other. I’ve been taken aback by how forward Marcus has been with telling Andi he’s fallen for her, but it really does seem quite “natural” between these two and even seems like they’ve been dating for a long time. “There is no rose on today’s date, but I am excited and ready to meet his family.” Marcus feels like Andi is definitely the one for him, and has never felt this way about anyone else. Wow, these two are full-on.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and it’s (shockingly) for Josh. I suspect this is more of a fact-finding mission for Andi than an indication of Josh as a front-runner. Nick just doesn’t stop talking and about half of it sounds condescending, and he’s either an actual sociopath or the producers are really trying to create the illusion of drama in a season that has been relatively drama-free. Nick was one of my early favourites but the last few episodes I’ve started to think that what I initially interpreted as  shyness when it comes to him is perhaps arrogance mixed with a hint of snottiness. It irks Nick to no end that Marcus returns from his date in an obvious good mood. So he decides to douche it up a notch, calling the conversation about Marcus and Andi’s date “awkward”. He leaves the man suite and cons the front desk clerk into giving him the key to Andi’s room, calling her his “wife” and saying he lost his room key. And forgot his room number. This works.

Andi comes to the door and is visibly shocked to see Nick. She asks if anything is “wrong” and in his private on-camera interview Nick admits to liking how worried she seemed when he showed up at her door because maybe she thought he was taking off.  So to reiterate, Nick finds it “comforting” that when he surprises Andi in her room she asks if he’s ok, because to him that translates to her being worried he could cut and run at any minute and show up in her hotel room to dump her on national television. Kind of gross, no? Luckily a camera crew is around for this impromptu date, where Andi and Nick chat and make out at a café. And then make out some more under a tree. The word that best describes their relationship, says Andi, is “passion.”

The next day Andi and Josh are in Ghent for their date. While their physical attraction to one another seems intact, something about Andi’s voice and demeanor is making me think she’s not as into Josh anymore. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he wouldn’t shut up about having to take a lie detector test on the last group date. She seems to struggle even to make eye contact with Josh when they talk about her potentially visiting his hometown next week. “I just wish Josh would be more open with his emotions,” Andi complains.

For the evening portion of their “fun” date, Andi brings her “strong feelings” for Josh to the table. He confesses to hating group dates, especially having to watch Andi talk to other guys. After complaining AGAIN about the lie detector test, Josh emphasizes that it’s not a “too good to be true” situation with them. “There’s a part of me that does think (that),” Andi tells him.

Josh tells Andi that she will love his family and then the magic words to Andi’s ears: “I am falling in love with you.” To her credit, Andi pretends to look shocked, but this was EXACTLY what she wanted to hear. Exactly. “Very comforting for me to know how you feel about it,” she purrs. More kissing under perfectly lit archways and the standard end-of-date live band, and Andi declares it a “perfect” date.

The group date card arrives for Nick, Dylan, Brian and Chris (obvi), saying ‘true love is sacred’. “I am excited to never have to do a group date again, ever,” moans Captain Obvious (Nick). Andi says it’s the “most important rose of the season,” and the boys get to work trying to earn it! The group date starts off with Andi’s man harem peddling her around the country side (where Dylan actually shows some personality), and the group end up at the Maredsous Monastery. They monastery has a strict no kissing policy on the grounds, but apparently it doesn’t apply to the pottery studio where Andi steals Chris away to re-enact Ghost. That leads to kissing and that “spark” that Andi first felt with him on their one-on-one date early on this season. The duo return to the rest of the group, and Andi reveals that the recipient of the date rose will continue on a mini one-on-one date that evening while the rejects will be sent back to the hotel to, presumably, try on more scarves.

Dylan tells Andi that if she visits his hometown she’ll meet his grandmother and his mom and that he has a fun day planned. There’s some tension between “fake” Nick and nervous Brian while they sit around waiting for Andi to return from some private time with Dylan. Brian is tired of hearing about Nick’s ‘strategy’ all the time and Nick’s over-confidence seems to be rubbing all the other men the wrong way.

When Andi and Brian sit down, he tells her that he “legitimately thinks he’s falling in love,” and Andi honestly seems more amused than flattered. When Brian says “I think I have a really good shot at this rose, I really do,” I guess immediately that the rose will go to Nick which it ultimately does. “I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick boasts. Andi bids adieu to Brian, Chris and Dylan who ride away and swear about Nick winning the group date.

Back at the hotel, it’s a group hate-on for Nick who has apparently ‘studied’ every season (!) and is a “salesman”. Marcus comments that he thinks Nick will be final two and then “walk away.” Whoa. The other dudes really throw shade on Nick. On their extended date, Nick and Andi giggle and kiss and talk parenting styles for the kids they don’t have and are treated to a fireworks show. “She just feels like my other half,” Nick gushes. And Andi clearly feels the same way, saying she sees the “possibility of him standing at the very end.”

When Nick returns to the bro-tel, his greeting is chilly to say the least. A suuuuper long silence, punctuated only by Josh fake coughing, finally ends with Brian saying “I’m not going to beat around the bush…” and then all the men chime in, calling Nick out on trying to mess with their heads. Nick admits to watching “every episode of Desiree’s season” but insists he simply has strong feelings for Andi, and she’s the priority, not “the game.” Chris pipes in that Nick “obsessively” talks more about strategy than Andi and even has brought up “who’s gonna be the next Bachelor?” Nick really doesn’t give a shit what the other dudes think, and I can’t say I blame him, really. He stares into the camera in his private interview and says “I’m pretty confident I’m going to end up with Andi.”

At the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party, “everybody’s nervous” except for Nick of course, as his rose from the group date has secured his hometown date with Andi. “So much fewer chairs,” Dylan comments upon entering the sitting area. I think this might be the end of the road for Dylan, but who will be leaving with him? I would’ve thought Josh but he really turned things around on their date this week. So Brian maybe? Chris pulled a Patrick Swayze on the group date so that may buy him another week. Even Dylan knows he’s at risk of going home, and lumps Chris and Brian in with him. Marcus tells Andi he can’t wait to show her off, Josh says some crap too but I’m distracted by his ridiculously handsome face, and Chris tells Andi he’s fallen in love with her (too). Whoa Chris, really stepping it up! I had written him off a few episodes back but he’s looking like a strong contender for top three with Nick and Marcus. Dylan tells Andi he can “legit see” proposing to her in three weeks and she stares at the ground, and Brian gets  maybe 8 seconds of Andi time before being interrupted by Nick and addressing him as “Nicholas” before skulking away. Andi seems a little thrown off by Nick’s interruption because – as she points out – he already has a rose. Little does she know that when Nick talks about bringing Andi home to meet his family he cries. CRIES! My brain and my lady bits go into battle over Nick. I think maybe my bits win.

Chris asks to speak to Andi privately once again, and walks her outside to make out with her, thus securing his rose at the ceremony. Rather predictably, Dylan and Brian are sent packing back to the US. Andi cries, Dylan cries (“I deserve to fall in love again”), and Brian tells her she “deserves the best.” And cries. He also says he will be “furious” if she doesn’t get the guy she deserves.

So that’s it for this week. Hometown dates are up next, and based on the sneak peak we saw it looks like shit’s about to get real.





The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Six

24 06 2014

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 23, 2014).

Andi and her man harem are in “unbelievable” Venice this week. She’s riding on a gondola, staring off into the distance with her soul mate search game face on. There are eight dudes left y’all, and Andi has missed them terribly (but not Cody, because…it’s Cody). Andi reveals that the week’s first one-on-one will go to Nick. Cody is gutted, because he’s the only one of the remaining dudes not to have had a one-on-one with Andi. “It sucks,” he groans. Sorry bro. Andi realizes that picking Nick for a second one-on-one before taking Cody is not going to be a popular decision, but gosh darn Nick is just so cute and also she’s still a little unsure about him after his “salty” attitude on the group date last week.

The rejected men return to their hotel to lick their wounds and exclaim “NICE!” a billion times while taking in their hotel suite. Cody be trippin’ about not getting the date card, and lame face Chris makes attempts to comfort him on the patio.

Meanwhile, Andi and Nick are having a heck of a fun date, taking in the sites and strolling across bridges hand-in-hand. They pit stop for pizza then gelato and feed a flock of dirty diseased pigeons. I would lose my shit if a pigeon ever came that close to my face. Eventually they take the requisite Gondola Ride of Emotions™, and talk about the previous week’s weirdness and Nick’s alleged hostility towards Cody. He seems apologetic, and Andi appreciates him addressing it. Things seem much smoother between the two. “We’re back!”, Nick fist pumps.

Back at the Bro-tel, the group date card arrives for Josh, Brian, Dylan (ugh), Marcus, JJ and Chris. That means Cody’s getting his solo date after all! The men are all genuinely happy for Cody, who’s been nothing but nice but is clearly not a real contender for Andi’s heart.

On the evening portion of their date, Andi arrives on a gondola (yes, we get it, it’s Venice) wearing the shit out of a beautiful ball gown. She is greeted by Nick who’s ass looks amazing in a tux. Over a dinner that no one eats, Andi prods a bit more about why he was being maybe mean to Cody because Andi is more attracted to men who are liked by other men or something. “Do you think you’re a frontrunner?” she asks him point blank. “I don’t like the word…it’s hard to imagine anyone else ending up with you,” Nick states. “You’re my number one priority,” he adds. Andi gets a little dig in by saying “you thought you were going home, huh?”. Later, Nick tells her that “I can confidently say that I’m definitely falling in love.” Date rose? Check. They don masquerade ball masks and dance under the stars. Same old.

The next morning, a perky Andi receives yet another note from her ‘Secret Admirer.’ I watched the episode with my pal R who was all “is it Cody?” and I never stopped laughing. Doubt it.

It’s time for Andi’s group date, and Chris’s face is literally made of yawns. Her and her man posse enter a castle and marvel at the armour and weaponry. But alas, there will be no jousting for Andi’s heart today; instead, the men will be subject to a lie detector test. Chris confesses in his private on-camera interview that there’s something he’s been hiding and it will likely come out today. Is it that you seem kinda boring, Chris? Because one would have to be headless to not have picked up on that.

While milling about with the other dudes, Josh is all fake smiles and “how correct are these tests? I mean..really.” Um. Dude. May as well just announce that you’re a liar right now. Andi takes the test too, and claims that she’s “fallen in love.” Meanwhile, Josh continues to question the validity of lie detectors, so obviously he’s hiding something big like a third nipple or a secret family in Baltimore. JJ thinks he’s good in bed, and Marcus says he’s ready for marriage. Dylan admits to having slept with over 20 women (WHO ARE THESE WOMEN????) but also says he doesn’t always wash his hands after using the bathroom. Chris answers “yes” to the question “are you here for the right reasons,” and also admits to being Andi’s Secret Admirer. Whoa, didn’t see that one coming. Chris is suddenly like 7% more attractive to me, bringing him up to a respectable 8%.

Time for the results. You are…NOT THE FATHER. Wait, not that kind of results? Ok cool. Andi is told by the test administrators that there are definitely some liars in the bunch…but she’s one of them! The men read her results and it seems like she lied about Italy being her favourite country and about believing that all the men are there for the right reasons. Andi chooses to rip up the men’s results (amateur move) and Josh is all “that speaks volumes!” Translation: Josh is hugely fucking relieved.

During the evening portion of the group date, Brian takes Andi aside and sputters out some dumb crap (seriously, does he get MORE awkward every week?) and tells her to “ask me anything.” Andi’s first question is “have you ever lied to a girlfriend” to which Brian responds “no.” That turns into a weird “do you want to make out?” request from Brian to which Andi responds “no” and he calls her a liar and goes for her face. Well played, shy Brian.

Marcus and Andi get cozy, and he drops a bit of a bombshell on her: when he first realized he was “falling” for Andi, he went to the other men and said he was thinking of leaving because it was a weird environment or whatever but he slept on it and decided to stay because she’s “worth it.” Oh Marcus, nothing makes a girl feel prettier than knowing you almost cut and run but stuck around because basically you took a nap. Thanks.

Hanging out with the other men inside, JJ muses that he was probably one of the ‘liars’ and that he probably lied about being good in bed. Yeah, that sounds about right. Josh, meanwhile, is AGAIN complaining about having been forced to take a lie detector test. HEY JOSH YOU KNOW THIS WASN’T ANDI’S IDEA, RIGHT??? Fuck. He’s happy she ripped up the results, and Andi should be seeing about a million red flags right about now. This, of course, all leads to a ‘what are you hiding from me’ conversation and Andi legit regrets not reading the results now. In her private interview, she cries that “I don’t know how genuine this is.” Josh is starting to look shady as fuck.

Luckily, along comes yawn face Chris to cheer her up, by confessing to being her Secret Admirer. “I knew it,” Andi giggles. She calls him her “dash of hope.” Chris ultimately receives the group date rose, and once again the other men are all happy for him…well, everyone except JJ. The Pantsapreneur is sick and tired of everyone being all happy and supportive for each other when they get one-on-one dates/date roses/a scrap of attention from Andi. Chris wants to know what the alternative is? Are they supposed to hang around all day shit talking each other and being dickbags? Brian – always the voice of reason – is all “I just focus on the next opportunity to talk to Andi.”

The next day, Andi embarks on her first date with Cody. She mentions thinking he has beautiful eyes. Too bad about the rest of his face. She muses that “maybe Verona is the place for us to be romantic,” and I can actually hear the question mark in her voice. Doubt it, doll. My viewing mate R shouts “he looks like a lizard” at the screen and then refers to him as “Raisin Balls”. I don’t even want to admit how long it took me to realize that it was a steroids reference.

So anyways, Cody says he’s “ready to be Andi’s Romeo” and then I never stop throwing up. They head to that ‘Letters to Juliet’ place where volunteers respond to letters from lonely souls who write to ‘Juliet’ to moan about their love lives and lack thereof. Andi reads a sweet letter from recently divorced Mary, 36, from Los Angeles who’s trying to figure out the current dating landscape. Cody reads (!) a letter from a man named Jason who is almost definitely a major stalker and wants advice on capturing the attention (and hopefully the heart) of a woman he’s smitten with/probably currently watching through binoculars from a bush outside her duplex. Cody’s advice to Jason is to believe in himself and “have confidence”. He reads his response to Andi, saying “I can relate to how you feel because I feel the exact same way around the girl of my dreams.” Damn you Cody, making me like you.

Oh wait, hold the phone: I take it all back. Because Cody just showed up for his dinner with Andi wearing an aggressively deep v-neck t-shirt under a too-shiny gray suit made of nightmares and possibly reflective tape. All my lady bits shrivel instantaneously.

Cody starts the night off by reading Andi a letter he wrote to ‘Juliet’. It’s kind of sweet, because he reminisces about seeing Andi get out of the limo on the first episode of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor and being instantly enamoured by the “beautiful, down-to-earth girl with all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife.” I decide I’d be into Cody if I were blind until he says “I hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh poor Raisin Balls.

Andi looks like she’s about to cry. Cody is laying it on so thick and saying things like “the longer you keep me around the more you’ll like me” and he’s talking so incredibly fast and basically trying to convince Andi she likes him and then she starts crying for realsies. Cutting Cody off, Andi half-wails “I don’t know if I see that potential in a romance…there’s a huge part of me that feels like it’s not there and I respect you way too much to hurt you but I can’t take you to next week.” It’s a highly emotional moment, broken by R deadpanning: “Maybe you shouldn’t have worn that jacket, Raisin Balls.” Classic.

Andi walks Cody to the Reject Van of Broken Dreams (but at least it’s a BMW) where he cries, but I suspect at least 60% of his tears are the result of being hungry. They never let anyone actually eat on this show, and he’s probs due for his 8th protein shake du jour.

Back at the Bro-tel, the bellhop arrives and removes Cody’s luggage, thus signalling the end of Cody’s Creatine-filled ‘journey’. R’s boyfriend (who we force to watch Bachelorette with us but are fairly certain he’s secretly super into it) pipes up with “maybe he’ll be the next Bachelor” to which R and I pretty much shout “HELLS NO” into his mouth. We’re adorable that way.

At the pre-COCKtail party the following evening, tensions are high because of Nick. He’s being whispered about and called “arrogant”. Marcus and Andi get some time alone, where he tells her (again) that he’s falling in love with her. JJ spends his private time with our Bachelorette just trying to put his mouth on her mouth. Brian reads some horrible letter that’s all about how scared he is that he’s falling for her so quickly (which she LOVES). Josh is mildly combative and brings up trust again and he seems poised to be sent packing this evening. R comments that Josh should “just tell Andi you’re in love with her…it works!”. Dylan returns, after bailing on the rest of the group date due to a stomach bug (karma, dirty hands).

Chris Harrison arrives and swiftly takes Andi away so she can mull over her big decision. She can’t help smiling when she says that “Nick is starting to be a believer in all of this.” So clearly, he’s solidly back in her good books. Chris is shocked that Andi ripped up the lie detector results without at least peaking at them, commenting “how do you not want to know???”

Andi mentions that Josh reacted badly and was agitated about taking the test. Returning to her dudes, Andi kicks off the elimination ceremony by announcing that she’s “a very lucky girl”. Shockingly, Dylan gets the first rose. I had assumed that he would be left to the end against Josh and ultimately sent home, since I’ve not even seen him and Andi speak beyond two sentences to each other in weeks. But it turns out Josh is safe too, and the man going home this week is JJ. “It’s because you never wear socks!” R yells at the TV.

Andi walks JJ outside and tells him she just didn’t see a future. He’s bummed, but relieved she cut him loose sooner rather than later. Once inside the sad sack limo, JJ tears up, saying “it just hurts for your heart to be wrong.”

And that’s it for this week! Next week Andi and her man harem will be in Brussels. I can’t even describe how jealous I am.

XO





The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Five

17 06 2014

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 16, 2014).

So we’re back after a double episode week followed by a week sans Bachelorette*. I don’t know about you guys, but I couldn’t wait to see what Andi and her man harem got up to this week.

Andi is in romantic Marseille, the “perfect place to fall in love.” Speaking of douche-canoes (just go with it), Andrew has spent ‘some time’ in St Tropez and Monaco so he’s feeling right at home in Marseille. The men settle into their hotel suite, where Josh receives the first one-on-one date card.

Meanwhile, Andi is having a tea party for one when Chris Harrison arrives all dashing and manly in a fisherman sweater and blazer. Apparently they are in different climates, because Andi’s sporting a leather mini. Chris kind of hits on Andi for a few moments before finally asking her if she’s falling in love. She confesses that she’s falling for more than one of the dudes.

She arrives at the hotel to collect a very excited Josh and I notice immediately that she’s wearing white jeans (I always think “SO BRAVE” whenever I see someone wearing white pants, like they’re an actual hero or something). The chemistry between Andi and Josh is palpable. They’re obviously super attracted to each other, but is there a deeper connection? They take a trip on a sailboat and make out and talk about baseball and shit.

Back at the Bro-tel, the group date card arrives and its blank (much like its reader, the yawn-inducing Dylan), except for a heart doodle and ‘Andi.’ Andrew is super keen to NOT be on the next group date card, but he’s in stiff competition with Brian and Patrick. The group date dudes are revealed to be Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick and…Andrew.

Back on their romantic date, Josh and Andi are talking travel and his baseball “career”. Josh claims he wasn’t as “mentally strong” back in the day as he is now. Okayyyyyyy. In her private interview, Andi comments that she’s worried her connection with Josh is similar to her connection with the horrible Juan Pablo, whom she emphasizes she could never, never have been with long term. But damn that is a pretty face on Josh, isn’t it?

While Andi is torn between lust and love, pantsapreneur JJ is chatting with Brian and Marquel and the gist is that Andrew – in addition to being kind of an ass clown who apparently got a waitresses phone number on a break from filming – is also perhaps a bit of a racist. My future husband Marquel is incensed. JJ spills that during the first rose ceremony when Andi presented both Ron and Marquel with roses, Andrew commented that she gave roses to “the two blackies”. Or maybe it was “the two black guys.” JJ can’t remember for sure, but swears he wasn’t loaded when he heard it.

Marquel is pondering the possibility of confronting Andrew about his alleged comments, and gets emotional talking about it. OH MARQUEL YOU’RE SO HANDSOME. YOU LOOK SO STRESSED. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT???

Andi and Josh find themselves at Longchamp Palace, and she’s really hoping to find a deeper mental connection. Early in the conversation, Andi admits to being cheated on by her “type” – the athlete type. Josh is hoping to change Andi’s impression of super handsome sportos. Josh’s confession: he hasn’t dated in five years. So where he lives, all the women are in comas, I presume. Josh too has been cheated on (his ex-girlfriend kissed another dude). “The next person I say ‘I love you’ too…I wanna marry,” he tells Andi. “This is the first time I’ve felt this way in forever.” Aww. Andi is smitten! “Everything that I thought is kind of working and happening,” Andi sighs. Josh sails his way into Andi’s heart and is rewarded with the date rose. Later, the duo slow dance while serenaded by Ben Fields in a picturesque courtyard. “I cannot wait to see what happens next!” Josh enthuses.

Group date day is next. Andi has a “really fun date planned.” But clearly she’s a HUGE FUCKING LIAR because a terrifying mime pops out from behind a curtain and I literally jerked back in my chair. There’s nothing I hate more than a mime. Except for maybe a clown. Terrifying mime (TM, for short) takes the men through their paces, teaching them all the classics: trapped in a box, trapped in a smaller box, walk like a penguin. The men and TM take their talents to the streets, performing for the people of Marseille. It’s ridiculous and I wish I could un-see like 97% of it. The locals look unimpressed, though that may be a default facial expression for the French. Marquel stands out with his many facial expressions while JJ mimes their first date (clever!). Nick is the sour puss of the bunch. He’s all frowns and crossed arms. Andi mimes “let’s start drinking” and blessedly this whole creepy silent charade has come to an end.

Brian receives his solo date card at the hotel, and it’s food-themed (“I’ve got the recipe for love”). Oh god I want to watch them eat everything. Side note: I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.

Later that evening, Andi and her man harem gather and she’s quickly pulled aside by JJ who takes her for a ride on a ferris wheel. Nice job, JJ!

The other men are sitting around drinking and waiting for Andi to return and things start to get a little tense. Cody comments that Nick seems a bit over-confident and mostly invisible Patrick echoes the sentiment. When Cody asks Nick if he thinks he’s the frontrunner, he says yes. Andi arrives and immediately senses the tension, so she whisks Chris away and he spills the beans on the situation back inside.

Cody is getting heated and ‘all up in Nick’s face’, and when he sits down with Andi he tells her how “thankful” is to be around. He tells Andi that Nick had been giving him a hard time for referring to himself as “thankful” and Andi decides it’s time to go to the source of the drama.

“I had fun today,” Nick starts. “You seem salty on group dates,” Andi laments. “Those are the only few minutes I get to spend with you during the day.” She adds that it’s hard to watch Nick on group dates. Time to buck up, bro. “I think Cody was mad at me,” Nick admits. “I think he thought I was disrespecting him.” He’s apologized, but Andi feels like he’s downplaying it. “Am I being fooled by Nick?” her voiceover comments. Nick turns things around though with a poem. Vomit. Her face is all “this is great” but she comments that “things got complicated with Nick tonight.” Hmm. Marcus does better, and they make out forever

Back inside, Marquel confronts Andrew about his comments. Andrew swears he never made a comment of that nature. “Whatever you’ve been told is complete bullshit!” Andrew says/lies(?). Whether or not Marquel believes him, he remains composed and classy and walks away after. If I wasn’t already in love with Marquel, I would be now.

My jaw hits the floor when Andrew tells Andi he’s “been attacked” today. He doesn’t get into details but it all leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. Luckily, he doesn’t receive the date rose, which ultimately goes to JJ.

The next day Brian gets his first solo date with Andi. Cody is bummed that he’s not on the date because he’s a “total foodie.” Are we calling steroids food now? The cute couple stroll hand-in-hand through the streets of Marseille. They wind up at a private movie theatre and curl up to watch The Hundred-Foot Journey. Afterwards it’s time to hit the market and pick up some ingredients to make dinner with. It’s all cute when it’s time to shop (except when they eat sea urchin which is literally a recurring nightmare of mine), but once things move to the kitchen Brian fails to heat things up. Conversation is lacking, to say the least. Andi feels like she’s on a date with a completely different guy than she spent the day watching a movie with. “The movie made cooking look so romantic,” moans Andi. “This is not romantic.” Where’s the “aggressive, macho” Brian who pulled her onto a basketball court a few weeks ago to steal a kiss on a group date?

The food turns out to be as disappointing as the chemistry, but after they head out to grab a better dinner nearby things start to warm up a bit between Andi and Brian. He keeps starting his sentences with “man,” but Brian charms Andi nonetheless. He’s kind of shy and not great at making the first move. “I’m a coach..I strategize,” he sputters. He goes in for a kiss and Andi is impressed enough to give him the date rose, despite the earlier awkwardness of their date. Later they make out some more in the restaurant’s kitchen, which I’m pretty sure is against some health code but who cares they’re cute and this is France.

Andi opts to forgo the traditional pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party, as she is 100% confident in the three (!) men she is sending home tonight on the sad sack flight back to the US. Those men turn out to be Marquel (bummed – and how cute is his comment that meeting Andi made him “believe in love again”), Andrew (finally – and I want to punch a million faces when he claims he’s been “bullied”) and Patrick (not at all surprised – I would’ve liked to see him go on at least one real date with Andi). I’m shocked Andi would send home a personality like Marquel but keep total yawn faces Dylan, Chris and Cody around (ok so Cody isn’t boring, but still). Though all three are sweet, they appear to have zero chemistry with our Bachelorette.

Marquel, I’m here. Just sayin.’

Until next week!

*I titled the double episodes from two weeks back Week Three parts 1 and 2, and I’m calling this Week 5, but rest assured you didn’t miss a recap.





Summer Reading

9 06 2014

You guys, I have a confession: I’m obsessed with books. I can’t stop buying them. And since a lot of my friends like the same books as I do we’re constantly sharing books and even held a very successful book swap last summer. I’d been complaining for weeks that I don’t have time to read(total first world problems, I know). Between long hours at work and getting to the gym and dinner plans and planning for upcoming trips and meeting friends for drinks and just generally being a person who likes to keep very very busy I found myself reading the same book for 4 months. 4 MONTHS! It was Jonathan Franzen’s ‘Freedom’, in case you wanted to know. It wasn’t an easy read, but it was one that should’ve taken me two, maybe three, weeks tops. Also, I can’t read on the subway because it’s way too crowded (a pitfall of working ‘normal’ office hours), and I try to read before bed but by the time I actually get home and into bed it’s usually pretty late and I pretty much fall asleep immediately, dead to the world.

Finally I decided if I was ever going to get some reading done something had to change, so I forced myself to get up an hour early on weekends and go grab a coffee at one of the many fantastic coffee shops in my west end neighbourhood and just read before heading to yoga/the gym/the grocery store/brunch.  Then I started forcing myself to go to bed a bit earlier each night and read then too. In the span of two weeks I plowed through The Fault in Our Stars (loved loved loved) by John Green and Me Before You by Jo Jo Moyes (just liked it, but I wasn’t blown away by the writing). I was starting to feel like I had a handle on things and would actually start to make a dent on the books jostling for space on my already-at-capacity bookshelf(ves).

And then I found out that the soon-to-be-closed Chapters at John and Richmond was selling everything at 50% off.

Well, shit.

I took an early (and rare) lunch break and got myself over there the very next day and stocked up.

Oh and in case you’re asking, yes I do also peruse my local library but I find that I like the option of keeping books I love after reading them, or lending them out to friends, you know? I view books on my shelves as art, in a way. I like to surround myself with my favourite books, including Oryx and Crake, A Home at the End of the World, Special Topics in Calamity Physics, Hey Nostradamus!, The Time Traveler’s Wife and Less Than Zero, to name a few.

So now with summer finally here, I’m planning on spending some weekend mornings in the park with a coffee and a book, soaking in the sun and reading these books on my shelf (to start):

 

Here I go!

Here I go!

  • Rebel Heart (book 2 in the Dust Lands series) by Moira Young
  • Room by Emma Donoghue (started on this last week)

 

Happy reading!

 

 








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