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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 8, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Source: abc.com

Howdy rose lovers. We pick up right where last week’s cliffhanger left us – Ben pulling Olivia away to chat while the other women speculate that maybe Olivia will have her rose revoked.

Olivia spins the whole tension with the other women thing to Ben as having a target on her back since receiving the first impression rose. “I’m just…different. I‎ like reading books in my room.” hahaha. “I sometimes come off as intimidating,” Olivia adds. She responds super calmly  to all of Ben’s questions (I almost threw my phone at the TV when she said “I like to talk smart things”) and they return to the group. “You are all different and every week this gets tougher and more confusing,” Ben announces, before heading into the rose ceremony. Emily can barely contain her rage at Olivia not being sent home. I wish I was half as confident about anything as Olivia is about her connection with Ben. Olivia is still teary but doesn’t want to talk about it with the other women, who feign concern over her emotional state. Where Olivia does want to talk about it is in her private on camera interview where she’s all ‘ha ha you all thought I was going home but nope’ and adds a “come at me, bro” for good measure. Oh man, I kind of like it. What if Olivia is the normal one and everyone else is crazy? No? No. Oh god, forget I said that. But I have trouble hating on anyone within an hour of a yoga class. Don’t worry, it should wear off in about 20 minutes.

After the rose ceremony, Emily gets the last rose and Jennifer is sent home. God I wish Chris Harrison came out right now and was all “Jennifer, I’m sorry…we all…sorta…forgot you were here. We also forgot about Leah but she blends in with the blondes so…bye? Thanks for quitting your job and coming out here.” Somehow Leah is still around and will hopefully get some screen time this week.‎ I predict that time will involve crying.

Ben and his harem raise their glasses of champagne‎ in a toast to the news that they are off to the Bahamas.

“The water is sooo blue and the sand is soooo white” mumbles Becca. At this point when all the women gather in a small space it’s mostly a sea of indistinguishable blonde hair. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces that one of the dates this week will be the dreaded two-on-one. The solo date is a repeat for Caila (who was the first to go on a one-on-one date with our Bachelor) and we finally hear from Leah who is right pissed about not having any time with Ben and throws in a “why am I heeeeeeere?” moan. Leah can barely look at Ben when he comes to pick Caila up, and casts some hard side-eye his way.

They head out to do some deep sea fishing (not a euphemism). Ben says that he needs alone time with Caila since their first date also included Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (the best!), but he realizes that there are others who haven’t had a one-on-one (so Leah and Olivia).

Back at the hotel, Leah is crying and terrified that she will end up on the two-on-one. ‎”We could have met at a bar but the universe brought us together in this process,” says Leah, who lives in the same town as Ben I think? Also, it wasn’t the universe. It was a casting agent.

“Caila is funny and beautiful and sexy and smart,” Ben gushes, but he wants to dig a little deeper. Caila and her amazing hair want to “be more vulnerable” with Ben and then she tells Ben that she loves him (what?) but then it gets confusing.  And all the oxygen seems to leave his body. “I think my greatest fear is that I can’t totally, completely love somebody…it feels like I’m going to hurt you,” she says. Huh?

The group date card arrives and by process of elimination (and because, duh) Olivia and Emily will be on the two-on-one date but Leah gets to go on the group date. Olivia calls Emily a bird and also says something about her being young which is ridic because their age difference is 1 year except no it’s not because Olivia is obviously lying about her age by like 8 years. Oh, good. The yoga niceness just wore off. I’m back!

Back on their date, Ben is trying to decipher Caila’s confusing bombshell of I love you, maybe? “I know that I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood,” Caila explains. This and some other crap about feeling happy (and the fact that Ben finds confusion attractive) are enough to secure her the date rose.

It’s group date day and the women arrive in jean shorts and bikini tops. Ben is hoping for a light, fun day. A ginormous handsome pig who I have named Humphrey is swimming nearby and is soon joined by more pigs. Ben announces they are going to feed the pigs hot dogs and someone is all “we’re going to feed the pig PIG” and Ben laughs and announces that the hot dogs are chicken. Well, ok then? “This is like a bar in Dallas, there are pigs everywhere,” deadpans JoJo (love!). If this whole show was watching people swim with wild pigs and maybe sometimes things go bad, I would watch and recap that show forever.

Some of the women love the pig play. Most of them, however….

Source: Michael Empric on Vine

Meanwhile, Olivia is strolling the beach in a pretty awesome bathing suit while Emily calls her twin sister to whine about having to be on a date with Olivia.

After the pig action calms down, the awkwardness of the group date setting starts to set‎ in. Hard. The vibe totally shifts and basically the women kind of start ignoring Ben. He questions JoJo a bit about the weirdo vibes because he thinks she is one who “gets it,” and he confesses that he feels super self conscious. “How do you date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everyone happy?” Ben asks, lamely. Some creepy dude hiding in a bunker in Nevada with 18 wives‎ is like “I hear you, bro!”

Leah finally breaks down after some inane chit chat with Ben about liking pigs and Ben tells her that she hasn’t really made an effort to get him alone on group dates and begs her to “make the most of today.” They hug it out‎ but Leah still doesn’t get why he is keeping her around. You and the rest of Twitter, honey.

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Dream date

On the p.m portion of their group date, Leah is trying to figure out how to “save herself.” Ben acknowledges that the date was uncomfortable and wants to talk through a lot of things with a lot of blondes (and JoJo).

First up is Becca who admits she was “standoffish” and says that some of it was due to Ben’s obvious connection w‎ith Lauren B. But there’s good news! Becca is still, like, a total smitten kitten and they kiss.

The “morbid” date card for Olivia and Emily arrives and Olivia lies that they are the same age but she will feel like Emily’s mom. “Tomorrow will be just fine…at least on my end,” Olivia predicts.

Leah is finally getting some screen time and Ben encourages her to be open and honest.‎ Stupidly, she uses this time to crap on Lauren B. instead of working on their connection. Insert screeching tire sound here. Lauren B.? Lauren B. is a concern? This comes off as pure jealousy. Leah infers that Lauren B. may be a bit two-faced and I can almost hear Twitter explode because she’s a fan favourite! “I’ve been pretty genuine with who I am,” Lauren emphasizes while Ben massages her neck. “I care about you…this gets in my head,” Ben admits. “I feel like I would never use my time with Ben to talk about anyone else,” Lauren B. says in her private interview. EXACTLY! Weak move, Leah. Weak. Clearly all the other women like Lauren B. and when Lauren mildly inquires out loud about who would say such a thing to Ben Leah flat out lies and is all “it wasn’t me.” Sabotage! Oh, so this is why Leah has been invisible up until now. She’s terrible. Ugh. Less of this, more pigs please.

Lauren is still red-faced from crying when Ben rejoins the group and gives the date rose to Amanda.

Later, Lauren B. and Amanda are playing a little game of whodunnit ‎and they immediately land on Leah as the culprit of the Lauren B. lie. Leah has curled her eyelashes so clearly she means business. She sneaks out to go see Ben and hopes that she can make him believe her about Lauren. She’s all about the numbers game. With Lauren gone, her chances just get better. Wow, someone overdid it on the Carnation Instant Bitch this morning! Stop making Olivia seem normal!

Ben welcomes Leah into his suite and pours some wine and she is here to make sure he “doesn’t end up with Lauren B.” “I don’t want to sit here and talk bad about Lauren,” she claims…and adds that there are situations where Lauren comes off as not caring. Basically the worst thing Leah can come up with is that Lauren is “catty.” “I think you’ll be able to figure it out,” she says, playing to Ben perfectly in her mind.

Doesn’t work.

“I don’t know what’s missing, but it is,” he tells Leah, adding that he felt something on night one but after that the spark died and he adds that he ept her around because of that initial connection. “I think it’s best for us to say goodbye,” he drops. ‎While he knows he made the right choice sending Leah away in the Sad Gal Limo™, Ben can’t shake some of the things she said about Lauren B.

The next day…

A storm is a brewin’ and this one involves Olivia and Emily. This is as close to a one-on-one as Olivia has gotten and she’s hard smiling about how amazing it’s all going to be and the “quality time” she’ll have with Ben and how they will get to continue “writing their love story.” Emily is just worried that Olivia will continue to effectively “manipulate‎” Ben.

The sea is angry and Ben is hoping to figure out stuff about this “new Emily” sans her twin Haley and explore his recent “reconnecting” with Olivia while some negative comments from the other women about her continue to roll around in his brain. “Ben and I’s‎ love is all consuming,” says a delusional (and grammatically incorrect) Olivia, and they head off alone to chat. She spends a lot of time telling Ben she is “confident” and “in tune with her body” (why?) and that “deep intellectual things are just my jam.” This nonsense transitions into her telling Ben she’s in love with him and it’s a lot of crazy eyes and Ben thanks her for her time and now it’s Emily’s turn.

“I want this to be the turning point on our journey,” Emily tells him, adding that she basically wants to be around Ben all the time. It’s a cute speech and Ben tells her he’s seen another side of her and that it’s been exciting and he plays with her hair and that’s pretty sweet but that kinda trails off abruptly. Claps to her for not spending this time crap talking Olivia to him. There are two women and only one rose and it’s about to get super awk. Ben picks up the rose and asks to speak to Olivia privately. So Emily is thinking ‘nooooooooooooooo’ but I’m thinking ‘don’t give up yet!’

“So today you were able to speak from your heart…” Ben starts with Olivia. And ends with “I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings.”

BOOM.

Olivia is stunned. Emily is shocked/ecstatic.

Time to take those cankles home and, in the spirit of Lace, go work on yourself. What a spectacular fall from grace Olivia has had.

Back at the hotel, a producer arrives to grab her suitcase and‎ of course everyone sees it’s Olivia’s.

“He let go of a really good person today,” cries Olivia. Nope, he didn’t. But the night is young. She is left alone crying on some island.

The next day, Ben is all contemplate-y and confused so he sends Chris Harrison to tell the women that there will be no pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and instead they will head straight into a rose ceremony. JoJo is particularly effected which is odd since she’s obviously a frontrunner. The first rose goes to Becca. Next is JoJo (finally figured it out – she looks like Isla Fisher!)‎ and the last rose goes, predictably, to Lauren B.

Teacher Lauren H. is left rose-less and Ben walks her out with a simple “sorry.” And then there were six!

A quick note about next week – I’m off to Central America so my recap will be a few days late but I’m hoping to have it up by Thursday night. Thanks for reading!

 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 1, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo Source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, which ended in a cliffhanger!

Ben and his harem are in beautiful Mexico City, all butchering Spanish. Ben strolls through the city in a blue polo and gazes at a fountain. Cue the Latin music. Emily is down a twin but excited to explore her relationship with Ben. Olivia is comforted by the presence of a bidet in their suite (she has one at home) and oh yeah she loves Ben and their “love language” and is pretty sure she’s getting the one-on-one date this week. But it’s cute mom Amanda who is on “cloud nine” as the recipient of the date card. “I just need that time with him to see if it’s worth it for me to be here,” says the adorable Amanda. Olivia is all “Her? But she has kids.” Ick.

It’s 4:20 am and Ben ‎sneaks into Amanda’s room to “see these girls in their element.” Element meaning no makeup and morning breath and retainers. I can’t decide if I love or hate that the women have to share beds. Who gets stuck sleeping with Olivia and her alleged dragon breath? “Whose weave is this?” Ben laughs pointing to someone’s fake hair on the bedside table. Amanda looks perfect (she’s probs used to no sleep given being a single mom to two small kids) and is ready to head out on their date in like 15 minutes.

They hop in a limo and make their way to a hot air balloon. Ben and Amanda float over ancient cities and say things like “this is so crazy/amazing” a lot and make out attractively. They cuddle up on a blanket in a field and Ben says he just likes being around her. “I still get nervous to really open up,” Amanda says and they toast with champagne to talking more about their lives. “I don’t want to scare him away,” Amanda worries.

Back at the hotel suite of nerves and jealousy, the women are moaning about how Amanda is on the longest date so far when a group date card arrives. It’s revealed that Lauren H. will be on the next solo date with the Bachelor.

Back on their date, Ben likes that Amanda always has a smile on her face. She’s all lip bitey and confessional and opens up about her first marriage which was full of “red flags.. After her second daughter was born she discovered texts on her husband’s phone and he was texting exes and meeting girls online and despite not wanting to break up her family she knew it was time to end things. “I never wanted to be a single mom,” Amanda admits and adds that she sometimes felt embarrassed that her marriage failed. She speaks extremely thoughtfully and eloquently. Ben is adamant that he doesn’t feel weird that she was married before. “I admire you,” he tells Amanda. “You’re incredible.” These two really bonded and she accepts his date rose. Ben’s voice-over says he can totally see a future with Amanda. I see a hometown date but not necessarily a forever with these two, as his connections with Lauren B. and JoJo (and, to a lesser degree, Caila) seem so much stronger after their one-on-one dates.

It’s group date day and Ben waves hard at his incoming harem. “I hate group dates!” Jubilee declares. Olivia can’t shut her mouth as usual and is “going to do anything” to get the date rose. The women and Ben enter a classroom and it’s time for a Spanish class. What’s Spanish for “what is that hair Becca?” She’s doing a weird mini bun thing. I’ll try and get a screengrab of it. Emily may no longer be “in it to twin it” since her sister was cut last week, but she shines sans Haley and is adorable with Ben.

Next they head to a restaurant for a cooking lesson. I love Mexican food so much that if I were on this date I would probably have forgotten Ben existed for like 18 minutes. Just long enough to eat like 47 tostadas. There’s an awkward moment when they have to pair off for a cooking challenge and Jubilee and Olivia are in a showdown for who gets to partner with Ben. Neither one is budging (Olivia does have those sturdy cankles on her side) and Olivia is all “I claimed you!” and since Olivia gets what Olivia wants that’s how that shakes out.

First the women must grocery shop in Spanish. I would mostly wander around murmuring “cervezas?” because I’m an asshole. “Ben and I are on a high right now!” gushes the delusional Olivia while she shops with Ben. “She literally makes me want to throw up and her breath is horrible” moans Emily while Ben suggests to Olivia that they find some mint (ha).

The date card arrives back at the hotel for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together” it reads. Already bored.

Back on the group date everyone is chopping and mincing and other cooking words. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatular,” Ben deadpans, handsomely. “I want to be his partner in life and his partner in cooking,” Olivia‎ states. Ben observes that Lauren B. and Jubilee are a little quiet and less enthusiastic than the other women, particularly Jubilee. Apparently a woman knows she’s ready to get married when her cooking game is up to par. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco, etc. She goes on about that for too long. The chefs comment that Olivia and Ben’s dish looks like dog food while Jubilee and Lauren’s dish gets top marks for being restaurant quality.

On the evening portion of their date, Olivia is once again the first to grab Ben for alone time and she is excited to “reconnect.” ‎Jubilee starts to unravel watching him walk away to spend time with the other women. Jennifer emphasizes she’s a commitment girl and Lauren B. gushes that their date from two weeks ago was beyond great and Ben says he never wanted it to end. These two!

Jubilee is in the crossed arms/angry eyebrows ‎phase of jealousy at this point in the evening and while Ben and Lauren B. make out on the street she tries to send someone named Leah who I keep forgetting exists out to interrupt them. When Jubilee finally gets her time she refuses to hold Ben’s hand and then complains about being on group dates and is worried he doesn’t remember her because he has been on “like 1000 dates” since theirs. Ben tells Jubilee he has felt her pulling away from him and that he’s not as confident in their connection anymore. He confronts her about the not hand holding thing and she says a part of that is having the other women around. “I just want it to be me and you…I don’t want you to give up on me.”

It has not gone unnoticed by the other women that Jubilee wouldn’t take Ben’s hand and Jubilee, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t mean to pull back. “Do you still feel at this point in time that there could be something between us?” Ben asks. Jubilee counters that she needs him to tell her‎ the same and Ben tells her he doesn’t feel a strong enough connection. “I think it’s best that tonight we say goodbye,” Ben says. He walks Jubilee out, and they hug goodbye. “I would have loved him unconditionally” she cries in her private interview. Ben takes a moment to gather himself while invisible Leah worries about heading into a rose ceremony without having had time to chat with him and everyone is probably thinking ‘who are you again?’. Ben struggles to explain sending Jubilee home and JoJo is the one to comfort him after and tell him how he handles himself with “class and grace.” “I’m done with breaking up with people after this,” Ben jokes and then because it’s the Bachelor they make out. “It’s all worth it!” he claims.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose, saying they “reconnected” after she had “struggled” a little‎ and for once everyone’s mouth but Olivia’s is wiiiiiide open.

The next day Ben and Lauren H. head out on their “game changer” (as per Lauren) date. The theme is fashion‎ and the two try on an array of outfits and Ben likes the kindergarten teacher’s “goofiness.” They learn they will be attending a show at Mexico City Fashion Week.

Meanwhile, in Olivia Land: “I’m not threatened by anyone who goes on a date with Ben…I’m back!” she declares, causing a flurry of hate tweets. Emily is sick of Olivia’s negative energy and is gearing up for a throwdown.

Lauren H. and Ben learn they will be walking the runway, and are given some catwalk training. Lauren bonds with the real models pre-show and Ben calms her nerves. She kills it on the runway, and Ben looks crazy handsome. They embrace backstage and Lauren insists this is the best day of her entire life. Clearly she’s never eaten two funnel cakes in one day.

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Lauren H. and Ben walk the runway at Mexico City Fashion Week. Photo source: nypost.com

“It’s been a slow burn with Lauren H.,” Ben says, heading into dinner. He wants to see if their connection can be more than just friends, and Lauren H. is worried about being put in the “friend zone.” She opens up to Ben about her last relationship which ended suddenly after four years and she learned later that he had been cheating on her. She has bounced back and is ready to “open up and let someone in” (way to insinuate “bone zone” over “friend zone” girl) and Ben is all over her speech. He calls her confident and cute and says “today was a really exciting day for me.” Meh, watching it was kind of boring for me but hey she’s sweet and nice and very well-spoken and for that, “slow burn” Lauren H. gets the date rose. Also, her go-to swear is “holy shoot” so she’ll be a fan fav soon enough.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben promises JoJo he will never blindside her and they do a dorky high five and I can see her and Lauren B. as final two for sure. Speaking of Lauren B., she tells Ben she can see a life with him. “Like, a life life,” she insists.

Nearby, Amanda is talking about custody arrangements with her ex and how he apparently picks up their daughters on Friday and ships them back on Saturday, prompting Olivia to comment that the conversation reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Everyone is offended, especially Emily for some reason.‎ Olivia, sensing the onslaught of shit about to come her way, gets emotional and claims she is going to “try harder” with the women. Emily goes to Ben and cries and tells him Olivia is fake and disrespectful and Ben is really starting to think he’s not seeing the real Olivia. Well, I’m sure given her cavernous mouth you could easily see inside the real Olivia. Close enough?

While Olivia works on buttering Ben up, Emily calls Haley and cries about mean bad Olivia. Ben tries to suss things out from Olivia who claims that everything is good in the house. “I’m just going to have to go with my gut,” he says, which apparently means pumping Amanda for more dirt on Olivia. He’s on the hunt for “red flags.” Both Amanda and Jennifer confirm the Olivia issues and there’s still no screen time for Leah. Before jumping into the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia‎ and people are hoping Olivia will be the first woman to have her rose taken away.  Which probs means that won’t happen. But we won’t find out tonight because this episode is — cue dramatic music — to be continued!

It looks like next week everyone cries and Ben stands on the edge of a cliff in a suit, maybe after sending Olivia and her cankles home and maybe not. In the outtakes from the episode, Lauren B. teaches Emily how to do a tequila shot. ‎I notice that Emily and I own the same t-shirt. Twinning!

I’ll be back next week. Thanks for reading!

 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 25, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode. There was a super awkward dance, a panic attack, and three women left in tears. So, pretty typical stuff.

Ben’s harem is dwindling and the vibe around the house is a little off. Olivia is all “Ben is my man,” and Chris Harrison arrives to cut the tension and announce that they are off to meet Ben in Las Vegas. The twins are super amped because they are from Vegas (of course) and Olivia wants to see Celine Dion. Her mood is hugely improved and her mouth is bigger than ever. Cut to Ben saying people can totes find love in Vegas (and STDs and a gambling addiction, but those go unmentioned). Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the women scream and lose their shit on the strip over a sign welcoming them to sin city. “I feel like a baller” says Leah (who?). The date card arrives at their fancy suite and it’s for a trembling-with-anticipation JoJo‎. Olivia is “not threatened” by her “piece” going on dates with other women. Oh good.

The twins – Emily and Haley – occupy themselves by twinning while Olivia continues to be not bothered by Ben’s “journey with other women.” Speaking of Ben, he picks JoJo up and they kick off their date with a glass of champagne on a rooftop where a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Their  glasses go flying everywhere while the other women watch from their suite and laugh…until they spot the cute duo kissing. And with that, Olivia’s confident demeanor shatters because JoJo is pretty and smart and awesome sauce.

JoJo and Ben’s chemistry takes them to new heights (see what I did there) while Olivia declares she “loves this man.” A group date card arrives and Olivia is on it, meaning by process of elimination that Becca‎ will have the next one-on-one in Vegas.

Back on their date, Ben and JoJo are back on solid ground and Ben tells her there are so many things about her that he’s attracted to. Promising! “I came into this whole thing telling myself I was going to be openhearted,” JoJo confesses. She tells Ben she ended her last relationship five months ago and that there were trust issues. As Ben adorably fiddles with her bracelet, she states that she is 100% open to their connection. She easily lands the date rose. “Jojo is somebody I am falling for,” Ben says. He leads her to the roof where they cuddle and stare at the Vegas lights and watch fireworks and make out a bunch. “I feel like I was being cheated on,” a peeping Olivia says, idiotically.

The next day Ben meets his group daters. Twins Emily and Haley love his cute nose and Lauren H. is worried about nipple tassels. ‎Olivia is now calling herself the front-runner (in her private interviews) and the women learn they will be presenting at a talent show. The twins are grateful that their mom put them in Irish dancing and are “in it to twin it!” Aren’t we all. Jubilee plays cello. Lauren H. rocks a chicken suit and the women suspect Olivia has a talent other than “being the center of attention.” I’m guessing it has something to do with her mouth. Some guy named Terry Fator who I’ve never heard of but who is probably the world’s most famous ventriloquist announces they will be opening for him that night and then does some mildly creepy ventriloquism. Is there any other kind?  Cue the ticket refunds from some pissed off day drunks.

Olivia gets decked out a-la-showgirl – cankles on full display – practicing her shimmy and praising her decision to shave that morning. The women are just hoping her talent is disappearing. I would do horribly in this challenge unless sarcasm and guacamole eating are considered stage talents.

Cutie Caila is “internally combusting” with nerves while Olivia can’t wait to get out on stage and grab our Bachelor’s attention. She states that when her and Ben are alone it’s “bam shabam.” I do not make this stuff up.

Haley and Emily rock their Riverdance while the crowd enthusiastically claps along. Lauren B. (who earlier claimed herself to have no talent) juggles, talentless-ly (probably not a real word). ‎Olivia jumps out of a cake (doesn’t seem like it’s her first time) and sort of jerks around on the stage and it’s awkward but funny and hey at least this pretty much confirms she’s not a stripper. For her efforts, Olivia gets a hug from Ben and some sass from one of Terry’s less polite puppets.

Backstage, Olivia wanders off to cry real hard (accompanied by Rachel) while the other ladies toast to their stage show. ‎If you’re wondering, I took this commercial break to find something to put guacamole on while I tried to recover from my second-hand embarrassment for Olivia. I landed on ‘spoon.’

Still backstage, an over-sized cardboard cake is like “Gurllll that was rough. Also, whose huge mouth took this bite out of me?” Rachel is being too nice while Olivia continues to cry off her embarrassment. ‎”I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.” She is bummed about her ‘pity hug’ from Ben and is still reeling. “I’m here to be marriage material and I don’t think that (performance) was marriage material.”

Later that evening Ben thanks the women for being silly that day and Caila has her eye on the group date rose. It is her first group date, so she is thrilled when Ben pulls her away for some solo time. Caila immediately throws her arms around him and goes in for the makeout. Ben is amped to see her sexier side and legit refers to her as a “sex panther.” Hahahahahaha. ‎He’s super into Caila’s “quiet confidence”, and her body sitting on his body.

Lauren H. is out of the chicken suit and hot to trot. Her and Ben play with puppets in an empty theater and he says he wants to know the “cute, fun” Lauren so she kisses the puppet Ben and then the real Ben. I didn’t love her “soccer mom” comment last week but she’s growing on me.

The group date rose is on the table and Olivia pulls him away and opens with a joke about needing to get loaded to forget about her performance. She tells Ben she had “a complete breakdown” afterwards and lies that she’s not good at being “show-y.” Um, you should tell your mouth that. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed” he says, before Emily interrupts. How do you like that taste of your own medicine, Olivia? She shoves A LOT of her fingers into her mouth and says she’s scared that her brief time with Ben wasn’t enough to re-solidify their connection. Olivia returns to the group and finds some food to shove into her mouth instead of her own fingers.

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Olivia. Starved for fingers…and attention.

Ben and actual front runner Lauren B. are super into eachother. “I missed you soooo much” she tells our Bachelor and he assures her not to question his feelings. Lauren B. says she’s living with “all these amazing women” (nice!) and she realizes that Ben could so easily be falling for any of them. There’s a cute moment where she says she may have gone on her “last first date ever” with him and he seems super into it.

Caila uses a puppet to alert Jennifer that Olivia is en route to interrupt Ben and twin Emily despite Jennifer having not had time to chat with him. The ladies are so over Olivia tonight. “Can we start over?” Olivia half-pleads to the very confused Ben. “You don’t have to apologize,” Ben says and continues to be nice to her long enough for them to kiss and hopefully that will calm down some of her crazy. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B. and hugs her on top of Amanda‎ while Olivia is all maniac blinks.

The next day a box arrives for Becca and it’s a wedding dress in (appropriately) virgin white. She looks stunning in it of course but Jubilee ain’t worried. “She’s a virgin. If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, it isn’t going to happen in six hours.”

Becca says she feels totally different this time around. So basically that’s her finally  admitting that despite making it to the final two on Chris Soules’ season, she just wasn’t that into him. Their date starts at a chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…they they officiate weddings for some ‎randoms. Ben is ordained and Becca will be his assistant I presume. The first groom arrives and, yeah, Ben marries them. He’s so excited he forgets to tuck in his shirt. “We’ll cherish ‎that forever,” the groom says. The parade of couples continue and by the end, Ben and Becca have married a bunch of randoms including a dude in a tuxedo t-shirt.

JESUS CHRIST DID SOMEONE LET ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK BE MADE INTO A MOVIE?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT CALLED ‘THE CHOICE’?! I CHOOSE NO. Who is the monster that keeps green lighting these?  Sorry. Commercials.

Later that evening Ben takes Becca to the famed Vegas neon sign museum (I can’t believe I’ve not been yet – I’m due for a 3rd trip to Vegas) where they stroll hand-in-hand. “Can she love, can she feel, can she commit?” Ben wonders. “I care so much more at this point than I did last season” Becca tells Ben. “I think the outcome could be really great.” Ben is all ‘feel your feelings’ and he says he had some concerns about her going to the final two with Chris and seemingly not having strong feelings but apparently they have talked through that and he’s not worried anymore. Becca isn’t bothered by Ben not being a virgin (she’s probably a phenomenal kisser at this point), and he admires her commitment or whatever. “I really like you,” she gushes‎. They exchange adorable ‘vows’ and kiss a bunch and, to Ben, she is “perfect in every way.” Becca secures the date rose and could see herself saying yes to a proposal.

Host Chris Harrison drops by the next day to announce that Ben has asked to spend the day with the twins. Ooh a dreaded two-on-one! These typically end in an elimination. This should be…interesting. Or maybe he’ll keep them both and they can move in with those sister wives people who live nearby. Curious to know if Ben can even tell them apart. Also, did they do this date in Vegas to save on airfare sending one of the twins home since they are locals? Olivia’s mouth is on full alert and the women are wondering if maybe he will send them both home. “Dating twins has been difficult,” says Captain Obvious. He doesn’t think he can keep dating sisters. So, to help make his decision he brings them to their house where they live with their mom.

Haley’s (?) room contains stuffed animals‎ and not one but two photos of her ex-boyfriend. “I thought they would put these away,” she half moans. Then Ben and Emily (?) lay down on her bed and hold hands and it’s like watching two tweens on a first date.

Ben sits down with their gorgeous mom for some insight on the Doublemint blonde beauties and ultimately he says goodbye to Haley. I think Haley was my favourite. Maybe. I have no idea. Haley is “grateful that Emily gets to continue on this journey with Ben.” These are genuinely sweet girls and to her credit Emily is sad to see her sister go too. At least Haley has adorable dogs and her mom for comfort tonight. I’ve lost count of how many dachshunds they have but it’s enough to dive into an adorable puppy pile. Also, I believe this is the first time on this show that someone has been dumped in front of their mom. At least I hope so. Hey maybe now we’ll get to see Emily’s real occupation instead of her being referred to as “twin”. Or is she funemployed too?‎ Also, if he ends up with Emily (he won’t) I would pay to see footage of that first family Thanksgiving.Moving on.

“There’s our boyfriend” someone announces hilariously as Ben approaches to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Olivia’s plans to (as per usual) pull Ben away first are foiled by Jennifer (go girl!) who confesses that she had planned to be the first to get some time with Ben. Unfortunately, Olivia just doesn’t give a shit and after what seems like seconds makes her way over and shoos away Jennifer so that her and Ben can eat cake and she can tell him three times that she is falling for him. Olivia, everyone knows that no one claims to be in love week four. That’s really more of a week five kind of crazy. Olivia tells JoJo that she’s falling in love with Ben and claims it was “reciprocated.” Um, no.

Jubilee and Ben share their first screen time tonight and he reiterates that he finds her sweet, beautiful and funny‎. She’s worried that being complicated is working against her. “I’m intrigued by you,” he reassures Jubilee.

They are setting this up for either Olivia or Jennifer (and probs Amber or Rachel) to be sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. I know Olivia is great TV‎ and all y’all but it’s time right? Jennifer gets a rose and Olivia is getting visibly nervous. The last rose of the evening goes to self-appointed “best for last” Olivia, meaning Amber and Rachel are dunzo. I will forget Amber was even there by the credits but I would have liked to see more of ‘unemployed’ Rachel. I thought she may be a dark horse but I think that may turn out to be Jennifer. I love that Amber removes her heels upon her exit. Love. She cries a LOT on a pool chaise and sobs that she “didn’t want to get hurt again.” So maybe lay off the dating shows, darling.

Next week promises a ton of Jubilee drama and Olivia targeting single mom Amanda.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.

Bits & Pieces

Happy Friday!

Hope you all had a wonderful week. On Wednesday I attended an amazing aromatherapy workshop at The Gladstone Hotel as part of their Get School’d series. I’ve also done their gut health workshop and one on making terrariums which I blogged about here). The aromatherapy one was so fantastic, and this morning as I was getting ready for work and dancing to Justin Bieber (not even embarrassed) I was spraying my apartment with my new custom made room spray (sweet orange and cassia, which is similar to cinnamon). We also got to make and take home a therapeutic oil and a perfume. I loved the class so much I’m considering looking into getting certified as an aromatherapist. This weekend I’m looking forward to brunching (yes, verb) like it’s my job and also watching a shit ton of Friends episodes on Netflix because it’s supposed to be super cold.

Wishing you all a wonderful and relaxing (and warm) weekend.

Here are some bits and pieces that made my week.

  • Who Steven Avery suspects of murdering Teresa Halbach. If you haven’t already watched the much-talked about Netflix series Making a Murderer, I highly recommend it. Plus, this weekend is supposed to be super cold so curl up with a blanket and prepare to scream at your TV.
  •  This hilarious SNL bit about a dating app called Settl.

  •  If Seinfeld was Serial.

 

 

 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 18, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Lots to get to from last night’s episode. So grab a coffee and shuffle some papers on your desk to make it look like you’re doing work and here we go.

We kick off week three with a shot of Lauren B. and Amanda gossiping over coffee about how apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes to come on the show! Host Chris Harrison arrives and addresses Ben’s harem in the living room with the first date card which is for, predictably, Lauren B. “The sky’s the limit” the card reads. “She’s somebody that has stood out to me from the moment she stepped out of the limo,” Ben says of Lauren B. Fight attendant Lauren should feel right at home at the airport Ben drives them to but she’s nervous at the prospect of getting onto a tiny plane (called a bi-plane) that looks like it came out of a Kinder Surprise Egg. All fears aside, Lauren and Ben are soon flying high on romance and fumes. The plane is a perfect shade of won’t crash yellow, which helps soothes her nerves. The kissing helps too even though it looks hella awkward. Ben and Lauren even do a fly-by over the mansion where the other women are lounging by the pool and day drinking (jealous).

After their plane adventure, Ben gives Lauren a piggyback ride to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. It’s like Oprah showed up on set one day and was all “hot tubs for everyone!!!” Also, that must be one long as fuck extension chord. I’ve always dreamed of undressing behind a tree on a date so hopefully this was also on Lauren B’s bucket list. Now bathing-suit clad, the duo climb into the hot tub. That’s 2 hot tubs in 2 weeks, if anyone is keeping count (I know you are). Ben throws around the word “peaceful” a few times and Lauren giggles that she might get her pilot’s license. Ben is totes smitten, that much is obvious. It’s all a bit bland but not offensive. I miss Kaitlyn as Bachelorette. She had enough personality to make dates fun to watch. This one is…not. The best part is that Ben looks at Lauren like ‘whoa’ which is pretty cute.

Back at the house, Caila (who had last week’s first one-on-one date) is emotional because apparently it’s just hitting her now that she could get her heart broken. ‎”It’s hard to have an open heart,” she cries. If you had 15 minutes in your first tears of the night pool you just made yourself some latte money my friend.

On the evening portion of their date, Lauren is in a beautiful white dress which I would never have the guts to wear because red wine. Lauren talks about her dad’s love for simple things like family and lawn maintenance. She seems to have a really good head on her shoulders and I can see these two making it to the end to end up in pretty, albeit perhaps somewhat boring, coupledom. Lauren says she is “very picky” which is why no one has put a ring on it yet.

At the house a group date card arrives for like 65 of the women it seems.‎ We are reminded that there is a Rachel. We all forgot about Rachel right? Apparently her nervousness about being on the date card translates to holding her abs and I’m all like we get it Rachael your core is ridic.

After Ben tells Lauren B. about his father’s heart problems she sorta blurts out that she wants to meet his parents but it plays adorable and not at all stage 5 clinger. After giving her the date rose, another band I’ve never heard of who is probably super famous in middle America serenades them. ‎On The Bachelor, every barn/castle/pub/gallery is secretly the Peach Pit after Dark and if you do not get that reference I am old enough to have been your babysitter and I hate you also please teach me Instagram thanks.

The next morning the women on the group date run hard at Ben on a soccer field. Ben likes to see what “attitudes they bring to the table”. In case we have forgotten, Ben is totes into all the sports and right in his element on the field. Rachel, whose profession is listed as “unemployed” (jealous again) is psyched when two female pro soccer players join them on the field for some ball training (pun intended).

Back at the Mansion of Tears, Jubilee is “beginning to fall for Ben” and is worried that she isn’t Ben’s type. His type being, she predicts, the “always happy girls.” ‎Jubilee sees herself as “complicated” (invoking thoughts of this Sex and the City scene, right?) and is worried Ben won’t be into her.

Chris Harrison joins the field crew to divide the women into teams to compete for an after-party with Ben. Olivia is all grrrr I got this‎ agro and the twins are split up and I am bored.

It’s Team Stars vs. Team Stripes‎ in a soccer match to the death (it feels like). Olivia has her TV announcer voice on all the time and Lace doesn’t understand soccer and the referee is kind of handsome and twin Emily is some sort of soccer savant goalie. “Balls flying at your face is never fun” she says. Oh come on, which producer got her to say that? Slow clapping for you, whoever you are. Previously invisible Rachel quickly recovers from an injury because love means never feeling a torn ligament, I guess? In the end, the victors are Team Stripes. So basically Olivia. So her and her mouth (did she get more teeth since last week??) will be all over the after party.

The sad Stars return to the house heartbroken and actually broken in Rachel’s case while Ben cheers to the winners and wears the shit out of a leather jacket. Amber’s goal is to finally get some alone time with Ben but Olivia swoops in first and they wander off holding hands into a hotel room and they wave down to the other women from a balcony. After getting comfy on the couch Olivia is all “the other women find me intimidating” which Ben seems kinda cool with since he gets that giving her the first impression rose on night one did essentially put a target on her back.

When Olivia returns from touching faces with Ben, Jami reveals to Olivia that the other women were making fun of her toes and gossiping that Olivia has fake boobs and bad breath. To her credit, Olivia is like “perfection is boring.”  Nice!

The next solo date card arrives at the house and it’s for Jubilee and she jumps up and down and maybe pees herself.

Back on the group date after-party, Amber finally makes her big move and tells Ben she knows what she wants and likes the way he handles himself and they share their first kiss and it’s enough to get her the date rose. “Now I know why I came back,” she says and I shout “because Bachelor in Paradise finished filming and you needed an excuse to wear all those bathing suits you bought?”

Jubilee is still in shock at getting the one-on-one date because she’s not a princess and she psyches herself out a bit and predicts she may go all “socially awkward‎” on the date. Previously ghostly quiet Jami refers to Jubilee as an “awko taco” and now she’s my favourite. Yup, it’s that easy. Toughie Jubilee is “deathly afraid of heights” and jokingly offers to give up her date when she sees the helicopter that lands on the grounds of the house to pick her and Ben up. The other women are disproportionately offended at Jubilee’s lack of gosh darn over the top enthusiasm. I mean, clearly she’s one of those people who defaults to sarcasm when they are nervous or on the spot (raises hand in solidarity). Ben’s hands are apparently made of magic or Valium because while Jubilee is nervous at first, she calms down quick on the helicopter ride when Ben puts his hand on her leg.

Their date takes place at an insanely Pinterest-worthy spa where they try caviar which Jubilee spits out (true story) and she confesses her love of hot dogs and her nervousness at being on the date. “Jubilee intrigues me,” Ben says. There’s another hot tub (!) and Jubilee gets to show off some of her tattoos and their interaction is totally different than the other women and Ben seems to dig it. She teases him a bit and babbles on a bit and makes him blush and she gushes in her voice-over that Ben might really “get her.” He’s certainly intrigued. It’s at least more interesting than the Lauren date, despite a clearly stronger romantic connection there.

Things get emotional over dinner as we learn more about Jubilee’s sad past. She was adopted out of Haiti when the rest of her family died, and Ben is very impressed by her strength and depth. He gives her the date rose and she sits on his lap so they can make out without that pesky food no one ever eats in the way. Ben with Jubilee is the most interesting version of Ben so far (aside from his time with Kaitlyn last season). More of this, please.

The next morning everyone is shocked to learn that Jubilee clearly got over her awko taco phase and killed it on the date enough to get a rose and stick around for another week. This is particularly horrifying to Lauren H. because suddenly word on the street is that Jubilee is mean and she won’t fit in with the other soccer moms. She specifically says “soccer moms.” Ugh.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party Ben tearfully announces that two close family friends passed away in a plane crash, and true to form Olivia is the first to steal him away for solo time. Instead of saying something even remotely comforting or sweet she tears up and tells Ben that people are crap talking her cankles and oh yeah she hates her legs too. This may be clever editing but if this was the first and only thing Olivia said to Ben for realsies rather than to see how he was handling the loss of his friends then she is a real cuntbasket. Amanda comes in and saves the day with her sweet talking and sympathy eyes.

A lot of the women are gossiping about Jubilee tonight,‎ which makes her retreat a bit into herself and separate from the other women. In her voice-over she alludes to other women not really liking her which typically raises an insta red flag with me because my female friendships are my life and I’m generally weary of girls who are all “I don’t get along with other women.” But with Jubilee, I find myself nodding and not rolling my eyes when she says this stuff, even when she describes herself as “more complicated than the other women.” She may be right. Jubilee later leads Ben to a massage table that has been set up nearby and gives him a massage to help take his mind off things (apparently massages are, like, his favourite) while Becca leads a pack of spies to creep on their solo time. Not a great side of Becca. Now Lace (who may or may not already be faced but frankly it’s hard to tell at this point) is pissed too because while Jubilee is safe from elimination this week she is not and thinks it unfair that Jubilee is hogging extra time.

Amber weirdly appoints herself the spokesperson for the angry anti-Jubilee mob and a crew of period-synched ladies hunt Jubilee down to express their anger over her rub down rendezvous with our Bachelor. Jubilee locks herself into a bathroom and shouts down any woman who approaches her. Ben tries to calm her down and Amber interrupts and makes her cry and tells her the other women were offended that she didn’t seem “grateful” enough to be going on a solo date with Ben. Ben handsomely interjects that he likes Jubilee just the way she is and says he takes responsibility for the emotions in the house. Uhhh good luck with that. Emotionally depleted, he then has to deal with Lace. He actually sighs while following her outside.

A tearful Lace launches into an apology and says she has “a lot of work to do” on herself and that she may need to bail so that she can go home and, like, do that. Hmm..is it possible Lace is trying to save face because she senses she will be roseless by the end of the night? Either way, she is making the right decision. Lace quotes a tattoo she has as inspiration for her departure. The tattoo says something like “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself” or something. Where the eff on her body is that? And then, with very minimal fanfare and almost cold detachment, she is gone. Did NOT see that one coming. At all. Lace does say in her departure interview that if she got her shit together she hopes she could be with someone as great as Ben. Ben is like a crazy whisperer!!!

If I referred to my tattoos every time I suddenly exited a reality dating show it would go something like: “My random upper arm Egyptian looking symbol that I got when I was 16 in a van at a music festival really showed me that I had to follow my gut but, more specifically, my lower back Gemini tattoo and really take some quality time with my dad’s initial on my ankle because French word for faith on my wrist” and the dude would already be  gone and back inside the house from the moment I said the word “van” and he’d be toasting 20 women coated in spray tan.

After a super emotional rose ceremony where Olivia shakily accepts the final rose of the night (punishment, we assume, for her untimely and self-centered comments earlier), a “blindsided” Jami and jumpsuit-clad Shushanna are left roseless and off to the limo of Sad Gal Tears™. Turns out Shushanna speaks English. Quite well! Cue the sad piano music over Jami’s (hopefully joking) exit line: “I’m going to start adopting cats now.” But lest we forget Olivia. She may have received the last rose but she will not be deterred! She reads a shit ton of subtext into Ben’s post-rose hug and lays down some fighting words: “He’s my man at this point.” If this is the logic we apply to life then, here’s one for me: My Starbucks barista drew a smiley face on my coconut latte cup this morning so we’re totally engaged now!

Next week the Bachelor and his dwindling harem are off to Vegas where Olivia continues to piss everyone off. In a post-credit hot tub blooper, we re-visit Ben and Lauren B. in the hot tub and there’s a weird noise and they laugh and are silly and it’s actually the best part of the date.

Until next week!

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Two

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 2 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 11, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers (yes, this is how I will refer to y’all for the balance of the season).

The ladies who made it past week one are toasting their joy with mimosas (I never presume pure OJ first) and settling into the house‎. The first group date card arrives with a voice-over from Lace (who got faced on night one) admitting she got too drunk and declaring that she is looking for redemption. I want to hate Lace but she’s really good at steaming her clothes before dates and that speaks to me.

The first group date crew of 20-something funemployed gals meet Ben at a nearby high school, with JoJo getting the first hug in. Host Chris Harrison is dressed up all nerd chic and announces that the woman will be competing for the role of homecoming queen. Lace is partnered with Jubilee and they head to test #1 which is making a volcano but with ingredients called Communication and Trust. They can’t find communication, so their volcano doesn’t explode, so they get eliminated. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. Next is some ridiculous apple bobbing passing thing and Ben’s handsomeness distracts Jackie. Round 3 is geography. Oh god they have to locate Indiana on a map and it’s a shit show. Everyone’s hair looks great though. Becca and JoJo are eliminated at this point. Next is basketball. Kooky Mandi is not in her element here but still wins thanks to her swishy partner Amber.‎ There’s a not at all shocking twist of the ‘there can only be one’ variety of course, with Amber and Mandi challenged to a good old fashioned foot race (with hurdles) to win the title of homecoming queen and some alone time with Ben. Mandi wins by a landslide. Ben, to his credit, manages to seem excited by this fact. Their alone time mostly consists of slowly riding a lawn mower around the track while the other women watch them forlornly.

Later that evening Ben and his harem meet on a rooftop and Becca is the first to pull him away for a solo chat. They talk while shooting baskets, and Becca (who is really good at basketball) gushes about how excited she is to be here and open herself up again after appearing on Chris Soules’ season. Ben seems equally thrilled that she’s giving The Bachelor another go.

Jennifer tells Ben they could be a “really great match” which leads to the first official kiss of the season. Well played, Jennifer! Immediately upon rejoining the other girls she is grilled and admits to the kiss, sending Lace’s face into a a bitch twitch.

Back at the house, Olivia has (privately) declared herself the front runner but it’s chipper cutie Caila who receives the first solo date card‎. This gives Olivia jealousy eyes (but props to her for going makeup free on camera).

Back on the group date , Lace will not be ignored. She grabs some alone time by force and apologizes for her night one “negative” behaviour. Ben says he did “feel attacked” by her outburst but emphasizes his lack of eye contact at the rose ceremony was not intentional. “Crazy right?” she half laughs, sounding like she’s maybe calling herself crazy first to beat everyone else to the punch. “Ben is so forgiving,” she purrs later during her private interview. Jubilee swoops in and Lace sees this as kiss-interruptus, but it didn’t look to me like Ben was interested in locking lips. Hasn’t Lace learned from night one not to try and force him to touch faces? Down girl.

Jubilee has “a lot of layers” that Ben finds intriguing. She tells Ben she was born in Haiti and was adopted out of an orphanage, and he is into her military background and calls her “incredible.”

Lace uses math to attack Jubilee and insist she deserves more time and is all “fuck these bitches” and interrupts Ben saying “I’m not crazy but…I just need one more minute.” Hey Lace, maybe try starting your conversations with Ben some other way. I would suggest that we turn her saying “crazy” into a drinking game, but it’s probably best that I don’t spend Tuesday mornings vomiting in my office trash bin. “I’m getting that rose tonight!” Lace shouts into the camera before heading back to the other women where her return is met with warning blinks and barely contained disdain.

JoJo is nervous about her zero alone time this evening but Ben comes and gets her and they make their way to a private area where he raves about her “energy” on their date and she twirls her hair and they kiss finally. Can I just interrupt and say how cute Ben is? A basket of puppies cute. Ben presents JoJo with the group date rose and Lace throws her off the roof (with her eyes).

The next day, Ben arrives at the house to pick up Caila in front‎ of all the other women (awkward), and we learn that Ben picked the woman to go on the date with but host Chris Harrison organized the date. It’s a ‘Ride Along’ with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (see what they did there?). Fun fact: in high school I used to casually refer to Ice Cube as my husband. Cube and Kevin are all “let’s do a cheap date and tag along and see how she deals”. Caila squeals like she’s never seen a classic car before and off they go, this weird, weird foursome.

Ben tries to buy Caila roadside flowers while Kevin barters the price. Then they narrate from the back seat and are generally the worst when it comes to romance. Case in point: the most romantic thing Ice Cube has ever done for a woman is “married one.” Next stop: liquor store. Ben is looking for “light” alcohol (you know, because it’s the morning) while Ice Cube suggests cond0ms. Groan, Ben actually asks her what her favourite colour is (unrelated to condoms). It’s yellow, by the way. Their next stop is a hot tub store where they test out the merchandise and Kevin shows his junk. Caila is a great sport and finally the duo are left alone to chat while Caila tries her darndest to not get her hair wet.

Meanwhile Amanda is missing her two young daughters and hoping for a date card to make it all better. When the group date card is read aloud, O‎livia hears her name and gasps and falls back on the couch like she just won Powerball.

Back to Ben and Caila. For the evening portion of their date, they meet in a restaurant and her amazing smile and Tia Carrere hair have Ben captivated. Caila confesses she met her last boyfriend on a plane and randomly ran into him on the street a few weeks later and thought it was fate but her “heart never caught up.” What she doesn’t say (but we know thanks to week one interviews) is that Caila sent that dude to Dumpsville when she got a chance to meet Ben. Ben is “excited” to get to know her better and offers Caila the date rose. They head to a nearby theatre where Amos Lee whom I’ve never heard of is on stage. I had never heard of any of the musical guests who have appeared on this show in over six years, probs because none have opened for Taylor Swift or had beef with Nicki Minaj on the internet. They make out on the dance floor while Amos sings Ben’s favourite song. It’s all mad eye contact and Ben even sings a bit. Overall, the date was fine but they lack some of the chemistry he has shown with Lauren B., Jennifer and Olivia.‎ The song helped, but is it enough? I think Caila will definitely be around for the foreseeable future though.

Olivia and her mouth are Uber amped for the second group date of the week (she would not have lost the bobbing for apples challenge).

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Olivia. The poor man’s Cameron Diaz.

The women arrive at the Love Lab and are greeted by a white coat-clad Ben and a team of ‘Love Experts’. “I want to see if science can help me find love,” Ben says. The women are outfitted in all white and it’s time to explore their cortex (not a euphemism). They are put through a retinal tracking test, including one where the woman view a side-by-side of Ben and former Bachelor Sean Lowe to see where their eyes go. Then they get to run on a treadmill so that a blindfolded Ben can perform a sniff test to test suss our some pheromones. “Beachy!”or “flowery!” Ben declares. Olivia’s rear has a “fruity aroma” while Samantha is “more sour.” Ouch.

Last is a thermal energy test that each women participates in while the others watch from another room. Olivia has no fear when it’s her turn and she pushes for a kiss but Ben gently turns her down because he knows the other women are watching. In the end, Samantha has the lowest score and the highest score is Olivia. So, confidence and science for the win!

During the evening portion of this second group date, Olivia’s high score (and huge mouth) gets her pulled aside first by Ben who brings her to his Bachelor Pad. She tells Ben she “feels compatibility” with him so science just confirmed what she suspected. ‎They share a “magical” first kiss and she experiences “heat in her stomach area” which I totally heard as “diarrhea.”

When Olivia returns she keeps close-lipped on where she went with Ben which sets Amanda off because she already had “bad vibes” about Olivia.

“Group dating is hard,”‎ moans Captain Obvious. Samantha gets another sniff test during her alone time with Ben and receives the all clear this time. Shushanna, we learn, came to America on a hunt to buy a car. There’s something about her having one pair of shoes and two bottles of vodka. I like that strategy. Single mom Amanda, like, tells Ben, like, that she has two young daughters who are, like “cuter, cooler” versions of herself. Overuse of the word “like” aside, Amanda is totes adorable.  I bet her kids would love to tell Ben their favourite colour.”She makes so much more sense now,” Ben says after learning she’s a mom.  He seems all aboard the mom with kids train. “Kids don’t scare me,” Ben tells Amanda, and they kiss.

Later, Ben rejoins all of the women on the group date and declares that “today’s date was great for me, but tonight is better.” He presents the date rose to a haughty Olivia.” Olivia Higgins…let’s just end the show now!” she laughs in her private interview. And Amanda becomes the season’s first crier, saying she’s not sure if it’s worth it to be here.

By now someone has created a Twitter account for Olivia’s mouth, right? And there are probably 18 memes about her pulling out “winning!”, Charlie Sheen styles after receiving the rose. Hey, villains gotta vill (I’m sorry, that expression makes me throw up in my mouth too but it’s now synonymous with this Bachelor/Bachelorette world). I can’t say I hate Olivia but she could be less abrasive and maybe close her mouth like 32% more.

On cocktail party night, Ben shows up wearing the shit out of a 3-piece gray suit. Gosh darn his handsome, handsome face. He’s got some decisions to make and I start to worry that some of the woman (Leah, for one) are wearing too much lipstick for Ben to risk a kiss (but as a non-makeup person I could just be projecting).

Olivia spends her evening hovering nearby Ben and when she does get him alone she says, between kisses, “I just want to say thank you for yesterday…you give me butterflies.” While this is going on, the other women gather ’round and bitch about Olivia butting in all the time. Whoa, has Olivia eclipsed Lace as the new house villain? “I’m done, now everybody have at it,” Olivia announces upon her return.

Lace pulls Olivia aside and I can’t tell if the moment they share is bonding or a “step off because I am gonna win this.” They are both very confident that they are the woman for Ben, and I can’t tell if they’ve just bonded in their villain-ness or laid down the gauntlet but, like, while smiling real pretty.

Lace and Ben are alone again and, again, Lace refers to herself as crazy. “I have a very bold personality…I’m a lot to handle,” she announces, to which Ben responds “um hmm”. “I know I’m coming off a little crazy to you…” SHE KEEPS TALKING. Lace then launches into some slurring lame story where she describes some photo that exists of her as a youth that proves she’s a nerd or maybe a raptor? I think? Thanks god she is interrupted before she goes on to describe, like, what she ate for breakfast or calls herself crazy for the 19th time. She keeps moaning after about screwing up her time and how she didn’t want to be like this (like herself, I presume) around Ben. I guess some crazy just can’t be contained.

The mostly silent until now LB is feeling the pressure to talk to Ben and Amber is also starting to panic that she won’t have enough time with our Bachelor to secure a rose tonight. Nearby, Ben presents Lauren B. with a photo of them on night one sitting on the steps where he has brought her now. ‎”I don’t know how to make you feel special but I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” he tells her. Awww!

Next, we see Ben giving schoolteacher Lauren H. a ribbon for having the biggest explosion in the volcano contest. Random! He also brings Amanda to (happy) tears when he asks if they can craft barrettes with flowers for her daughters. Some producer is high-fiving herself behind a potted plant somewhere on set for coming up with this too-cute bonding idea.

But the fun and crafting must come to an end. Host Chris Harrison is all “sorry (not sorry) to break up the party”‎ and Ben laments he didn’t get to talk to everyone tonight but it’s time to send some ladies packing in the Limo of Mascara Tears™.

Time for the rose ceremony. Olivia and Caila are odour free as they have nothing to fear with their safety roses in hand. Amanda receives the first rose while Lace has a silent breakdown. LB gets called to receive a rose but she asks to speak to Ben privately and tells him she is leaving. “This is a two-way street and I want everyone here to feel empowered,” Ben says, upon returning. When the dust (rose petals) has settled, Lace does have a rose (gack) but  ‎Samantha, Mandi and Jackie do not. Ben walks Samantha out and I expect a longer goodbye but it’s pretty cut and dry. Samantha probably hates science now. A lot. So basically, Amber was saved by LB’s departure, right? She’ll have to make a big impression next week to make it through another rose ceremony.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.

 

Weird Shit I Said/Wrote This Week

  • Two episodes of Making a Murderer to go. My head hurts. This is so messed up. Remind me to never expose myself to a female relative who is married to a cop, ok? Because that is what started this whole shit storm.
  • Do people think that when they call us monsters we care? Because we don’t care. We’re monsters.
  • Mostly I just stole cheese from from the grocery store and committed light treason. How were your holidays?
  • I should probably just give in already and buy the new One Direction CD.
  • Those are the sweatpants of a “happy ending” masseuse.
  • Oh, the Bachelor is back so I no longer care about world events.