Bits & Pieces

25 05 2012

Hey ho,

Time for another round-up of bits and pieces that made my (three-day) week a bit better.

  • I recently re-watched Sixteen Candles because I found it for $5 at Walmart and thought – “Oh I’ve seen this but don’t own it??!! That’s weird. I love John Hughes movies. I thought I owned all of them. I watch The Breakfast Club like twice a month. Score!” And then I watched it and remembered that it kinda sucks (sorry!). I texted MM that I didn’t actually like the movie AT ALL and that it was beyond unrealistic, even for a teen flick. She…heartily disagreed with my opinion. But it turns out I’m not the only one who thinks Samantha Baker and Jake Ryan would never have worked in real life.
  • I hightailed it out of the suburbs so fast post-high school that I left roadrunner type cartoon smoke in my wake, and I haven’t looked back. I’m a total city girl, but sometimes I do long for certain aspects of the suburbs (mostly the Red Lobster and Costco). This article on ‘Top 10 Signs You Are Not a City Person’ made me laugh out loud (especially #4).
  • This twisted ponytail is going to be my go-to lazy summer hair style for hot days and hangover brunches.




The Bachelorette – Week Two

23 05 2012

I’ve been in Montreal since Friday so I’m quite behind on my TV viewing, but I did manage to catch up on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. As always, stop reading now if you don’t want week two spoilers (original air date – Monday, May 21). 

I can sum up week two in one word: YAWN.

I appreciate that Emily chose to forgo the typical crazy first one-on-one date of the season (helicopter jumping or cliff diving or bare knuckle boxing with a drunk grizzly bear) to spend a casual afternoon at her mansion baking cookies with Ryan for her daughter’s soccer game. After all, she is a single mom and this is her life. She’s got shit to do, yo. Hand to god I want her to do a laundry date. If I were The Bachelorette, I’d be trying to convince the producers that nothing would make for better TV than having my potential suitors over to paint my place and do some light laundry and tiling. Two birds, people. Two birds.

Ryan seemed a tad disappointed that he wasn’t going to spend the day fighting ninjas or whatever but they got on well and had a nice afternoon. Later they do dinner and a surprise performance by her favourite country band who’s name I can’t bother to look up. There’s some awkward dancing and everyone is taking their picture with their iPhones to post to Facebook later. Awkward. Ryan’s handsome in a smooth, soap opera actor kind of way (he’d make a good Lance or Mitch). The date ends well, and Ryan gets a rose and as such will be safe during the rose ceremony.

Meanwhile, back at the Penis Pad (that’s just how I’m going to refer to the house where the men sleep and drink beer)…… everyone hates Kalon (the guy who flew in on a helicopter), the men are starting to get aggressive in their ploys for time with Emily, and I start to feel sorry for the camera man whose job it is to film the men lounging out by the pool all the time.

The group date involves the Muppets. That’s all the time I want to spend writing about that. I have recurring nightmares about Kermit the Frog. Moving on.

The final one-on-one date of the week is with Joe, who Emily says reminds her of Matthew McConaughey. That made me laugh so hard I spit out my lunch wine. The dude looks more like a foot with hair. Nice enough guy. Kind of generic. Emily ultimately decides not to give Joe a rose, and so he is sent home immediately. These sudden death eliminations are stressful! Back at the Penis Pad, the dudes are shocked to see Joe’s bags being taken away. Emily cries and laments over how hard it is and looks really pretty on a balcony while doing so.

Time for the pre-rose ceremony COCKtails (get it?). The men folk clamour for some last moments of one-on-one time with Emily…and she only has eyes for my husband Jef. That’s just what I’m going to call him from now on. Go with it.

Ryan gives her a note and makes her read it and it’s awkward for everyone and the men are pissed because OH MY GOD RYAN ALREADY HAS A ROSE HOW DARE HE TALK TO EMILY! —- and my god is she STILL reading that note because while that’s been happening I had enough time to take a shower AND cyber-stalk Ryan Gosling and ok we’re back —- and Kalon is creepy and let’s just get this night over with people!

Aaron (I love his big glasses and the fact that he teaches biology and I cheated my way through biology in high school) and Kyle (he’s like human frozen yogurt) are sent packing and everyone drinks.

Until next week. Dolly Parton will be on the show y’all. Gird your loins!

See last week’s recap here: http://justsayjenn.com/2012/05/18/the-bachelorette-week-one/





Summer Stuff

22 05 2012

Every year I make a summer wish list of stuff to do between mid-May and early October (a time period I have referred to for the past 4 years as ‘Summer of Jenn’). It can’t be all sangria hangovers and park naps y’all (ok, it can be a little  – but I’m trying to branch). Some are silly, some involve a bit of travel and some are purely indulgent, but most of them are geared to savouring what’s supposed to be a very hot Toronto summer.

  • Make friends with boat people. Then go on their boats. Seems simple, but MM and I have tried (mostly through telepathy, but ‘A’ for effort, right?) to befriend boat people for the past few years. On a trip to Vancouver we thought perhaps we could make friends via proximity to water. So we just sort of lurked there. No dice.

BE MY FRIEND BOAT PEOPLE. Sigh.

  • Take a class in something art-y. Or art-adjacent. A few years back, MM and I took a clay class at The Gardiner Museum. I tried to act out Ghost on the pottery wheel but there was a line-up. For ‘Ghost-ing’.

Clay class at the Gardiner Museum.

  • Get on a lake and enjoy some water sports. Perhaps in some sort of canoe. Anything that floats, really.

Jenn + Canoe = Fun

  • Learn how to BBQ. I can’t keep making R cook all my veggie burgers. Well, I can. But I think she might throw one at me soon.
  • Try some new beers. I had a blast with MM and K at the Granville Island Brewing Co. in Vancouver. And I love beer. Especially wheat beer on a hot summer day.

Beer samplers at the Granville Island Brewing Co. in Vancouver. I swear these aren’t pints. They were tiny. Well, tiny-ish.

  • Go to Canada’s Wonderland. It’s been about 12 years since I’ve been, and I really want to go on some roller coasters and slam down some funnel cake. AT THE SAME TIME.
  • Marathon Mad Men, Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy (for rainy days and hangover Sundays).
  • Turn 30. Stay classy. Oh lordy.

Time to turn 30.

  • Play tourist in my own city. I love Toronto, and even after living in the city for 10+ years I still feel like there’s so much more to see. I get a kick out of playing tour guide to friends and family visiting Toronto because I get to explore new areas and restaurants too. Though I rarely venture north of Dupont, I’m looking to explore the North end of the city a bit more this summer. R and I spent a day in the St. Clair and Bathurst area last summer and had a blast. She scored an amazing denim jacket from the Salvation Army and I ate 3 cupcakes. It was a good day.

Hamming it up on the Danforth (Greektown).

  • Enjoy some outdoor movies at Harbourfront during their Free Flicks nights. Last summer I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and Annie Hall. And brought my own wine. Win-win.
  • Get a day pass for one of the hotel pools around the city. Maybe one from this list? I have my eye on the Radisson.
  • Got to some outdoor concerts and music festivals. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I have a fear of two things: Porta Potties and clowns.  A clown IN a Porta Potty would probably render me dead. MM and I are going to see Brand New in August and we typically get out to see some bands and go to some parties during North by Northeast (NxNE). I think maybe this year I’d be up for an all day outdoor concert type of thing. Unless it’s raining. Or too hot. Or there are clowns there.

My 2010 NxNE Media/Priority Pass

  • More brunches. More mimosas. Self explanatory.
  • Hit up some food festivals. Yes, the crowds can be a bit overwhelming, but I’ve done the Taste of the Danforth and The Taste of Little Italy and enjoyed both. It’s nice to wander around stuffing your face in a crowd of people also stuffing their face. Solidarity, fatties! This year I’d like to drop by the Vegetarian Food Festival too.
  • I think I would like to maybe rent a cottage for a weekend this summer. My friend L has a gorgeous cottage on the lake that we went up to last Labour Day weekend and had a blast. There’s something so peaceful about being on a lake. Unless you’re playing Yahtzee with a bunch of crazies. Inside joke.

Down by the lake at L’s cottage.

  • Road trips! My cousins and I are driving to Boston for Canada Day weekend (but I’m flying back because Porter was having a sale – holler!). I’d also like to maybe take some day trips to places like Elora and St. Jacobs and maybe some of these places too. I used to go to St. Jacobs all the time when I was a kid because it was near our summer place, but it’s been awhile and I could really get on board with buying a supply of pies from a man wearing a lot of wool.
  • Run. As I’ve mentioned, I’m doing my first run in October. It’s only a 5 km run but that’s kind of a lot for someone who’s never run. IT IS! I’m so focused on making this a running summer that I opted out of tennis lessons this summer. But I’ll probs hit up Howard Park and High Park to play if I get a chance. Though my tennis partner is currently in Spain…..(lucky girl).
  • Go ziplining again. I had a blast ziplining in Costa Rica last year and would like to do it again without having to go to Costa Rica because as it turns out I don’t like getting robbed. I’m also down for repelling. If you know of a good place to do either within a 2 hour drive from Toronto, please let me know!

Ziplining in Costa Rica – April 2011.

  • Give golfing another go. I stupidly assumed that being able to actually successfully connect golf club to golf ball at various driving ranges meant that I could golf. Oh, how harsh reality can be. My brother, sister-in-law and I went golfing last summer on what turned out to be the hottest day ever. I was not good. But I had fun. And I’m ready for round 2. Look at me, making golf puns!
  • Go to The Ex. As a kid, I never went to The Ex. According to MM, this is blasphemy. But I’ve been making up for lost time over the past 5+ years because we visit at least twice when The Ex comes to Toronto each summer in mid/late August through Labour Day weekend. We hit the food building  a lot. Hard. Roti, perogies, pickles on a stick. Yum. There’s also some fun shopping. Overall, it’s just a great place to hang out for a few hours but I generally avoid going on closing weekend (Labour Day) and prefer to go after work during opening week (bonus: it’s also cheaper during the week – $5 after 5 pm from Monday-Thursday). Don’t say I never did anything nice for you.

Our favourite ride at The Ex.

  • Hit up the Toronto Islands. The Islands are a place I generally try to avoid on weekends, as the overcrowding on the ferry to get there gives me Titanic anxiety. But once you’re there it can be a really great place to have a picnic and walk around. Also, what’s not to love about an oversize chair. AMIRIGHT? bring your bike and ride around. Drink some wine down by the lake. It’s a great place to bring kids, as there are wading pools and an amusement park. Just don’t bring them to the nude beach part. It’s mostly full of creepy old men. Don’t ask.

Me on the big chair on the Toronto Island.

  • Get another tattoo? Debating. My most recent tattoo was done last summer in Montreal. I have some ideas, but I think my mom may start getting actually angry…..or as close to angry as she gets which is like an eye twitch.

Getting tattooed – August 2011 (Montreal).

End result – FOI. It’s the French word for faith.

  • Make a point of visiting farmers markets more vs. buying my produce from the grocery store. Torontonians LOVE farmers markets. We’re fancy that way. My favourites are the Dufferin Grove Farmers’ Market (Thursdays from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m on Dufferin Street across from the Dufferin Mall) and Wychwood Barns (Saturdays from 8 a.m. to 12 p.m. on Christie Street at St. Clair). I’ve also heard about one in Liberty Village that I want to check out.

So that’s my summer fun wish list. What’s on yours?





The Bachelorette – Week One

18 05 2012

If you haven’t watched the most recent episode of The Bachelorette – being the first episode of this new season featuring Emily Maynard (air date: Monday, May 14) – you may want to stop reading as I reveal one of the eliminated contestants.

Before you start judging, I would like to offer up a weak defense: I’ve only watched – in total – maybe 3 seasons of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad. Hand to god. And there’s been a combined, like, 389 seasons. Or something. I’d like to say my reasons for not watching have been altruistic, but really it’s because since moving into my own apartment in the city 6 1/2 years ago, I’ve never had cable nor been able to pick up CityTV with rabbit ears. Probably for the best.

About a year and a half ago I got sucked into Bachelor Pad (because I’m a stupid bitch), and then this past winter I watched every single episode of Ben’s season on The Bachelor because I wanted to get some tips on what a girl’s got to do to bag a wine maker. It turns out, you have to be really beautiful but completely awful to women.

So cut to me on my couch Tuesday night streaming the previous night’s premiere episode of The Bachelorette Season 8 featuring Emily Maynard. She’s 26 (which seems impossible to me because I’m 29 and she looks waaaaaaaaaay older but not in a busted face way) and a single mom. Her fiancé was a racecar driver who died in a plane crash about a week before she discovered she was pregnant. She also ‘won’ a previous season of the Bachelor (Brad’s second season) but they broke up like a minute later. Pretty typical.

So week one of every season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette is when they introduce the contestants. This week’s episode was pretty much a penis parade. One dude after another got out of a limo (or a helicopter, ick) and introduced himself to Emily with some variation on the phrase “My god you’re beautiful/You look spectacular/I can’t wait to go on this journey/You look amazing.” – side note: I wanted to start a drinking game during Ben’s season where you had to take a shot every time someone said the word journey, but I would have been trashed after the “previously, on The Bachelor’ recap that they run in the first 5 minutes of each episode.

There were some stand-out dudes. A handsome single dad named Doug who ended up with the first impression rose. A super handsome pro sports trainer named Ryan whose neck I want to sniff a little. A skateboarding CEO of a water bottle company named Jef who I think I’m in love with. An accountant named Nate who Emily seemed smitten with during the intros, and described as smelling really good (sold!).

There was one dude who I immediately had to scream “OH HELL NO!” at. A ‘singer-songwriter’ from New York named David who I’m pretty sure was using The Bachelorette as a forum by which to announce to the world that he’s a complete douchenugget without having to get t-shirts printed up. He was one of the men they included amongst the more in-depth interviews they ran early in the episode (you see where they live, their cute dogs, maybe a glance at them in some gym attire, meow). His entire segment consisted of him singing into a camera the chorus to a song clearly called Emily. The chorus, if you’re interested, was just the word ‘Emily’ over and over again. He – spoiler – got eliminated. Phew.

Then I had to wait for M to catch up. And then this text message conversation happened:

M: Watching The Bachelorette – she’s 26??????? aaaaaaaaaaand she’s been engaged twice. Twice! I’ve only been fake engaged once.

J: And that was to me. I’m having trouble with the 26 too. But how much do we love CEO skateboarder Jef?

M: Seriously though, he’s the reason girls (okay me) keep dating guys who are basically homeless.

J: Right? I’m hoping he’s like the host of PUNK’D: SO CAL EDITION.

M: And all of the proceeds go to helping teach inner city children how to read. Fucker. Ugh, he’s probably curing AIDS.

J: With his feelings. I need to meme him.

M: I hope he murders New York singer-songwriter guy. Seriously! Where is his studio. His mom’s basement? Because no one’s paying him for that.

J: They pay him to stop. I was actually terrified of him. I had to fast forward through his bits.

M: That is the shape of my nightmares.

J: He probably gets murdered.

M: Fingers crossed. She should just marry Chris Harrison. He’s the best one.

J: And he just split with his wife!

M: Exactly! They both obviously love being engaged.





I Want To Be Best Friends with Mindy Kaling

17 05 2012

So guys, Mindy Kaling has her own show now and I reeeeeeeeeeally want to watch it. It`s called `The Mindy Project`.

It had me at `You don`t show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face.`

Here`s a look at the show. Now we just have to wait for fall.

Sigh.

DON`T FUCK THIS UP FOX NETWORK!





“Smile. No sadness. Happiness.”

16 05 2012

“Smile. No sadness. Happiness.”

That’s what a homeless man shouted at me as I walked out of Walmart tonight. He thought I was crying.

I wasn’t.

(Though I have cried leaving the Dufferin Mall Walmart before, due to…well due to it being the Dufferin Mall Walmart).

What appeared to this man as tears was actually the sanitizer I had just wiped on my face due to being stuck in line behind a family of spitty talkers with no sense of personal space.

My response?

“They were out of Plan B.”

Then I gave him $5.

 





Bits & Pieces

11 05 2012

I feel like all I did this week was eat crackers and watch Downton Abbey. Aside from carbs and witty British barbs, here are some bits and pieces that made my week.

I leave you with this:

xoxo/Jenn








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