Happy Friday. This made me laugh. A lot. Enjoy!
Happy Friday. This made me laugh. A lot. Enjoy!
Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere (part 2) of The Bachelorette (original air date: Tuesday, May 19, 2015).
And those cruel, clever Bachelorette producers have drawn it out over a two-night television event. After all the #putyourroseinmybox votes were counted this season’s Bachelorette will be…Kaitlyn!
Yays! I adore Kaitlyn and she’s super entertaining so this should be a fun season. I also like Britt, and watching Chris Harrison tell her she wasn’t chosen was gut wrenching. He does mention that the vote was close, so that’s something??
After sending a tearful but stoic Britt home in a limo, Chris finds Kaitlyn to break the big news. He messes with her by saying “unfortunately……we had to send Britt home.” Oh Harrison you tease! Kaitlyn looks equal parts thrilled and sad for Britt, and she expresses feeling bad for being so excited. Ah, what a “sweet girl”, as Chris calls her. But not so fast with all that excitement Kaitlyn because now that you’ve been anointed it’s time for some Bachelorette business: you still have to send some dudes home in a rose ceremony tonight. Kaitlyn calls her mom to share the great news and mom says to get off the phone and go meet “my future son-in-law.” Shawn B and Ian are particularly THRILLED when Kaitlyn enters the room to begin her reign. It’s time for most of these men to make a second first impression, because now Kaitlyn has the power and will choose who goes home. Welder Joshua presents Kaitlyn with a steel rose. Tony the healer is thinking he might need to go home and “dig his own well” now that Britt has left. Jared confesses that he voted for Britt which Kaitlyn “appreciates”. I guess ultimately it’s better to find out sooner rather than later. Musician Brady had major sparks with Britt and he’s visibly bummed. Kaitlyn vocalizes her fears that the Team Britt men won’t be too disappointed that she’s the Bachelorette. When chatting with JJ, Kaitlyn becomes super into him after he mentions having a daughter. Dentist and cupcake car enthusiast (and all around cutie) Chris makes an impact by inspecting Kaitlyn for cavities with his tongue. And there we have the first kiss of the season! Ultimately, the first impression rose goes to Gosling-esque Shawn B. who has apparently developed a bit of a drawl as the night has gone on. He scores the rose and the second kiss of the night.
We head into the rose ceremony and tensions are high. Tony inexplicably makes the cut. Brady interrupts the action to announce his plans to stalk Britt forever. Ok, not exactly, but after saying his goodbye to Kaitlyn, Chris Harrison offers to hook him up. Back at the rose ceremony, a few Britt boys make it through (like Jonathan and Jared) and ultimately a bunch of men whose names I can’t be bothered to write here got sent packing including the hot tub car guy and the stripper. Kaitlyn and her man harem end the ceremony with a champagne toast.
And with that week one of what promises to be a steamy season of The Bachelorette comes to a close. and holy shit snacks Nick V. from Andi’s season is back!
Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 18, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! I look forward to the inevitable roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelorette, particularly since we start with an unprecedented two-for-the-price-of-one Bachelorettes! That’s right, both Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson from the most recent season of The Bachelor will compete to move forward as the Bachelorette this season, and the decision as to which lovely lady will be the Bachelorette is left to 25 “incredible” men/total strangers who are being guided by their penises.
How have we found ourselves in this situation? Well by the time the Bachelor finale aired last season, both Britt and Kaitlyn were immensely popular with the powers-that-be who dictate North American television (wine drunk women between the ages of 24-45, obviously). We’re treated to a recap of their ‘journeys’ as contestants on The Bachelor. Britt was an early favourite of our last Bachelor – farmer Chris Soules. From night one it was on like Donkey Kong. Britt is the super pretty, emotional, sweet one who cries a lot and essentially sleeps in lipstick. Kaitlyn is the sexy ‘wildfire’ girl who is funny as fuck and likes to skinny dip. The Canadian stunner is known for her sometimes crude jokes and goofy, easy-going personality, and she ended up being one of my favourite Bachelor contestants ever as the season progressed because girl was just so real, you know? I’m a little bummed that she appears to have gotten her lips done since ending the show. It was pretty obvious during the After the Final Rose episode last season. Ah well, to each their own.
After the here’s-why-we-couldn’t-pick-just-one recap, we watch both women hyperventilate in separate limos en route to meet the 25 men who will form part of one of their Penis Parades. A few are profiled more in depth: a single dad who’s all about Britt, an exotic dancer, a singer-songwriter (I stopped listening to his story when he started in on the ‘melodies inside him’), a Chris Soules-clone who’s a welder from a really really really small town y’all (with his sights set on Kaitlyn), an executive recruiter from Venice Beach, a weirdo who talks about superheroes, a yoga guy/healer named Tony who talks to his plants but not really other people, and a personal trainer (aren’t they all?).
During the limo arrivals, Britt’s all First Impression Girl and Kaitlyn feels a bit left out in the cold. The men seem to gravitate more towards Britt and she’s obviously good at making people feel warm and cuddly. The tide starts to turn about mid-way and Kaitlyn finally gets some love. A particularly clever gentleman named JJ throws out an “I’d like to puck you” reminiscent of Kaitlyn’s limo exit introduction of “you can plow the fuck out of my field anytime” when she met Chris Soules on night one. There’s the obvious but somehow still endearing “Honeys, I’m home” guy and overall it seems like a decent (?) crop. Not the best I’ve ever seen, but there are a few gems in there (fingers crossed). I personally think that former Bachelorette Emily Maynard had THE BEST man harem of all the Bachelorettes. I would’ve let almost every single one of those men get to first base*.
Kaitlyn gets more comfortable as the night progresses, and her personality starts to really shine through. The stripper brings some steaminess (and a lot of cheesiness). Someone shows up with moonshine and a face I’ll easily forget. A few of the bros even show up with gifts (including one guy who brings tissue for Britt – ha!). So far it seems like a 50/50 split between the men who are leaning towards Kaitlyn and those leaning towards Britt. There’s a group hug from a Ryan Gosling-esque dude named Shawn B. who makes both women feel all the feelings. I wonder if he can pull off Ryan’s Dirty Dancing move from Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Britt gets a little pouty when Kaitlyn ‘breaks the rules’ by popping inside to say hi to the dudes who’ve arrived so far. Luckily the women are soon distracted by yoga guy/healer Tony who gives them the EXACT SAME creepy speech about wanting love. Ick. And are we all just pretending he doesn’t have what appears to be a weird bruise under his eye? Perhaps one of his plants/BFFs got sick of his crap and fought back. Back inside, the vote still seems split down the middle and thick-necked Ryan is “all horned up right now.” Translation: drunk as a skunk.
[Update on Ryan: apparently he used to date one of the ex-Bachelor contestants Nikki, who “won” Juan Pablo’s season, proving that Nikki has truly horrible taste in men).
One man shows up in a hot tub car (and is a sex coach, apparently) and gets heckled by Ryan for his ‘sucky’ ride. A very handsome dentist named Chris arrives in a cupcake-shaped scooter but I don’t even care because handsome.
Finally the entire Penis Parade have arrived and Kaitlyn and Britt join them in the mansion/bar. Kaitlyn opens with a Kaitlyn-style knock-knock joke (the joke being that there are two Bachelorettes). A very confident Ian is here just for Kaitlyn, and he leads her outside for some solo time. She also wows a number of other dudes with her humour and cool-girl vibe. A bunch of the men, however, remain undecided. “Do you choose the one you like the most or do you choose the one that likes you the most,” one muses. Yoga guy/healer Tony and Britt dig each others vibes and she likes how ‘centred’ he seems. He switches from Team Kaitlyn to Team Britt.
Host Chris Harrison arrives as the bearer of ‘there can only be one’ news. The men are instructed to vote for the woman they want to continue their ‘journey’ with as The Bachelorette. I wonder if, when all is said and done, the last woman standing will find out who in her man harem cast his rose for the other woman to stay. Oh what delicious drama that would be! The Producers would have to be headless to not want to cash in on some of that action.
There’s still time, however, for Britt and Kaitlyn to sway their potential suitors over to their side in a “mad scramble” as Kaitlyn puts it. The goal: get his rose in your box. Some of the men seem super smitten already, and there are definitely a lot of connections being made. At this point, it’s hard to tell towards whom the men are leaning but I suspect the vote will be quite close. The mood is a bit spoiled by drunko Ryan who has now added ‘indignant’ and ‘ass groper’ to his growing list of douchebag qualities. He is asked to leave by a sober Chris Harrison because he’s not here – let’s say it all together now – “for the right reasons.” Ryan’s departure doesn’t even warrant the standard sad sack limo, but he is instead led to an unmarked white van. Much like the great Elaine debate of ‘sponge-worthiness’ on Seinfeld, we now divide the suitors into limo guys and white van guys, and Ryan was white van all the way.
Kaitlyn has major butterflies for Shawn B. and it makes her more nervous that she won’t get to stick around, while Britt has a strong connection with Nashville musician Brady. It’s time for Chris Harrison to tally the votes…but we have to wait until tonight to find out who will go on as our Bachelorette: Kaitlyn or Britt.
*Second base, if I’m being honest.
Happy Friday y’all! It’s finally starting to feel like summer in Toronto (or at least very summer-adjacent). Fingers crossed the rain holds off this weekend, as I plan to spend most of it eating BBQ that other people make for me. I’m great at salads, dips and sides (I make these for pretty much every party or potluck I attend), but it’s just better if I’m nowhere near a grill! I’m not even great with a stove. Hope your weekend is full of laughter and sunshine.
Here are some bits and pieces that made my week:
Back in March I posted about a new subscription snack service I had signed up for called NatureBox. I started with the free trial and received my first official delivery in mid-April. It’s taken me this long to get through the snacks (shocking!) because, well, life.
As I mentioned in my previous post, highlights of NatureBox products (according to the company) include:
This shipment contained five full-sized snacks that I had previously added to my ‘Pantry’ and selected for inclusion in my April box. You can go in any time and select items from your pantry to include in your next order with an easy-to-use drag and drop tool. I’m obsessed with my pantry. I go in every few days and re-arrange or add new items and move items into and out of my next shipment items. It’s kind of my favourite thing.
The items I received were Toasted Cheddar Stix, Pistachio Power Clusters, Strawberry Greek Yogurt Pretzels and Salt & Pepper Lentil Loops.
Toasted Cheddar Stix: Anything cheddar is totally my jam. And I’ll pretty much eat any snack that comes in a stick form. That said, I found I could only eat a few of these at a time (which is probs a good thing). The flavour and crunch were good, but I found them a little powdery and slightly too savoury. I would pick these for a future box, but only after I’ve tried some other options.
Pistachio Power Clusters: Yum city. These were more like a dessert than a snack. Filling and satisfying, these saved my ass when I was starving during a class and remembered I had these tucked away in my purse. Full of nutty goodness.
Strawberry Greek Yogurt Pretzels: Loved. I munched on these at work every day for a week, which demonstrates that I posess incredible restraint. I was basically allowing myself like 6 a day and then burying the bag under a mound of sweaters in an ateempt to make them last as long as possible. I love yogurt and I love pretzels so adding these to my pantry was a no-brainer. Perfect for a morning snack with coffee.
Honey Dijon Pretzels: These were the snack I was most excited about. They were totally delicious but as with the cheddar sticks I found I could only eat two or three at a time (again, this is probs a good thing). They were super dijon-y, so if you’re not a fan of that particularly flavour then skip these. These are thick pretzel sticks and very filling with tons of flavour. I also found these almost overwhelming with flavour, but overall I liked them a lot.
Salt & Pepper Lentil Loops: I lose my shit over lentil chips, and these didn’t disappoint. My favourite of the bunch, these lentil loops had the perfect amount of crunch and flavour and a lovely pepper-y kick. I’ve already added them to my next box.
And now I eagerly await my May box….
Note: This post is not sponsored. I am paying for my NatureBox subscription out of my own pocket. Speaking of pockets, my pockets were – until I decided to try and make better snack choices – typically filled with the aforementioned goldfish crackers. I’ve been casually referring to pockets as CrackerPockets™ for years. Because that was the only thing I ever used my pockets for – a vehicle/storage centre for crackers. And then my friend told his niece that pockets were for crackers and now her mom probably hates me on laundry days. So really I’m doing this to save the pockets of small children from staining due to cheese dust (and also saving my denim jacket in the process). I’m practically a saint.
Last weekend I went to the Yoga Conference and Show in Toronto with a pal (yeah, I’m totally one of those people now) to check out the latest and greatest in yoga, natural health and general wellness. Within 30 minutes I had spent $100 on a spoonk mat, organic toothpaste and a salt pipe. True story.
The Spoonk mat has been on my radar for awhile. The mat is designed based on the principles of acupressure and Japanese Shiatsu massage. A few bloggers I follow swear by its benefits, which are said to range from decreased stress, anxiety and muscle pain to an increase in energy and better sleep. I had almost purchased it a bunch of times but was dissuaded by the cost, so when I saw it for $50 (it typically retails for around $65) I jumped on it. The makers of the Spoonk mat recommend 20-40 minutes a day of spoonking (I’m guessing that’s what it’s called).
I’ve been using mine while reading or watching TV on the couch, and occasionally I’ll put the mat down on the floor and place my feet on it for a bit. It’s recommended that one wear a thin t-shirt when laying on the mat, as the sensation can be quite intense, especially at first. I found standing on the mat barefoot to be too much, but placing my feet on the mat while in a seated position is quite enjoyable. I’ve also taken to rolling the mat under my neck when I want to focus just on some neck pain I’ve had on and off for a few years. While I’ve not used the mat long enough to know if it has any long-term benefits, I can say that after using it for a few days I’ve noticed reduced tension in my neck and it feels particularly great when I place my legs on the mat. Just make sure not to make any sudden movements while laying or resting your arms or legs on the mat, as those spikes are super duper spikey and could tear your skin. As a note, the Spoonk mat should not be used by women who are pregnant. To all my pregnant pals out there I’ll spoonk for you while eating soft cheeses and sushi and drinking wine. I’m selfless that way ;)
I also picked up a salt pipe, also known as a Himalayan Salt inhaler pipe. Salt pipes are touted as having healing properties that would particularly help people with allergies, asthma and other respiratory and throat/lung issues, and many people swear by their ability to cut down on the severity and length of a cold and cough. While I don’t suffer from severe allergies, over the past few years I’ve noticed that I get mild to moderate allergy-like symptoms during the summer months that are on par with what I’ve witnessed in friends with hay fever allergies. I get the whole itchy palate, stuffed noise, itchy/watery eyes deal. Oh and salt pipes are supposed to help with snoring too.
The way to use a salt pipe is to breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose. The nose part is essential, because breathing out through your mouth into the pipe will render the salt moist which reduces it’s healing properties. The people I bought this from emphasized the importance of drinking a lot of water after using the salt pipe. And yes, it does taste a bit like salt but it’s not strong. Overall it’s a pleasant experience.
If anyone has used either the Spoonk mat or a salt pipe I’m super curious to know your thoughts. Hit me up in the comments!
Wishing you and your loved ones a joyful long Easter weekend full of chocolate and family time. This weekend I’m celebrating a lovely friend’s birthday with tacos and tequila. I’m also planning on doing an asston of yoga and catching up on laundry and sleep!
Here are some bits and pieces that made my week: