Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 26, 2015).
Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We kick off this week with host Chris Harrison addressing the women who are all in their day makeup (meaning fewer false eyelashes). He reveals that this week there will be two group dates and a highly coveted one-on-one date, the recipient of which will be selected by Chris’ three sisters. Knowing from the preview of this week’s show that there’s a Cinderella theme to that date, I have to assume that it was not the producers intention to insinuate that Chris’s sisters are, in fact, wicked. The first date card (“let’s do what feels natural”) is for Ashley S., Ashley I., Megan, Kaitlyn, Juelia, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie and Kelsey. This sends some of the woman into a panic, as they worry that they will have to embark on this date sans makeup. They speed off down the highway in red convertibles and end at a lake. Ashley I. seems allergic to buttoning up her shorts and later goes topless in the lake, prompting Kaitlyn to do the same. Kelsey isn’t super into the evolving nudity of this group date.
Back at the Chick Compound, there’s a knock on the door and Carly practically gallops across the living room to greet Chris’ sisters. Hard-bodied Jillian (with the perpetual ‘blurred’ out ass) has fallen asleep by the pool and is out of sorts for her first impression with the sisters, but I’m more distracted by Carly’s eyebrows which should have their own reality show (suggested title: ‘The Longing’ or perhaps even ‘Put down those tweezers!’). Britt admits to the sisters that she feels like the frontrunner when she’s with Chris. Bold! Jade is a website clothing model and also just launched her own line of organic makeup, and this seems to impress the sisters. Carly’s time with them involves a lot of tears: she admits she’s never had a dude treat her well in a relationship. She wants to date a man like her grandpa, evidently. Ultimately, Jade is awarded the golden date card and is told that (Prince) Chris won’t know who is showing up on their fantasy date. There’s a “strike of midnight” mention in there too, just in case it wasn’t clear that this date has a Cinderella theme. An emotional Jade says that “it’s just nice to be recognized” and chosen for this date by his sisters.
Back at the lake of sin, Chris has an announcement: the date is an overnight-er. They will be camping.
[Aside: the last time a dude mentioned going camping to me, I told him that if he wanted to murder me so badly he should save himself the gas money and just take a run at me in my apartment and let’s see who ends up alive. Not that I don’t like camping.*]
Kelsey is not pleased with this turn of events, and while giving her private interview she gets stung by a wasp. On the inner thigh. When it’s time to put up the tents, the brain trust known as Ashley I. and Mackenzie struggle with the poles (not a euphemism, though Ashley I. is a virgin). Kaitlyn and Chris get some quiet time to cultivate their “natural connection” and make out. He finds her impressive, and the perfect full moon ain’t shabby either. Kelsey is observed to be pouting while sitting around the fire. She lights up around Chris, however, but asks “are we seriously spending the night here?” The girls begin to comment on her ‘fake-ness,’ which is kind of a bummer: I had her pegged as a top four during week one. The whiskey starts flowing and Ashley S. brings out some nutty dance moves while Mackenzie starts with the alien talk (again). Apparently it’s the perfect place to be abducted and probed by extraterrestrials.
It’s been a few weeks since we’ve witnessed the bizarro antics of Ashley S. but they are back in full force. Her and Chris have some private time and she asks “what are you?” A Scorpio, apparently. To his credit, Chris tries SUPER hard to keep the conversation somewhat normal and on track, even when she says “I like, really love you, and I love everything about you.” I can almost hear the cartoon tire screeching sound in his brain. Make it stop. Please god make it stop. Later Ashley I. and her huge crush puts her mouth on his mouth forever, and she is looking more and more like a Kardashian as the weeks go by. A steamy make-out session isn’t enough to get her the group date card, however. That goes to Kaitlyn.
After everyone has gone off to bed, Ashley I. decides to kick things up a notch and she sneaks into Chris’ tent and confesses that not only has she never had sex, but she’s never had a boyfriend before. Chris tells her that he got the vibe that she’s a “smart, well-rounded girl.” Ashley I. is relieved that she has admitted these aspects about herself to a half-asleep Chris and demonstrated that she’s “wife material.” “He can ask about it, she says. “He can probe at that area if he wants later on.” Ah, classic double entendre. The next day the (un)happy campers return and learn that Jade will be going on the solo date with Chris. Ashley I. is supremely bummed that she wasn’t in play for the Cinderella date because whenever she tells people about herself, the fact that she considers herself a Disney princess type comes up. As in, she actively describes herself as a “hopeless romantic Disney princess.” Obviously, Ashley I. has an asston of friends (cough).
Jade has a team assigned to her princess-ification, and she is presented with Neil Lane diamond earrings and fancy glass-adorned Louboutins to keep, eliciting (warranted) jealousy gasps from the other ladies. It’s all dresses and tiaras and then a 60 second promotion for the upcoming Cinderella movie, all overseen by a fairy godmother/stylist with neon pink hair and the world’s largest pair of glasses.
Jade is whisked away in a white Rolls Royce while Chris practises his ballroom dancing in nervous anticipation of who his date will be. His face when he sees Jade is pretty priceless. He’s “extremely happy” that his sisters chose her. Sweet Jade admits that she got engaged very young but it didn’t work out, and Chris tells her that he too was engaged after a 7-year relationship that was long-distance in the end. He feels that he can really relate to Jade, and she speaks very well about transitioning from life to a small town then Omaha and now “lonely” Los Angeles. “The Princess thing works well for you, I’m not going to lie,” Chris says before presenting her with the date rose. He then leads her to a platform before a full orchestra so they can have their Disney-moment dance. At the stroke of midnight (groan), they share a kiss and Jade “has to go.” Meaning, she has to run down the stairs in Louboutins. That just seems cruel. “Hopefully, Jade and I’s fairytale becomes reality,” says Chris,
Meanwhile, Ashley I.’s bitterness about not being selected for the Cinderella date is palpable. She is decked out in a dress she specifically bought for a Princess-themed date. It’s decidely less Princess Jasmine and more Cinderella-looking than her previous gowns. “Prince Farming decided to go on a Princess date with some other girl,” she grumbles. She comforts herself by eating corn on the cob by herself in the living room. Hey, that kind of sounds like my dream date scenario.
Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca are to be on the next group date. Just outside the house they find large boxes with their names on them, full of wedding dresses. Jillian isn’t a fan, and would rather be hiking or doing something decidedly less “girly.” After disembarking a private jet in San Francisco, the wedding dress-clad bunch find themselves at a muddy obstacle course that raises funds for Multiple Sclerosis. The ‘bride’ who wins ‘muckfest’ goes on to a private date with our Bachelor. The race begins and Becca is almost thwarted by the “big balls swinging” in her face. Carly gives up at the big balls because she’s “offended.” Miss ‘in it to win it’ Jillian is the easy victor, despite not having lifted weights in four whole weeks. Her and BFF Britt have a cute moment at the end of the course, where Britt spits from exertion and then tops it off with a cute pose. Later that evening, Becca comments that Jillian beat them so badly that she deserved two dates.
Chris and Jillian clean up and head to a rooftop patio for champagne and the standard untouched dinner. Seriously, no one ever eats the food. I’m surprised more people don’t pass out from hunger on this show. In his private interview, Chris says that purely based on quick physical attraction and first impressions, he would’ve predicted that Jillian would be “top three.” Things get a little treacherous when Chris asks her where she sees herself in five years. Jillian hates when people ask her about the future. Instead, she wants to talk about training and fitness competitions and sponsorships. My oh my she talks fast, and Chris is visibly overwhelmed. He visualizes unicorns and dancing fairies. Never a good sign. The date goes downhill from there, with Chris commenting in his private interview that they don’t have much of a romantic connection, it turns out. He clearly prefers a slightly more..genteel…girl. And one who speaks decidedly slower I bet. I like Jillian’s sass and passion for fitness but she could’ve sworn a bit less on this date. She’s feeling confident about heading back to the house later to gloat about her date but that won’t be happening because Chris opts to send Jillian home instead. “Maybe our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other,” he stutters. He adds that he doesn’t feel a connection in his gut. “I’m sorry I couldn’t share my heart with you,” says a tearful Jillian. She’s sent off in the Sad Gal limo.
The gals are shocked by the departure of Jillian, and see this as a signal to step up their game, as Chris isn’t hesitant to thin the potential wife herd. Megan pulls Chris aside from some blindfolded fruit tasting, and Ashley I. wants to drive it home to Chris that she’s a virgin. She’s exhausting. Chris is visibly surprised. Clearly he was half asleep during the camping confessional and didn’t pick up what she was putting down that night. She runs to Mackenzie to discuss, and now she’s in a tizzy because she thinks she’s maybe now coming off as “too innocent” and that’s why Chris wouldn’t kiss her during their chat. May I offer an alternate theory? Maybe it’s because you’re like an emotional Bosnia every week. She seems like…a lot of work.
So it turns out there are two virgins in the Bachelor house: Becca spills the beans on her sexual status. I recall that during the first episode, host Chris Harrison said that a virgin would be spending the night in a Fantasy Suite. I had assumed a second virgin would be revealed, as I didn’t see Ashley I. making it that far. So it’s a fairly safe bet that unless a third virgin emerges (for some reason I thought perhaps Britt would turn out to be a virgin as well), Becca will be going quite far in this ‘journey.’
Early frontrunner Britt pulls Chris aside and she’s feeling less solid in their connection. She is perturbed that Chris awarded a date rose to Kaitlyn after she shed her bikini top on a group date, because she wants to know “why those actions and behaviours are being validated.” This obviously resonates with Chris, but perhaps not in the way Britt had hoped. Honestly? He seems annoyed, but he recovers and thanks Britt for her honesty. He presumably immediately heads back in the house to make a speech, but it could just be the editing. Either way, Chris addresses his harem and says the following: “I’m here to find a wife, and if any of you question that you’re more than welcome to go home…if you feel that I’m not here for the right intentions. I will see you all at the rose ceremony.” Gauntlet thrown.
Lucky for Britt, her failed attempt to mask jealousy as moral concern doesn’t spell the end of the road for her. Once the rose dust settles, Nikki (practically invisible this whole run), Ashley S. and Juelia are the ones being sent home this week. Ashley S. walks out with no incident, but Chris asks to walk Juelia out. He super respects what she went through (her baby’s father killed himself) and doesn’t want to waste her time. “You deserve the best,” he assures her. They share a sweet goodbye. Oh snap, during the credits (which I usually don’t bother to watch) Ashley S. and her crazy eyes announces that she feels nothing. “I have no feelings.” Ok then.
Until next week!
*I don’t like camping.